The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  She reached the counter and unlocked his phone, using the pin she had seen him doing earlier and went straight to his messages. Scrolling through the list, nothing seemed amiss. Just a few texts from his mates at the football ground and some from Patrick at work. She didn’t bother going into any of the messages, just kept scrolling until she came across names she didn’t recognise, or names that were female. But there was nothing. She wasn’t sure if she felt relieved or disappointed. Not that she wanted to find anything bad on his phone, but she was sure that something was up, and now she just felt like an idiot. She tried his picture gallery and then his call list. But still nothing. She felt as if she was losing her mind.

  ‘What do you think you are doing?’

  Pippa jumped so high that she dropped the phone and grabbed onto the counter for support. ‘For crying out loud, Jason, you scared the crap out of me!’

  ‘Were you looking through my phone?’ His face was contorted with anger and Pippa felt a wave of shame wash over her.

  ‘I… um… no.’

  ‘Don’t lie to me!’ He snatched his phone off the floor and held it up to her face. ‘Find anything interesting did you?’ He was furious and she totally understood why. She hadn’t found anything and now she felt like the worst wife in the world. She shook her head. ‘Why the fuck did you think you needed to go through my phone?’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –’

  ‘What? The phone just happened to fall into your hands and open up did it?’ His face began to turn red and his eyes scrunched up in anger.

  ‘Well no, but –’ she was shaking.

  ‘Save it! I don’t want to hear your pathetic excuses. You’re bang out of order for doing this. I’ve done nothing but love you and provide for you and this is how you repay me.’

  She started to panic and her eyes began to fill. This just seemed to aggravate Jason as he yelled out, ‘Oh save the tears, Pip. You’re the one who stepped out of line here, not me! We’re having a baby – what do you take me for?’

  ‘I just thought…’ she trailed off. She didn’t know what her response was going to be.

  ‘What did you think? That I would do it again?’

  She felt a surge of annoyance spark as he mocked her. ‘Well actually, yes! And can you blame me? You’ve been acting so distant lately and working all the time, what am I supposed to think?’ Her heart was pounding in her chest, the anticipation of confronting him like this making her feel panicked. She hadn’t expected to be having this row tonight.

  Jason slammed his hand down on the counter. ‘Pip, I am working loads to support our family – that baby!’ He jabbed his finger in the air towards her stomach and she recoiled in shock. ‘You don’t expect that we can survive on your piddly little wage that you bring in from your little cake business, do you?’ His eyes were narrowed as he dared her to disagree.

  ‘I am trying my best, Jason. You were the one who told me to give up my job and do it full time. You said you would support me, that you wanted me to follow my dreams.’ The words stung as she remembered.

  ‘Yes, well… I guess I thought you would make it bigger than you have.’ He moved his eye contact, unable to look her in the eye as he said the words.

  Disappointment dropped down heavily into her chest. ‘Why didn’t you say any of this before? Why not tell me you weren’t happy with how I am running my business?’

  ‘Because what good would that do? You’ll just get upset or have a strop and I’m not up for that, Pip. I just want to do my work and come home and have a bottle of wine watching the telly. Is that too much to ask?’

  She didn’t say anything about his alcohol comment because she didn’t want to fuel the argument. But she couldn’t help but feel deflated that he still revolved everything around drink. ‘I can try harder, I’ll do some marketing and –’

  ‘What, for all of five minutes before the baby comes? What good is that going to do? You won’t be able to stick to your plans, so why bother?’

  Pippa’s mouth dropped open a little at his abruptness. ‘Well, what do you want me to say, Jason? I don’t feel like I am saying the words you want to hear, so tell me – what is it you want?’ Panic was pulsing through her veins. She could feel her marriage slipping away, thread by thread, and if that happened, where would she be? Alone, with a baby and a piddly little cake business to support her.

  He turned and stormed up the hallway towards the front door.

  ‘Jason wait,’ she wailed, chasing after him, ‘where are you going?’

  ‘Out!’

  ‘But Jason –’

  He spun around on his heels and stopped just inches away from her face. Speaking calmly he simply said, ‘I can’t believe you. I work my arse off for you and this is how you repay me.’ And after a pause to ensure full impact of his words hit home, he turned and left, leaving Pippa to wonder if her husband was coming home ever again.

  *****

  The next morning, Pippa woke early to the sound of the front door slamming. She jumped out of bed as quickly as she could and raced downstairs, following the noise of crashing and banging in the kitchen. As she walked in, she could see Jason stumbling about, seemingly trying to make some food.

  ‘Jason?’ she asked, tentatively.

  He spun round and his face lit up with happiness. ‘There she is. There’s my girl.’ He stumbled over and threw his arms around her waist, pulling her in for a hug. Pippa had to hold her breath to stop breathing in the stale stench of alcohol. She patted his back and then tried to peel him off. ‘Good night was it?’ She asked.

  ‘What? Oh, yeah. I had a few beers.’ He moved back to the counter. ‘Fancy a sandwich?’

  ‘No, I’m okay thanks.’ She paused before saying, ‘Listen, Jason, I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to –’

  He held up his hands. ‘It’s okay. It’s fine. You know why?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘Because I’ve been an arsehole before and I understand why you are thinking the worse.’

  She wasn’t sure how to take him today. ‘Look, I know I’ve been an idiot in the past but, let’s just forget last night happened. Yeah?’ He went to lean on the side but missed it and stumbled backwards. He burst into laughter. ‘Did you just see that? I missed the table.’ He held his stomach as he laughed silently. ‘Classic!’

  Pippa hated seeing him in this state. It made a difference from the shouting drunk he had been previously, but in a way, this was worse. She tied up her robe and turned to leave.

  ‘Hey, where you going?’ He was pointing at her.

  ‘I’m going to take a shower. I think you need to eat something then sleep it off.’ She tried to force a smile on her face and then left.

  As she walked up the stairs she pulled out her phone and saw she had been added to a WhatsApp group by Zoe.

  Zoe: Hi girls. I need your help with something. Are you free to meet up today?

  Imogen: Yes, I can meet up. What time?

  Zoe: Can you come to the café, I’m working today? I need to wait until Ellie is out, though, as I don’t want her to hear.

  Imogen: Is Ellie not in this group chat?

  Zoe: No, just me, you and Pip.

  Imogen: Okay, I’ll pop in around ten-ish, will that work?

  Zoe: Fab. Pip?

  Pippa read the messages and smiled. Even though her life seemed to be falling apart at home, it was nice that she had these girls. They had built up their little friendship group over the last couple of months and she was really grateful to have them. Because the way things were back here, she was close to breaking point. Having these girls gave her a reason to keep fighting and put that brave face on. No matter how much she was drowning under the surface. No one needed to know that.

  Pippa: I’ll be there. See you then xx

  She quickly switched on the shower and looked at her face in the mirror. She was pale and had dark circles under her eyes, where she had, yet again, cried herself to sleep. And no matter how
much she told herself that she was doing the right thing by persisting, she couldn’t help but think of her dad and how disappointed he would be to see her unhappy but not doing anything about it. Why was she with him? She wasn’t so sure any more.

  Chapter 22

  ‘You’ve been acting really weird over the last couple of weeks. Actually,’ Alice corrected herself, ‘since before Christmas, is everything okay?’

  Imogen played with the teaspoon on the table in front of her, avoiding Alice’s eye contact. The café was beginning to get busy, but Imogen was thankful of the distraction. Although every time the door opened, signalled by the gentle tinkle of the bell, a gust of wind would blow in, making Imogen shiver. She didn’t care, though. It gave her something to focus on. She had been trying so hard recently to push all her worries to the back of her mind and just get on with actually enjoying being pregnant, but she couldn’t get away from the nasty messages her mum had been sending her. She had ignored that last message and had since received a barrage of demanding texts. But if she told Alice then she would be stressed and it would impact the pair of them. Imogen was ashamed that her family were the ones causing problems and as much as she wanted to just cut loose, she found she couldn’t.

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine, just really tired with this pregnancy, that’s all.’ She couldn’t look at her, not when she lied. She would definitely give it away if she did – she was a terrible liar. Which up until now, she was actually proud of. It wasn’t a good trait to have, so to be so bad at it was a good thing! Which was why the way she was behaving was making her feel ill. This wasn’t her, she didn’t lie.

  ‘Are you sure that’s all? You know I’m here, don’t you. I feel like recently you’ve been distant from me and I’m worried.’ Alice held her hand and gave it a squeeze. But instead of feeling reassured and loved, Imogen felt guilty. She still hadn’t told Alice that the doctor had signed her off work just before Christmas because of stress and she was terrified of being found out. But because she had taken so long to admit it, she was now too far in and if Alice found out she had been lying, she would never forgive her. She should’ve said earlier and now it was out of control.

  ‘I’m fine.’ She forced a smile. ‘Can’t wait for the scan tomorrow.’

  ‘I know, I’ve booked the morning off work, but I have to go back after lunch, unfortunately. Are you glad you booked today off? It’s a nice idea having the day before the scan off – means you’ll be nicely relaxed by tomorrow.’

  ‘Yeah well, seeing as I have Fridays off anyway, I thought I would make a long weekend of it.’ Nothing to do with the fact that she was no longer allowed to work – doctor’s orders!

  ‘Hey, you okay? How you feeling today?’ Zoe placed down the two teas the girls had ordered.

  ‘Yeah I’m okay. This is Alice.’ She gestured with her hand to her wife and was pleased when Alice took the lead in the conversation.

  ‘Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you. Imogen really enjoys coming to the mums’ club meetings you do here. I’m so glad she’s found some great friends here.’

  Zoe joined them at the table, taking up the spare seat opposite Imogen. ‘Yeah, I actually can’t believe how popular it became in such a short time. It’s crazy. I must admit, I think I enjoy them more than anyone.’ She smiled at Imogen, but something in her face changed. Maybe she could tell Imogen wasn’t right.

  ‘Well, there must’ve been a demand for it; you did well to jump on it before anyone else did.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. So will you be able to make any of the meetings? Would be lovely for you to meet the others. You’re more than welcome.’ She kept glancing back at Imogen, which made her feel really uncomfortable. Imogen forced a smile, which she hoped looked genuine.

  ‘Oh I wish I could, but I only managed to pop out today because I had a viewing to do and the woman cancelled last minute. Normally it’s crazy busy at the office, so I work through my lunch most days. I was actually really surprised to bump into this one outside; I thought she was at work. But a pleasant surprise it was and she persuaded me to stop for a cuppa. I never could resist her puppy-dog eyes.’ She glanced over at Imogen, her face full of love for her. Again, Imogen tried to produce a smile but she felt it was forced.

  ‘Well, it was nice to meet you. I’d better get on.’ Zoe smiled at them both and then left.

  After they had finished their tea, Alice gave Imogen a kiss goodbye and left for the office, leaving Imogen at the table alone. She took this chance to read the text that had pinged into her inbox halfway through her tea which she had been avoiding reading whilst Alice was still there. And, sure enough, it was another text from her mum.

  She had to read the message twice to make sure she was actually seeing things as they were.

  I don’t know what you’re playing at but it’s not funny. Two women cannot have a baby. It’s irresponsible and selfish and all you are doing is setting that poor child up for a life of teasing and being the butt of everyone’s joke. If you have any decency left in your body you will end this stupidity. You have brought shame onto our family and I will not tolerate it. Stop thinking of yourself and think of someone else for a change.

  She scrolled back and forth through the message, blinking through the haze to make out the harsh words her mother had thrown at her this time. She was so engrossed in the message that she didn’t hear Zoe creeping up behind her. The first she knew of it was feeling the chair next to her move backwards to allow Zoe to slip in. ‘Hey you,’ she said as she took up the seat. ‘Everything okay?’

  Imogen quickly shut down the message on the screen, wondering if Zoe had managed to see any of what was written. God, she hoped not. She was so ashamed of her family, she didn’t want to have to admit to anyone that she was related to such horrible people. She plastered on a smile and replied, ‘Yeah, course, why wouldn’t it be?’

  ‘Well,’ Zoe said as she leaned back in her chair. ‘Ever since Alice left a few minutes ago, you have been staring at your phone, looking like you are about to cry. And now that I think about it, you’ve been off for a little while. The last couple of times I have seen you you’ve been quiet and … well… you look sad.’ Zoe held out her hands, palms up and added, ‘It’s not rocket science. What’s up?’

  She prepared herself to tell another lie, but stopped in her tracks. She couldn’t do this any more. She couldn’t bear the brunt of everything going on and stay sane; it was driving her nuts – even the doctors said that. She took a deep breath and prepared herself to let Zoe in. ‘Okay, I’m not okay.’

  ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

  She didn’t answer. She wanted to say yes, but her mouth wouldn’t let her. She eventually said, ‘I feel guilty.’

  ‘For what?’

  Zoe’s voice was soft and calm and made Imogen feel more at ease than she had felt all morning. She took a moment to look around the café. It wasn’t busy, which wasn’t surprising seeing as it was nearing lunchtime on a weekday and everyone would be either at work or school, or at home preparing for lunch. The café was quieter in the mornings than after lunch, which was probably why Zoe wanted to meet them. It had taken Imogen by surprise when she’d seen Alice outside, so she had to think on her feet and invite her for coffee. ‘I should be talking to Alice.’ She felt the guilt drop down further into her stomach as she said her name. She really should be talking to Alice. She shouldn’t be here. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to leave.

  ‘Has something happened? Is it the babies?’

  ‘No, the babies are fine.’

  ‘Imogen, sweetheart, you’re not really making any sense.’ Zoe took her hand and gently placed it inside her two. Imogen exhaled a little, feeling frustrated with both herself and the situation. ‘ You know, you can talk to me in confidence. I won’t ever talk about it to anyone. I’m like a kind of vicar of the café world; pretend this table is my confession box. I’m bound by the terms of the café, it discreetly says in the café handbook that any client wishing to divulg
e sensitive information can do so on any table assuming nobody else is in earshot and the proprietor – that’s me – does a pinkie-swear to keep all information confidential between themselves and the … um… information-giver…’ she pulled a face at her bad use of language, but then held out her hand, which she had fisted, keeping her little finger jutting out, ready to honourably take the pinkie oath. Imogen couldn’t help but laugh, at which Zoe crossed her heart solemnly and nodded, reiterating her promise to her friend.

  ‘Well, how can I not speak to you now that you’ve made all that effort to make up all that rubbish just for me?’

  ‘No, no, not rubbish. It’s the café-oath. Everyone has to do it.’ She shrugged in a nonchalant way and wiggled her little finger again. Imogen smiled and joined her finger with Zoë’s, wrapping it round and following Zoe’s movement to bond this oath. ‘So now, you see, I am bound by the laws. I cannot repeat any information you give me. This stays between us unless you decide to extend the knowledge further.’ She smiled and Imogen couldn’t help but warm to Zoe even more.

  ‘You must have a vat of information swirling around inside of you with the number of people who come in here. How do you even get any work done?’

  Zoe flicked her hair over her shoulder, mimicking an airhead and said, ‘Dahhling, I’m a natural.’

  After a few giggles and the very awkward silence that followed, Imogen finally said, ‘The doctor signed me off work with stress.’ Zoe nodded to show she had heard her revelation and she added, reluctantly, ‘I haven’t told Alice.’

  ‘Okay and what’s the reason for that?’

  ‘I don’t want to worry her. She’s so stressed with work and the babies and everything, even though she never shows it, but I just don’t want to be another burden for her.’

  ‘And is that what you think you would be; a burden?’ Imogen shrugged and Zoe continued. ‘Do you not think she would rather know, so she could help you?’