Possession

by Johnson, A. M.

  He lifted my chin with two fingers forcing my attention. The blue color of his irises hadn’t faded, the shadows hadn’t returned, if anything they were illuminated. “I thought you said—”

  “We weren’t able to conceive, Declan, and I’d thought it was my fault. He’d said it was my fault.”

  “Asshole,” Lana whispered under her breath and Declan’s jaw ticked.

  “Lana, I love you but maybe some privacy?” I raised my eyebrows as I looked back at her.

  “Oh, my God, I’m sorry. Yes, I’ll… um… be in the kitchen.” She made a move to leave, but an idea lit her features. “Back left corner, under the sink, pregnancy test…” She shrugged her shoulders. “Had a little scare last month, all is well, no fetus for this girl.” She gave me a sideways grin and turned to leave.

  Declan’s eyes were on the cabinet, his face flat and unreadable.

  “Are you angry?” I asked around the lump in my throat.

  He tilted his head to the right and palmed my cheek. “Why would I be angry?”

  “You can’t possibly want this, not now, when you—”

  “Don’t do that,” he interrupted me, dropped his hand, and stood, leaving me cold without his body heat. I rose and my knees felt weak as I met his hard glare. “I feel like I’m seventeen all over again, and you’re going to tell me—”

  “I want this, Declan.” I laced his fingers through mine as I spoke with trembling lips.

  “You do?” he asked and his breathing increased.

  I nodded.

  “You’re not worried, about…” He raised our linked hands and pointed to his head, “My illness?”

  “No.” I shook my head and exhaled a shaky breath in an attempt to stave off the tears. My heart felt unburdened as it all finally clicked into place. “I never conceived with Clark, not because I was beyond redemption, but because I wasn’t supposed to. If we’ve been given the chance… if I’m pregnant, I hope the baby is just like you.”

  His eyes filled with tears and the muscle in his jaw pulsed as he struggled to speak, “Don’t ever say that, don’t wish for that.”

  I released his grip and raised onto my toes, placing my hands on his cheeks. His nostrils flared as he fought back his emotion. “I wish for it, Declan, I do, because then I’d know this child could see it all, see the world just like you.”

  He leaned his forehead against mine as a few of his tears wet the flesh of my thumbs.

  “I want this, too.” He breathed the words and, as I closed my eyes, I almost felt hope give way to truth.

  I pulled back and said, “Should we check?”

  He nodded as his lips pulled up at the corners.

  He gave me a moment and left the bathroom. I found the test, opened it, and read the information provided. I did exactly as instructed and left the purple and white stick sitting on the back of the toilet. Declan wasn’t pacing the hall like I thought he’d be, he was leaning against the wall, his face without stress, his eyes on mine.

  “Three minutes,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist, placed my ear to his chest, and listened to his heart. His pulse wasn’t fast, or apprehensive, it was steady and strong.

  He set his hand on the small of my back. “Three minutes,” he repeated.

  One hundred ninety-five heartbeats later we both entered the bathroom, hand in hand, and smiled at the bold plus sign… at our future.

  “I think that’s everything,” Kieran said as he set one large suitcase onto the floor of my bedroom.

  “Thank you.” Paige raised to her feet, she’d been kneeling, looking through a box, and gave Kieran a smile. “I could’ve carried that up the stairs, it’s not that heavy.” She shifted her gaze to me and narrowed her eyes with a smirk.

  “I don’t want you to overexert yourself, not until we confirm everything with the doctor.” What if she really wasn’t supposed to conceive and this was some fluke? She was holding the most precious gift I’d ever receive, and I couldn’t help it if I’d become a little overprotective.

  Kieran laughed when Paige rolled her eyes at me. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be the same way when I have a kid.”

  “You’ll have to actually have sex at some point… you know… to have a baby.” Liam’s sarcasm came with a lopsided grin as he walked into the room.

  Paige blushed and Kieran’s smile dropped as he said, “You’re a dick.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.” Liam laughed and Kieran shook his head.

  “Taking Mom to church, let us know how it goes tomorrow.” Kieran gave both Paige and I a hug before he turned to leave. “Go easy on them.” He punched Liam in the shoulder just as he walked out of the bedroom door.

  “You think that kid could get laid? Twenty-six-year-old virgin… it’s not right.” Liam eyed me. “And you two… you think you could use a condom, for fuck’s sake?”

  Paige’s eyes went wide with shock and I laughed without humor. “Don’t worry, we’ll get our own place soon.”

  Paige had gone pale and I wanted to punch my asshole of a brother.

  “Thank you for letting me stay here.” Paige’s voice was too timid and it pissed me off.

  “Don’t thank him… he doesn’t deserve it.”

  Liam wouldn’t talk to me after I told him Paige was pregnant. He’d finally come around at the shop a few days ago and asked me how I’d felt about everything. I told him the truth… that I was scared, that I wanted this, that I loved her and wanted to do everything right… for her… for my child.

  It’d been a little over a week since we’d first found out, and tomorrow we had an appointment with her doctor. The last time I went with her to that clinic it had been to end a life. The past few days the voices stirred, just a few here and there. Paige worried for me, but I’d told her that I was fine, that it was bound to happen every now and then. I wasn’t cured, but functioning. And Liam worried about me, too, worried that this baby could ruin my progress, set me back again… but he just didn’t have faith. Not in God, not in himself, and certainly not in me. I wrapped my fingers through Paige’s and she looked up at me. The panic I’d seen in her eyes faded to a soft powder blue and her cream cheeks stained with pink.

  “I actually came in here to tell you guys something.” The corner of Liam’s mouth twitched. “Ronnie’s girlfriend’s boss, he’s selling the loft above his antique store, just a few blocks down, I put in a bid and they accepted my offer.”

  A small sound of surprise parted Paige’s lips and my stomach turned. “You don’t have to move out, you own Avenues, Liam. If it’s that big of a burden we’ll—”

  “I’m not moving out, you guys are, in a month. It will be ready then. The place is huge, three bedrooms, studio space… I thought you guys would like it better without my ass around.”

  “We can’t afford that.” My brows furrowed as his smile spread to his eyes.

  “I know, but I can.”

  “Liam?” Paige was breathless. “You don’t need to—”

  “It’s already taken care of. When you guys get on your feet, you can take over the payments. It was dirt cheap, considering the square footage, but it needs a lot of work, Kieran and I can help make it livable.”

  The pain in my throat was impossible to speak around.

  Can’t take care of her, not on your own.

  “Liam, I…” I shook my head, warding off the voices. I felt that guilt threefold. “I’m not your problem anymore… I can do this, you didn’t have to—”

  He held up his hand and swallowed. “Our dad was a piece of shit. We didn’t get the childhood we should have… I tried… but I’m no father figure, and fuck, I struggle, too, but I want to do this. I have the money. The shop has taken off, you’re a partner, so is Kieran, it’s our money.” He stepped toward me and clasped my shoulder. “I know you can take care of your own… but so do I.”

  I pressed my lips together in order to keep myself in check. Maybe he had faith in me after all. This was too much, but goddammit, I
was grateful. Paige squeezed my hand, and I lowered my gaze from Liam to her. Her irises were sapphire, filled with a hundred facets of unshed tears. “Thank you,” she whispered and Liam nodded.

  I raised my free hand to his shoulder and gripped it as I said, “I’d be dead without you. I only hope to be as good of a father to this child, as you were for me.”

  His jaw clenched. “You’ll be better.” The strain in his voice was evident as I released my hold.

  Paige moved quicker than Liam was prepared for. She dropped my hand and wrapped both of her arms around his waist. He stood stiff for a few seconds and then pulled her into a hug. I laughed quietly at the awkward posture of his shoulders. Once she let go, the room went quiet for a moment. The weight on my heart lifted as Liam gave Paige a sideways smile.

  “I’m staying at a friend’s tonight. Give you guys some privacy, get settled in.” He clapped me on the shoulder and turned to leave.

  “Liam,” I called and he paused. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me yet... you haven’t seen the place.” He chuckled as he left the room and shut the door.

  Paige weaved her arm around my waist. “Our own place,” she spoke with reverence.

  “I can’t believe he did that for us.”

  “I can’t believe he doesn’t hate me.” She giggled at first, but it was one of those nervous giggles, the kind that eventually breaks into that stomach aching, uncontrollable laughter, and the sound of it, of her… happy, it broke the mood into something different, some brilliant shade of yellow, and it chased the voices from my head as I laughed, too.

  The waiting room hadn’t changed much, maybe new paint over the years, but the tables were covered in the same types of women’s magazines, and the place was still just as packed. The old memory stayed in the recess of my mind as the excitement built in my chest. The couple sitting next to us was talking about baby names, and the older woman across the way smiled as she listened in on their conversation. My hand practically crushed Paige’s and she smiled at me when I brought my eyes to hers.

  “You need to breathe,” she said and raised her right brow.

  “What if the test was wrong?” I’d never wanted anything like this… and there was still some small part of me that didn’t think I deserved it… deserved her.

  “We took three.” She bit her bottom lip to subdue her growing grin.

  “I know, but—”

  “Paige?” The nurse in pink scrubs called her name, and the heat in my chest set fire to the surrounding tissue.

  I swore under my breath as she stood with a giggle. “You coming?” she asked and held out her hand.

  As I stood, I took her hand in mine, and we walked in silence through the door. The nurse spoke to Paige only, asking her about her last menstrual period, and if she’d had a positive test at home. She penned Paige’s answers into the chart and then handed her a cup directing her to the bathroom.

  “You can follow me.” The nurse held out her arm showing me the way, her pink scrubs were the only welcoming thing about her.

  She brought me to a room with an exam table and a large machine with a monitor. She pulled out a paper square and unfolded it setting it on the table. “Have her take everything off from the waist down.” She pointed at the paper blanket reciting it as if she’d done this a million times already today. “She can use that to cover up. Dr. Carmichael will be in shortly to start the ultrasound.”

  She left with a tight professional smile on her face, but not even a minute later Paige came into the room. She scanned my face and her smile pulled wide.

  “You look terrified.” She laughed as she unbuttoned her jeans and slipped them off along with her underwear handing them to me. Any other time, I would have loved that she was half-naked in front of me, but right now, the excitement had turned to anxiety, and my stomach felt hollow. I rolled up her clothes and stuffed them next to me on the chair.

  “I thought I was supposed to tell you to undress from the waist down?”

  “The nurse caught me in the hallway,” she said as she lifted the cover up and sat on the exam table. She maneuvered the thin, fragile looking material over her legs.

  “She was pleasant.” My tone fell flat.

  “Are you okay?” Her smile dimmed a little as she observed me, looking for that piece of night.

  I nodded and the muscle in my jaw pulsed. “I’m nervous.”

  “Me too.”

  “What if I screw this up?” I asked.

  “You won’t.” She grinned. “We both know what it’s like to have horrible parents.”

  “I have all this feeling… pent up in my chest, this love for a person I don’t even know, an idea… a chance… I want to give this child everything. And that’s impossible.”

  “Give our child all that love, Declan. That feeling in your chest… it’s enough… it’s everything.” She smiled as I let what she said soak into my spine, and I relaxed.

  The door opened, and a tall, blonde woman walked in wearing green scrubs. Her smile was genuine as it pulled into a dimple on her left cheek, “I’m Dr. Carmichael, and you must be Paige?”

  She shook Paige’s hand and then mine. I introduced myself and she explained what was going to happen next. She was going to do an exam first and then the ultrasound. She offered me the opportunity to step out for the exam and I declined as I rose from the chair. I chose to stand next to Paige on her right and wound my hand with hers as she lay back onto the table. The exam was quick, but I assumed not painless for Paige, since she winced a few times. I hated that I was pretty much useless, but at least this time I was there for her.

  The doctor lowered the lights and my heart began to hammer.

  “I’m guessing from the dates you provided, you’re most likely around seven to eight weeks along.” Dr. Carmichael smiled at us and I looked at Paige. “I’m hoping you’ll get to hear the heartbeat today.”

  Paige had created a miracle.

  “I love you,” I whispered as I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

  The doctor began the ultrasound and Paige’s eyes locked on mine. The room filled with the static of white noise. I kept my eyes on her, the blank buzz squeezed the walls of my heart as I waited… for something… for anything. Paige’s lower lip was pinned between her teeth, her blue eyes colored in hope. A soft gallop echoed in the room. Its rhythm was disjointed, fast and irregular, but Paige and I both exhaled, and our lips spread across our faces into huge fucking grins.

  Her smile was unending and it fed the beat of my heart, bleeding out the uncertainty. I’d never felt such a clean and clear happiness like this. That smile, it would forever be all I needed to steady my feet on the unleveled ground I walked on every day.

  “Huh,” Dr. Carmichael murmured to herself.

  “Does everything look okay?” Paige asked me and I turned my head to look at the screen.

  “I can’t tell.”

  “Can you hear it?” the doctor asked and I shook my head. “There are two heartbeats.”

  “T-two?” Paige stuttered.

  Two…

  The air in the room was thin, and made me work for each breath.

  “See?” She pointed to the screen. “There are two separate sacs. Each baby will have its own placenta. This is good. We’ll have to watch you more carefully, but don’t worry too much, this is actually more common than people think.”

  Paige and I stared at the monitor. Two distinct hearts fluttered on the screen.

  “Twins.” My voice cracked, and I brought my gaze to Paige’s. She gave me a watery smile, and maybe it was just a hallucination, but as I leaned down to kiss her I felt hands on my shoulders. Strong hands that held me in place, kept my weak knees from crumbling, and the warmth from them seeped into my bloodstream pulsing out all of my remaining shadows.

  They are yours.

  My lips brushed against hers as the doctor turned up the lights in the room. I held Paige’s face with my hands and the tears in hers eyes pooled onto
her lashes.

  They are meant for you.

  “Say something.” My lips feathered against hers as I spoke and then pulled away.

  The perfect curve of her mouth reached higher mirroring my own smile as she said, “We were always meant to have two.”

  The light poured through the floor-to-ceiling windows inside our studio, and even though it had snowed earlier, the sun heated the room with its yellow glow. The sunlight illuminated Paige’s hair into strands of gold as she sat with our son, Royal, on one side of the huge piece of white canvas we’d rolled out earlier. The length of it took up almost a quarter of the room. Royal’s hands were covered in washable paint. His white blond hair was stained green, and as he squealed, his hands smacked the fabric, swirling the red and green and blue colors together in front of Paige. He sat between her legs, and Indigo sat between mine. My daughter’s palette was darker. Indie picked the gray and navy blue paint from the bucket, and instead of smearing her fingers in the blots of color I’d poured for her, she dipped her fingertips into the paint carefully. Using them almost like a brush as she made tiny little dots across the canvas. She giggled, sat back onto her diaper, and turned her head. Indigo’s round, pale blue eyes shimmered with flecks of amber as she gave me a toothy smile.

  “I think she’s the artist.” Paige laughed as Royal started to paint himself instead of the cloth.

  I chuckled. “He’s more abstract.”

  Paige lifted Royal’s hand with hers and placed it palm side down in the paint. Indie stopped what she was doing and watched her mother with an intent face that shouldn’t belong to a one year old.

  “Like this, baby.” Paige took Royal’s hand and pressed it gently onto the canvas, creating a perfect handprint. His lips spread into a smile and his light blue eyes widened.

  Indie’s fingers felt fragile under mine as I showed her how to make her own handprint. I’d never get used to how soft their skin was, or how each breath they took gave me life. Royal looked just like me, and Indie was a carbon copy of Paige. Two people, two souls born on the same day, and yet so different. Royal was a whirlwind, always laughing and smiling, and Indigo… she was more reserved. She’d spoken her first word after Royal, but excelled in other milestones. Paige joked about how she was like me, stuck in her own world, and at times I could see myself in Indie’s eyes and instead of fear I felt pride.