Possession

by Johnson, A. M.

  A car honked behind us and Liam let off the brakes and moved forward.

  “Thank you.” I let myself smile as he nodded.

  Kieran exhaled and rested his back into his seat. “Do you think she’ll say yes?” he asked.

  “I have no idea.” But I hoped.

  My hand shook as I raised it to the doorbell. About ten minutes ago, I’d texted Paige telling her that we were almost to her house. My head was turned, watching Liam drive away when the front door opened. Her scent filled my lungs as I inhaled, and the light sound of a gasp brought my gaze to her wide eyes. The plane of her cheeks were pink, and her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth. Paige’s hair was wet and the blonde tendrils spilled across her shoulders. My breath captured itself into small clouds within the cold air as I struggled for something to say.

  She shivered and wrapped her hands around her body. I’d like to think it was because she was cold, but as I stepped closer to the doorway, she hugged herself tighter as if she was bracing herself, protecting herself from me. The acid in my stomach turned. My brothers were right, I shouldn’t have kept her away as long as I had.

  “You’re freezing.” I lifted my hand and took a piece of her hair between my thumb and finger.

  “I just got out of the shower.” Her words were quiet, but her voice filled me with courage. I’d missed the sound of it more than I’d thought.

  She was wearing an oversized, black and red University of Utah sweatshirt and yoga pants.

  “Can I—”

  She stepped to the side and her hair fell from my fingers. She shook her head and gave me a shy smile. “Sorry, you’re probably freezing, too, come in.”

  The warmth of her house embraced me as I walked over the threshold. The door clicked shut behind me as I moved farther into the small house. There was music coming from down the hall to my right.

  “Is Lana home?” I asked, as Paige fell into place at my side and led me to her room.

  “No, she’s at school, she’ll be back in a little while,” Paige spoke as she shut her bedroom door. The music played from the docking station on her dresser as I turned to face her. She looked up at me with giant eyes, and the color, a thick azure, speckled with bits of green and amber, set my pulse to a sprint. “I’ve been crazy, these past few weeks, the days, they’ve blended together, and the nights, I haven’t slept… Declan, I—”

  “I’m sorry.” I held her face with my hands. “I didn’t want—”

  “I know, you didn’t want me to see you in there, but—”

  “No.” I grazed my thumbs gently under her eyes and wiped away the tears. “I didn’t want to hurt you, and yes… I didn’t want you to see me in there, and I knew if you saw what I was like, what they boiled me down to, you’d never look at me the same.”

  She raised her hands to my shoulders. “Liam told me… he said… he said you were gone for a while?”

  I nodded.

  “He said… he’d never seen you that blank… like you were lost, but…” She exhaled a shaky breath. “He said that I was there... in your head and that you still drew my eyes?”

  Shadows flickered through my thoughts. I dropped my hold, stepping away, her arms fell to her sides, and I laced her hand with mine. “I was in an eternal state of night. It was starless, void of light, and filled with hate and rage… and lies. All I could focus on was the bad. Once all the meds were out of my system, and I faded to the background of my own mind… you were the only fragment of myself I had to hold on to. The night I gave you the tattoo, that memory… it was rooted inside me. And once they started the new meds, it grew, and each branch, each piece of us... they became the steps I’d use to rise from the hole I’d fallen into.”

  She let go of my hand, and draped her arms around my waist. Her cheek pressed to the center of my chest as she breathed deeply. “I missed you,” she whispered.

  “I should’ve called you when I didn’t discharge like I was supposed to.” The guilt bared down on me.

  She nodded and I pulled her as close as I could. My arms swallowed her small body. “You should’ve called.” She leaned back, but kept the heat of her hands at my waist. Her eyes were vibrant, no more tears to blur the pristine blue as they met mine. “But, I get it. I understand that you needed to go through this on your own, and that you were trying to protect me, but you know I’ve always loved your dark, even that pitch black night… because at some point it gives way to the light of day. It’s scary, and I will never fully understand what it’s like for you, but it’s beautiful, and it’s perfect… because it’s you.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “They took my pride, Paige. They stripped me down, they took away my reason, they stopped my meds, and they showed me what I was really like. I was nothing more than my illness.”

  “That experience taught you what could happen, Declan. The illness, the voices, the depression, it’s too much to contain all on your own. You’ll burst if you try to keep it from me. You have to take care of yourself, and I want to help you. Let me help you… let me want you, let me see it all.”

  She raised up on her tiptoes and I tilted my head down enough that our lips almost touched as I spoke, “The past three weeks… it was a nightmare I didn’t think I could escape. I’ve never felt so empty.” She briefly brushed her lips against mine and it lit my spine and sent a shuddering heat through my limbs. “I didn’t know who I was anymore.” I lowered my nose to the crook in her neck and she leaned her head to the side as I inhaled. I raised my lips to her ear and whispered, “Show me I’m still human, that I’m still a man.”

  Our mouths crashed together as my hands slid into her hair. The wet strands cooled the fever in my fingertips and slowed my over-eager lips. I’d spent the past three weeks in the circles of Hell, but all it took was one taste of her, and every miserable fucking minute dissipated into her soft gasp as I pressed my body against hers.

  My name parted her lips as I pulled away. Paige blushed, and as I lifted her sweatshirt, she raised her arms for me. Her stare penetrated mine, and I began to breathe again. Deep, real breaths filled with the warmth of orange and gold. My heartbeat thundered as she unclasped her bra and let it fall to the floor. The teardrop shape of her breasts, the dusted pink of her nipples, I licked my lips and felt the color of life fill each beat of my heart. I laid her down on the stark white of her comforter and she moved herself to the middle of the bed, watching me as I pulled my sweater over my head. Her eyes scanned my chest as I kicked off my shoes, unbuttoned my jeans, and removed them along with my boxer-briefs.

  I moved to the foot of the bed and crawled over her body, taking her breast into my mouth. My hands were braced on the mattress as I tasted her, letting the feeling surge through me. That death I’d suffered had almost been cured. My mouth created a path past her tattoo to the top of her pants, and as I peeled them down, my lips followed. I kissed her thighs and her calves as I slowly undressed her, leaving the rest of her clothes on the floor. Her scent revived me as my mouth moved along the length of her inner thigh. Her fingers knotted in my hair, and she gasped as I brought my mouth between her legs.

  Paige tasted like the color of champagne, the shade of strawberries stained her chest and cheeks as she came in my mouth. Her legs trembled as I moved my body over hers and pushed inside her. She worshipped my name as our bodies collided, and the heat of her skin, the way she dug her nails into the flesh of my back, the way we fit together, the way her lips savored mine… I’d never last. Her cries were whispered along the bow of my bottom lip, as she moved in pace with my rhythm, letting me have the control, letting me be a man, letting me live… through her I had everything.

  The muscles in my stomach coiled, my hand fisted in her hair and my tongue licked the seam of her lips, dipping into her mouth as I growled out my release. Paige wrapped her arms around my neck, letting her fingers run through my hairline, pulling me closer as she melted below me.

  Out of breath and content, we stared at each other. The corner o
f her lips curled into a smile as I smoothed my thumbs over her cheeks. I watched the electric blue of her eyes dim as she fell back to Earth with me, and without any hesitation I said, “I want you to move in with me.”

  His eyes were clear, open windows, no shade clouding his soul, no reluctance or anxiety, just pure and honest anticipation. The weight of his body shifted as the seconds ticked by. He rested onto his side and, with his finger, he moved a strand of my hair off my forehead.

  “Are you sure?” I’d seen the answer already in his eyes, but the girl in me needed that reassurance. The wounded parts of me needed to hear it, needed to finally heal over for good.

  His lips spread into a soft smile and he nodded. “If you’re worried about Liam… don’t be. He’s okay with it.”

  My heartbeat fluttered as I rolled onto my side. We were eye to eye on the pillow as I said, “Move in?” It wasn’t really a question, the way it whispered across my tongue… I was playing with the notion.

  Declan raised his hand and trailed his thumb along the ink on my ribcage. “Yes,” he said. “Move in. Your face, these eyes, your mouth, Paige, I need to see it all every day. In the morning, and before I close my eyes. I need it as much as I need to take my damn medications.” His smile curled and creased around his eyes. “You’re good for my mental health.”

  A quiet laugh parted my lips. “When?”

  “Whenever you’re ready.” He lifted his weight onto his elbow.

  “I’m ready.”

  Declan’s smile met mine and our lips broke against one another’s with a delicate sweetness. It was tender and hungry and it pooled inside my stomach with a delicious heat. Declan’s mouth didn’t leave mine as he leaned back. His hands on my waist pulled my weight above him. A deep, rumbling groan vibrated within his chest below my palms, as I moved my legs, positioning them, one on each side of his hips. His body was hard and the pressure, the ache he stirred in my core felt a partial relief as he pressed himself against me.

  “I’m ready,” I whispered again and he took my breath away, filling me, as he connected my pulse with his.

  We hadn’t left my bed since he’d shown up, and when I’d heard Lana come home about ten minutes ago, the sound of the front door had roused me from my sleep. Declan’s arm was wrapped around me, his hand on my belly keeping me close. The position made it easy for me to explore the smooth surface of his muscles. My fingers created serpentine lines down Declan’s chest. His breathing was even as he slept, his face without any tension, his lips slightly separated as he inhaled and exhaled in peace. A loud grumble erupted in my belly and my mouth watered with nausea. I was starting to get hungry.

  When my thumb dusted against his nipple, it was the first time I noticed he’d taken out his piercings, and it distracted me from my empty stomach. I’d grown used to the way the metal had felt under my fingertips.

  “I had to take out all of my piercings.” His groggy voice startled me, and he chuckled.

  He moved his arm and I sat up. My gaze lifted to his ears, where his earrings were secured in place.

  “The ear piercings didn’t close.” He lifted his hand and the pads of his fingers ran along the silver jewelry in his ear.

  “Will you pierce them again?” I asked and felt my cheeks heat.

  He grinned. “Do you want me to?”

  “I think I do.” It fit him, and it was kind of sexy. “Does it hurt?”

  “Like hell.” He laughed when my stomach growled again. “You sound hungry.”

  “I am. Lana just got home, and on the nights she meets with her professor she brings home take out.” I leaned across his body to my nightstand to grab my hair tie. His firm hands gripped my waist, and I squealed as he gently tossed me onto my back before I could reach it. His smile was full and his stare landed on my mouth. “Declan, Lana is here.” I giggled as he buried his nose in my neck. The hairs of his beard scratched and tickled my overheated skin.

  “I don’t care,” he mumbled as his teeth nipped my earlobe.

  I wiggled under the heavy muscles of his chest. “This house has thinner walls than your apartment.” He hummed in agreement and the heat of his breath spread down my arms, chest, and legs. I laughed as I said, “I’m serious.” I playfully shoved him and he groaned as he sat up on his knees. I pressed my lips together and admired his body. Everything between Declan and I felt normal… things felt better, easy.

  He smiled down at me when he caught me staring. “You don’t look serious.”

  “I’m starving… and don’t you want me to tell Lana I’m moving out?” I brought my triumphant gaze to his.

  Declan’s eyes brightened as he said, “Let’s get dressed.”

  We quickly threw on our clothes, and I brushed out my hair and pulled it up into a knot. Declan watched me in the mirror as I secured the mess on the top of my head. My cheeks were flushed and my skin tingled all the places where his mouth had been.

  I met his stare in the mirror. “This feels different.”

  I turned to look at him face-to-face when he asked, “How?”

  I smiled as his brows furrowed and said, “It’s a good thing. Now that Clark agreed to the divorce…” Declan’s eyes narrowed just enough I noticed. “Even though everything isn’t final… I feel free. I’m free.” His shoulders relaxed. “And, I can tell you feel better. When was the last time the voices spoke to you?”

  He ran his hand through his hair and his smile reached his eyes. “It’s been almost five days.”

  “Declan, that’s—”

  “A fucking miracle.” He moved toward me and took my hand in his. “I’m happy, Paige.” Those crystal blue windows opened wide again as he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. “Come on.”

  He opened the door to my bedroom and the smell of Chinese food hit me like a brick. My head swam and all the acid in my stomach churned.

  “Declan—”

  “Paige, I got the Jade Dragon, I ordered your favorite…” Lana paused when she noticed Declan at my side. “Well, hello there.” Her teasing smile fell as she turned her eyes to me. “You alright?”

  I tried to swallow down the sick feeling but that smell…

  “I’m going to be sick.” I dropped Declan’s hand and ran to the bathroom.

  My knees hit the cool floor and my shoulders burned as I dry heaved over and over again. My stomach was empty, and I prayed for relief as the room began to spin. My fingers gripped the bowl of the toilet as I tried desperately to expel the bile from my throat. Declan kneeled down behind me, his hand on my lower back moving in comforting circles as I spit into the bowl.

  “Shit, Paige, are you okay?” Lana’s voice filtered through the small bathroom.

  I shook my head.

  “What can I do?” Declan asked, his tone even and soothing.

  I cleared my throat. “Maybe some water?”

  “On it!” Lana volunteered.

  I leaned over and flushed the toilet, already feeling a little less nauseated.

  Declan stood, grabbed the hand towel that was hanging on the side of the sink, wet it under the faucet and wrung it out before he handed it to me. “Here.”

  “Thank you,” my throat hurt as I spoke. The cold towel felt like heaven against my forehead.

  “Your color is coming back.” Declan gave me a small smile.

  “I didn’t realize I was that hungry.” It wasn’t normal for me to get that sick. I mean, I’d barely eaten at all after I’d left Clark and I’d been fine.

  “Maybe it’s a stomach bug? Either way, I should go home tonight, let you rest.” He offered his hand and I took it standing on wobbly legs.

  Declan placed his palm on my forehead as I wiped my mouth with the towel. “I think I just need to eat.” The thought of food made my stomach twist.

  “I don’t know, you just got pale again.” Worry furrowed his brow.

  I took a deep breath, leaning against the counter as I handed him the towel. “Will you throw this in the hamper in my room?”


  He lingered in the doorway for a second before he turned to leave. I closed my eyes as I heard ice clink into a glass from the kitchen. I exhaled and opened my eyes before I reached down and opened the cabinet to grab another towel. I rummaged through a few toiletries and lifted a towel from the back of the cupboard. Just as I was about to shut the cabinet door my eyes fell onto a box of unopened tampons. The butterflies in my stomach took flight.

  It wasn’t possible.

  I counted in my head… I never paid attention to dates anymore. After Clark and I had tried for so long… with no results…

  I was two weeks late.

  There was no way.

  I couldn’t conceive.

  But you have before.

  Clark and I had never been tested. He’d blamed me, said I’d been damned, that God would never grant me another child because of my sin.

  I dropped my hand to my stomach, kneeled on the floor, and squeezed my eyes shut.

  Please.

  It was crazy to want this. Declan and I had finally begun to find our way… he was getting better.

  Dear Heavenly Father, I beg you.

  “Paige?” Declan’s anxious tone opened my eyes. “Are you feeling sick again?”

  I want this, I want this. Dear God, I want this.

  “I’m late, Declan. Two weeks.” Tears pricked my eyes but I wouldn’t let them fall. I wouldn’t let him think this was a bad thing.

  I felt the heat of his body as he kneeled down next to me again and my eyes opened.

  “I thought you couldn’t get pregnant?”

  “Pregnant?” Lana gasped and I turned to face her. She handed me the water and the glass shook in my hand.

  Declan held it steady for me as I raised it to my lips. The water was a blessing as it poured down my throat. No one spoke as I drank the entirety of the glass and set it on the floor. I’d expected Lana to leave, giving Declan and I some space, but she just stared at me as I kept my eyes to the tile. I was too afraid to look at Declan, too afraid of what I’d see in those eyes.