My Tomorrow

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  When I stepped onto the street, I had no clue where I was going. I’d never been to Carmine’s and all I knew was that it was in the theatre district.

  The streets were crowded as usual and I peered around each corner, hoping I might catch a glimpse of Ethan’s restaurant, but after searching for fifteen minutes and feeling like a fool each time I stopped to look and someone bumped into me, I was ready to give up. I finally decided to ask for directions. I looked around and saw a man selling magazines and candy. He looked nice enough, but with New Yorkers, you never really could tell.

  “What canna get fo ya?” his deep, accent laced voice asked when I approached.

  “I was wondering if you might know where the restaurant Carmine’s is?” I asked.

  “It’s ova by The Lion King. Three blocks down, turn right,” the man said and then looked behind me to a waiting customer.

  “Thanks,” I said, but he didn’t acknowledge it.

  I started walking in the direction the man had told me and was almost lost in the sea of people. I was still overwhelmed by all the excitement and I gazed upward at the lit up billboards and all the show marquees. I couldn’t wait to go to a Broadway show sometime. I’d never been, unless you counted the time Phantom of the Opera came to Des Moines when I was in high school. Perhaps I could hint at it for my birthday.

  I turned the corner where the man had said to and I immediately saw the huge The Lion King sign. I headed towards it and kept walking until I finally saw the small black and white sign that read Carmine’s. When I opened the door, I was taken aback by how crowded it was. Ethan had told me it was a popular place, but I hadn’t expected it to be that big or that packed. I started scanning for Ethan, but the restaurant was so massive that I didn’t see him. I inched my way to the front to the hostess, a pretty blonde dressed all in black.

  “How long is the wait for a table for one?” I asked.

  “About an hour, maybe a little longer,” the hostess said and I felt my mouth form into a frown. “You could always go the bar. There’s a full menu and it’s open seating,” the girl said encouragingly and I smiled, thanking her as I made my way over.

  There were a few open seats and I claimed one of them.

  “What can I get you?” the bartender asked a few moments later.

  “I’ll just take a water,” I answered.

  “Do you need a menu?”

  “Please,” I said and he handed it to me.

  “Let me know when you’re ready.”

  “Thanks,” I said, taking it, but not opening it right away. Instead, I began scouring the crowd again. I had a good view from the bar and I hoped to spot Ethan soon, but there was so much hustle and bustle and the servers were dressed in black so they all looked the same. I decided to look through the menu and continue my search after I’d ordered and I flagged down the bartender. I’d decided on the chef salad when what I really wanted was the chicken parmesan, but the salad was half the price.

  “Before you go,” I said just as he’d turned to leave after taking my order. “Do you know Ethan Carter? He’s a server here.”

  “Yeah, I know Ethan.”

  “Do you know where he’s at?”

  “I’m not sure. I think he’s in the back of the house tonight. Do you need to talk to him?”

  “If it’s possible.”

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Thanks,” I said and continued spanning the crowd as I waited for my salad, feeling like a loser, sitting alone at the bar. Everyone else was laughing and talking and having a great time and it suddenly struck me that I had no one in this city. No one I could count on besides Ethan and sometimes I felt like I didn’t even have him anymore.

  I had my salad a few minutes later and began mixing it around, the whole time watching the restaurant for any sign of Ethan. I smiled when I finally spotted him. I knew he’d seen me too by the way he was walking straight towards me. I felt my smile fade though when I noticed the sternness of his face and he didn’t look happy to see me.

  “What are you doing here?” he practically whispered when he’d reached me.

  “I thought I’d grab a salad and say hi before heading home,” I said, but I could see that he didn’t think my idea had been a good one.

  “You can’t just show up here. This is my job. I’m working.” His tone was harsh and I hadn’t expected it at all.

  “I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I just wanted to say hi.”

  “Do you know how bad it looks when someone comes up to me in front of my manager, telling me some chick is waiting for me at the bar?” He was openly sneering and I had to do everything to bite back the tears forming in my eyes.

  “I’m not some chick,” I choked out quietly and the silence settled uncomfortably between us.

  “Hey,” he said, his voice instantly softening and he surreptitiously took my hand. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I don’t know what else you could’ve meant,” I said, pulling my hand away.

  “It’s really not a good idea to just show up because I can’t just stop and talk to you. I’m really busy right now.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I just wanted to see you, but I’ll go now,” I said, grabbing my coat and sliding it on. I reached into my purse and pulled out a twenty dollar bill, leaving it next to my unfinished salad. “This should cover the cost. I’ll see you when you get home.”

  I began walking towards the door, half expecting Ethan to come after me, but he didn’t, and I turned and looked for him once more before leaving. He was walking back to his section and my heart ached as the distance grew between us. I’d just wanted to say hi. I’d just wanted to see him, if only for a few minutes and he’d acted like I was some crazy stalker.

  I grabbed the large gold handle of the door, but I kept my eyes on Ethan. He was in the corner of the room now, entering something into a computer when an exotic looking girl with silky black hair put her arm around him and said something I couldn’t hear, but whatever it was, it caused them both to laugh. The girl walked away and I was sick with jealously. I wanted to slap him, but I didn’t. I just whipped the door open and stepped out into the cool night air and even though the streets were crowded with people, I’d never felt more alone.

  Thirteen

  I was a sea of emotions as I made my way towards the subway. Embarrassed. Dejected. Pissed. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it when a few tears escaped. With each step I tried to figure out what the hell was happening to us. New York was supposed to be our future, but all I could think about was the past and how good things had been before we’d come here. I’d give anything to have that back. I’d give anything to be back in Iowa so everything could go back to the way it’d been. This wasn’t worth it anymore.

  I reached into the pocket of my purse for my phone so I could check the time, but my hand came up empty. I continued to dig, but I just brushed against my wallet and a half-empty packet of gum. I stopped under a light to search for the phone, but when I looked inside, it was just a bottomless pit and the phone was nowhere to be found. I began digging again, at a more frantic pace, but when I came up empty handed once more I realized it was lost. My cell was my lifeline and if I’d lost it, there was no way I could afford another right now.

  “Hold on. Take a deep breath and think,” I said to myself before I could get too worked up. I knew I hadn’t taken it out at Carmine’s and I didn’t think it could fall out of the pocket in my purse. I closed my eyes, racking my brain, trying to recall when I’d last used it and then it occurred to me that I’d received a text from my mom as I was getting ready to leave work and I realized it had to be sitting on my desk where I’d stupidly left it, obviously too distracted by my talk with Drew about his sketch to make sure I had everything.

  I turned quickly and headed in the opposite direction. The office wasn’t that far and there was no way I was going the entire weekend without my phone.

  The subway back to Downtown
wasn’t that full. When it came to a stop, I walked quickly up the steps and headed towards the office. The lobby was the emptiest I’d ever seen it and I was surprised to not see the grumpy old man sitting at the security desk. Instead, it was a middle-aged man with balding hair and a friendly smile. I dug through my bag and pulled out my ID badge.

  “I work up at Taylor and Saben,” I said, flashing the badge. The man just nodded and I went to the elevator. It glided easily to the fourteenth floor since it didn’t have to make its usual stops and when the doors opened, the quiet of the lobby made me uneasy. I’d never seen it this dead. It was always teeming with activity. The lights were dim and I realized I probably couldn’t get through the clear doors leading inside. They had to have been locked up for the night. I was already here though and it was worth a shot. I gripped the handle and exhaled deeply in relief when the doors opened.

  It was strange walking through the office like this. I was used to the hustle and bustle of the office during the day and now it was like a graveyard. I didn’t like the feeling of being alone and I quickened my pace until I reached my desk. I couldn’t stop the sigh of relief when I saw the phone sitting there and I quickly snatched it up and shoved it back in my purse.

  “Hey,” a deep voice said and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

  “Holy shit!” I exclaimed as I jumped around, holding my chest, my heart pounding from fright as I saw Drew standing in his office door, leaning against the doorjamb with his arms folded across his chest. I’d been so concerned with my phone that I hadn’t even noticed the light was on in his office. I thought for sure he would’ve left by now.

  “Sorry to have startled you. Back so soon?” he smiled, unfolding his arms and walking towards me.

  “No,” I said. “I couldn’t find my phone and I had come back to check if it was here.”

  “And was it?”

  “Yes, thankfully.”

  He looked down at his watch and then back up at me again.

  “You left hours ago.”

  “I could say the same for you. You said you were getting ready to leave when I did.”

  “I had a burst of inspiration. I couldn’t stop that.”

  “Tashawa’s project?”

  “That’d be the one. Our talk,” he said, moving closer to me. “It helped.”

  “Oh yeah?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

  “More than you know,” he said, pausing for a moment before continuing. “You came all the way back here from the Upper Eastside for a phone?”

  “I hadn’t made it home yet.”

  “After work plans?” he continued and I just silently shook my head. “Are you okay?” he asked, taking another step closer to me.

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not. You look upset…like you’ve been crying.”

  “I’ve not been crying,” I said, trying to sound convincing.

  “Your smudged mascara would say otherwise,” he said, pointing to my eyes.

  I quickly reached into my purse and pulled out a compact. Sure enough, I looked like a raccoon.

  “It’s allergies,” I said, closing the compact and putting it back in my purse.

  “Liar,” he said, and then came even closer, grabbing a tissue from Anna Beth’s desk as he did so. He was in front of me a second later and wiping the smudged mascara from my eyes. “What’s going on, Natalie? No more bullshit.”

  “It’s nothing, really. I just need to get home and get some sleep. I’ll see you on Monday. Have a good night, Drew,” I said as I turned to head back through the deserted office.

  “Wait,” he called out and I turned around to see him stepping back into his office, returning a moment later with his coat on and brief case in hand. “Let me at least walk you home.”

  “No, that’s okay. You’re busy and I’ll be fine.”

  “It’s after eight, I need to go home and you shouldn’t be going all the way back Uptown in the dark alone.”

  I knew arguing with him was pointless. He’d proven that on numerous occasions and I nodded as he joined me.

  The streets were nearly empty as we walked, the sound of my heels clicking on the sidewalk filling the air.

  “Nice night, huh?” Drew asked after we’d been walking silently for a few minutes.

  “I hadn’t really noticed.”

  “Melancholy doesn’t suit you.”

  “Sorry,” I said, trying to smile, but not doing a very good job of it.

  “Really, Natalie, what’s bothering you? And don’t tell me you’re fine because it’s obvious you’re not.”

  I sighed and felt the tears begin to sting my eyes. I breathed in to calm myself. I was not going to let Drew Saben, my boss, see me cry, but I knew he wasn’t going to relent unless I told the truth.

  “Stupid Boyfriend,” I finally said through the lump in my throat.

  “What’d Stupid Boyfriend do this time?”

  “He just…” I paused, thinking how I should word this. “He just…he really disappointed me tonight,” I said, hoping that little bit of information might pacify him enough that he would drop it. I should’ve known it wouldn’t.

  “How?”

  “Drew, I really don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

  “It’s not a burden,” he said with an easy, reassuring smile that made me feel like he really did care.

  “It’s nothing. Really. Just the stress of moving here and everything else. It’s just messed everything up, but it’s nothing you need to concern yourself with.”

  “Fine. You don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine,” he said as he tucked his free hand into the pocket of his trench coat and the silence returned, but it seemed with each step, the words were teetering on my tongue, wanting to tell him. I wanted him to know how Ethan had hurt me. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to be hurt. Before I could stop myself, the words came flying out.

  “I stopped by the restaurant he works at on my way home,” I began, my words coming hurriedly, but quiet. “I just wanted to see him. I just wanted to say hi, for a second,” I continued and stopped as I felt myself getting choked up.

  “What happened?” he asked gently.

  “He didn’t want to see me, that’s what happened. I was so humiliated,” I said and even though I was trying my best to prevent it from happening, a tear escaped and I quickly wiped it away, hoping no others would fall.

  “Hey,” he said, gently taking my elbow and stopping me so that I was facing him. “Don’t cry. Don’t let him make you cry. You’re stronger than that.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, quickly wiping my face.

  “Don’t apologize. You’re upset and you should be. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. You’re my boss and this is not appropriate,” I said, shaking my head and taking a step back from Drew as his hand released my elbow.

  “Yes, I’m your boss, but I’m also your friend.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re not my friend. You’re my boss and I need to go.” I turned, walking quickly, but I could hear his footsteps behind me and then I felt his hand on my arm, stopping me.

  “He’s an asshole, Natalie, and you need a friend right now. I know what it’s like to be alone, like there’s no one in the world to turn to and I’m telling you that you do have someone to turn to right now.”

  I looked up into Drew’s sincere eyes and I was taken aback by his kindness. He could be doing anything he wanted with anyone he wanted, but he cared enough to want to be with me. I couldn’t burden him with this though. I couldn’t let him into this part of my life.

  “Thank you, Drew,” I said softly. “But I’ll be fine. I just need to go home and cool off and everything will be okay. I really am sorry that you caught me like this.”

  “You can’t be alone right now. You’re too upset.”

  “I’m not upset,” I said, although my tears betrayed me. “I’m just,” I paused, taking in a deep breath
. “I’m just…lonely. I never should’ve come to New York. I should’ve stayed in Iowa. I was crazy to think this would actually work.”

  He reached his hand out again and it rested on my arm. His eyes drew my gaze to his and he was smiling.

  “I’m so glad you came to New York and you’re not alone. Not tonight,” he said and I was shocked when he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into the warmth of his chest. I hesitated for a moment as my body grew accustomed to the unfamiliar arms around me. The smell of him was so close now and soon the hesitation was gone as I melted into him. He held me tight and stroked my hair as I cried. I felt like a fool, but I couldn’t help it. All of my emotions were coming to the surface.

  “It’s okay,” he repeated softly in my ear as I let all the frustrations that had been building up since we arrived in New York come spilling out. The tears weren’t just about tonight. They were about everything since we’d come here. I left everything I knew behind so Ethan could follow his dream. I was alone in the biggest city in the world and I felt the distance between Ethan and me growing wider every day. I was scared and nervous and so, so lonely. It felt good to cry and to be held. It felt good to let it all out.

  “You don’t need to be alone right now,” Drew said when I’d calmed down. “Why don’t you come over? We’ll get some Chinese take-out and watch a movie.”

  “Drew, I don’t know,” I said hesitantly.

  “C’mon. It’ll make you feel better.”