Kraken My Heart

by K. L. Hiers

  “Consider yourself very fortunate that I think you’re cute,” Grell complained.

  “You said you were the one that found Mire’s body,” Ted said, ignoring the obvious flirting that made him blush. “Can you tell me what happened?”

  “I walked in, found his body, the end. Now tell me, in detail, how you got in here.”

  “You add details first if you want the same,” Ted argued, smugly biting into a thick sausage.

  Glaring for a long moment, Grell finally replied, “It was late. I received a message that Mire wanted to meet with me. Said it was important. I arrived at court, alone, and he was already dead on the floor.

  “He’d been stabbed repeatedly, but there was no weapon that I could see. I called for the guards, and none of them remembered hearing a damn thing. I summoned the court, and they had just finished telling me how none of them knew anything either, and then you dropped in.”

  “Huh.”

  “Now, in detail, tell me how the fuck you’re navigating my castle,” Grell demanded.

  “Ah spirith showed meh,” Ted replied through a mouthful of food.

  Grell grimaced in disgust.

  “Sorry.” Ted chewed quickly and swallowed before he elaborated, “I was never any good at magic, okay? Like, practically a dud. But then I started working at the funeral home and I met my first dead guy.

  “I could see him, standing by his own body, and after that? I saw ’em all the time. They talk to me, yell at me, whatever. Some of them are friendly, and well, it always sounds crazy when I say it out loud.”

  “You have starsight.” Grell stepped closer, brushing the floating tray of food out of his way.

  “Hey, I was eating that!” Ted griped.

  “How does a precious little mortal like you end up with a gift from gods you don’t even believe in?” Grell mused, right in Ted’s space now and peering up at him curiously.

  Ted ran his tongue over his teeth, swallowing back his last bite of food. “Uh, just lucky, I guess. What, uh, what’s starsight exactly?”

  “A blessing from Great Azaethoth himself. It manifests in many different ways. Some can see the future, some can read godstongue, some see the dead, and some see all that’s hidden.”

  “Cool.” Ted fidgeted. “Are you just gonna stay all up in my bubble or what? Because you’re freaking me out a little bit right now.”

  “May I touch you, Ted of Aeon?”

  “Yes—wait, no! Why?” Ted steeled himself for anything, hating how his pulse fluttered. He couldn’t quite decipher the way Grell was looking at him. It was hungry and full of danger, and he could feel himself being completely sucked in.

  “I promise I’ll be gentle,” Grell said, his hand hovering over Ted’s chest. He reconsidered, adding, “Ish.”

  “Uh… sure, I guess?” Ted watched the buttons of his pajama top magically open on their own for Grell.

  Grell pressed his hand against Ted’s chest, right over his heart. He seemed to be searching for something, but Ted had no idea what.

  Ted didn’t know what to do. Grell’s hand was so warm, and it was really nice to be touched. If Grell was taller, they would have been close enough to kiss. As it was, Ted would need to lean down.

  He tried to escape the ridiculous urge, finding that Grell’s expression was becoming worried. He laid his hand over Grell’s, asking urgently, “What’s wrong?”

  “What are you, Ted of Aeon?” Grell asked quietly, his long fingers reaching up to cradle his face. “What are you… really?”

  “I’m just Ted,” he whispered back, his eyes closing as he leaned into Grell’s soft palm.

  “You truly have no idea how amazing you are.” Grell tilted his head up as his thumb stroked Ted’s cheek. “I’ve never met anyone like you. No one has the balls to speak to me, a king, the way that you do. That filthy mouth of yours, your undeniable passion….”

  Ted found himself being pulled right in, unable to resist whatever magical force of attraction was burning between them. All he had to do was lean down a little bit more and they’d kiss.

  Gulping, he watched Grell’s lips part expectantly. He was about to kiss a king, a king who was really a kitty-cat monster but who made him feel like he was the most beautiful man in the whole world.

  He felt small somehow, vulnerable, and the air had become electric. He couldn’t explain the strength of the new energy, nor could he look away from Grell’s bright eyes.

  Grell was very handsome, though he appeared quite a bit older than Ted. Not old enough to have been his father, but maybe a teacher or something. Ted really liked the silver sparkling around his temples and the streaks in his beard. The very shape of Grell’s nose was quite attractive, small and round like a cat’s, a fitting centerpiece for his pleasantly round face.

  Even his sharp teeth were alluring in their own way, and Ted briefly wondered what they’d feel like on his skin.

  Oh, but it was those eyes of his that really made Ted shiver. More so than his pointed teeth, Grell’s eyes reminded Ted that this creature before him wasn’t human. The depth of color was beyond any mortal’s genetics, shimmering and metallic, a spectacular golden hue that Ted found absolutely hypnotic.

  “Grell,” Ted said, his voice thick and tense. “Are you….”

  “Yes, Theodore?”

  Ted smiled at that and shook his head. “My name isn’t Theodore, it’s—”

  “Your Highness!” A giant Asra appeared from the nearby wall, baring its teeth as it shouted, “Urgent news!”

  Ted jerked in surprise, staring up at the enormous cat creature. He had been too overwhelmed before, but now he had a moment to get a better look at this incredible monster.

  The Asra were built like panthers, and all the ones he’d seen so far were the size of Clydesdales. Their shoulders and front legs were particularly bulky, their backs were arched at an unnatural angle, and he could now see that their long tails split off into a bundle of thick tentacles.

  There were small tentacles mounted behind their huge pointed ears, and this Asra had a large and intricately carved bead clamped around one of them. It was then Ted realized what he had mistaken for earrings in the painting were actually these smaller ear tentacles strung with multiple beads.

  Whatever significance they had, Ted didn’t know, but it helped distract from the giant mouthful of pointed teeth.

  Grell scowled, whirling around to glare at the intruding Asra. “Oh, this had better be good,” he snarled. “I was in the middle of something. No, not even the middle. I was trying to start something, and you’ve ruined it!”

  Ted flushed, turning his head away.

  He knew he should have been relieved that nothing had happened, but he was truthfully just as annoyed as Grell.

  “I’m sorry, Your Highness,” the Asra said hastily. “The court is eager to begin the trial, and Humble Visseract is already done completing his witness statements. He sent me to summon you and the prisoner to court at once!”

  Grell grimaced and scrubbed his hands over his face, as if trying to calm down. His body was suddenly growing, bigger and bigger, his shoulders stretching and threatening to tear the seams of his crimson fur coat. “Thirteen fuckin’ hours to go and he dares to send me a summons? You tell that fucking tuna-faced cunt that we’re starting when I’m good and fucking ready!”

  The Asra cowered, tucking its long tail between its legs.

  “And just for being such an overreaching little anal canker sore, you can inform him that the trial will not begin until the moon hangs in the sky at her most splendid apex and the Mostaistlis have taken their last drink of ambrosia!”

  “So… midnight?” the Asra squeaked.

  “Yes, midnight.” Grell took a deep breath and roared, “Now go! Before I decide to eat you from the inside out!”

  “Yes, Your Highness!” the Asra yelped as it retreated.

  Grell’s fury didn’t fade until the Asra vanished back through the wall. He took another deep breath, his body s
lowly returning to its former proportions. “Well, shit.”

  Ted had a vague memory of a fish monster with big black eyes and a long body, asking, “This Visser-whatever guy, was he in court yesterday?”

  “Yes,” Grell replied, smoothing out his coat. “He’s a Vulgoran. I believe there’s still a large company of them that live in your Mariana Trench.”

  “Wait,” Ted scoffed, “you’re telling me that there’s a bunch of fish monsters livin’ in the ocean?”

  “Think about how stupid your question sounds, wait a moment, and then ask me something else.”

  “You’re a dick,” Ted growled, instantly annoyed. “Fuck, I’m so glad you didn’t kiss me.”

  “Pardon?” Grell turned around with a short laugh. “I’m sorry, but it was you who was about to kiss me.”

  “Bullshit!” Ted snapped. “Ahem, mister gettin’ all mad because you were trying to start something. You were feelin’ up on me, and you were totally begging for a damn kiss!”

  “I did no such thing.”

  “Are you kidding me, jerkoff?”

  “I’m sorry that you misunderstood the situation.” Grell batted his eyes. “I’ll let you down easy, darling. While I’m sure you’d have a splendid time letting me pound your brains out, I’m simply not ready for a new relationship.”

  “A new relationship? What about your queen?” Ted demanded, hating how Grell’s rejection stung. “Is she gonna come try to whoop my ass over this shit, maybe tack on some more murder charges, or is she hanging out in a trench somewhere too?”

  “My queen is dead,” Grell replied flatly.

  “What?” All of Ted’s fight evaporated. “Dead?”

  Grell pointed to the portrait on the wall. “He died over three hundred years ago. Asra are everlasting, but not immortal. We can still get sick, become injured….” He trailed off quietly.

  “I’m sorry,” Ted said, recognizing the pain of mourning he’d seen thousands of times. His apologies felt hollow, probably because he’d said them so often at work. He didn’t know what else to say, and he hated how more questions were trying to sneak out of his mouth. “Your queen was… a dude?”

  “We are Asra,” Grell replied with a tired smile. “Although we mate in pairs, any one of us has the ability to give life or to carry it. Humans have such a limited concept of gender, eh? We are whatever we want to be. Some of us are ‘he,’ some are ‘she,’ and some are ‘they.’”

  “I don’t mean to offend.” Ted frowned, watching Grell’s expression continue to sag. “I’m just trying to understand.” He looked at the painting. “So, a queen is really just whoever is married to the king? No matter what they choose their gender to be?”

  “Now you’re getting it.”

  “How do you know what people want to be called?” Ted asked worriedly.

  “Usually, I find it’s easiest to open your mouth and ask if you’re unsure,” Grell said in a loud whisper.

  “What about you? You look like a man, but does that mean you like being referred to as male?”

  “I do, but ah, good question. Not many Asra take on human forms, but it is still wise not to assume based on appearances. When we’re in our natural state, we wear jewelry that explains who we are.”

  “That little doodle-bobber-on-the-ear thingie?” Ted asked, recalling the one he’d seen on the Asra earlier and the long strands on the Asra in the painting.

  “Yes. The very first bead on the right side tells you all that you need to know.”

  “That doesn’t really help me if I can’t fuckin’ read it. It just looks like a bunch of swirly lines.”

  “I can teach you, if you’d like.” Grell slowly wandered back into Ted’s personal space.

  “Uh… yeah. I guess that could be cool.” Ted gulped, buttoning his shirt up. “We should probably get back to work.”

  “Hmm?”

  “On the case!” Ted said urgently. “We only have until fuckin’ midnight, and Visser-ass sounds pretty serious about convicting me, like, fuckin’ yesterday.”

  “Visseract,” Grell corrected. “He’s the heir to Vulgoran’s largest clan and a righteous dick weasel. Don’t worry about him. Only I can call for the trial to begin, kingly perks and all that, and oh! I’m also your defense. Lucky you.”

  “Why is he so eager to convict me?” Ted pressed. “Kinda suspicious, don’t you think?”

  “A bit,” Grell mused, looking thoughtful for a moment.

  “You said you got a message that night telling you to meet Mire. Who delivered the message? Was it him?”

  “No, it was Thulogian Silas.”

  “What the fuck is with your names?” Ted muttered as he reached for the floating tray of food. “Why are they all so weird?”

  “You’re one to talk,” Grell sneered. “Human names make absolutely no sense. How the hell do you get Ted from Theodore? Jim from James? It’s madness.”

  “Dick from Richard?” Ted snorted.

  “Oh, that’s easy,” Grell teased. “You buy Richard dinner, show him a lovely time, and bring flowers.”

  Ted rolled his eyes as he finished up his breakfast. “So, where is this Silas?”

  “She lives off by herself in the forest outside the castle.” Grell removed the emptied tray with another snap.

  Ted looked down and saw that he was now dressed in a fresh T-shirt and jeans. “Uh, thanks.” He ran his hands on the denim, noting they were just a smidge too tight. He glared at Grell expectantly. “Ahem?”

  Grell smiled sweetly, shamelessly admiring the fit.

  “You gonna fix this?”

  “Fix what?”

  “My pants!” Ted snapped.

  “Is there a problem?” Grell asked with a little bat of his eyes.

  “Yes,” Ted groaned in frustration.

  “With what?”

  “My fuckin’ pants! They’re too damn tight!”

  “What’s too tight?”

  Ted could see this was a losing battle and decided to ignore the snug state of his pants and move on. “So, can we just snap on over there?”

  “We’ll have to get Vizier Ghulk to take us,” Grell said. “Silas doesn’t like unexpected guests. She’s very likely to eat us on sight if we don’t let Ghulk escort us.”

  “But she’s the one who brought you Mire’s message?” Ted scratched his head.

  “Right? I thought it was strange too. She swore it was important.”

  “But wouldn’t say what it was?”

  “No.”

  The library vanished, and Ted found himself back in the castle court. There were a few Asra, a Vulgoran fish thing, and other monsters Ted still couldn’t identify. He stayed close to Grell, trying to use the smaller man as a shield.

  Mire’s body was still present in its black pool of blood, and it was starting to smell. He noticed then that Mire had a lot of the same beads on his ear tentacles that Ted now recognized as Asran jewelry.

  There was a gap in the line on one side, and Ted only noticed it because an oddly bright shimmer of violet caught his eye. He didn’t want to get too close because of all the blood, but he could see that it wasn’t a full bead, but a shard where one used to be. Perhaps it had been broken during a struggle prior to Mire’s death….

  “Why is that human not in the dungeon?” a large beast with huge tusks demanded, glaring at Ted hatefully.

  “Will there be no justice for our beloved Mire?” the Vulgoran cried as it slithered toward him. “Must we drag him down there ourselves?”

  “What is it doing over there now? Gloating over its kill?” the tusked monster shouted. “King Grell, we demand justice!”

  Other voices joined the tusked monster and the Vulgoran, and the court was quickly becoming an angry mob. Ted had been in enough emotionally charged situations with upset families to see this had the potential to not end well for him. It was one thing to fend off a drunk uncle or a grief-stricken spouse, but up against a pack of monsters? He didn’t like his chances.

 
Ted quickly grabbed Grell’s shoulders and steered him in between himself and the monsters starting to crowd around him. “Hey, hey now!” he protested, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt. “Innocent until proven guilty, right?”

  “It’s more of a guilty until proven innocent sort of situation,” Grell corrected.

  “For fuck’s sake, whatever!”

  “Attention, good citizens of Xenon!” Grell shouted, addressing the court. He waited for the roar of voices to die down before continuing, “If you have any thoughts or concerns about how I am handling the trial for our prisoner, please write them down and drop them off in the royal suggestion box. I will not read them, but you’re welcome to do so.”

  “Why is he not in chains, Your Highness?” the Vulgoran sneered.

  “Not quite sure if he’s into that, but I’ll find out and let you know.”

  Ted had to fight the urge to kick Grell.

  “Now,” Grell bellowed, his voice taking on a more serious tone, “we still have fifteen hours to prepare our defense, and I will not tolerate interference of any kind. Everyone has the right to a fair trial in Xenon, and I do mean everyone. You want justice? So do I. But we need the proper time to conduct an investigation and prepare for the trial in accordance with our laws. I swear to you that if this mortal is responsible for Sergan Mire’s death, I will drag him down to the dungeon myself.”

  The crowd murmured amongst themselves, assorted tentacles and claws still skittering, but Grell’s promise appeared to have appeased them for now. However unusual the king was, his court seemed to respect him. Despite the lingering tension, no one spoke out again. They all began to disperse, though several continued to stare Ted down and bare their awful teeth at him as they did.

  Ted felt a little better about his chances of survival. Not by a lot, but it was something.

  “All right, then.” Grell clapped his hands together. “Now that we have all that settled, let’s get back to it, eh?” He looked over the departing court, calling out, “Vizier Ghulk! Where are you?”

  “Here, Your Highness,” a deep voice rumbled. A large and terrifying equine creature lumbered toward them.