Finding Home

by Meg Harding

  The wide doors for the barn were propped open, so Jaden entered. The inside of the barn looked nothing like one. It was a warmer, homier version of the daycare Jaden dropped Magneto off at when he and Drew had spent a weekend in the Hamptons. The dogs had neat stalls running in aisles throughout this half of the barn. Each stall was decent sized and the floors were covered in plush blankets and beds. Some of the doors had a blanket draped over them, so the dog couldn't see out. On the other side of the stalls were two indoor playrooms, a door to the outside play area, the vet room, and the grooming room. The second story of the building was dedicated to any animals coming in that weren't dogs.

  The door to the grooming room was shut, but Jaden could hear Phoenix cursing. He knocked.

  “Give me one sec!”

  Jaden wandered to the nearest stall, leaning over the clear half door and holding his fingers out to the manically twitching nose of a lab mix. The dog slobbered all over them, and Jaden scratched under its chin. “Hi there,” he murmured. “You’re so cute.” The dog jumped, planting its feet on the top of the door and aiming its tongue at Jaden’s face. He scratched its ears, tilting his head away. “No licking my face,” he said sternly.

  “Her name’s Natasha.”

  Jaden banged his elbow into the door when he startled, his funny bone twinging in a not funny at all way. “Jesus. Warn a guy.” He glared at Phoenix, but then dropped his gaze to the wet blue nose pitbull beside him. The pit was staring avidly at the lab. Afraid he was going to lunge, Jaden stepped into the way of his view.

  Phoenix’s eyebrows went up, and then he smirked. He was shirtless, wearing boardshorts and flip flops. It looked like he was the one who’d been bathing, he was so wet. Phoenix patted the pit’s head. “This is Jack. He’s harmless. He goes in the room next to Natasha. We can wash her next.”

  “Why Natasha?” He watched Jack trot into his stall and shake water everywhere. “The name,” he clarified.

  Phoenix took the leash from Jack and switched it to Natasha, edging Jaden out of his way so he could unlock the door. “I was watching The Winter Soldier when I got the call to pick her up. A tourist found her wandering along the side of the highway.” He nudged Jaden. “You want her?”

  The answer was yes, and Jaden was crazy, because he already had one giant horse sized dog. A second one wouldn’t fit in his car for the drive back to New York. And if he showed up with another dog at his mom’s house, she’d probably kill him. Thinking about going home made his chest tight. “I’ve got a dog already,” he said. “Wouldn’t want to hurt Magneto’s feelings. I think he likes being an only child.”

  He couldn't see Phoenix’s face, but he was pretty sure his brother was rolling his eyes.

  The grooming room had a large hot tub like structure in it next to a shower head hung on the wall and the floor was slick with water, despite the many towels scattered about. Natasha balked the closer they got to the tub. Phoenix hefted her squirming figure, groaning, and deposited her in it. There were a couple inches of water at the bottom, but that was it. Her nails clicked on the surface. Phoenix grabbed the shower head. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

  Jaden watched him spray Natasha, her fur slicking to her too thin body. “Who was my grandmother?” He twisted his fingers together. “Like, as a person. Why haven’t any of you cleaned out her house or done anything?” He bit his lip. “I realize that last question might be insensitive, but I’m just trying to understand.” He’d seen the photos, heard the fond mentions of her from many of the people in the town—his brothers and Chase included. He wasn’t any closer to knowing her, and he feared he never would be.

  Phoenix turned off the shower head and glanced at him. He didn't look mad. “We’ve been waiting for you to start asking questions,” he said. He started soaping Natasha. “Lily-Anne—no one called her grandma—was… something else. At heart she was a hippie, all go with the flow and let things work themselves out on their own. But she was a nurse, and she didn’t want to leave Serenity. She liked helping the people around here. She volunteered when she wasn’t working, and she started the physical therapy unit at the gym when she met Chase. For his shoulder, you know.”

  Jaden blinked at that, because no, he didn't know.

  Phoenix continued talking. “And when she met us, she let us right in. No questions asked. Everyone else was a little leery. Our father left a bad taste in their mouth in regards to Lily-Anne’s people coming and going. But we stayed with her till we got our own places, and she drove us crazy by making excuse after excuse for her son when we’d ask questions. She wasn’t perfect, not even close to it, but she loved us and she tried.” He sighed, beginning to rinse Natasha off. “She had cancer on and off, before we came around. It kept going into remission. I’m not sure how it all played out, honestly. It was a mess. She said she was lucky to live as long as she did. We took care of her how we could, especially Elliot—his mom passed from lung cancer before he came here. Elliot moved in with her to help. At the end. And he looks like he’s taking it all right, he’s functioning and all, but he’s adamant that we not touch the house. He isn't ready to let go, and we’re not willing to push him.” He turned to Jaden. “Zane’s afraid you are, though.”

  Soapy water splattered over Jaden’s face as Natasha shook. He twisted, tried to huddle away from further spray. He righted himself when it was safe. Was he going to push Elliot? He didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. “Why is he letting me stay there then? It doesn't bother him, me being in her home?”

  “You’re family. Elliot wants you to stay as long as possible, and he figured you’d like the space. We all started out there. Elliot is… family is important to him. Really, really important.” He rubbed Natasha down with a towel while she tried to squirm away, and Jaden realized he hadn’t done anything to help.

  “Do you need me to do anything?”

  “When I lift her out, you can brush her on that low table over there. She sheds like no tomorrow, don’t you, girl?” He kissed her nose.

  Jaden waited till he was brushing her, wet hair sticking to the bristles, to ask, “Do you know anything about our dad? Did he ever come back here? Why wasn’t he around to help her when she was sick?” Now that he’d begun asking questions, he worried he might never stop. There was so much he couldn't seem to wrap his head around.

  Phoenix sat on the edge of the tub, toweling off his torso. He frowned, gaze on the dark terry cloth. “He hasn’t been around since we got here. I don’t know if he came around before that. For all I know, he’s living in Russia or Antarctica. Mom said he was charming. All smiles, all the time. He made her feel like she was having an adventure. He couldn’t sit still.” Phoenix shrugged, tossing the towel aside. “He moved on to something new when their adventure got old. Your mom ever say anything about him?”

  “No.” Jaden worked gently at a clump of matted hair. “She won’t talk about him. I know she met him here. She was eighteen when she had me. I got the impression he was gone by the time I was born.”

  “You know what I get from all this?” asked Phoenix.

  “What?”

  “He wasn’t a guy worth knowing. I think we got lucky.”

  Jaden had never thought of it quite that way before, but maybe Phoenix was onto something. “It’s that easy for you?”

  Phoenix grimaced. “I wouldn’t call it easy by a long shot. But I know what dwelling does to a person. I saw what waiting for a call or a letter from him did to my mom, and later on, Lily-Anne. On her bad days, she’d cry. She missed him terribly. Her husband, our grandfather, he left her for another woman. She said our father reminded her of him, never happy with what he had. Always looking for something better. Didn’t care about anyone else. Who needs someone like that in their lives? I can do without.”

  It had only taken her a week, but as Jaden left Phoenix’s, his mom finally returned his phone call. He was impressed his Bluetooth managed to get signal way out here and half-tempted to ignore
the call because he was childishly annoyed by how long she’d taken to get back to him. She could have texted or something. Acting immature wouldn’t get him anywhere though, so he accepted it. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Jaden,” she said. “I got your sarcastic message.”

  He rolled his eyes. “The one I left ages ago?”

  Her tone softened. It was infinitesimal, a nuance only Jaden could notice. “I was working. There was a breakthrough on my current project. You know how it is.”

  Jaden did. For as long as he could remember, it’d been this way. “Any success?”

  She sighed, and he could hear the clicking of her nails on her laptop keys. “We know what not to do now. Our breakthrough led to a two-day quarantine. We’re taking a breather to determine where in the process we went wrong.”

  It wasn't the first time his mom had landed herself in quarantine. She missed his high school graduation because she’d been exposed to a virus or a strain of the flu—Jaden couldn't recall which it was. When it had happened, he’d been a little too upset to care about the details. “You’re fine?” He parked in front of Lily-Anne’s house and stayed in his car, air conditioning on blast. His dashboard let him know it was a welcome-to-hell 103 degrees outside.

  “Healthy as a horse,” she said. “And how’re you? How’s Serenity?”

  He picked at a hangnail on the side of his thumb. “I’m good.” He chewed on his bottom lip. “I like it here. It’s… weird, kinda. Different but nice. I’ve been working at the gym with my brothers, getting to know them. They like me.” Get to the point Jaden. “Mom, why’d you really send me here?”

  “Someone was going to have to go. I didn’t want it to be me.”

  He'd give his mom this, she was many things, but she wasn't a liar. She wouldn’t beat around the bush when outright asked a question. He just had to ask the right ones, because she did love to omit. “I could have signed over the rights to the gym from New York. And you already said you thought it would be good for me to get away. But nothing about any of that implies ‘have to.’”

  He waited.

  “The house is supposed to be split between you and your half-brothers. One of us needed to be there to make sure you get a fair portion when it’s sold. To make sure we’re not being cheated out of anything by the appraisers. I know it’s worth a lot, but Serenity can be weird about these things. I already told you this.”

  Jaden dropped his head to the steering wheel and crossed his eyes to try and stare at the middle of the horn. Selling his grandmother’s house hadn’t occurred to him. And he couldn't do it, anyway. His brothers would never agree. He wouldn’t ask them to. Especially now that he’d talked to Phoenix.

  “When did you tell me this?”

  “When I told you about the will.”

  Jaden honestly didn't remember hearing much other than “your grandmother is dead” and “you have half-brothers.”

  “You forgot?” she asked.

  “I didn’t forget.” To forget, he would have had to have heard when she said it. “I didn’t hear you say it.”

  “Jaden, you could really use that money. You’re my son, and I love you, but you can’t keep living here. You’re thirty-five. Do you know what people will say? The money from the house will help you afford an apartment till you can find another job. You’ve been applying, right?”

  Jaden rubbed at his chest. It felt unnaturally tight. He was twelve again and failing his science class. She wouldn’t get him a tutor because “what would people say?” She’d written study notes for him in her free time and made him practice, practice, practice. In the end, he got an A, but he’d had to drop his piano lessons to do so.

  “Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been applying.” He hadn’t. Not since he came down here. He got out of the car, heading for the house.

  “And you’ll put the house up for sale?”

  No. “I’ll look into it.” If he was going to lie to her, he might as well go all in. He'd figure out something. He always did. “What if I wanted to stay?” He couldn't believe he was asking. It was an insane idea. He opened the front door, hand shaking.

  She sucked in a sharp breath. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Why do you hate Serenity so much?” he blurted.

  There was nothing soft about her tone now. “Jaden, it’s a hole in the ground. It’s for old people going nowhere else. You can't accomplish anything there. People with college degrees don’t live in the backwoods. Is this some life crisis you’re having because of Drew leaving you?”

  Hurt swept through him. She was wrong. He curled his fingers into a fist. “I married Drew because of you. You thought he was perfect. He had manners and he dressed well. You told me if I married him things would be smooth. He wasn’t a rock-the-boat type of guy.”

  “Don’t blame that on me. You asked for my opinion and I gave it.”

  “Maybe it’s time I stopped listening to your opinions, then,” he snapped, and he ended the call.

  He was breathing heavy. His stomach was churning. He’d never gone off on his mom like that before. He didn’t even know he had it in him to stand up for himself in such a way. He rubbed his chest again. With his back against the wall, he sunk to the floor and put his head between his knees. Wasn’t he supposed to feel better now, not be having an anxiety attack? ‘Cause all he felt was a sickening panic that she might never talk to him again. Which, yes, was dramatic, but he wasn't sure how situations like these went. He’d always been a quiet sulker.

  When Drew and he fought it was in quiet, calm tones, and it normally ended with Drew being right or—if Jaden was being particularly stubborn—they’d sleep in separate rooms.

  He’d never really done the whole yelling thing.

  He didn't feel liberated by it.

  That night he went to the beach. He took Magneto, used the phone number he swiped from Elliot’s phone when he wasn’t looking, and he texted Chase asking him to meet Jaden there. It was impulsive, and he didn't want this to count as their date, but he could use the company.

  And it felt right.

  For once, he was going with the voice in the back of his mind he usually ignored.

  He got there before Chase and spread the beach towel he’d found in the hallway closet out. He laid down and closed his eyes, folding his hands under his head. Magneto sprawled beside him, knocking sand onto Jaden and flicking his thigh with his tail. Jaden concentrated and timed his breathing to match his dog’s. He relaxed bit by bit.

  Phoenix was right. This beach was literally serenity.

  He was moments from falling asleep when Magneto rolled, a low growl rumbling from his throat. For such a big baby, he could sound mean when he wanted to.

  “Hey, buddy. It’s just me.”

  At Chase’s voice, Magneto flopped to his back and offered his belly. His tongue lolled out the side of his mouth as Chase pet him. Jaden got the ridiculous urge to ask Chase if he’d rub his belly, too. Luckily, his self-control and respect kicked in, and the impulse didn't get voiced. “Hi.” He curled his toes in the sand.

  Chase smiled softly at him. “Hey, what’s up?”

  Where to start? Jaden didn't think they were at a point where it would be appropriate for him to unload all his feelings and confusion onto Chase. Given their limited time left together, Jaden didn't think they'd ever reach that point. He might not remember much about dating, but he could clearly recall the beginning was when you were supposed to hide your flaws—he read that tidbit in Cosmo while waiting at the dentist.

  “Just wanted company.”

  “Rough day?” Chase settled beside him after much nudging and prodding of Magneto to get him to give up some space.

  This was the perfect opportunity for Jaden to let his frustration with his mom and his situation in general flow out. He didn't take it, the words sticking in his throat. “It was long.”

  Chase tangled his fingers in Jaden’s hair, and then scratched lightly over his scalp. He somehow managed to not pull on any o
f the strands or to tangle in the many knots that inevitably formed throughout the day. Jaden tilted his head so Chase had better access and released a low, content moan before he could choke it back. His eyes slipped shut. The remaining tension in his muscles melted away. Who knew a head rub could feel so good? Jaden had had a massage before, and they’d tended to his scalp. It hadn’t felt anything like this.

  “Want to tell me about it?”

  It took Jaden a second to figure out what Chase was talking about. “Yes,” he answered, “but I shouldn’t.”

  “You shouldn’t?”

  “No one likes a whiner.”

  Chase paused in his scratching, only resuming when Jaden made a disgruntled noise and rocked his head. “I’ve got news for you. Everyone complains. Will you feel better if I tell you about what’s sucking in my life right now?”

  Jaden had a hard time believing anything in Chase’s life wasn't perfect right now, but he’d bite. “Yeah.”

  “I got in my car this afternoon to find the AC no longer works. Yeah, you’re grimacing now, just wait a minute till I finish this story. Then you’ll really feel bad for me. So I swung on by auto repair, but Max—our resident mechanic—is on vacation. He'll be back in two days according to the sign in his window. When he does return, he’ll probably have to order my parts from somewhere because that’s how these things go. So, with luck running its course, I should have AC by next week. God willing.”

  “That’s awful,” said Jaden, completely heartfelt. He couldn't imagine not having AC in weather like this. He’d most likely pass out from the heat while driving.

  “Mhm,” hummed Chase. “And I made a rookie mistake.”