Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  He nods. "I understand, but please do not leave. I will move to my own cabin. I will give you space, but allow me to figure this out."

  I want to. I weigh my options. It's such a tricky situation with too many factors to dismiss without thought. I think about what matters most, and I still feel like it's that Ah'dan loves me, which I believe he does. Maybe I can give him a little time to decide if it's enough.

  "I need to think about it. Can I sleep on it? Tell you in the morning?"

  He looks like he wants to say something, but he presses his mouth tight and nods. "Of course, my saeh'ti."

  I wince. The endearment, which seemed so sweet before, now seems to have taken on a new context. "I know I was okay with it before, but can you not call me that? It just seems—weird—now.”

  His droopy eyes droop a bit more before he nods. "I will talk to you in the morning, then, Niya."

  He turns and walks away, going back toward the dining hall and I assume to Ze'lah. I turn away, too, and go to the cabin that I guess belongs to just me now.

  ***

  "Hey, sweetie. I knocked, but I didn't hear anything. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

  "Oh, hi."

  I sit up from where I'm wallowing on the couch when Leslie walks in. She comes straight over and sits beside my legs then simply stares at me.

  "You trying to figure out if you should leave?"

  I don't cry. I hardly ever cry, but I do now. I feel my face crumple before I can stop it, and I cover it with my hands and lower my head. I hate crying. It's so pointless.

  Leslie tuts and scoots closer to wrap her arms around me. I lean into her shoulder, wishing my own mother was here, but taking comfort in her presence. I'm shocked by how emotional I am. Maybe it's not just this. Maybe it's years of swallowed sadness coming up now that I have the chance. The room is quiet except for my deep sobs and Leslie's soothing shushes.

  "It’s alright, baby. You just get it out. Get it all out."

  Soon, my chest gets sore, and I quiet, taking a deep breath and blowing it out. My cheeks are wet, my nose is running, and my eyes feel tight. I sniffle and rest my face against Leslie's shoulder, letting my anguish settle as Leslie rubs over my back.

  "I felt special," I admit and immediately feel stupid for saying it.

  "You are special."

  I snort a soggy laugh, "Not really."

  "Yes, really," she counters. "I've been around these people for a year, Ni, and I don't think I've ever worried less about my daughters than since they've been with their Lyqa. These fellas love hard, real hard. The kind of hard that lets me sleep soundly at night because I know they would do anything for my daughters—the Somii's, too. But these Lyqa, hm, there is nothing, and I mean nothing coming between them and their lehti."

  "I see," I return, wondering if this knowledge is supposed to make me feel better. I feel her shake her head.

  "You don't understand what I'm trying to tell you. There is nothing. The fact that that boy even looked at you twice says that there's something there. It might be different for the females, but not for the men. They have tunnel vision when it comes to their lehti, but not with you. Ah'dan sees you. You may have caught the one or two times he looked that other one's way, but for the rest of the night, his eyes were on you. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you?"

  I don't say anything for a while, but eventually nod. "He loves me."

  "He loves you. This Lyqa, who is literally wired to only love another, loves you. That is worth being a little patient for, maybe?"

  I lift from her shoulder and look down, sniffling and wiping at my face. "Yeah."

  "Yeah, mm hm. Now, it's awkward as hell, and it's definitely not the human way, but you can't hide in here for the rest of the trip. You have friends here, and all of these Lyqa are looking at you with love. That you can count on, so get on up, take a bath—the water will make you feel better—and come on out. They’re going to do that scavenger hunt thing, and I want to see you there. Okay?"

  I chew my lip, trying to decide if I want to be a coward or not, but I already know I'm not that person.

  "I need some time to get these eyes together."

  Leslie chuckles and rises from the couch, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. "Okay, take your time, but if you take too long, I'm coming back and I'm bringing Shay."

  I groan, and Leslie chuckles outright before leaving me in the cabin.

  I sit with myself for another moment and then blow out a rejuvenating breath. Throwing off the light sheet that covers my lower body, I stand and head for the bath.

  An hour later, I step out on to the porch and I’m only a little surprised to see Ah'dan pacing at the base of the steps. The moment my eyes land on him, my heart skips a beat. He's so beautiful, and in just one night, I missed him so much. He stops and looks up at me, and my heart twists when I see the look on his face.

  "Niya?" His says my name as a plea, and I step forward, taking the first step then stopping.

  "Hey."

  He lifts a foot to the bottom step and hesitates. "Are you well?"

  He searches my face, and I'm glad that the bathing pool waters took care of the swelling around my eyes. It really is amazing. You can barely tell anything was amiss, at least physically. I imagine, though, that he can smell me just fine.

  "I'm fine. I know I probably smell a mess, but I'm fine."

  "You do not smell a mess. Nothing about you is a mess."

  I smile sadly. "I thought about it, and I’m going to stay, but I think it should just be as a guest from now on. I think," I clear my throat. "I think you should see if maybe things can work out with you and Ze'lah. From what I can see, the leht is a beautiful thing. You deserve that kind of love.”

  I know I told Leslie that I would give it a chance, but I can't be here and have hope that he'll choose me if I know he can't. He may want to, but he can't fight biology. He can't fight nature.

  Ah'dan's expression falls, but he dips his head in acknowledgement.

  "It should not be this way," he says sadly, and my heart aches.

  "Maybe, but it's the way it is."

  His expression hardens, but he nods. "I will respect your wishes, of course, and I am glad that you will stay. Excuse me."

  He walks away and heads toward the nearby forest where he steps into the tree line and disappears.

  I hear him moving roughly through the trees, and I wish I could go after him. I wish I could say that I knew everything would be okay.

  ***

  "We about ready to go?"

  I stop to the side of the group, and everyone turns like they weren't expecting to see me. I make eye contact with those gathered, avoiding Ah'dan when I get to him. Still, I can feel his eyes on me. They travel hotly down my body, making me rethink my outfit.

  Like Tee and Amina, I'm dressed again for activity in a pair if tight sports leggings and sports bra. It's too hot for a shirt, so my arms and stomach are bare. Subconsciously, I fold my arms around my waist.

  "Are we waiting for Shay?"

  Tee's face tenses. "She's not feeling goo—"

  "She is upset with me and has vowed never to speak to me again," Ah'dan cuts off Tee's lie. "I cannot fault her for this."

  I groan and cover my face finally facing Ah’dan. "I don't want your family upset with each other because of me."

  "I love my wife," Sol interjects, "and in most instances, she can do no wrong in my eyes, but in this case, she is fortunately mistaken. At this moment, and nearly every moment since you have been here, this Lyqa's mind has been filled with you. He thinks of your smile, your laugh, he recalls the sounds you make when he joins with you. You are always there."

  I stare at Sol after his declaration, my face warming. He says this plainly, like there's no room for argument, like it's just how it is.

  "I apologize for peeking, but it can be trying to have those I care about plagued with so much misunderstanding when I know their true thoughts." He directs this at Ah'dan, an
d when I turn, expecting to see him pulsing some shade of pink, he isn’t. He's looking at me, and his eyes shine with every bit of intensity as they did when I first met him.

  "Thank you, sa'qi," he returns without breaking eye contact and Sol nods.

  It stays quiet until it gets weird, so I finally look away to the others.

  "So, are we going to get this whole scavenger hunt thing going?"

  "Can we also join?"

  E'lii walks up with his brother, and I'm mid-way through a smile when I see that they aren't alone. Right behind them is Ze'lah.

  I hear Amina let out a frustrated whimper as they join us. Ze'lah steps right up beside me, and I stare blankly ahead as her flowery scent floats around the space.

  "Have we decided how to group, yet?" Her voice is animated and annoying. I continue to stare forward.

  "Uh, I think we should just all do our own thing. You know, every being for themselves," Amina chimes in, but this only earns her a look from Kwarq.

  "Lehti, you are not traversing these woods on your own. This is not a question." He looks back ahead, ignoring the stank face Amina gives him.

  "Then I think this is best. Those who are leht should go with their lehti, and those who are not should pair amongst themselves. Yes? Yes." Ze'lah does not wait for everyone to agree but rushes over to Ah'dan and loops her arm with his. He stiffens briefly, but lets her attach herself to him. At the same time, he looks away and avoids my gaze.

  "I don't want to do it that way," Tee speaks up, but Bati gives her a look of reluctant disagreement.

  "I think it would be best if I stayed with you, my heart. I understand why you would prefer not to, but I would not feel comfortable without you by my side."

  Tee sighs but doesn't argue. She sends me a look of apology, and I shake my head.

  "I, uh, I'm just going to go back." I hitch a thumb over my shoulder, but a hand at my waist stops me. E'lii is next to me. His hold is gentle but firm.

  "If you leave, who will serve as my partner?"

  “You can partner with someone else,” I reply quickly and try to move again, but he stops me.

  “How will that happen when it will be uneven once you leave?”

  A quick count tells me that if I go, the group will, in fact, be uneven. I groan internally and face the group again.

  "Fine. So how do we do this?"

  "It is simple, Niya. We have a list of items to find. The group that finds them all first wins." E'lii's deep voice slides over me as he bends down to tell me this. Across from me, I see Ah'dan shift.

  "Addie?"

  When I look up, Ze'lah is looking in concern at Ah'dan who's glaring at his cousin. He looks like he's shaking.

  "Addie?" Ze'lah gives his arm a tug, and he blinks before turning forward, but his nostrils flare, and he looks like he’s clenching his jaw so hard it’s going to crack.

  "Let us go," he says abruptly and turns away, taking Ze'lah by the arm and marching toward the forest. A second after they break the trees, E'lii urges me toward the woods with the same hand at my waist.

  "Come, sa'qi, I do not enjoy losing."

  We enter the forest, and I can just see Ah'dan and Ze'lah ahead. They're no longer holding hands, and Ah'dan moves ahead of her, roughly pushing branches out of the way.

  "Do you know how rare anger is among Lyqa, Niya?"

  "Huh?"

  I turn to find E'lii watching me with an amused expression.

  "Anger, Niya. I am trying to explain something to you. Please, pay attention." He smirks, and lifts a low hanging branch out of my way. "There are only two circumstances that allow for true anger among my kind. One instance is if our mothers are threatened. We have something called lehti'an with them, it is very similar to if not stronger than the leht. The other instance is if the person who holds our heart is threatened."

  I hear what he's saying, but I'm not convinced that Ah'dan's little bit of annoyance a moment earlier counts as true anger.

  "I don't hold his heart," I reply with as little bitterness as I can.

  "Indeed, but whatever your attachment, it is stronger than any I have seen for a leht Lyqa male."

  He's saying all the things Leslie said, and as much as I want to believe it, Ah'dan wasn’t really fighting to partner with me for this scavenger hunt.

  "You are very beautiful."

  I look up from where I'm day dreaming on the forest floor to find E'lii looking intently at me.

  "Thanks." I murmur and side step.

  "I find Earth women to be very interesting. My cousins are fortunate to have found their partners. It makes me wonder..."

  He trails off as he comes to a slow stop. I halt, too, waiting to see what he's going to say. Instead, he smirks down at me.

  "Do not move."

  "What?"

  He starts to lean toward me, and I freeze, unsure of what he's about to do. It almost feels like he's going to kiss me.

  "One more moment," he murmurs as he gets closer and closer to my face. I pull my head back as my mind searches for an escape plan.

  "E'lii."

  The single word reaches me as a nearly imperceptible sound to my right. I jump back to find Ah'dan standing across from us with his eyes locked on his cousin. His chest heaves. It moves up and down like he's run a mile, and his hands are gripped so tight at his sides that I think I hear his knuckles pop.

  Beside me, E'lii who has taken a step back, rambles off a bit of Lyqa then starts forward. I tense, thinking he's going to confront Ah'dan, but he merely passes and continues through the forest. Relaxing, I blow out the breath I'm holding and stare across the space at Ah'dan who watches me with a hardened stare.

  The moment is taut with nervous energy, so when he starts toward me, his stride determined, I don't move, and I don't breathe, but that doesn't matter because he steals every ounce of air in my lungs when he pulls me up against him and slams his mouth to mine.

  I rear back from the force, my hands going to the hard rounds of his shoulders. His skin is hot and vibrates beneath my touch. When he turns his head and slides his tongue over the seam of my lips, I open.

  "Mm," the growl is low in his throat as he strokes through my mouth, caressing all of my sensitive places and tangling urgently with my tongue. This kiss is filled with passion, and even though it's only been a day since we've been apart, it feels like I haven’t felt him forever. He pulls away, and I gasp, sucking in much needed air. The kiss has robbed me of my senses, but it hasn’t robbed Ah'dan of his because he lowers his face to my neck and inhales.

  "I have missed your scent when it is like this, Niya—hungry and aching to be filled with me. I want you. Can I have you?"

  I nod frantically as his deep voice rolls over me, setting my skin on edge. I miss him. I feel empty without him.

  "Fuck me." I sound desperate because I am, but he stops, pulling away to frown at me.

  "Do not call it that. However I have you, however we come together, I only make love to you." He walks me back until I get to a large tree where he spins me around to face it. "Place your hands there and do not move," he issues right at my ear, and I nod. He takes hold of the waist band of my legging and peels them down, exposing my skin to the humidity of the forest. It’s blazing hot, but I shiver, arching my back and pushing my ass back.

  Ah'dan hisses out his Lyqa swear, and I feel him yanking at his own pants before he's there, at my opening, pressing into my pussy in a swift, aching thrust.

  "Ah!" My cry is pure pleasure as every space of emptiness I was feeling is filled with the thick length of him. He presses high, lifting me onto my toes as he starts a brutal pace.

  "I missed you," he whispers as he wraps his arms around my chest, He flips my sports bra up and cups my breasts in his large hands, squeezing and adding another level of pleasure to my already overloaded stimulation.

  There isn’t a sound around us. No wild life, no crunch of leaves signaling others nearby, nothing. The only sound is Ah'dan's hips hitting my ass and my screams
every time he bottoms out.

  "You are mine," he says fiercely, pitching me forward with even greater force. The broad head of his dick slides along the back of my clit, and I start to shake as I near my end. "Say it!"

  He fucks up hard, and I gasp, unable to do more than keep my mouth open on a silent scream.

  "Say it, Niya. I need to hear you say it."

  I'm can barely think long enough to stutter the words he asks for, but when I do, when I finally work my mouth to get them out, it's all it takes to send me over the edge.

  "I'm yours!" I scream it, ending on a ragged moan as my pussy contracts around him, and I orgasm, collapsing forward only to be held up by his arms still wrapped around my chest. He pulses inside of me, filling me more, so much that warm streams of semen flow from where he's wedged deep inside of me down my leg to the forest floor.

  The moment he slides free of my body, the euphoria lifts and humiliation crawls through me. We aren’t together anymore. He's supposed to be figuring out what he wants, and here I've been letting him fuck me against a tree. I groan and shake my head.

  "Please do not feel as you do now."

  I lift my head to find Ah'dan watching me with a tormented expression.

  I look away and start straightening my clothes. I have nothing to clean myself with, so I'm forced to pull my leggings up over my sticky legs. I cover my breasts, and fidget in the damp cloth before meeting his gaze again.

  "We shouldn’t have done this. I'm sorry I let it happen."

  His brows lift on a plea. "Do not say that. Being with you, being close to you is the greatest joy of my life. It is an honor I do not take lightly, and I do not take it carelessly. I am not joining with Ze'lah. This is what you think, yes?"

  I'm sure the surprise shows on my face. “I just thought since she's here, and you guys have that connection."

  He comes to me, taking hold of my arms, and forcing me to look up at him. "I am not with her. I am her lehti. I cannot escape this, and this means I am inclined to indulge her in ways I wish I weren’t. But when I wake in the morning, hard and horny, it is you who is on my mind."