Impossibly Love

by Morgan, Shane

  The chair suddenly turned icy and I jumped out of it. “So, what’re you saying, I should wait it out?” My stomach churned. How could there not be a way for me to finally and freely give Moya all the love I’d been feeling in my heart the past few days?

  Dad got up from the chair and spread his arms apart as he approached me. That’s when I realized I was shaking, and tears were fighting to pour out, because I was starting to realize I’d probably never have the chance to be with Moya.

  It all came crashing down on me: my feelings and my sickness. I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to run. I ran so hard and so long that I ended up at the hockey rink near my old high school.

  My heart was beating uncontrollably as if it was about to rip out of my chest. I pressed my forehead against the cold concrete and pounded my fist on the wall, unable to hold back the tears as they burned my eyes.

  Shortly after, I found a way inside and sat on one of the seats, slouching over as I hung my head in the palm of my hands.

  Not sure how long I’d been sitting there.

  After some time passed, I heard footsteps coming toward me. I didn’t look up to see who it was—a little embarrassed because my face was probably covered in tears.

  A firm hand squeezed my shoulder and I knew who it was. Sitting up, I wiped my face as Ashton settled in the seat next to mine.

  He rubbed his eyebrow then took a long breath. “Mom and Dad are worried about you. I had an idea where you were so I told them I’d come get you.”

  I cleared my throat, like there was a frog stuck inside. “Sorry, I had to be by myself for a while.” My voice was hoarse.

  Ashton got up and stuck his hands inside the pockets of his sweatpants. “Look, Branden,” Ashton started, the loose fabric of his sweatpants not hiding the way his hands balled into tense fists, “…like Dad said, we’re all hurting, too.”

  He fell quiet for a moment, his chest heaving with barely controlled emotion before he offered me a frail, helpless smile. “You don’t have to hide from us, especially not when you feel like you’re breaking down. No matter what, we’re still a family. We’re still in this together.”

  Ashton closed his eyes in a moment of vulnerability, the corners of his lips struggling to remain in that faint smile before he found his voice again. “It’s okay, little bro.”

  I looked up to meet his gaze and I could see the tears threatening to come out. As the older brother, Ashton always wanted to be strong, but the memory of his rebellious period was still hard for us to forget, especially Mom.

  “Why were you so mad at them?” I had to ask, because he never spoke about it. None of them did. It was swept under the rug, hidden from my ears.

  Ashton furrowed his forehead. “What are you talking about?”

  I stood up and pulled myself together. “During that time, when you started going out and drinking, something triggered that behavior. What was it?”

  His face cringed as he slanted and peered at the exit. “That…that was a long time ago and I don’t think this is the right time—”

  “I wanna know,” I interrupted, trying to force it out of him. “Something happened between you and Dad. Then Mom made you more upset or…” I trailed, trying to fit the puzzle together.

  Ashton spun rapidly, clenching his jaw as he growled at me, “Alright, you wanna know what happened, Branden? I’ll tell you. I found out something I wasn’t supposed to, like our parents having separate affairs as if their marriage meant nothing. As if our family meant nothing…” His voice faded when the moment flashed back to him, staring vacantly at one of the seats as if I wasn’t there at all.

  He continued, “I don’t even know why they’re still together all this time when they obviously hate each other. It’s probably because of…” Ashton stopped once his eyes met mine. Of course, our parents were stuck together because of me. They were forcing themselves to stick it out in order to take care of their dying son.

  Ashton and I didn’t say another word to each other the drive back home. That was a good thing because I had so much on my mind. Like how I was going to face the rest of the days to come, whether or not I would take the risk and have surgery, if I would have the courage to see Moya on Friday, and why I wasn’t affected at all hearing my parents were cheating on each other.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Moya

  I literally counted the hours all day Friday. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to see Branden until he showed up outside my dorm in the afternoon. Then I rushed into his arms as if we’d been apart for decades.

  Branden’s eyes expanded at my dramatic reaction, and I wondered if he felt the same way.

  He laughed as I finally composed myself and steadied on my feet. “It’s nice seeing you,” I said softly. “I was having the worst day until now.”

  Lowering his head, Branden kissed me passionately. Then nothing seemed to matter except for that moment. We seemed enclosed within a circle, blocking everything out. I all but melted like butter with his hot lips pressed against mine.

  When Branden and I finally pulled away from each other, he gasped, then smiled wholeheartedly and brushed my cheeks. “It’s nice seeing you too, Moya.” He took my hand and led me off campus down the path to Severn River. “Why were you having the worst day?”

  I shrugged, “Failed a quiz this morning.”

  He squeezed my hand and gave me a ‘don’t beat yourself up about it’ look. I smiled in return. The way his eyes suddenly drifted from mine to the ground made him seem as if he had a lot on his mind he wasn’t telling me.

  There was something about his appearance. Branden’s body language was filled with mystery. And the way he held my hand was almost as if he was preparing to let me go.

  We got to the river, and like all the evenings before, the fireflies were there. Branden played with my fingers as we relaxed, quietly watching them. I kept my eyes on him, trying to unravel his thoughts as he peered out to the still, dark water.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  He raised his shoulders faintly. “I was thinking how you were so adamant at the start of the semester; all in your zone trying to keep guys away from you. You never even noticed me watching you.”

  “Watching me, when?” I asked.

  Branden snorted. “The first time I saw you was on that weekend before classes started. You were hanging out in the courtyard near the dorms with Vanessa. Then there was that one Tuesday when some guy brushed against you on purpose, but you hissed and walked off. And, of course, can’t forget Business Law or around the library.”

  I was surprised. “I didn’t know you’d been watching me like that. Wow, not sure if I should be flattered or frightened that I have a stalker,” I joked. The thought occurred, once again, that now was the time to tell him how much I cared about him. How much he had changed my heart.

  “Branden, I think, I mean I know…” I exhaled then went for it, “I like you. I really like you.”

  There I was, chirping like a twelve year old who just confessed to her secret crush. But Branden wasn’t replying the way I’d hoped.

  His face went serious, dropping to the ground. “It was a good thing you were so defensive before. You probably should have stayed that way with me.”

  Branden let go of my hand and eased away a bit. I stepped closer and refilled the distance, touching his arm as I asked, “What do you mean by that?”

  He slanted his body, not looking me in the eye, as if he could no longer face me. “I’m sorry, Moya. I can’t…I can’t return those feelings.”

  My heart started to panic, my head spun. “What?” I asked nervously. “I just told you I think I like you, Branden. Do you know how scary that is for me?”

  “I’m sorry.” His voice sounded shaky. “I can’t be with you. I can’t give you whatever it is you’re looking for. I…” He paused when his eyes finally met mine, realizing I was sobbing over his words.

  He continued spilling them once more as if it was important to him to push
me away. “I can’t give you the love you deserve. I can’t guarantee a thing, Moya.”

  Branden pried my fingers away from his arm and walked away from me. I had no idea I was gripping him so tightly.

  I hurried after him and pulled on his elbow, bringing Branden to a stop. His eyes widened as I stood before him, probably thinking I was going to beg him to retract his words.

  I wouldn’t do that. I’d never beg someone—a man—to love me.

  For the first time in my life I wanted to give that thing called love a try, with Branden. My feelings for him had been coming on so strong that I thought I was falling for him. But nothing could take away the pain I was feeling in my heart at that moment.

  I lifted my hand and slapped him across the face. I trembled afterwards, glaring at the red fingerprints left behind on his cheek. It must have stung as much as my hand did.

  Branden said nothing, though. He kept his face in the direction I slapped him in, breathing heavily. The veins in his neck looked as if they were about to pop.

  I wiped away my tears harshly and mouthed, “Bastard,” taking off right after.

  Branden better not chase after me again because I wasn’t going to fall easily under his spell for a second time. It was over. I was going back to focusing on nothing but school. I was returning to being Moya Douglas: the girl proven right after years of believing that love truly was just a silly emotion, one that would only leave you feeling sad. And that was exactly how Branden McCarthy made me feel.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Branden

  I stormed into Doctor Henderson’s office while he was meeting with another patient. “Let’s do it!” I declared. Their eyes shot up at me in surprise.

  The woman reached over shakily and took her purse from the empty seat next to her, getting up afterwards.

  Doctor Henderson apologized to her, “I’m so sorry, Faye, please—”

  “That’s alright,” She affirmed. “Our meeting is over. I know what I have to do.” Faye gave me a somber look before walking out of the office.

  Exhaling, I moved over to one of the leather seats in front of his dark wooden table and sat down. “Sorry about that.”

  Doctor Henderson frowned, and then sank back in his chair. “It’s alright. She was about to leave, anyway. It’s too bad I couldn’t do much for her.” He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

  “Are you alright, doc?” I asked.

  “It’s been a long day.” He eased forward and folded his wrists on top of the table, as if transporting back to reality. “Now, what was it that made you barged in like that?”

  “Oh, right…” I lowered my eyes and took a deep breath. “Let’s go through with the second surgery. I’ll do it.”

  His eyes widened. “I see. I’ll have to discuss this with your parents as well—”

  “I’m nineteen. It’s my decision,” I reminded him.

  Doctor Henderson got up from his chair and began pacing the room. “I know, but it’s something I’d like to discuss with your entire family. After all, Branden, it is risky. Your father told me he was going to tell you about the dangers of the second surgery, even though your Mother is in denial about it.”

  I slouched back in the brown, leather seat, pondering on his words. Doctor Henderson walked over to the window and glanced down at the street below. “If you don’t mind me asking, why did you make this decision so abruptly?”

  I closed my eyes for a moment and envisioned her face. I had decided impulsively to end things with Moya because I’d given up on myself. I didn’t realize how deeply she cared for me until yesterday when she’d told me she liked me. Not love, but it was enough. Damn, I’d been so stupid. How could I’ve believed I would be able to walk away from her? “Because I love her so much, and I want to be with her.”

  Doctor Henderson’s brows shot up. “For a girl, Branden? That’s hardly logical. This is a decision that must be made in good mental state and obviously you’re not in the right one if you’re willing to risk your life over a girl.”

  I sprang from the seat and pounded my hand on top of the desk. “She’s not just some girl. I told you, I love her. She means the world to me and I want to do this surgery for a chance at a life with her. I know there’s a possibility I won’t make it. But at least, for Moya, I want to try.”

  The moment I said her name, the past weeks I’d come in contact with her flashed through my mind. That fiery glare in her eyes when she stood her ground at not letting me in, to the yearning way in which she held on to me when we kissed for the first time. I had to take the risk. I had to be with Moya.

  Doctor Henderson breathed and interrupted my thoughts. I almost forgot I was in his office. He moved from the window and went back to his chair. “Have you told her about your condition then?”

  I shook my head.

  “I think you should. If you love her this much then you owe it to yourself and her. Not trying to sound pessimistic, especially since I’m a doctor. Still, just in case, Branden, tell her.”

  What Doctor Henderson said made a lot of sense. I should have told Moya everything the moment I realized she felt the same way about me. But I was too afraid. And what if the surgery failed? How could I put her through so much pain?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Moya

  I’d cried myself to sleep when I got home from Harrington. When I woke up in the morning, my eyes were swollen, and my face was a mess when I glanced at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

  I tried really hard not to waste my thoughts on Branden and keep myself busy. But I had no idea it’d be that hard. How could I have allowed myself to fall so deeply for someone in such a short time? I had to snap back to my old self fast.

  After taking a shower and getting dressed to go to the interview at the Jewelry store, I met Momma in the kitchen making breakfast. She watched me with great concern as I sat at the table. “You wanna tell me about it, baby? I heard you crying last night.”

  I exhaled. “It’s nothing. I…didn’t do as well on a quiz as I’d hoped.”

  She placed a plate of toast and scrambled eggs before me, taking a seat at the table as well. “Moya Jeanine Douglas. I brought you into this world, clothed you, fed you, and raised you for nineteen years. You think I don’t know when something’s wrong and when my baby girl is lying to me?”

  Momma lowered her head and lifted an eyebrow. “Talk to me.”

  I took up the fork and played with my breakfast. “There’s this guy….a guy I thought was different. I thought…” I wasn’t even sure anymore what I thought about Branden, maybe that he felt the same way about me.

  When I looked up from the plate, Momma’s eyes were widened with surprise, a broad grin plastered on her mouth. “So that’s what this is about. You’ve found yourself a boy and have fallen in love. Well, thank you Lord, Moya Douglas has finally unlocked that precious heart of hers.”

  I snapped. “Momma, I’m not in love. That’s not the point, either. He pushed me away. I thought we had something, but it was a lie. He ended it before it even began! And now I feel so...” I searched for the word.

  “Hurt,” Momma finished for me. She rested her hand on top of mine. “Oh, baby girl, I’m sorry it turned out that way.” She started to pat my head. “Well, what happened exactly? Tell me about it.”

  “Never mind,” I sprang from the chair. “I gotta get to my interview. Don’t want to be late.” I was hurrying to get out of the house because if I started talking about Branden, I’d risk crying all over him again.

  “Oh, that’s right. Who’d you get an interview with, baby? You never told me exactly.” She asked.

  I took my plate from the table and brought it over to the sink. “A jewelry store around here called My Love’s Finest. Is that where you got my necklace, Momma?”

  She didn’t answer. There was a long pause so I turned to see what was wrong. Her face was frozen. Momma’s eyes seemed vacant and her lips trembled as she fought for words to speak.
r />   I walked over and rubbed her shoulder. “Momma, are you alright?”

  She got up from the table abruptly and clenched my arms as she exclaimed, “You can’t go there!”

  “What?” I laughed in my confusion, the sound short and nervous. “I’ve been trying to find a job and finally when I get an opportunity, you don’t want me to go?” I sighed. “Momma, if this is about school, I won’t let it interfere—”

  “It’s not that,” she breathed. “Listen to me, there’s something you should know…something I’ve kept from you.” Her voice started to sound shaky. She was really making me worry with the frightened look in her eyes.

  Momma blurted out all at once, “That necklace, it was a gift from…he really wanted you to have it and I felt guilty for being so spiteful to him all those years …I wanted to make it right…”

  I didn’t understand a word she was saying.

  I gently took her hand and led her back to one of the chairs at the oval table. “Momma, relax.” I sat down beside her. “Now, what are you trying to tell me?”

  She brushed my cheek lovingly. “I shouldn’t have pushed him away.” Tears ran down her cheeks. “I stopped him from seeing you all those years. It was my fault. Your Daddy, he made that necklace for you. I knew you wouldn’t accept it if I told you it was from him so I lied and said I got it. It was all my doing, making you hate him so much.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears. “My necklace is really from my father?” The man that abandoned me; the man I’d been angry with for so long and sworn never to forgive, yet here I was wearing his necklace for two years without knowing it.

  “What? How?” I whimpered.

  “He bought you presents, he even stopped by the house sometimes but I chased him away. I was so mad at him for leaving me that I punished him by keeping you two apart all that time.” She buried her face in her hands and cried. “I’m so sorry, baby.”