Possession

by Johnson, A. M.

  After the incident, his lawyer was the one to contact me. Clark had finally let go. I guess almost going to jail for an alleged assault was the wakeup call he’d needed. I was still indebted to Chandler for making sure Declan hadn’t been the one implicated. It was a few days ago, when Clark’s lawyer called me to tell me the divorce papers had been sent to the court, and now all we had to do was wait for it to be official. It could take up to a month. One month might’ve sounded like an eternity if I hadn’t known what it was like to live through these past two weeks.

  Lana had been gone all morning meeting with her thesis professor, and the house was too quiet as I walked out the front door. I pulled the hood of my jacket over my head once the frigid air hit my cheeks and tangled my hair. The snow was falling in fat, wet flakes, and they clumped on my jacket as I walked to my car. It seemed too early to be snowing already, and our abnormally hot summer had become an unusually cold fall. I tossed my purse onto the passenger side seat and nearly slipped as I quickly sat in my car. I turned on the engine and flipped the heat to full blast. The wipers easily removed the damp and heavy snow from my windshield.

  My body was still numb by the time I got to my parents’ home and it wasn’t from the cold. I let the car run for a moment as I stared up at the house. It looked the same, except the trees had lost their leaves in the storm, the quaking aspens were bare and made me think of Declan and his painting. The vice squeezed my heart and my stomach tensed. I reached into my purse and grabbed my phone. I dialed Liam again. I needed something, some piece of Declan to take with me into Hell, because once I walked into that house, I was afraid I’d lose myself all over again.

  It rang three times before his deep voice answered, “Hello.”

  “Liam,” I said with severe relief. If he hadn’t picked up, my next stop on my way home would’ve been Avenues.

  Silence.

  “Please,” I begged.

  He exhaled a long breath. “He doesn’t want to talk to you.”

  My sternum cracked down the center. “Why?” I whispered past the pain in my throat.

  Nothing.

  “Liam, I’m frightened… worried… I love him, and I… I need to know if—”

  “It’s been rough, Paige, real fucking rough.”

  A silent sob shook my shoulders and I closed my eyes.

  “They fucked with his head, they changed his meds, and he had a reaction to one of them, so the doctors did a med wash and—”

  “A med wash?” I opened my eyes and looked up at the front windows. The curtains were still shut tight.

  “Yeah, they stopped all of his meds. Weaned him off for a few days, but he…” the low timbre strangled the words as if he was fighting his own feelings. “He went into this psychotic state, and he wouldn’t talk to anyone. He almost became violent with a staff member when they tried to take his journal.” I couldn’t help the tears that poured down my cheeks. He’d been in the dark all alone. “He’s doing better now. They’ve put him back on his meds. A few of the old ones and this new anti-psychotic. He’s looking good. Talking again, but… he doesn’t want anyone to see him like this. He won’t talk to my mom or Kieran. Just me.”

  “He’s okay? He’s getting better?” The tremor in my voice blurred the words.

  Liam exhaled again. “Here’s the thing. When we got hold of his journal... it was all crazy shit. Pages of random words, sketches of eyes … your name. The phrase… This is forever, was written over and over. He refused meals, and when I was there it was like he didn’t know me. He couldn’t remember his own fucking name, but... he knew you.”

  My eyes brimmed, my heart burst from its cage and my lips trembled.

  “He gets discharged in four days. I want you to be there for him.”

  “Yes. Of course.” I had to see him.

  “No, I need you to fucking listen to me. I need you to be there. No more running, no more bullshit. Nine years, Paige, he was a goddamn zombie and then you came back… and he got… better. Seeing Dex like that, in that hell hole, watching him become possessed by the shit in his head… it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever seen. You were in there with him… in the chaos… you kept his spirit, and you better fucking be there for him when he gets out.”

  I sucked in a jagged breath. I’d been with him. He’d lost himself, but I was the tether. We were bound, we were one. “Declan is my life, he always has been, and there is nothing that will keep me from him ever again.”

  “You destroyed him last time, and it’s hard—”

  “I’m here. I’m here, Liam.” I sat up straighter in the front seat. “He’s my forever.”

  “I’ll see you Tuesday.”

  The phone went silent and I let myself break apart. I let myself think of Declan, in a small hospital room, lost, and confused, his eyes empty, scribbling away in a journal. Busy trying to piece himself back together, flashes of who we were keeping him in the now as much as it could. I thought of all of these things, and fell into the abyss with him.

  The large, open living room, clad in all white, was slowly suffocating me. My father stood, leaned against the back of the couch, his hands gripping the Italian leather, as my mom rattled on about my duties as a daughter, as a wife. I ran my sweaty palms down my jeans and he frowned.

  “He’s sent the paperwork. It’s done. In a month’s time I’ll no longer be his wife. It’s what I want… what he wants.”

  “What about in the eyes of the Lord, you’ve been running around with Declan, you left your husband for another man, he attacked—”

  “Clark was hurting me, Declan was defending me!” My eyes raised to the ceiling as I tried to calm my temper.

  “You’ve lost your way.” My mother’s self-righteous voice picked at every insecurity I had.

  “Don’t be ridiculous, this is crazy. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that I was miserable with Clark, that he treated me like garbage? For God’s sake, I’m your daughter.”

  “Watch your mouth.” My mother’s lips mashed into a straight line, and I rolled my eyes.

  “You think you’re better than us?” My father’s tone was unforgiving, and his eyes narrowed.

  “N-no,” I stuttered as those hard eyes met mine.

  “The outside world judges us every day with their dirty mouths. I can see it on you. Those clothes you wear, they can’t hide what’s inside you, what lurks and lives inside your heart. You’ve given yourself to that man again, and you’ll sink even further.” He laughed without humor, and my stomach dropped as he stood to his full height and rounded the sofa. “His sickness has polluted your mind. Have you forgotten the scriptures? James chapter one, verse fifteen. ‘Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.’ You’ve let the Devil claim your soul, and you’re as good as dead to me.”

  I waited for the tears to come as he walked toward me, but they didn’t. Anger bloomed an orange flame, and it set my chest ablaze as I stood with my hands fisted at my sides.

  “Sit down,” my mother hissed, but I locked my eyes on hers.

  “Neither of you are truly God-fearing. You don’t care about your daughter’s wellbeing. All you care about is status. You both have turned your back on your so-called Savior. My God, my Savior… he sees you for what you are, and believe me, you will be judged accordingly.”

  A searing pain erupted across my cheekbone, and the sound of my father’s hand against my skin filled the open room. I raised my palm to my cheek and my eyes watered.

  “Get out of this house!” he roared.

  I turned to my mother as I picked up my jacket from the arm of the couch and slipped it on. Nursing my cheek with my shaking fingers, I grabbed my bag with my free hand. “The Bible also teaches acceptance, and love, and forgiveness. Even after judgement, we all still have a chance.” My eyes dried as I watched my mother’s fill with tears. “I can’t live a life where love doesn’t exist, and this house, it’s filled with hate. If Heaven is
what you’ve painted, I want no part of it.”

  I waited. I watched. My mother turned her face to the right, and a lone tear trickled down her cheek as her eyes fixed on the wall. My father’s face was red, filled with disdain as I tried to meet his eyes.

  “Get out.” This time he whispered through thin lips tight with suppressed rage.

  As I placed my bag on my shoulder and turned to leave, I thought about saying I love you, but what I felt for them was purely nostalgic, written in a primal blood tie that pulled at my heart as I walked out of my family home onto the snow-covered porch.

  For the short time I was there, my mother pleaded with me to see her perverted reason. She’d begged me to come back to the church, to let them help me. But, unfortunately, their help involved wiping myself away with washed-out morals and half-truths. I was dead to them. I lifted my hood and took in a deep breath, and as I blew out the humid fog from my lips, I tilted my head back and let the clean air bite at my nose and cheeks. I was dead to them, but in four days, I’d rise again.

  Declan had held out hope for me inside his own madness, and I’d be there for him when he returned to his realities. I’d wade through it, drown in it, swallow down the murky moments, and revel in the joyful ones. Because that was our love, and as I watched the giant white flakes twirl inside the static atmosphere, I felt it. I felt a warmth come over my body, and my lips parted with a smile as I stepped off the last step into the white void.

  “I’m going to need you to remove all your piercings, and change into this…” The male nurse handed me a white and blue hospital gown.

  “All of my piercings? I’m not trying to kill myself, I—”

  “Are we going to have a problem?” The nurse rolled his large shoulders. He was a few inches taller than me, and just as muscular. His eyes narrowed on mine, begging me to fuck with him.

  I wasn’t scared of the physical pain he’d inflict, it was the possible drugs he could wield. “No, no problem.” I removed my earrings and he held out a small plastic bag for me to drop them in. I started to remove my shirt, and paused as I looked around the small bathroom then back at him. “Are you going to watch?”

  “Yup.” His lips pressed together into a firm line.

  I took off my shirt, “Where should I—”

  “Just throw it on the floor. We’ll wash it, everything you have here… we’ll wash. You can call your family tomorrow to bring you more clothes. You’ll need three sets. We do laundry every night, but for right now, just take everything off, put on that gown and you’ll have your clothes back in the morning when you wake up.”

  My heart hammered as I flipped the button of my jeans. I dropped my eyes to the floor as I slipped out of my pants. Thousands of bugs crawled under the surface of my skin as I felt his gaze on my chest. I didn’t look at him as I removed my body piercings and placed them in the small bag with the earrings.

  The door to the bathroom cracked open and my spine stiffened.

  “You ready for me?” another male voice spoke through the crack in the door.

  “Yeah, come on in.” The male nurse, I looked at his badge, Evan, gave me a small nod as the other man walked in.

  The room had white tile floors with dirty looking gray grout. The walls were a faded beige, and as both of the men approached me, everything around me narrowed and closed in. I took a step backward and my calves touched the toilet.

  “It’s okay… I’m just here to help with the skin check.” He smiled trying to reassure me, but it sat sour in my gut. “Every patient that comes in, we check their skin, make documentation of any tattoos, any significant marks, it helps us know if anything changes while you’re here.”

  Evan grabbed a large towel from the cupboard next to the sink and handed it to me. “Remove your underwear and hold this towel in front of you as a cover.”

  My eyes shifted anxiously to the other nurse as he pulled a pen and pad from his pocket. I felt trapped, and each breath, each bit of air that I inhaled became harder to take. He started to scribble as he verbally counted off my tattoos and scars. My fingers gripped the towel, holding it in front of me, as the last bit of my dignity hit the floor with my boxer briefs.

  “Do you think you should go home first?” Kieran asked from the back seat of my mother’s car. Liam had borrowed it to pick me up from the hospital.

  It took me a moment to answer, my head was still in the psych ward. “No, I want to see her.”

  I was supposed to discharge Tuesday, but they held me, stating I needed a few more days of observation. Three weeks. Three fucking weeks without her, without life.

  “Maybe she could meet you at our place, Kieran has a point. You could use the structure, Dex.” Liam lifted his attention from the road to look at me briefly.

  He’d aged these past three weeks, not much, but I could see the stress I’d caused him. The creases in the corner of his eyes were met by dark circles. His lips were dry, his cheeks sunken in. Liam’s eyes focused back on the road.

  “I’m good. I’m better.” That much at least was true. These meds, the psychiatrist, he’d found a combination that actually worked. My hallucinations were barely there, and it was the first time, without Paige, that I hadn’t heard a voice in over four days. The medications made me tired, but they didn’t stifle me. The last week I was in the hospital, I’d drawn real pictures, not just all the fucked-up shit in my head, but actual renderings of her face, her hands… Paige… in pure form. They might have taken my dignity, but I still had my inspiration, my creative brain—my soul.

  “I know, but don’t you think… it would be better to be some place familiar?” Kieran’s hand clasped my shoulder as he moved closer to the front seat. “I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

  My brothers thought I was too fragile, but they didn’t know that I’d been broken already. In treatment, I’d fallen into a fathomless darkness, something I’d feared forever, something I’d die before entering again. I’d met the monster inside my heart, the devil in my head, and they’d smiled at me, cut me, brought me down into the depths of the animal within my skin. I’d almost given myself over to it… almost.

  “Can you tell me what this means, Declan?” Dr. Barra pointed at my journal.

  The words on the page caught fire and disappeared, leaving behind a pair of blue eyes.

  She’s not real, she’s forgotten and gone.

  You are nothing, she is nothing.

  You created her.

  No.

  She is forever.

  She hates you.

  The ghosts twisted my thoughts, lied to me, and told me things I never wanted to believe.

  “Declan, tell me about Paige?” The doctor’s voice taunted the devil in my head.

  My jaw ached as I grit my teeth trying to remember, trying to see past the flame, and fog, and smoke. The pressure built in my knuckles as I squeezed my fists and said, “She hates me.”

  I’d lost myself in the past, in the memories I’d had, in the reality I’d lived for so long without her. I ran my hand through my hair and turned to face Kieran.

  “I won’t lose her again… that place… I almost let the shit in my head devour the last good thing… the last memory. I don’t care where, I just need to see her, and if going to her place gets me there faster then that’s where I’m going.” My eyes fixed on his and he nodded.

  “Alright,” Liam said. “The doctor set up some appointments for you tomorrow. New patient intake, and med reconciliation. She gonna take you? It’s at nine in the morning.”

  “I’m sure she would.” I hadn’t spoken to her in three weeks. I hadn’t wanted her to hear my voice, or the vacant black that would’ve spilled from my lips. I hadn’t wanted her to see the beast inside me.

  “She’s been coming to the shop every day since you missed your discharge date.” Liam frowned. “I think she thinks you’re hiding from her. She started crying when I called her today to tell her we were on our way to pick you up.”

  My stomach fell. “
She cried?”

  Kieran cleared his throat, and said, “I know you thought keeping her away for her own good was the right thing, but—”

  “But she’s been fucking nuts.” Liam looked at me again. “Get your apologies ready, Dex, she’s gonna want them.” He gave me a lopsided smile before turning his eyes onto the road.

  “I’m going to ask her to move in with me.”

  The car came to an abrupt stop. My eyes flicked up to the red light and then to Liam. His dark irises trained on me. “What?”

  Kieran leaned forward again. “No way, Declan, you need to take care of—”

  “I want her with me. We’ve been apart long enough. That apartment… it’s mine too, and I pay half, just like Liam. I’m feeling better. I’ve got a doctor who knows what the fuck he’s doing... I’m a goddamn man, and I’m tired of being treated like at any minute I’m going to fracture.”

  Liam’s glare softened.

  “They already broke me, Liam… and I know…” My throat threatened to close off. “I know you saw it… I know they let you see me at my worst, but seeing it isn’t living it. I’ll never go there again. Paige, she’s the last piece… she’s just as important… without her… meds don’t fucking matter.”

  The light turned green, but he didn’t move. We were stopped on a slow street, and at the moment we were the only car. “What I saw in the hospital…” Liam shook his head trying to wipe away the bad memories. “You’re good, Declan, you always have been. You work hard, you create things no one ever could, and you’re a badass when it comes to ink. If this is what you need, if this will keep you happy, it’s your home, Dex, you do what you want.”