Broken in Twilight

by Kim ten Tusscher

  “How do I know that this is what You want?” she screamed against the wind.

  The wind knocked her over. Lilith struggled to her feet, and the wind pushed her back in the direction of the humans. When she surrendered herself to the wind, it almost felt like she was floating. Once she had reached Icamm, the wind died down a little. The man looked at her expectantly.

  “I could really use your help,” Lilith sighed, still unsure whether this had been a sign. During the night, the wind had been beating against the canvas, too. It was probably just a forerunner of the gale.

  Icamm nodded, “I’m glad that you want to accept my help.”

  They walked to the camp together.

  “Sit down here and I’ll make the preparations for our journey.”

  Lilith sat down on a low, flat cart. She had seen something like this during her winter in Merzia. They had been called sledges. Icamm’s sledge, however, had five small wheels on both sides instead of runners.

  She watched as the man took his belongings out of his tent and wrapped them in bundles. Wasmée brought Lilith something to eat. It started to dawn on Lilith that the woman was incredibly kind to her, so she gave her a smile.

  Lilith was finally calm enough to take in her surroundings. She saw the dogs that she had only heard until now. Nine dogs were hovering around Icamm, and a few others were drowsily lying in a huddle.

  The humans had erected their tents in a small circle. Icamm was the only one who was packing his belongings. The others would apparently stay behind. Some of the men pushed their canoes into the water, and soon they were only small dots on the water.

  The wind flared up when Icamm wanted to fold the canvas. Lilith put down her bowl and walked up to him.

  “Can I give you a hand?”

  “That would be great, thank you.”

  The heavy pieces of leather flapped in the wind, but in the end they managed to fold them. When everything was packed, and Icamm had harnessed the dogs, they were ready to leave. Wasmée was watching them from a distance. Lilith beckoned her.

  “Could you thank her for me?” she asked Icamm. “I know now that she meant well.”

  Icamm translated the words and Wasmée broke out in a smile.

  “She wishes you a pleasant journey and hopes that you’ll soon find your way again,” Icamm interpreted Wasmée’s words.

  “I hope so, too,” Lilith said.

  She sat down on the front of the sledge, and Icamm stepped onto the rear. He spurred on the dogs, and Lilith waved at Wasmée one last time.

  Late in the afternoon they arrived at the village. There were twelve houses, built out of flat stones and turf, standing close together. In the middle stood a larger building, made from tree-trunks. The outer walls of this longhouse were painted and there were poles on either side of the entrance. The same kind of poles stood next to the other houses.

  “What are those?” Lilith asked Icamm.

  “You mean the totem poles? Long ago, the animals came to the people in this region and taught them what they needed to know. We make these statues to honour them.”

  Lilith wondered if the teachers had been shifters, but she didn’t dare to ask the question out loud.

  Icamm made the dogs stop in front of the hut with the highest pole. An old man came outside. The many wrinkles softened his features and made him look wise. He wore his hair in a long plait on his back. The thousands of beads on his clothes glittered in the sunlight.

  “Niul, this is Lilith. We accidentally frustrated her plans. Therefore, I’ve promised to bring her to the harbour,” Icamm said, after which he added something in his own language.

  The look in Niul’s eyes changed. He gave her an inquisitive look before he gestured in the direction of his house. “Welcome to our village, Lilith. I’d like to invite you into my house.”

  Niul spoke Merzian fluently. Whereas Icamm was unsure about the right words to use, this man gave the impression he never spoke any other language.

  Lilith followed Niul inside. An animal skin behind the door stopped the heat from slipping away through the cracks. For the same reason, there were no windows in the hut and the ceiling was low. It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the sparse light. There was an oil lamp on the table, and Lilith saw a few dogs lying in the corner. One of them raised its head briefly as she walked in and then resumed washing one of the other dogs. The beams that propped up the roof were richly decorated with woodcarvings and painted in madder red and dark green, with a bit of white here and there.

  Niul was sitting next to the fire and beckoned her to join him.

  “Icamm told me that you’re wearing a magic wristband. I don’t know why you were given one, but these aren’t things that I would use. If you want me to, I can remove it for you.”

  “You’re a sorcerer,” Lilith concluded.

  She hoped that Niul would deny it, but he nodded. Defeated, Lilith sat down. She hadn’t seen this coming. It had been a trap, after all.

  “Fine, just tell me what you want from me. I’ll obey you, until Ferhdessar or Kasimirh turns up. Whoever comes first can have me, I won’t put up a fight any more. You can all just do what you want, I’m not taking responsibility for any of it.”

  “You talk in riddles. Icamm told you that you’re free to go wherever you want, didn’t he? The men wanted to save you, but they apparently were mistaken, so we’ll help you on your way again.”

  Lilith scrutinized him. “It’s impossible for me to believe that.”

  “You’ve clearly been through a lot.”

  Lilith nodded.

  “You mentioned Kasimirh and Ferhdessar. I know the latter. Was he the one who gave you that wristband?”

  “Yes.”

  Niul shook his head and sighed. “Yes, it would be like him to resort to such means, his magic isn’t strong enough without the help of objects. What else has he done to you?”

  “The same as Kasimirh did and as you will do to me.”

  “I have no intentions of doing anything to you, so I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

  Lilith shrugged. She couldn’t believe him after her previous experiences with sorcerers.

  Niul took her arm and touched the wristband.

  “I can remove it, but I can also leave it alone. It’s your choice.”

  Lilith was eager to get rid of the thing, but she still didn’t trust the sorcerer. “What do you want me to do in return?”

  “Nothing. I see it as my duty. The Inuuk owe you for what they did to you. This is one of the things we’ll do to make it up to you.”

  Despite her doubts, Lilith nodded. Eyes closed, Niul mumbled something unintelligible. The band immediately loosened up. A weight fell off Lilith’s shoulders. Only now did she realize that the wristband had been affecting her continuously.

  The man weighed the silver in his hand before he laid the object down next to him. “I’ll destroy it later. That won’t cost me too much energy, since he didn’t use very powerful magic. Which is not surprising for someone who isn’t a sorcerer by birth.”

  Lilith chuckled, causing Niul to look at her.

  “I’m too hard on him. Ferhdessar can’t help it that he wasn’t born a sorcerer. As far as I know, he passed the tests well and uses magic for good purposes.”

  Lilith huffed. Again, Niul regarded her closely.

  “But who are you? I have my suspicions. Tell me if I’m right. You’re wearing Ferhdessar’s wristband and you’ve been flogged. Are you a prisoner of King Yvar?”

  “No. I was, but they released me before I left Merzia.”

  Niul frowned. “So you’re a free woman? Then how could Ferhdessar take advantage of you?”

  “Because I was stupid enough to trust him.” Niul looked her straight in the eye, and Lilith stared back at him. This man knew much about her, but did he also know that she was a shapeshifter? “He controlled me and made me fight. He knew how bad I would feel about it if I ever found out, so he kept the truth f
rom me.” She bowed her head. Now that she was forced to think about the battle, her grief over Chrys flared back up.

  “Do you know exactly what happened?”

  Lilith shook her head. She stared into the bright flames, because she hoped they would burn away the image of Chrys’s dead body. “I only know what others have told me, and I saw the consequences. That told me enough.”

  “I can help you remember what you saw with your own eyes,” Niul offered.

  Lilith tried to regard the man through the dark spots on her retina. “Why would I want that?”

  “As long as you don’t know exactly what happened, you’ll always have doubts. They will keep eating away at you.”

  “I do know what happened. It wasn’t my first time fighting, so I have no trouble imagining what happened in Havv’n.” She tried to make her voice sound determined.

  “You’re wondering if this time was different, because you might have fought on the right side. Even though you’re furious at Ferhdessar, you understand why he did what he did.”

  “How do you know all that!” She yelled to feel strong. She didn’t want to admit it, but she did indeed understand why Ferhdessar had used her. It was his task to protect Merzia. She even understood why he had wanted to kill her on the beach. In Kasimirh’s hands she was a weapon against Merzia. A very strong weapon that had better be destroyed. But that didn’t make it any less wrong. “What magic are you using on me?”

  “This has nothing to do with magic, it’s all about empathy. Your doubts are written on your face. With what you told me, it isn’t hard to fill in the blanks.”

  Lilith abruptly turned her face away from the flames and got up. “I want to leave. Can I?”

  Niul sighed, “Yes, of course. I had hoped we could talk some more, but if you don’t want to…”

  Lilith was outside before he could finish his sentence. As she walked through the village by herself, the Inuuk looked at her inquisitively. They called things and pointed after her. It seemed like more and more people turned up from all directions, so Lilith ran past the totem poles. It was nice to be running. The wind blew away all her worries, and the more out of breath she became, the fewer thoughts remained. Lilith didn’t know where to go, but that didn’t matter. Away, away, away, her head pounded.

  Suddenly, her consciousness was invaded by another word. Someone was calling her name. Soft at first, but louder and more determined with every repetition. Each syllable decreased the necessity to run away. The letters bound her to this place. Not like chains, but in a different way. More pleasant. Something about the voice sounded genuinely worried.

  She stopped running and turned around. A young woman came rushing towards her. She reached out her hand, but immediately withdrew it again. Maybe someone had warned her.

  “Where are you going? I’m Ohinde, Icamm’s wife. I want to invite you to stay with us until my husband can bring you to the harbour. It was at his orders that you were rescued – uh taken – so he asked me to take good care of you.”

  “When will he bring me to the harbour?”

  “As soon as possible. He’s planning to leave tomorrow.”

  It was best to wait, so Lilith nodded.

  As they walked home, Ohinde asked, “What happened to make you so upset?”

  “Niul is a sorcerer and the people… I don’t feel at ease here at all. What does everybody want from me?”

  “We’re just curious about you. We don’t see strangers here all that often. We’re also wondering why you were with that servus. Nobody here wants to hurt you.”

  “It feels to me like you’re all pushing me into a corner, and I don’t know what you want from me. Do you realize how scary it is to hear people talk about you in a language you don’t understand? I’ve experienced that since my childhood. The servi were never up to any good. Why would this time be any different?”

  “We aren’t servi. The women really don’t want to hurt you, they are worried about you.”

  Lilith shrugged.

  “Lilith, can I ask you something?”

  She nodded without looking up.

  “You blame us for taking you away from the servus, but what you just said about these creatures wasn’t positive. Could you explain that?”

  “I don’t want to be with the servus. I don’t blame you for that. A part of me was instantly happy to be away from him. But he was going to take me to Kasimirh and I do really want to go back to him.” She turned to face Ohinde. “Why is it that you don’t like the servi?”

  “A long time ago, we were at war with each other. It was an unequal battle. The servi stole our food supplies, forcing us to go back out onto the water. But whenever we did, they dragged our people into the deep. There wasn’t much that we could do against the people from the sea.”

  “How did you manage to win?”

  “One day, a frost dragon came to our aid. He has lived in this region ever since.”

  “A dragon lives around here?” Lilith asked completely baffled.

  “Yes, but this one lives in cold regions and doesn’t breathe fire. Instead, he can freeze his prey.”

  “Have you ever seen him?”

  “No, I haven’t. But hunters who travel far north have found tracks, and some say that they have seen him fly.”

  Lilith was lost in thought. Her fingers travelled along her neck where her shapeshifting amulet had once been. The idea that there was a dragon nearby made her nervous. She wasn’t sure if it was a bad thing.

  They entered a house. Inside, Ohinde took off her heavy anorak. Only now did Lilith notice that she was carrying a baby. Carefully lifting her child out of the baby sling, Ohinde said, “Please, sit next to the fire and warm yourself. I’ll prepare some food.”

  Ohinde walked up to Lilith and handed her the baby. Somewhat ill at ease, Lilith held the little infant.

  “Just let her rest on your arm. I hope you don’t mind looking after her, so that I have my hands free.”

  The little girl stared at Lilith with her narrow eyes and melted her heart. “What’s her name?”

  “In our culture it’s customary to name the child when it’s one year old. We believe that baby’s are more vulnerable to ghosts if they can be called.”

  Lilith cradled the little girl as the woman warmed up some soup. She wondered if her parents had named her or if her master had chosen to call her Lilith.

  Ohinde put a plate in front of her and took back her daughter. She kissed her on her forehead. The baby crowed and extended her hand towards her mother. Ohinde kissed it and held her baby against her chest. Lilith had been watching, but now she averted her eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” Ohinde sat down next to her.

  Lilith bowed her head. “Your child is so fortunate to be with you, but it’s also painful to watch how loving you are with her. I’ve never known that, because I was taken from my parents at a very young age.”

  Ohinde stammered something.

  “I’d rather not talk about it,” Lilith said. It was Jakob’s will. She yawned. Ohinde immediately got up. While Lilith ate, Ohinde made a bed out of animal hides. Then she hung up some cloths to screen off part of the room.

  “You look tired. Maybe you would like to have a rest? You did say you want to continue your journey as soon as possible.”

  Grateful, Lilith nodded and disappeared behind the cloths.

  Lilith stretched and wondered what time it was. She listened for sounds to indicate that Ohinde was awake as well. The fire cracked and something creaked. The baby uttered a soft sound, so Lilith decided it was time to get up.

  She pulled the cloth aside and saw Ohinde sitting by the fire. She was hunched over her baby, but immediately looked up when Lilith appeared. Lilith realized that Ohinde was breastfeeding the child. All of a sudden she felt like an intruder and she wanted to turn around.

  “Do come and join me.”

  Hesitantly, Lilith approached Ohinde.

  “Did you have a bad dream?”

 
; Lilith shrugged. She was often tormented by nightmares, but she couldn’t always remember them when she woke up. Intense fatigue was the only sign that she’d had one again.

  “You were sleeping so fitfully that I decided to let you lie in this morning. You were only just asleep. It’s late. Icamm has already left. He had to attend a meeting. I wasn’t sure if I should wake you for breakfast, but I thought it would be best not to. I’ll make you something shortly.”

  In the meantime the baby kept drinking. Lilith looked at it briefly, but then averted her eyes.

  “I’m sorry that it hurts you to look at my baby.”

  Lilith shrugged. “That’s not it. It’s a sweet little girl. I could look at her all day.”

  “But still it hurts, I can tell by looking at you.”

  Lilith shrugged once more.

  “By the way, I have bad news for you. The wind is too strong to travel. You’ll have to wait a few more days before Icamm can accompany you to the harbour.”

  That, indeed, was a setback, but Lilith gave a shy smile, because Ohinde seemed to really feel bad for her.

  “This Kasimirh that you want to go back to, is he the man who took you from your parents?” asked Ohinde.

  Lilith was startled by the blunt question. Ohinde said something to her baby and moved her to her other breast. Lilith couldn’t help but notice the twinkle in her eyes as she took care of her child.

  All of a sudden, Lilith became aware of the emptiness inside her, and the fact that she had been searching for ways to fill the void all her life. An endless quest for something to replace the love that her parents had given her in the first few weeks of her life. Kasimirh had come close whenever he had shown her that she was important to him, but now that she saw Ohinde with her baby, she realized that what Kasimirh had offered her had been nothing but a weak substitute. His love came with many conditions.

  “I’m so stupid,” she whispered. It hadn’t been meant for Ohinde’s ears, but she looked up anyway. Lilith ignored her questioning gaze.

  “In this village, children are sometimes given to other parents as well,” Ohinde said in an attempt to console her. “Not everyone is capable of looking after a child. There can be so many reasons why. In those cases it’s best if someone else does the job.”