She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  I look up at my brother, my twin, the one person I tell everything to. “I’m pregnant.”

  He stumbles back, his hand covering his mouth then scrubbing it over his face. “That fucker.” He growls and storms out of the room faster than I ever thought someone who was in a car crash just yesterday could.

  I race after him, along with Avery.

  “You fucking asshole! You think you can knock my sister up and leave her to bring the kid up on her own?” Lennon has Tristan pinned to his bed, fist up high, ready to connect with his face. “I thought you were different! I can’t believe I ever thought you would be good enough for my sister! You’re a fucking dog. A worthless deadbeat asshole of a father!” Aiden isn’t fast enough to stop Lennon’s fist from connecting with Tristan’s face.

  “Lennon!” Avery screeches, rushing to get my brother to calm down. My breathing quickens, my chest rising and falling in quick succession, my heart beating faster than normal. I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I can’t get enough air into my lungs and the room starts to spin.

  “She’s pregnant, Lennon! She fucked another guy and wants to play happy families with me!” Tristan shouts.

  Is that what he thinks? That the baby isn’t his?

  “You’re a fucking idiot, Tristan!” Lennon shakes his head. I have to place my hand on the wall beside me to steady myself when I stagger a little. “The baby is yours, asshole!”

  “What the fuck is going on?” a male authoritative voice booms. “Lillia? Sweetheart, are you alright?” I look to see worried blue eyes, the same eyes as Tristan’s, only older. He places his hand on my back, rubbing circles, trying to calm me. It’s not working.

  “I don’t feel too good.” My eyes roll back and I fall into Mr. Hunt’s arms.

  “This is your fault, you know that, right?” Lennon growls.

  “My fault? You’re the one who went fucking crazy on me and tried to beat me!” Tristan snaps back.

  “Enough!” Avery shouts. “Lillia fainted because the two men she loves most in this world are fighting. One went psycho and the other is thinking the worst in her.”

  I open my eyes and look around the room. I’m still in Tristan’s room on the sofa, opposite Tristan’s intense stare.

  “Lillia, sweetheart. You gave us all a mighty big fright.” Mr. Hunt hands me a glass of water.

  “I’m sorry.” I sip the water.

  “I want to take you to get an ultrasound,” the nurse says, taking my blood pressure. “Your blood pressure is too low. When was the last time you ate?”

  I frown, trying to think when was the last time I had something other than a banana.

  “Lillia?” Aiden urges.

  “Um… I don’t know. Thursday? Maybe?”

  The nurse looks at me, horrified. “Today is Monday. You have to eat in your condition! I’ll go get you a sandwich.”

  “Seriously, Lillia? Four days?” Lennon sighs, sitting next to me. I look down at the cup of water.

  “I couldn’t keep anything down. So… I just stopped trying.” I sniff.

  “I’m going to be a grandpa?” I look up to see Mr. Hunt smiling down at me. I risk a glance at Tristan but regret it. His burning gaze cuts through me like he wished he never met me. I nod. “If you need anything, and I mean anything. You just call me, day or night.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Lillia, what the hell?” Luke rushes towards me. “Are you okay? The baby?”

  “You knew?” I don’t miss the hurt in Lennon's voice.

  “Only because she let it slip when we said goodbye to Mom and Dad.” Luke glares at him.

  “What?” Tristan asks.

  “Shit.” Aiden curses. “Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy died on impact.”

  “But the doctor said Mr. Hunt pulled me out of the car.” His brow creases in confusion.

  “Lennon saved you, son.”

  “I should have fucking left you.” I elbow Lennon in the ribs, causing him to groan.

  “Miss Kennedy? We can take you to the ultrasound now.” The same nurse comes in with a wheelchair and a sandwich for me.

  “I can walk.” I decline the chair but gladly take the sandwich, suddenly hungry.

  “Stop being so fucking stubborn.” I expected this to come from Lennon, but it comes from Tristan, who’s being helped into a wheelchair by Aiden and his dad.

  “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Lennon stands beside me.

  “Going to see my child.”

  “Like hell you are. It was only a few hours ago you didn’t believe it was yours!”

  “Lennon.” I groan. I really don’t need this. “Please.” I place my hand on his arm and his eyes bore into me. I look up to my overprotective brother and nod.

  “Fine. You better get on your knees and beg for her forgiveness.” He points a finger at Tristan. In all our times together, I’ve never seen Lennon go at Tristan like he is right now. It kind of scares me.

  I turn to Avery. “Will you come with me too?” I know she’s probably hurt that I didn’t tell her about the baby. I’m hoping she’ll come with me, see her niece or nephew, and forgive me. She nods.

  The elevator ride was so tense you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. I caught Tristan staring at me a few times, not caring if he had been caught or not. Sitting in the waiting room, I can still feel the heaviness of his stare. I look down at my knotted fingers and pull at the loose thread of my old Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt my Dad had bought me from one of their concerts he took me to. He took me begrudgingly, but he would have done anything to see his little girl happy. Tears form in my eyes when I think about my baby not knowing how loving and caring their grandparents were. They would be all over this baby; it would be suffocating. I used to shoot my mom down whenever she mentioned me having children. I used to joke and say hell would freeze over before I had a child. The sadness in her eyes from knowing I wasn’t planning on having kids anytime soon twists my heart. It’s not like I didn’t want kids, it was the fact that there was no man other than Tristan I wanted to have children with. A tear drops from my eye and splashes on my hands. I lift my hand quickly to wipe the tears from my eyes before anyone notices. It’s too late. A hand comes into view and grabs the one left on my lap. I look up and see Tristan has moved his chair to sit by me, staring ahead, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. I look at his handsome face and my gut twists when his words come back to me. She fucked another guy and wants to play happy families with me! I snatch my hand from his, causing his eyes to snap to meet mine. I hope he can feel every lick of the flames coming from my eyes right now. He opens his mouth to say something but he’s interrupted by a young nurse.

  “Miss Lillia Kennedy?” She smiles, looking around the room. I lift my hand and stand. “Come through. The OB-GYN will be with you in five minutes.” I follow her through, with Avery pushing Tristan behind me. Walking into the room, the nurse places a clipboard on the end of the bed. “If you could remove your pants and underwear then sit on this bed with the towel covering you, the OB-GYN shouldn’t be too much longer.” She closes the curtain, shutting out Avery and Tristan. I sit on the bed and let out a silent sob, my hand covering my mouth, trying in vain to muffle the sound of my heartbreak.

  “Are you okay in there?” Avery asks.

  I take a breath and reply to her. “Yes.”

  I lay back and cover myself with the towel just as the doctor walks in. “Miss Kennedy, is it okay to come in?” a gentle male voice asks through the curtain.

  “Yes.”

  “Hi. I’m Dr. Sharp.” He holds out his hand for me to shake. He’s handsome. Tall, dark skin like milk chocolate, eyes the color of caramel, muscular, like he works out seven days a week. Taking his hand in mine, I shake it.

  “I thought ultrasounds were the gel on the stomach,” Tristan snaps, glaring at the doctor. I roll my eyes at him.

  “Normally, but with Miss Kennedy’s history, we need to make sure the placenta and cervix are still intact,” Dr. Sh
arp explains. I feel the questioning stares coming from both Tristan and Avery. I’ll tell them later.

  “History? What history?” Tristan asks.

  Or not.

  “I had a bleed about a week after I found out I was pregnant. There was a lot of blood. I thought I was losing the baby,” I explain quietly, not looking at anyone.

  “Oh, Lillia. Why didn’t you call?” Avery comes to my side, putting her arm around me, pulling me to her chest and kissing my head while the doctor gets the probe ready. “You went through that all on your own?”

  I nod, not trusting my voice. Being reminded of it today brings back all the feelings I felt that day. It’s a feeling I don’t want to feel ever again.

  “Okay, Miss Kennedy. Can you place your legs in the stirrups and relax as much as you can.” I do my breathing techniques my mom taught me to do before an exam or when I had a panic attack. I close my eyes, picture her face, and hear her voice coaching me. In. Out. In. Out.Until I hear it. Thud, thud, thud. My baby’s heartbeat.

  “Oh my God,” Avery breathes. I open my eyes and look at the screen to see a grainy black and gray picture of my baby. My baby and Tristan’s. I risk a look at him; he’s sitting in his wheelchair, staring at the screen with tears in his eyes.

  “I can see that you’re about twenty weeks along. Baby is a healthy size, growing nicely. Everything looks good,” the doctor says as he does the final checks. “Would you like a picture?”

  “Please,” I reply hoarsely.

  He removes the wand and gives me a tissue to clean up, telling me he’ll wait in his office for me to make another appointment and get a prescription for more prenatal vitamins.

  Walking through, I sit and listen to Dr. Sharp telling me how important it is that I eat regularly. “You need to rest up as much as you can and eat at least three meals a day. I’ll see you in four weeks, but if you have any problems, don’t hesitate to call me.” He smiles gently, handing me his card. Tristan clenches his fist, his knuckles turning white.

  “Thank you, Dr. Sharp.” I smile.

  The elevator back down to Tristan’s room where everyone is waiting was just as excruciating as the ride up. Tristan has been quiet the whole time, even as we return to his room. He doesn’t even look at me.

  I can’t stand the tension anymore and I turn to my older brother, who, with everyone else, is cooing over the sonogram picture. “Luke, can you take me home?” My voice almost cracks at the last word. His smile falters when he looks at me, glancing over my shoulder to Tristan who has lay in bed staring at nothing since we came back. He nods.

  “Let me go and say goodbye to Lucy and I’ll be with you.” He bends down and kisses the top of my head. He heads out. I’ll question him about her later.

  “I’ll walk you out.” Mr. Hunt smiles gently. I take one last look at Tristan after saying my goodbyes to everyone. My vision blurs. I sigh and hang my head when I don’t get even a glance in my direction. I walk out with Mr. Hunt hot on my heels.

  “He’s just shocked.” Mr. Hunt breaks the silence while we wait on Luke. “He’s not a bad guy, Lillia. You know he’s not.”

  I look to an older version of Tristan and scoff. “I know he’s not. But sometimes I feel he has no regard for my feelings when he says or does things.”

  “But you love him, right?”

  “More than I love myself,” I whisper.

  “He loves you, Lillia. He just doesn’t know what to do with the feeling. His mother…” He pauses like he’s trying to find words to describe his ex-wife. “…His mother wasn’t the most loving woman. She never showed any love towards Tristan. All her love was for Aiden.”

  My brow creases. How can a mother love one child more than the other?

  “I’m yet to find out that myself.” I hadn’t realized I had said that out loud. “Just give him time, Lillia. I’ll talk to him.” He kisses my cheek and turns on his heel to walk back inside.

  “Mr. Hunt.” I stop him. I throw my arms around him and hug him tightly. “Thank you.” I don’t know why I’m thanking him. Thanking him for loving Tristan when his mother didn’t? Thanking him for talking to Tristan? Who knows, but I’m thankful that Tristan and Aiden have at least one loving parent.

  “Do you want a drink or anything to eat?” Luke asks when we walk into our childhood home. I shake my head.

  “I just want to get some sleep.”

  He nods and pulls me in for a hug. “I’m proud of you, Bug.” He praises me using the nickname only he uses. “Mom and Dad would be too.” I try to keep my emotions in check and just nod my head against his strong chest. “I’ll have your breakfast ready for you and we’ll pick Lennon up at the hospital and have a day for just the three of us. How does that sound?”

  “I’d like that,” I whisper. He kisses my head and wishes me goodnight.

  Once up in my room, I sit on my bed. I take out the sonogram picture and a sad smile plays on my mouth. All thoughts of Tristan come to the forefront of my mind and I break down, hugging the picture to my chest.

  I love him so damn much it hurts. The tears roll down my cheeks as I cry myself to sleep.

  Luke cooked up a storm this morning for my breakfast. You would be able to feed a small army with the amount of food he had on the table for me. Eggs, bacon, pancakes and syrup, and about ten different varieties of cereals. I threw up most of it, but I loved that he cared to put that much on for me. We picked up Lennon about an hour ago, and Luke went out to get me some ice cream and Twizzlers. He hasn’t stopped talking about how much of an asshole Tristan is and how he would have kicked his ass had they not been in that car accident.

  “Lennon, please. My child almost lost their father before I got the chance to tell him about him.” I sigh, but he keeps chirping on about it.

  “How long are you going to keep protecting him, Lillia?” Lennon asks as I sit looking out onto our backyard, trying in vain to drown him out. The same backyard where dad trained me for my running competitions, where Dad would play football with Luke, Lennon, Tristan, and Aiden while Mom and I would dance around the kitchen and bake cookies for them. “He's done nothing but break your heart every day since we moved to this house. I kind of wish we never moved and we stayed with Grandma.” He sighs, sitting next to me. I often wish the same thing, but then I wouldn't have found Tristan and I wouldn't have this baby inside me that I love so much already. “Lils, look at how he's made you feel and you only spoke to him for about ten minutes.” I don't answer him or look in his direction because I know he's right. Everyone from back home in San Francisco has said how much Boston has taken the sparkle from my eyes. It's not Boston. It's Tristan, I know it is, but I can't help but love him and his many flaws.

  After a few more minutes of silence, I speak, still staring out of the window, watching the rain hit the glass. “How much do you love Avery? What would you do if she had issues? Would you just up and leave her?”

  He looks at me, his lips turned downwards and his brows knitting together. Does he not know about his own best friend’s issues with his mother?

  “I love Avery to hell and back, but if she was making me feel like the shittiest person to ever walk the planet then I wouldn't think twice about leaving her.”

  “But that's the thing, Lennon. If you love someone so much it hurts, you would stay with them no matter what. And he doesn't make me feel shitty. He just has issues. Issues that I would have thought you would know about. Do you know what it feels like, loving someone who doesn't love you back?” He shakes his head. “It's like a thousand tiny daggers through your heart. You die on a daily basis.” A tear falls down my cheek and rolls off my chin as I repeat the same words I spoke to Tristan more than a year ago. “I love him, Lennon. I can't help that. We're having a baby together but that doesn't mean we’re getting together.” I stand to walk away and grip the table as my vision blackens for a few moments.

  “Lils. Are you okay?” Lennon is by my side in an instant.

  “I'm fine.”

>   “Here, sit back down. I'll grab you a bottle of water.” He tries to guide me back to the seat.

  “I said I'm fine, Lennon. Stop fussing over me!” I swat him away and head for the front door, leaving Lennon shouting on me to come back and that he’s sorry. I ignore him, and before I know it, I’m outside the hospital doors, the hustle and bustle around me not fazing me one bit.

  “Lillia?” Aiden shakes me a little. I look at him; he has a perplexed look on his face. Probably wondering why I’m staring at the hospital doors. “Lillia are you okay? You must be freezing.” He takes his jacket off to place over my shoulders and guides me inside. I forgot to grab a jacket before storming out.

  “I need to talk to Tristan,” I say, and Aiden takes me to talk with the stubborn ass that is the father of my baby.

  I can't believe Lillia is pregnant. Twenty weeks pregnant. With my child. Shock doesn't even cover what I'm feeling right now. If I'm completely honest with myself, I'm terrified. What if I ruin this kid’s life? I already made Lillia's life miserable for the best part of seven years; I don't want to do the same with her child. My child. Our child.

  “I'm going to head home. I'll see you tomorrow.” Aiden squeezes my hand. He's tried to talk to me since Lillia left last night. Lennon gave me the stink eye and walked out. I don't deserve anyone in my life. I only hurt people. The door clicks shut and I let out all the emotions that have been building inside for the past few hours. Tears begin to fall, coming thick and fast. My mother's voice comes screeching into my head. 'Quit crying. Be a man. Men don't cry like little pussies.' Bringing my hands to my head, I take a fist full of my hair and pull. “Get out of my head,” I whisper through gritted teeth.

  “Son?” Dad's voice hits my ears, drowning out all the venom Mom used to spout at me when he wasn't around. “Son?” I look up to see worried blue eyes that match my own with clouded vision.

  “Why, Dad? Why do I fuck everything up all the damn time?” I yell. “Is there something wrong with me?”

  “Tristan, you don't fuck everything up all the time. You're passionate about what you care about.” Dad sits on the chair beside me. I let out a humorless laugh, again. “You’re my son, Tristan. I know you don’t do these things to hurt people on purpose, especially Lillia.” My head whips round to stare at him, my eyes boring into him when he mentions her name. “Don’t look at me like you want to kill me!” A small smirk pulls at his lips.