Ahdan

by Nikki Clarke

  I snort softly. "You just wanted to say horny."

  The corner of his mouth curves. "I did, but I also wanted to let you know that I understand why you no longer wish to be with me. You should be first in my life, I have always known this, and it was selfish of me to allow you to accept anything less than that. I will not join with you again. I have just missed you so much, and I truly could not help myself. I just wanted to feel you one last time."

  He moves away, sighing deeply, and steps around me.

  "Come, let us rejoin the others. I am sure they have completed their tasks already.”

  I lag behind him as we get to the edge of the forest, not wanting it to be obvious that we were together, even though I know the way I was screaming, it's obvious we were.

  He breaks the trees, and I walk to the left and come out a few feet away. My eyes land on Tiani first, and she gives me a knowing smirk.

  "So, how'd you guys do?" She tilts her head to the side, and I roll my eyes.

  "I would have you know that my partner and I were very successful in our tasks. We were able to complete all of them." I turn in surprise when E'lii emerges from the wood behind me with a wide grin. He comes to my side and puts an arm around my shoulder. "Niya is very good at finding things."

  "Hm," Tiani returns. "I was actually kind of worried for a while. I thought I heard her scream."

  I twist my mouth to the side and close my eyes. A second later, I hear her burst out laughing.

  "It doesn't matter," she says. "Bati and I finished first. We were just waiting for the rest of you losers."

  "Nobody cares that you won," I throw back, if only because I'm glad we aren’t talking about me anymore. Tiani sticks out her tongue.

  "Ze'lah is not back?"

  I glance over to Ah'dan, who's surveying the gathering with a look of concern. He looks to E'lii and lets off a string of Lyqa.

  "I assumed that when you appeared without her, you had escorted her back to camp."

  Ah'dan eyes flicker quickly to me, and his cheeks pulse pink. "I did not. I left her in somewhat of a hurry."

  "I will look for her. She cannot have gone far." E'lii starts back to the forest, but Ah'dan steps up, holding an arm out.

  "No, I will go. I should not have left her the way I did. She is mine to look after."

  The moment the words are out of his mouth, he looks like wants to draw them back, but it's too late. He looks to me, and I wave a hand.

  "It's fine. Make sure she's okay."

  He hesitates, but turns and marches through the forest. For a hot second, I think of what a relief it would be if Ze'lah didn't come back and then immediately regret it.

  "Do not worry, I was thinking it, too."

  I look up in surprise at Sol. He’s the last person I would expect to express any kind of animosity to anyone.

  "It is difficult when my wife is not here to remind me not to intrude. I apologize."

  “It’s okay,” I mumble and turn away in shame.

  We wait for what seems like forever until finally we hear the crunch of footsteps coming from the forest. They sound hurried, and a second later, Ah'dan appears carrying Ze'lah. Panic flares through me as he rushes past me with her.

  "Is she well?" E'lii asks as he jogs to catch up. We all follow, dogging his heels. I couldn’t see her face as they passed, but she doesn’t seem okay.

  Ah'dan doesn’t answer but continues until he gets to the healing cabin in the far corner of the camp. Inside, one of the Lyqa children is being treated for a small abrasion. But when we walk in, the healers rush over.

  I don't know what's going on because they're speaking in Lyqa. I can only discern from their faces that it's not good. However, the moment Ah'dan settles Ze'lah against the cot, her eyes blink open.

  I frown. She looks awfully brisk for someone who was passed out a minute ago.

  "That's what I was thinking," Tee pushes out the side of her mouth from beside me. I watch with suspicion as Ze’lah blinks her large, round eyes up at Ah'dan.

  "Oh, lehti, I must have fainted. I waited so long. Where did you go?" Her tone is full of false innocence, and I feel my eyes shift to the side only to find Tee's expression a mask of my emotions.

  "I am sorry, lehti," Ah'dan is full of regret as he leans over to hug her. I shake my head. Poor guy doesn't even realize she's running game on him.

  What does this mean, 'to run game'?

  I turn to find Sol and Kyr looking curiously at me. Assuming it goes both ways, I answer in my head.

  It means to take advantage of someone's sympathy.

  "Ah, yes, my daughter does this to me often," Sol says with a resolute nod. I snort and turn to Tee and give her a shrug.

  “I’ll let you guys deal with this and see you later for dinner.”

  She offers a sad smile and sighs deeply as she nods. I leave and head back to my cabin, the entire time, thinking about how quickly Ah’dan’s attention was diverted from me again. It only drives home his words after we had sex in the woods. I'll never be first. And furthermore, I'll never be first when it matters.

  AH'DAN

  "Is she well?"

  The healer looks over to where Ze'lah is sitting up in the bed, cheerfully speaking with E’lii, and his forehead creases.

  "She would not allow an extensive scan, but she appears to be well. It may have been a slight moment of exhaustion, but I would say that there is not anything wrong with her. How does she feel?"

  He gives me a pointed look, and I know what he means. My heart beats steadily in my chest. And while I still have the occasional pain, there is nothing to suggest that she is in danger.

  "I feel fine."

  He nods. "Then you may take your lehti when she is ready."

  He walks away leaving me to regard Ze'lah from my place at the door. I do not want to believe she faked an illness to gain my attention, but this is beginning to seem the most likely case. When I think of it, it is not entirely unlike her. While she is not malicious, that is not the Lyqa way, she does enjoy receiving her desires, and she is not above subtle trickery to get them. I did not mind it when we were together. Then it was endearing and charming, but now it has only reinforced the reality that Niya can never come first in my life as she should.

  I push off of the wall and start over to where she lays.

  "You seem better, lehti."

  She blinks up from laughing with my cousin, and some of the exuberance drops from her expression. Her eyes lower in feigned fatigue. "I think I am well enough. I do feel somewhat tired."

  I give E'lii a subtle look, and he rises from his seat and leaves. I move around the cot and take his chair.

  "Ze'lah, I have explained how things will be with us. The last days have been confusing for me. It is true I responded to your presence. We are bound, and it would be very difficult not to, but that does not mean that we are back together. It does not mean that I do not love Niya. I do."

  "But do you love her more than me? Will you ever be able to love her more than me?

  When I hesitate, she gives me a knowing look.

  “I am yours, Ah’dan, whether you want me to be or not. Believe me when I tell you that it is best if you send your human home.”

  I wish it were possible to be irritated with her. I wish my nature allowed it. As it is, her words send a sharp unease through my middle, so I stand and move around to the exit. “Come.”

  She lifts her arms and holds them out to me. “Will you not carry me?”

  I stamp down the part of me that wants to take care of her and do everything for her and make myself turn away. “I think you are fine to walk.”

  I see Ze'lah to her cabin and wait on the porch as she goes inside.

  "Are you sure you will not come in?"

  I nod. "I do not wish to, Ze’lah.”

  "Why not just accept it, and we work to what he had before? Why torment yourself with continuing to love this human woman when you know how it will end? Come inside." She holds the door wider, and
when I stand firm, she steps back close, sliding a hand up my bare chest. Her fingers leave a trail of tingly electricity and my heart thumps. "Do you remember what it was like between us? I never forgot what it was like to be filled with you. Remember you used to say you filled me perfectly?"

  Someone gasps, and I spin around. Niya stands just before the cabin holding a small lunch pail in her hands.

  “Your mom was worried that you hadn't eaten. She asked me to find you and give this to you. I can just, I’ll just," she steps forward and leaves the pail on the bottom step. Her hurt wafts up on the breeze as she walks away, and I hurry down the steps, leaving Ze'lah standing on the porch.

  "Niya, please."

  "I don't want to hear it, right now, Ah'dan. You have no idea how I feel hearing her say that after what happened in the woods today.“

  "Please." I pull her to a stop by the arm, and she halts, turning to me with a blank expression. "Niya, I lo—"

  "No, I don't want to be love bombed by you. I know you love me, but I don't want to make the mistake of thinking I'm special to you, that anything we've had is special, because it isn’t, and it doesn’t have to be. Just don’t lie to me even if it’s a lie you really want to be true.” She inhales, pressing her eyes closed for a moment before opening them again. She is forcing calm. She is forcing away the hurt, but I can still smell it. "I don't want to believe things that can't be true, right now. I only want to believe the truth."

  "The only truth is that I love you."

  She sighs, looking down before meeting my eyes again. “Then maybe it’s not me you need to stop lying to. Maybe you need to stop lying to yourself.”

  ***

  Everything is dull at the evening meal. I sit with my parents and try my best to ignore the sound of Niya sighing forlornly at the table where my brothers sit with their lehti.

  "I have never regretted the leht, but I do now, for you. I would have it that you could love who you wished." My mother leans into my arm and rubs her cheek against my shoulder.

  "It is enough for me that I can see her."

  "Do not give up, my dahni. There is always a way for love."

  I turn to her, and her blue eyes shimmer with a hope I have not allowed myself to feel. Perhaps she is right, but she should know that the leht is not something I can overcome.

  "The leht is not love, my dahni," she says, discerning my thoughts. "Love is love. The leht is what it is and always will be, but your heart is still yours, do you understand?"

  I nod and look back to where Niya sits with the other human women. The moments I spent with Niya in the wood were the most vibrant since I left our cabin. Until then, I'd felt as I had before I met her—muted and alone, even with Ze'lah here.

  A resurgence of determination flows through me. I am not ready to give up. It is not enough just to see her. I want her with me. I want to wake with her body next to mine and end it buried inside of her, listening to her gasp out my name. Leht or not, Niya is the one I want.

  Dinner passes quickly and when everyone files from the dining area, I rush to catch up to Niya, but she manages to make it to her cabin before I can speak to her. I stand at the door, wanting to knock, but I know I have disrupted her enough for one day. I turn away, my heart aching, and retire to the cabin I have taken as my own.

  I cannot sleep.

  I kick off the coverings and spread my legs. I spent the last three rotations sleeping alone, and it only took one month of sleeping with Niya by my side for this to no longer be acceptable.

  Sighing, I lean over and root about in my pack until I find the scrap of fabric that Niya uses to tie up her hair. When I gathered my things from her cabin, I brought this with me. I did not think I would be able to go without smelling her, and I was right.

  I bring the scarf to my face and inhale. A calm immediately flows through me, but it quickly transforms to lust as my mind swirls with memory. I groan as my cock thickens and rises from my body. I look down in dismay.

  I toss the scarf away, but it is too late. Every part of me is thinking of Niya, and there is no hope that I will calm any time soon. With a resigned exhale, I grip the base of my cock and stroke up, jerking quickly and methodically to get myself to the end. I dislike releasing in this way. There is only one place I want my seed. On Niya or in her.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and think of how Niya looked bent forward at the tree. Her lush bottom stuck back, her tight pussy drawing me in as slammed into her. She takes me so well. She may think they were only words when I said I filled her perfectly, but they weren’t. My mind conjures the moment when I began to pump her full of my seed, how it had flowed from between the swollen entry of her passage where I was wedged deep inside of her.

  It is enough. I grunt and begin to spurt, the long, hot ropes hitting my stomach. It takes a long while before I am spent, and I quickly get up to wash myself with water from the bathing pool. When I am clean, I go back to the bed and fall forward, but I do not watch where I aim, and my face lands directly on the scarf I tossed aside earlier. I cannot jerk away in time, and my body reacts. I roll onto my back and whimper as I start to rise again.

  ***

  "You do not look rested."

  Kwarq comes to where I stand at the wood and looks pityingly down at me.

  "It is hard to rest when you are at war with your nature," I say as I bend down to pull another bright bloom from the ground surrounding the edge of the forest. When I have a hearty collection of the various wild flowers, I straighten to look at my brother. He smiles and nods his head.

  "She will appreciate them."

  “It’s a stupid, desperate gesture. I should be begging her forgiveness and telling Ze’lah to leave.”

  He doesn’t ask why I do not do this. He knows why I do not, why I cannot. I offer a cynical chuckle and move past him toward Niya’s cabin.

  It is maddening to wait for her to emerge from cabin. They are discreet, and I cannot hear what she is doing or even if she has risen. When we first arrived, I was glad for this Lyqa feature of privacy because it meant I could make her scream as loud as I wanted. I could enjoy her in every way I wanted, and no one would hear. Now, it is like being robbed of my senses. It is torturous.

  The sound of movement has me spinning around to see LaShay walking across the camp toward the cabin where the children are being cared for. Her steps are quick and determined, and I get the impression she noticed me first and is attempting to get away. I push off from Niya's cabin and take hurried steps over to her.

  "Shay."

  Her deep sigh reaches my ears before she stops and turns to fix me with a dry look. "What, dude?”

  "I know you are upset with me."

  She crosses her arms and leans into her hip. "I'm not mad. I'm disappointed. Niya's a good woman.“

  "She is the best woman," I counter, and some of the hostility leaves her face.

  "So, what was with all the lovey dovy shit you and ol’ girl were doing at dinner the other night?"

  I lift my shoulders and drop them heavily. "It was a moment. The song that my brother played was one we used to enjoy together. Old feelings returned. I never meant for Niya to witness that. I wish she had not."

  “Yeah, well, she did, but that’s none of my business.”

  "I am trying," I offer, but it does not earn much sympathy.

  "Try harder, dude," She returns with a lift of her hands and walks away again, leaving me standing in the middle of the camp.

  “I will not let her go!” I call after Shay, but she does not respond. I sigh and turn back to Niya’s cabin to find her standing a few spans away. When our eyes lock, she offers me a small smile.

  “Those are pretty.” She waves a hand at the flowers. I look down, my grand plan to woo her suddenly fleeing. With nothing else to do, I hold them out just as someone calls my name.

  “Addie, there you are!”

  Ze’lah skips over from the direction of her cabin, and my hand falters, dropping to my side. Disappointment registers
on Niya's face and she shifts from foot to foot as Ze’lah takes hold of my arm and presses to my side.

  “I thought perhaps we could enjoy the relaxation tents this morning. They were so invigorating when we were there a few days ago. Don't you think?”

  Niya frowns, and I clear my throat, easing from Ze’lah’s hold.

  “If you could give me a moment, I will meet you there.”

  She nods and turns to leave but stops when she spies the blooms in my hand.

  “Are those for me?” she asks with a smile.

  “I—uh, of course you may have them.” I reluctantly hold out the flowers, and she takes them, bringing them to her nose to inhale of their scent.

  “Oh, do you know what these remind me of? The flora fields. Do you remember when you used to take me there and sketch me? And when you were finished, how we would join for spans among the flowers.”

  “Lehti,” I attempt to stop her reminiscence, but it is too late. When I look at Niya, she looks stricken.

  “Wow, okay, excuse me.” She steps around us and rushes toward the dining hall. I look after her, wanting to follow but knowing it will do no good.

  When I turn back, Ze’lah watches me with an innocent expression.

  “You did that on purpose,” I accuse, and her cheeks pulse.

  “You did not have to give them to me. You could have ignored my request and gifted her the flowers as you had originally planned.”

  My nostrils flare in agitation, and I inhale to induce some calm over myself. “You placed me in an uncomfortable position.”

  “I placed you in a position that reflects our reality. You will always bend to me, Addie. I do not say this to cause either you or her harm, but it does no one good to pretend otherwise. If I call you, you will come. You have no choice. I am calling you Addie. Come to me.”

  She holds out her hand, her expression expectant. I look at it, feeling—even through my annoyance—the pull between us. I think of my mother’s words at dinner. I love Ze’lah, but it is not the love that I have for Niya. I am leht to Ze’lah, but that does not mean I do not have a choice.