HIS OBSESSION-To Load

by Beck, J. L.

  Donovan shrugged. “Yeah it is, but everyone else is always late so why can’t I be late too?” He took a drink this time.

  I eyed him with surprise because had his soon to be wife Harper heard him say that, he would be running for the hills. That was one woman you did not want to disappoint.

  “I’m going to grab a shower before we leave,” I shot to Donovan over my shoulder, as I placed the half full beer on the patio table and headed inside. I couldn’t stop thinking about Mia and the way her body begged to be possessed by me all over again. I knew it. It was obvious. I could clearly see all of it in her eyes. The years in time that separated us, made the need for her stronger than it ever had been before. I stripped off my clothing, letting it all fall to the floor at my feet. I was exhausted after a twenty-hour round trip flight back to the states, yet the only person I wanted to see was the only person who refused to see me. How messed up was that? That was the strange whirlwind that made up my life sometimes.

  I twisted the shower knob, turning it all the way to hot before jumping into the stream of water. I’d needed this for so long. The water pelted against my back, relieving the ache in my muscles. After a few moments in the shower, the stress began to ease out of my pores and I closed my eyes waiting for my head to clear.

  “Fuck!” I growled feeling all my emotions at once. Mia didn’t want me anymore, and though I wasn’t going to give up on her that easily it hurt me to know that she had obviously at one point and time moved on with someone else. Still, I couldn’t blame her... Not after hurting her, the way I had.

  I clenched my fists at my sides, trying to stop the memories from that day from flooding back into my head. I still remembered the day that I ended both of us. It was a day that was so firmly etched in my mind, I didn’t think it would ever leave me.

  “You said you loved me!” I could see the steady stream of tears as they slipped from her eyes, and down her perfect creamy white cheeks. My teeth ground together as I reminded myself further, why things needed to be this way. In the end, it would be for the best. When I enlisted, I never expected to sign up for infantry, but now that I knew that was what I was doing and I had made a commitment to the Army, I couldn’t leave Mia behind. I couldn’t leave her worrying about me at every turn. She deserved better than that, but of course, she didn’t see it that way.

  “I do love you. I love you with my entire fucking heart! I love you so much. That’s why I’m letting you go….” My voice cracked and the beating muscle in my chest ached as it tried to pump blood throughout my body. I wasn’t just breaking Mia’s heart. I was breaking my own too.

  “You don’t love me!” She growled, pulling her hand back, and landing a hard slap against my cheek.

  The pain of her smack stung, but not nearly as bad as the pain that would linger with me for the rest of my life for hurting her this way. She sucked in a breath and I was positive she was on the verge of an anxiety attack. I despised seeing her in this kind of pain, but it was for the best. Couldn’t she see that?

  “Calm down Mia. Breathe, please breathe…” I begged, and pleaded with her, but she refused to meet my eyes until I reached for her. My fingers grazed her cheek as she pulled away from me, and took a deafening step back from me. This was the end, this was what I wanted, wasn’t it?

  “I hate you, Jake. I hate you.” Those words hit me in the stomach like a fist. Hearing the woman, you loved more than your next breath in so much pain, telling you how much she hated your guts was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. It was sickening.

  And there was nothing I could do. I stood there, unable to do anything to make it better. The rage in her eyes reflected back at me, but it was more than rage that I saw as I stared into her beautiful eyes. Sadness like I had never seen before lingered beneath the rage. I couldn’t take back the words I had spoken or the contract with the United States government that I had signed. I was a member of the Army for the next four years. If I survived the next four years…

  Donovan’s voice filtered into the bathroom pulling me from my shitty memories. “Hurry it up, asshole…” I heard him mumble against the bathroom door. Shit. I had to roll.

  I killed the water having rinsed all the suds off. I grabbed the towel and dried off my hair before wrapping the towel around my midsection. I opened the bathroom door and escaped out into the hall, heading in the direction of the bedroom that Mia’s parents had offered me.

  “You’re letting him live here?” I knew that voice, and I also knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of her anger.

  “It’s been four years since he left Mia. Let it go. Maybe try and become friends with him instead?” Jen sounded just as upset as Mia was.

  I had asked Donovan if I could stay with him for a few weeks until I got my own place, but shit hit the fan with that real fast when his fiancé found out, so he got his parents to agree to me staying there. I was praying that I could get out of there before Mia discovered we were almost living under the same roof.

  Almost.

  “He broke my heart. He destroyed me. Why does no one in this family realize that…? Instead, he just shows back up, as if he did nothing wrong and you all praise him like some knight in shining armor,” she aspirated, her words filling with more and more venom as she spoke.

  I licked my lips, as my cock grew stiff against the fabric of the towel. She had no idea how much I loved her dirty mouth. She always said exactly how she felt, and when she felt it. I responded to that mostly because I’d always been the same way. That was probably one of the reasons we clicked so well.

  “For Pete’s sake, let it go Mia. You’re twenty-two now. If you aren’t going to do it for yourself, at least do it for Lola.”

  My entire body froze up that second. I hadn’t forgotten that Mia had a daughter; it just enraged me knowing that some asshole got her knocked up and walked away from her like that. If I’d had a kid on the way, I never would have left Mia. No way. A man just didn’t do that.

  Lola deserved a good dad, and Mia deserved a man who knew how to take care of her in more than one way.

  “I’m done with this conversation mother!” Mia sounded frustrated.

  I hated that I was the cause for all her current problems. Had I just stayed away, maybe she would be having a better day? I’d stirred up so much pain and resentment in her, which was the last thing I ever wanted to do. She would probably never forgive me and she would never believe no matter how much I tried to explain it to her, but I hated to see her in any kind of pain. And everything I’d done was to try to spare her any more pain. How did I fuck it up so badly?

  “Hi!” A tiny voice met my ears.

  I dropped my attention to the little girl that had magically appeared in front of me. Lola. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She looked so much like her mother that it hurt me just looking at her. “Hi! What’s your name?” I asked cheerily, momentarily forgetting that I should probably go and change since I was only wearing a towel.

  “Lola. What’s yours?” She shot right back, her big blue eyes twinkling with amusement. She looked like sunshine and radiated happiness.

  I wanted her to be mine instead of some other asshole’s child right then and there. I’d never thought much about having kids, at least not at that point in my life, but it was utterly heartbreaking knowing that this amazing little girl was not mine, but she belonged to the woman I loved. It just wasn’t the way things were supposed to be.

  “I’m Jake. I’m your mommy’s friend,” I added the last bit, hoping if Lola liked me then maybe she would ask her mom to bring her to see me more.

  “Lola Jean, get over—” Mia’s voice stopped mid-sentence as I lifted my eyes from her beautiful daughter and to her.

  “Mommy this is Jake…. He wants to be my friend…”

  I smiled down at Lola who was twirling a long strand of her dark brown hair around one of her fingers.

  “That’s great sweetheart. How about you let mommy have a nice talk with Jake,
while you go find Uncle Dom.” Mia hid her anger from her daughter really well. I would give her that.

  “Uncle Dom…” Lola bellowed as she ran in the direction of the kitchen leaving Mia and myself in the hallway of her old house.

  “It’s one thing to fuck with me, but an entirely different thing to fuck with my daughter…” Mia snarled.

  I could feel my cock growing harder as her rage spilled out of her sweet mouth. She had no idea how beautiful she was when she was angry. It had always turned me on. In fact, some of our best sex had been when she was completely pissed at me. “I didn’t do anything Mia, and plus I would never hurt Lola. She’s an extension of you, which means I love her without having a need to know her…” I confessed holding my towel tightly in place, even though I wanted to let it slip to the ground.

  Mia leaned into my body, her eyes roaming over my muscled chest far longer than acceptable. “If you’re smart Jake, then you’ll leave me and my family alone. You walked away from all of this a while ago, so don’t act like you can just waltz back into my life like you didn’t do anything wrong. You aren’t a knight Jake. You’re an asshole with a nice body and face. An asshole that I, unfortunately, fell for…”

  I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped my lips. She could say whatever she wanted to. I would take every insult with a smile on my face because I knew I hurt her, but I refused to listen to her tell me I never loved her. I refused to let her act like she was nothing but a piece of meat to me. She would never be just a fuck buddy; she would never just be some notch on my bed post.

  She was Mia. Mine.

  “Think whatever you want about me baby, hell, say whatever you want about me. Call me every damn name under the sun…” I snarled, leaning into her face, inhaling her sweet scent. This did nothing to calm my erratic heartbeat. “But don’t assume for one second that I never loved you. I did the only thing I could do, and I’m going to spend every fucking day for the rest of my life trying to win you back, because you’re it for me, Mia. You’re mine…” The words poured from me and as Mia’s face fell, so did my heart. She didn’t believe me anymore. She didn’t trust me anymore and that was yet another thing I would have to fix to bring her back to me again.

  “Just leave me and my daughter alone… and put some clothes on…” She spoke, her voice weak as she walked away from me and down the hall.

  I shook my head, causing droplets of water to cascade across my skin. The fact she had told me to put on a shirt let me know everything I needed to know…

  She was most definitely still attracted to me.

  Chapter Three

  Mia

  My insides churned as the tears I refused to let fall burned behind my eyes. The rehearsal dinner went off without a hitch and as I said my goodbyes to everyone with Lola in tow, I could feel his eyes on me. It was like he was burning a hole right through the center of me. How did he just know every beautiful thing to say that just pushed my buttons just right? He had my number down and he knew it. No matter how hard I tried, deep down inside I just couldn’t truly hate him.

  How was I going to get through this with him living a mere few feet away from me? My breathing was coming out in pants now. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of a nervous breakdown. It was one thing to see him at the shop, but here he was living in my parents’ house. And no one bothered to tell me. I was so furious I could hardly see straight.

  It was going to be ok. I just couldn’t let him win. I was not the same naïve girl whose heart he’d broken four years ago. I was a woman. I was a mother. And I wanted no part of anything he had going.

  I just needed to get Lola and me inside the house and lock the door. I could cry later, but now—now I just needed to get away from him because my emotions were all out of sorts with him there.

  “Welcome back Jakey…” Sofia purred in his ear as she placed a well-manicured hand on his shoulder. I dug my nails deep into the flesh of my palm telling myself that it didn’t matter to me if he was with her, after all he wasn’t mine.

  “Thanks, Sofia, it’s nice to be back home,” Jake replied. ” He didn’t bat his eyes at her, or even seem to be interested in conversing with her.

  “Momma, I want another cupcake!” Lola pleaded, giving me her best puppy dog eyes. She had no idea how much she resembled her father.

  I quickly shifted my attention from Jake and the town slut, to my sweet daughter. “No sweetheart. We’ve got to go get ready for bed because we’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow…” I bent down so that I could cradle her sweet face in my hands. Every day that Jake was gone, she became my steady reminder of him and though I loved her with all my heart, the fact that she looked identical to him and not me, irked me a bit. I couldn’t lie about that.

  “Please, Momma…” She pouted and all I could do was smile as I pulled her into my chest. She was the sweetest little girl in the entire world.

  “No sweetie, it’s time for bed.” I willed myself to stay strong against her big blue eyes and instead plucked her up off the ground and headed in the direction of our two-story house that we rented from my parents.

  Forcing myself not to look back at Jake, I walked in the direction of the house, my sandal’s slapping against the rocky trail.

  “Leaving so early?” Jake’s deep voice met my ears, causing my steps to flaunter.

  I swiveled around on my heels, coming face to face with him once again. We had to stop meeting like this. “Lola needs to get ready for bed, and I’m exhausted so yes we’re leaving so early…” I mocked his tone that he had used just moments ago. My body was humming with need, need that it wouldn’t be getting anytime soon.

  “You’re mommy’s friend…” Lola beamed, smiling up at Jake like he was the knight in shining armor she assumed him to be.

  Jake looked down at her with so much care, that I almost forgot for a second how badly he had hurt me. “I sure am… and I’m going to walk you and your pretty mommy up to the house,” Jake spoke so softly like he was telling her a bedtime story. Jake seemed to be good with kids. Although, he was a naturally charismatic person. He was just so likeable to anyone who ever met him. He could have had a wonderful career as a used car salesman.

  Lola wasn’t immune to her father’s charms, but I most definitely was and I wasn’t going to have him weasel his way into mine, and Lola’s life again. “Here sweetie, how about you walk the rest of the way up to the house, get your PJ’s out, and pick out a book.” I released her, placing her feet on the ground.

  Her brow furrowed and she stared at me as if to say no, only to turn around, and run in the direction of the house.

  As soon as she was out of sight, I turned on Jake, feeling the heat of his body wash over me in waves.

  Must resist his charming ways. Must resist… I repeated the phrase in my mind like a mantra. No matter how angry I got with him I could never shut off the damn attraction I felt for him. He was so close to me then and he looked so perfect. The way he smelled, the way he was so sweet to Lola, and the warm look in his sexy eyes that masked the devil beneath the charm was almost too much for me to take. I very nearly grabbed him by the face and kissed him hard right there. Where that level of restraint came from inside of me, I had no idea.

  “I refuse to let you hurt her like you hurt me!” I growled in his face.

  The look of shock on his face was gone in an instant, but that instant was so gratifying to me. I had yearned for that kind of power for so long. My courage emboldened me and I poked my finger into his chest, trying to get that one single point through to him somehow. Jake was the kind of guy who only really responded to force.

  But unfortunately, he could muster force in return that was unequalled.

  “Hurt her? I’m not a monster Mia. It’s not like I went out of my way to hurt you. I don’t know how much clearer I can make that. I mean, it’s not like it didn’t hurt me too…” He narrowed his eyes at me, the blue of them darkening while the green seemed to grow lighter.

  “She
’s my daughter! I growled, wanting that to be something he understood since he seemed to find a way to get into every single aspect of my life now that he was back in town. How he had accomplished to insinuate himself into my world so quickly and turn my life upside down like some tornado falling out of the sky with no warning whatsoever blew my mind. It still just didn’t seem real.

  “I know that,” Jake said softly. He leaned down, brushing a few strands of hair that had slipped out from behind my ear back into place.

  I couldn’t breathe with him this close to me. Every breath I inhaled was full of his woodsy, almost musky scent. He smelt like nature, the trees, and grass. He was home, and my heart and body knew it.

  I paused for a moment. I shook my head violently as I responded.

  “Obviously not,” I snapped, coming out of the trance he had put me in.

  The side of his lips pulled up in a smile that told me he knew what he was doing. God, didn’t he ever get tired of playing so many stupid games? I’d often wondered if he was even aware that he did it. It was quite possible that he was such a master of manipulation that he wasn’t even aware of it.

  “Giving in would be so much easier Mia. All I want is to talk,” Jake said.

  His thumb slid across the side of my cheek sending a shock wave of emotions through me. My body was trembling with need that I refused to give in to. His touch was magnetic. It was electric when his skin brushed against mine. How could he have so much control over me?

  I wanted him so badly. He was wearing me down. I could feel it. God, did I want to give into him like I had before, possibly even more now than I ever had before, but I wasn’t dumb, and I knew nothing good would come from it. Hell, just talking to him was damn stupid.

  “I don’t want to talk to your cock, Jake. I’ve got enough going on in my life right now. Plus, Lola is number one when it comes to everything and I won’t be making a choice I might regret later on, especially one that could have ill effects on both of us.” I was so over explaining this to him. All I wanted was for him to go away and leave me, and my daughter, alone.