Diaries of a Heartbroken Duchess: A Historical Regency Romance Collection

by Hamilton, Hanna

  “Yes, I understand, and I’m sorry to present myself like this to you. I realize I’m not helping my cause when I’m like this.”

  “Daniel, why don’t you go to Portsmouth and see your friend? If that is something you really want to do, then move forward. It will help calm you to have a solid vision for the future. Then, when you return, report your decision to me, and we can evaluate what our future might be together.” She tried to look him in the eyes, as his head was lowered. “Does that sound sensible to you?”

  He looked at her calmly. “Yes, it does. Thank you, Susan—it has helped me greatly to speak with you. You give me hope.”

  Chapter 27

  “Well, here we are,” John said, standing with Susan and Simon before what would become the schoolhouse. John was holding a set of plans he’d had drawn up for the work to be done. He handed them to Simon.

  “They’re yours now. Are you ready to begin the renovation?”

  “I’ve been to the village and I’ve recruited some men to do the work. I asked them to start today. They should be here any moment.”

  “Any estimate on how long it might take?” Susan asked.

  “Maybe three months,” Simon replied.

  “Will that be enough time for you to get the school outfitted and set up before we open the school’s doors next autumn?” John asked Susan.

  “Should be enough time,” she said.

  Simon rubbed his face. “I ah… well, I was wanting to ask… Fitz asked me to inquire if you might consider her for a teaching position.”

  Susan and John looked at each other.

  “Fitz wants to teach at the school?” Susan asked in disbelief.

  “She does. She wants to keep busy. She wants to be of use to the family and she wants to be near me.”

  “Does she have any experience as a teacher?” John asked.

  Simon shook his head. “No. But she’s willing to learn. And Susan, you said you have a new method of teaching. What other teachers could you find that could teach your new way without training them. Couldn’t you train her just as well?”

  “But it takes more than just training to be a good teacher. There needs to be an affinity with children. It requires patience and caring, and understanding. Do you honestly believe Fitz has those qualities?” Susan asked a little harshly.

  Simon hung his head. “Perhaps she could develop them,” he suggested hopefully.

  “Simon, those are innate qualities, not just something you can easily develop.”

  “Please, at least give her a try. There’s time before the school opens. Let her work with you and see if she can be of service. If not, let me know and I promise to redirect her. But please, give her a chance.”

  John turned to Susan. “What do you think? Can we give her a chance to prove herself?”

  Susan sighed. “Very well, I’ll speak to her, and sound her out. If I see any possibility at all, I’ll give her a chance.”

  “That’s all I ask,” Simon said gratefully.

  Susan saw a number of men approaching. “Are those your workers?

  “They are,” Simon said waving to the men to join them.

  “Then let’s get started,” John said. “Susan, you want to say a few words to the men?”

  “I’d like to.”

  As the workers arrived, Simon gathered them together and turned to Susan. “You have something to say?”

  Susan stood on the steps of the house and said, “I hope you are all as excited as I am to begin work on your new school. I know you’ve all been anxiously waiting a long time for this, and now the time has come. His Grace, Mr. Simon Chamberlain, and I are all committed to making this school the very best possible for your children, and come next autumn these doors will open and a new era for you and your children will begin. I wish you all the very best in your work on renovating this building. And if you or your families have any concerns or suggestions about the school, please let me know. And I thank each and every one of you for your help in making this dream a reality.”

  After the speech, Simon took the workers inside to start work. Susan was about to follow, but John stopped her by taking hold of her arm.

  “I’m so sorry about my reaction the other day. I was so surprised and shocked by your news of Daniel. Please forgive me. I don’t want to rush or pressure you into making a decision.”

  Susan looked at him gratefully. “Thank you. I appreciate your consideration.”

  “Dare I ask if you are near a decision yet?”

  “I should tell you, Daniel was agitated when came to see me again the other day. He has been suffering from the shock of his misadventure and was trying to elicit a promise of marriage from me right away.”

  “And?”

  “I suggested he visit his friend who makes the boats. He needs to focus on other aspects of his future first.”

  John smiled, squeezed her arm and kissed her forehead.

  “Just know I love you.”

  * * *

  Simon sought out Fitz in her room. He knocked.

  “Yes?” she answered.

  He entered, smiling and bundled up to go outside. She was seated on a loveseat.

  “Oh, I thought you were the maid bringing my laundry. Good morning, Simon. Are you going out?” she asked.

  “I am and I thought you might wish to join me.”

  “I’m not all that partial to walking,” she answered. “Particularly on such a cold and dreary day. It looks as though it could snow at any moment.”

  “But this is no ordinary walk. I’m going on a hunt for a Christmas tree for the house.”

  “Christmas? My, is it that time already?”

  “And you’ll be spending Christmas with us, will you not?”

  She lowered her eyes. “If I’m still welcome.”

  “Of course, you are. And there’s something I’d like to talk to you about if you please.”

  Fitz inclined her head. “Now?”

  “On the walk. We shan’t be interrupted.”

  Fitz seemed to sense a moment of import and her face lit up. “Well, if you insist, I might make an exception.”

  * * *

  Simon and Fitz had walked a long way to a wooded area accompanied by nothing but chit chat. Fitz sensed that Simon had something to say but suspected he was nervous.

  “How are you to cut a Christmas tree if you have no implement with which to cut it down?” Fitz asked, feeling the cold and longing to get back to the cozy fire in her rooms.

  “I’ll just mark it. We have staff to cut it and bring it to the house.” He stood in the middle of the trees and looked around. “I seem to remember there’s a nice stand of evergreens not far from here. That’s where we’ll look for our tree.”

  He started walking again.

  Fitz was becoming exasperated. This was not turning out to be the conversation she was hoping for. But she trudged along behind him, realizing her shoes were not meant for walking through forests.

  “Simon?” she finally asked a little testily. “You said you wanted to talk to me about something important. But so far you’ve only rattled on about horses and Christmas trees. Is there nothing else?”

  Simon stopped and looked at her nervously. “There is, but let’s find the tree first, shall we?”

  Fitz sighed and followed, winding the scarf another turn around her neck.

  Simon came to the evergreen grove and looked up, surveying a number of tall trees.

  “That one.” He pointed to a nicely proportioned tree. He pulled out a red ribbon from his pocket and tied it to a branch. “There—we’re done. Let’s get you back. You look cold.”

  Fitz gave him a searing look. “Why ever would you think that?”

  Simon took her arm and led her through the woods without speaking. But once they reached the path back to the house he turned to her. He placed his hand on her arm and smiled.

  “Fiona, you know I care for you a great deal.”

  “And I for you, Simon,” she said de
murely, but she was wildly excited. Finally… she thought. Now get on with it.

  “And I’ve wanted to take our relationship to the next level, but I’ve been terrified to ask you.”

  Fitz stopped and looked at him directly. “But why? You have nothing to fear from me.”

  “Fiona, a woman of your stature deserves the very best, most accomplished husband—a man with wealth and title. I’m none of those things. I have a terrible history as a wastrel and a thief. I’ll have the most modest living and I have no title. I’m only the second son of a Duke.”

  Fitz smiled at him, and shook her head, “Those things don’t matter to me. It’s what’s in a man’s heart that counts.”

  She was suddenly filled with a rush of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, she was greatly relieved to anticipate becoming engaged. But, on the other hand, all of her dreams of titled wealth were shattering down around her. There would be no title, no London townhouse, no vast fortune at her disposal. But then another feeling swept over her—gratitude. Simon cared for her and, to her surprise, she cared for him. If she accepted him, the search would be over. She could relax. She would actually have a real life, free from the anxiety that had plagued her through all these past years of desperation.

  “Then will you be my wife, Fiona Fitzwilliam? Will you have me?”

  “Yes, Simon, I will.” And she started to cry like she’d never cried before.

  * * *

  Susan needed to go into town for some shopping for herself and for Elizabeth. She could have gone to Preston, but she decided to go to Ash and make a quick visit to her parents and Katherine. Daniel had dropped her a note saying he was leaving for Portsmouth for a few days and she didn’t expect him to be there.

  She wanted to get her shopping out of the way first and visited the stores she needed before heading over to see Katherine. And much to her surprise, Daniel answered the door.

  “Susan…” he exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “I thought you would be in Portsmouth,” she replied. “I was on a shopping excursion and came by to see Katherine.”

  “And you found me instead,” he said somewhat bitterly.

  Daniel was even more disheveled than when she saw him last time. It looked like he’d not shaven for a week. His hair was now growing down over his ears, and his eyes were bloodshot.

  “Daniel, are you alright? You don’t look too well.”

  “I’m fine. I’m fine. Come inside.”

  As he led her down the hallway, he said, “Katherine and mother are out. But I’m happy you’re here. We can have a moment alone.”

  They went to the sitting room where there was a cherry fire.

  “Can I get you anything?” he asked, as she sat.

  “No, thank you.”

  He sat opposite her.

  “Why are you not in Portsmouth? Your note said…”

  “I know what my note said,” he said, becoming agitated. “But I decided not to go.”

  “Daniel? What’s wrong with you? You look terrible.”

  He got up and began to pace.

  “I don’t know,” he said rubbing his forehead. “I get these mood swings and terrible headaches. I can’t concentrate and sometimes I get so sad, all I want to do is cry. What’s wrong with me, Susan?” He turned to her with a pleading look.

  She became a little frightened. “Daniel. It must be the trauma of your near death.”

  He began pacing again. “It’s like I’m in this body and I can’t escape. I want to tear my face off sometimes. And I feel like I can’t get a proper breath.”

  “Daniel, have you seen your doctor?”

  “No. No doctors. No doctors. I can’t…” Then he turned back to her suddenly with a ferociousness. He came over and kneeled before her and took her hands.

  “Susan. Susan, I need you. You can help me. I know you can. Marry me. Please marry me. Be my wife, and we can go off to Portsmouth and live a very happy life. I know we can. Will you?”

  Susan took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She put her hand on top of Daniel’s. It was clear. She knew what she had to say.

  “No, Daniel. I can’t marry you. You’re in no condition for marriage.”

  He squeezed her hands tightly. “But I will be. Susan, please don’t abandon me. I couldn’t bear that.”

  “Daniel, I have another life now. I cannot leave Elizabeth—my charge. And I have to be honest and say that I care deeply for her father, John Chamberlain.”

  “Ah… the Duke. Of course. You want to marry a Duke. What do I have to offer compared to a Duke? That’s all you care about, isn’t it?”

  Daniel stood up and began pacing again, his hands pressing against either side of his head.

  Susan was frightened for herself, but mostly for Daniel. She stood. She felt he was in a dangerous state and didn’t want to leave him until his family returned.

  “Daniel, where has Katherine gone? I need to find her. She needs to be here with you.”

  “I don’t know.”

  There was nothing to do but go to his father’s shop and fetch his father, but as she was leaving Katherine came in the front door.

  “Susan? You’re here?” Katherine asked.

  “Oh, Katherine, I’m so happy to see you. It’s Daniel…”

  Katherine gave her a panicked look. “I know. I’m so sorry Susan. I was going to write you.”

  They rushed to the sitting room and Daniel was seated on the floor, leaning against a wall with his head in his hands rocking.

  Katherine went over to him and held him. Then she looked up at Susan.

  “I’m so sorry. But he’s in no state. You’ll need to let him go.”

  * * *

  Susan was deeply sad as she took her morning walk the morning after her troubled encounter with Daniel. Was she wrong to abandon him in his time of need? But again, would her marrying him have truly helped him? Or would it have not only complicated his life but caused her to ruin her own future and that of Elizabeth and John? She might never have a satisfactory answer to that question.

  A chill breeze had picked up and she cut her walk short and started back toward the house.

  At the place where two paths joined, she saw John approaching along the other path

  “Good Morning,” she said as he joined her.

  “Susan, we missed you at supper last evening. Were you not feeling well?” he asked, as he took her arm as they walked.

  “No, I’d gone to Ash for some shopping.”

  “And did you visit your parents?”

  “I intended to but I was delayed. And that is why I wasn’t at supper.”

  “Ah… Nothing serious, I hope,” he said as he stole at a glance at Susan.

  Susan didn’t respond immediately but finally said, “John, I needed to break off my attachment to Daniel,” she said simply.

  “Oh…” he said in surprise.

  “Daniel is not well, and is in no condition to move forward with his life right now.”

  John stopped and turned to her. “That is certainly sad news. Will he recover?”

  “It’s not a physical ailment, John.”

  John was silent as he contemplated the implications.

  “Is it insensitive of me to ask if that means you are free of your obligations to Daniel?

  “Yes, John, I’m free.”

  “And do you still have feelings for him?”

  “I feel sad. I feel compassion, but I no longer have romantic feelings for him. And, if truth be told, I believe they began disappearing after I began to know the fine man you are.”

  John’s face lit up with a broad smile.

  “Oh, Susan…” He took both of her hands. “Then is it too soon to think that you might consider becoming my wife?”

  Susan suddenly felt a wave of peace and serenity wash over her and she nestled her head on John’s chest. “No, John, it’s not too soon, but you know I have no rank or title, and only the most modest living that I can bring to
the marriage. Isn’t one in your position expected to marry much better than the daughter of a lowly squire?”

  “Susan, do you think so little of me that you might imagine any of that matters to me one whit?”