Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  "Please remember your promise, lehti. I mean it when I say that I would not hurt Niya."

  She sighs and sits back, allowing me to relax. "As you wish."

  We sit quietly, simply staring at one another.

  "I cannot believe we are together again," she ways after a while. She reaches for my hand, and the moment her fingers touch mine, it is like coming alive from death.

  My heart beats so hard that it hurts, and we lean forward, using each other for support as the connection of the leht reignites.

  "Lehti," I murmur, pressing closer and burying my face into her neck. She smells the same. She is light and sweet and my body's memory awakens with the scent.

  "This is how it should be," she says.

  I sigh, caught in the glory of the leht. It is a feeling like no other, and it is a feeling that has the power to remove all of my common sense if not erase my hurt. I nuzzle closer when I should move away.

  "It is, but you did not want that.”

  She breathes against my neck. It is a weighty sigh that sets my skin on edge. “What if I want it now, Addie?”

  I pull away, searching the deep brown of her eyes for the truth of her words. They flicker with vulnerability and a despair that pulls at my heart. I want that I could give her what she asks for. I want that it was still possible, but I do not know that it is.

  “There is Niya, and there will always be Niya.” I return, reaching up to sink my fingers into her hair. I cannot not be close to her, even as I feel this closeness betrays my commitment to Niya.

  Ze’lah turns into my hand, basking in the connection of the leht. She reaches up and pulls my hand down to her lips to press a kiss to my palm.

  “I love you, Addie. I have always loved you. Let me love you again.”

  CHAPTER 6

  NIYA

  “Something happen?”

  Ah'dan starts like he's not expecting me to be in the cabin and his look of elation drops as he halts just inside the door. When his eyes land on me, his cheeks start to pulse pink.

  "What's wrong?"

  He blinks, and clears his throat, moving further into the room, but not coming to me. He always comes to me, but the way he moves around the perimeter of the room now is strange.

  "Where were you?"

  He still hasn't answered my first two questions, and when a moment of silence passes, it seems like he isn't going to answer the third one, either.

  "I was outside of the cabin," he replies finally, and I pull a short smile.

  "Did you just answer my question of where you went by telling me you left the cabin? I know, you weren't here. I meant, where did you go when you left the cabin?"

  His cheeks flash more, and he starts to look like a bomb about to go off. He's standing on the other side of the room and still avoiding looking at me. My suspicion is piqued, and I narrow my eyes at him.

  "Were you with your lehti?"

  He looks up at me then, and his gaze is pained.

  "I am sorry."

  He sounds so sincerely regretful that a nervous tension coils through my belly.

  "Did you sleep with her?"

  His expression quickly shifts to horror. "No! Saeh'ti, I would never." He rushes from where he's been hiding across the room and takes my hands. "I merely met with her and—embraced her—but it was not done sexually."

  "Was it done romantically?"

  He looks uncomfortable again. "I cannot say. The leht is romantic in nature, so to say that any interaction I have with her is without romance would be a lie. It does not change, however, my commitment to you."

  He kisses my hand, and I want to believe him, but I remember how he looked when he walked in. It makes me wonder if maybe he's not being completely honest with himself. Still, I nod.

  "Okay."

  "I love you, Niya."

  I nod again. "I know."

  "This is not an ideal situation for any involved, but I am trying my best to determine what to do."

  A seed of doubt unfurls in my belly at his words, and I remove my hand from his. "I thought you knew what you wanted to do."

  “I do, saeh’ti. I do.” He doesn’t sound so sure anymore, and that doubt sprouts into a little bud.

  “So what is there to decide?”

  He hesitates, and his cheeks pulse again.

  “Do you want her?”

  He sighs, his expression turning pained. “I do not know.”

  ***

  "Why is she still here?"

  Shay doesn't even attempt to lower her voice as she glares at Ah'dan when we take our seats at the table for dinner. Across the room, Ze'lah is sitting with E'lii and Q'rai. Her tinkling laughter floats over to us, and I see Ah'dan's eyes stray her way.

  Sheh. Sol's warning rings through our heads, and she cuts her eyes at him.

  "It's a question. I think it's a fair one."

  "I do not think this is an appropriate time to discuss—"

  "Actually, I want to know, too," Tee jumps in, cutting Bati off. He relents and turns a sympathetic glance on his brother. Beside me, Ah'dan shifts in his seat.

  "You are asking me why my lehti is allowed to join in a family gathering? It is our way. I would not dismiss her simply because we are no longer together."

  I stare at my plate, silently wishing for Shay to drop it, but of course she doesn't.

  "Look, I get it. She's your lehti, but she left you, so it seems like it might be a little awkward for some of us if she's just hanging around." Shay gives me a pointed look before focusing back on Ah'dan.

  "Niya and I have discussed what needed to be discussed concerning Ze'lah's presence."

  "Mm hm, and you and I discussed the best way to deal with this," she returns with emphasis.

  Ah'dan's jaw tightens, and I am a little surprised to see annoyance from him. His arm shakes where it touches mine. I look over to see that every part of him is vibrating.

  Sheh, you are not queen here. It is not in your right to tell any of these beings how to deal with their lives. Sol turns to Shay.

  Ah'dan, however, is shaking so hard that he begins to emit a low hum, but his gaze is even as he looks at Shay across the table. "Listen to your Somii, LaShay, and, as you once suggested to him, mind your business."

  The room goes quiet. It’s so sudden and so deafening that it's like time stops. Amina gasps and covers her mouth. Across from us, Sol tenses, shifting like he's going to rise from his seat, and his cousin holds out an arm to stop him. I turn in my seat, throwing my hands out to block both dudes.

  "Stop, okay. Shay stop stirring up shit. Ah'dan, calm down. You love them, don't do this. You don't have to like that she's mad, but you didn't have to talk to her like that. Sol, please. No one wants to fight."

  Sol looks at me and frowns.

  I do not fight, but I will kick his ass, he returns calmly, and I slap a hand to my forehead.

  "Oh my god, look, if I can speak for myself," I turn on Shay, "I'm fine. I trust Ah'dan, and while this may be a little awkward, what's more awkward is us disrupting their family dinner." I shift my eyes around the room to the three dozen Lyqa watching us. Shay loses some of her bluster and finally ends her standoff with Ah'dan to look into her lap. Satisfied she's going to drop it now, I turn to Ah'dan and rub a hand over his arm until he looks down at me.

  "You’re shaking."

  "I cannot help it. I am sorry."

  I keep rubbing until the vibration settles. When he seems to have calmed, Ah'dan abruptly stands from his seat and walks away. I watch him, thinking he's going to leave the dining hall, but he doesn't. When he gets to the end of the table, he circles it and goes around until he stands behind LaShay, who ignores him.

  "I will stand here all evening until you look at me, little sister."

  Shay's mouth twists to the side, but eventually she groans and spins to the side.

  "What—"

  "M’ah qitah, LaShay. I should not have spoken to you in that way, and I should not have expressed hostility toward you."
He lifts her clear from the seat and holds her against him, pressing kisses across her cheeks and neck. When he drops a kiss to her shoulder she squeals and shrugs away.

  "Okay, you jerk. I forgive you. I'm sorry, too. You know I'm nosy, but you're right. This isn't my business." She hugs him around the neck, and he sets her back down.

  "Are we good?" Ah'dan holds a hand out to Sol, who after a nudge from LaShay rolls his eyes and takes Ah'dan's hand.

  We are good.

  I sigh, and just like that, conversation picks up again like it never stopped. When I looked confused, Tiani leans over.

  "They're big on apologies, here. If you start some shit, you make up for it, and that's that. It's kind of cool. Stops shit from lingering."

  After this, the evening proceeds as usual. We eat and laugh. I listen to Amina, Tiani, and LaShay tell stories about their kids. All the mothers roll their eyes at their kids' various antics, while the fathers only speak adoringly of everything their children do.

  "She is a terror! I mean, she's a sweetie pie and a genius, don't get me wrong, but that kid is a bossy mess."

  I nearly spit my drink across the table at the look Sol turns on Shay.

  "Our daughter is bossy, and you have no idea how she came to be this way?"

  It’s only the second time I’ve heard his spoken voice, and the depth and sexiness are nice. Really nice. It's bassy and even, but holds command.

  "It’s because he's a king," Shay says with a proud smile, but then she swats at his arm. "Babe, stop peeking."

  "This was a great meal, and I think it would be fun this night to dance!"

  I look up in surprise when Quth stands a little unsteadily at the front of the gathering. I clock him wobbling to the side a bit and frown.

  "Is he drunk?"

  As soon as I say it, I realize that I also feel a little tipsy. They've been serving us that drink made of kisi and I haven't kept track of how much I've had.

  "My father and uncle have been playing a drinking game. They are both quite tipsy, as you would say," Kwarq provides.

  "Oooh!" Shay jumps up, suddenly, struggling to climb over the bench. Sol sighs and lifts her, settling her on her feet. She turns to Quth and puts her hands together in a pleading motion. "Can I pick the music, please? I want to share my culture with you!"

  She throws her hands up, and I give Tee a look. She's clearly feeling the drink, too.

  "Of course, dahnai." Quth returns with a gracious smile, and Shay squints down at her comm and starts to tap away. A second later, "Candy" starts to pulse through the speaker floating above our heads.

  "Electric slide!!!!" Shay screams before running to the large open area at the back of the room. Tee squeals and hops from her seat, pulling Bati with her.

  "Oh, shit, we have to. Come on."

  Amina is next. She jogs her way to the dance floor with Kwarq following. Ebony jumps up, too, chugging back her drink before heading off with Kyr. I turn to Ah'dan, only to find that he's not looking at me. His eyes are locked across the room.

  "Hey."

  I snap him out of his daze, and he looks back in confusion. I hitch a shoulder toward the dance floor.

  "Want to?"

  "Of course, saeh'ti." He stands and helps me up by the arm before following me to the dance floor.

  Several Lyqa have joined Shay and the others, and they take to the steps with ease. I step in line next to Tee and take the next four steps back before dipping forward and back. Ah'dan follows beside me, matching my steps and moving way more smoothly than I expect him to. In fact, all these dudes got rhythm. I grin widely, and when I look to Tee for commiseration, she's already grinning back.

  "Surprising right?" she yells over the music. "They're basically the Black people of the Universe. You know, besides Black people."

  I laugh, throwing my head back, while keeping time. Most of the gathering has joined in now. Even Ah'dan's parents are dancing down the line.

  The song comes to an end, and we stop, clapping and cheering.

  "That was fun!" Bati says before lifting Tiani and twirling her around. She hugs him around the neck and laughs. He sets her down, and his blue eyes twinkle with excitement. "We have something similar to this."

  He tinkers with his comm and a moment later, a slower, jazzy song sounds out, and all the Lyqa get excited.

  "Come, let me show you." Ah'dan takes me by the hips and pulls me to face him. Around us, everyone begins to pair off, and I wait, trying to catch the beat. "Follow my movements."

  Ah'dan suddenly slides to the side, and I follow a half-step later. He shuffles back a few steps, pulling me forward, then slides back before stepping forward, urging me back. I fumble along for a few moments before I catch on, and when I do, I smile.

  "It's kind of like steppin'!"

  He smiles, moving casually through the steps. I'm following with ease now, but on the next slide, he spins me, turning me around so that I'm caught by Bati.

  "Hello, sa'aih. Keep up." I shuffle back, falling into the movements. He opens up, pushing me out and then bringing me back before twirling me again so that I land in Kyr's arms.

  "Hello." Is all he says. His mouth is curved up at one corner, and he moves with nonchalant expertise.

  "You’re a good dancer," I say in an attempt to make conversation.

  "As are you," he replies simply, and I shut up. These Somii dudes aren't great talkers.

  Suddenly, he looks down at me, and his bronze eyes are full of compassion. "You should know that his mind is very clear on what he wants. It is his heart that is in conflict, and this is not something he can help."

  "What?"

  He twirls me away, passing me off to Sol, whose big body crowds over me. He also moves like it's second nature. I dance with him for a while until the song lowers to an end.

  "Wow," I step back, out of breath, and clap my hands when everyone else does. Another song starts up, and I know right away Amina picked it. It's an Earth song, R&B, the kind of song you slow dance to, and I immediately spin in a circle, searching for my partner. People are coupling up, and their tall bodies block my view, so I start to maneuver through them until I get back to where I started. When I finally break through the crowd, I look around, freezing when I turn to my right.

  He looks happy. I've always thought there was a lingering sadness to Ah'dan. I catch it in those moments at night when he wakes up grasping at his chest and when he tells me he loves me the most, and I know he wants it to be true. But it's not.

  A few feet away, he dances with Ze'lah. His hands are curved over her ass, hers are locked behind his neck, and their foreheads are pressed together. Her mouth moves, and Ah'dan nods before pulling her close. When they separate from the hug, he looks so content that I have to turn away.

  "Ni." Tee puts an arm around my shoulder, and I blink against the blurry room, not realizing my eyes have glossed over. Just then, Ah'dan looks over, and I shift away, easing out of Tiani's hold and heading toward the path back to the cabins. When I'm nearly to the clearing, I hear Ah'dan call out behind me.

  "Niya."

  I slow, inhaling to clear my vision.

  "Niya."

  Ah'dan steps in line beside me and pulls me to a stop by the arm. I keep my eyes on the ground until I'm completely together and lift my head to look at him. He looks sad, and it guts me. I know this isn’t what he wants, but I also know we cant keep ignoring the obvious.

  "I am sorry, saeh'ti. I do not want you to misinterpret what you saw."

  "I'm not," I say meeting his gaze. "I don't think there is any room for misinterpretation. You love her."

  It pains me to voice it, but I do. As much as I want this, lying doesn't serve anyone.

  Ah'dan shakes his head and keeps shaking, but he doesn't deny it.

  "I still want you. I do. It's just," he begins, but I take his hand, stopping him. He looks tormented, and I can't stand it. It doesn't have to be like this.

  "You don't know if you don't want her. I get it, Ah
'dan, it's okay. You tried, you did. I believe that. I don't know what the leht feels like, and I never will, but I know what true happiness looks like, and that's what I just saw."

  "It is not how I would have things be,” he replies. “However, I cannot stop myself from reacting to her, and I do not know that I ever will be able to. I thought I could, but it is difficult."

  I shrug. “We can't force what just isn't meant to be. You said it yourself. Your heart is attached to hers because something in you calls to something in her. You all may think that means you don't have to be together, but like she said, when it comes down to it, you can't fight fate."

  "No," he says with sad defiance. "Something in you calls to me, Niya. Before I met you, I could not conceive of being with another. I love you, Niya. Please do not doubt this."

  "I don't," I say with as much of a smile as I can muster, “but I also don’t want to feel like I just felt again, and you can’t promise that I won’t.”

  He looks helpless, and I don't know what else to say, so we stand around, each searching it seems for what to do next.

  "Should I go?" I ask finally to break the silence.

  "Please don't. Please stay. M’ah qitah, Niya, please stay." He pulls me against him and brushes his cheek along mine before pressing a kiss to my neck. "I do not want to lose you."

  I ease away, forcing him to put me down, and he looks panicked. I focus somewhere else, anything not to see the pained expression on his face. Everything was going so well, and I don't want to think that this is the end of us, but I have to be honest. It doesn't matter how I feel or how he feels. He will always belong to someone else.

  "I don't want to make this harder for you by staying. I think maybe you and Ze'lah need to work this out. She clearly still loves you, too."

  "It is not how I would have this,” he says fiercely, and I smile.

  "I believe that, but I can't lay next to you every night knowing that you're probably wishing you were with her or thinking about her. I can take you loving me less if you're with me. I can't do it if you're always with her. You know?"