She Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

by Allana Walker

  My heart hammers against my ribcage the more I think about Lillia and our baby. Our baby. I bring my hand up, run my fingers through my hair, and pull again.

  “What am I going to do, Dad?” I plead with him to give me the answers. “How am I going to apologize to her after I accused her of getting pregnant by another man?”

  “Grovel.” He shrugs. “Remember when I came to your apartment in college?” I nod my head, remembering that day. That night too. I’ll never forget that day for the rest of my life. “I told you to woo her and never let her go. Do that. Take her to her favorite restaurant, or to see her favorite movie. Take her to Harry Potter world; I know how much she loves those books. She read the first book to you while you were in the coma.” His eyes have changed from happiness to sadness in a second.

  “Dad, I’m fine now.” I reach over and take his hand.

  “We nearly lost you, Tristan. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you or your brother. You two are the only good thing to come out of my marriage to your mother. Probably the only good your mother has ever done in her life.”

  “Well, isn’t that nice. Talking shit about me to our son?” We both look towards the voice at the door and see the last person I ever wanted to see.

  “Mom.”

  “Hello, Tristan.” Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

  “What are you doing here?”

  The anger in Dad’s voice doesn’t faze her. “Lovely to see you too, Emmett.” She smiles sickly sweet at him and sashays towards him, placing a hand on his cheek. “I’ve missed your miserable face.”

  “I’m only miserable when you’re in the room, Darlene. Tell me who’s the unfortunate fool that had you missing our, no, let me rephrase that, my sons’ graduation?”

  “Aww, you jealous?” She pouts and I snigger. She looks towards me. If it were possible, she would be throwing fireballs at me and I’d be nothing but a ball of ash on this bed. “I came to see if you were still on your death bed, or dead even.” She looks me up and down like I’m something her little yappy dog would shit out. “Now I can see you’re fine, I can get back to my life.”

  I look down at my lap, just like I’ve always done when she scolded me when I was younger. No matter how old I am, she always reverts me back to this sad little boy who wanted nothing but to have his mother’s love.

  “Mom?” Aiden’s voice fills the room and Mom’s eyes light up like a fucking Christmas tree.

  “Aiden, sweetheart.” She rushes towards him and starts checking him over. “You weren’t in the accident too, were you?”

  “No. Just Tristan and Lennon. Lennon’s parents died.” Her shoulders slump with relief when she hears Aiden wasn’t in the car with us.

  “I’m fine, by the way,” I mutter under my breath. She turns towards me, her lips turning up into a sneer.

  “Pity.”

  “Mom!” Aiden sounds shocked. I’m not. This is the kind of abuse I’ve had from her for years. “How can you say that? He’s your fucking son.”

  “He’s no son of mine.”

  “Get out.” I hear a small voice from behind Aiden. A voice that sends chills down my spine.

  Mom laughs, folding her arms and looking around Aiden. “And what are you going to do if I don’t?”

  “Don’t test me.” Lillia comes into view. She’s wearing her hair up in a high ponytail on top of her head, my college hoodie, and a pair of yoga pants and sneakers. She still looks beautiful. “Not today!”

  “Aww, did little Miss Perfect’s world come crumbling down?” Mom goads Lillia.

  My hands ball into a fist around the sheets on my bed. How dare she talk to Lillia like that? She’s just lost her parents and almost lost her brother. “Get the fuck out of my room! Now!” I roar. Mom looks at me in shock. “Leave! I never want to see your face around me or my family ever again.”

  Mom looks up at Aiden, raising an eyebrow. “Aiden, sweetheart. You going to let him talk to me like that?”

  “Yes! It’s no less than the way you treated him growing up.” My mother flinches her head back in shock, blinking her widened eyes. She was obviously not expecting those words to come out of his mouth. “Yeah, Mom. I heard and saw the way you treated him. You don’t deserve to be given the title mom.”

  “I think it’s time you leave.” Lillia squares up to her, arms crossed over her bump. Mom looks down and a slow smile appears on her lips.

  “A baby out of wedlock? Oh, how your parents would be proud. And which one of my sons is the father? We all know you were playing both.”

  “The baby is mine, now get the fuck out.” My patience is wearing thin.

  “Are you sure? Because she looks kind of cozy with your brother.” Mom looks Lillia up and down. “What would Mommy and Daddy dearest say if they knew what a slut you are?” Lillia does the one thing none of us would ever expect her to do. She slaps my mom so hard across the face that she stumbles back.

  “Get the hell out of here before you make me do something I will regret for the rest of my life.” Mom scurries out of my room, and Dad, Aiden, and I stare wide-eyed and open-mouthed at sweet, innocent-looking Lillia Kennedy slapping the hell out of my mom. A blush creeps up her cheeks when she sees us staring at her. “What? She riled me up.” She shrugs it off. I have to say, this side of Lillia turns me on like nothing else. She was fighting my corner. Me? The guy that broke her heart more times than I can count. Our eyes lock and tears pool in hers. She tries blinking them away but a couple fall over. She makes her way over to me, never breaking eye contact.

  “Lilly?”

  “I think we need to talk, don’t you?” Her voice isn’t soft like normal; she means business. I nod.

  “We’ll see you later, son.” Dad winks at me. Aiden kisses Lillia’s cheek and whispers in her ear. She glances at me and nods.

  Once Dad and Aiden leave, we sit, not saying a word, the tension thicker than a plank of wood. Lillia’s cell has been ringing for the past ten minutes.

  “You gonna answer that?” I break the silence. She takes out her cell and switches it off. It makes me wonder who she’s avoiding. Is it some guy she was dating back in New York? Is that why she’s here?

  “Stop.” I tilt my head to the side in confusion. “It’s Lennon. I left after an argument with him.” She looks down at her lap. Reaching over, I take her small hand in mine. She looks up at me.

  “I’m sure whatever it was, he’ll get over it.”

  “No, I don’t think he will. I’m pregnant with your child, Tristan.” She sniffs, taking her hand out of mine. “That’s what we were fighting about. Well, it wasn’t so much a fight. He was saying I shouldn’t love you because of the way you’ve treated me, but I can’t turn my feelings off like a light switch.” She wipes her eyes roughly, pissed that she’s crying again. I stare at her, shocked to the core. Does she love me? “But I get it. I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but please, Tristan. Please don’t neglect your duties as a father. Our child deserves that much.”

  “You think I don’t love you? You think I don’t want us to be a family? Because I do, Lilly. I want nothing more than to come home to a warm house smelling of those amazing cookie you and your mom used to make, and our child running to meet me at the door, happy to see me after a hard day’s work. I’ve done nothing but dream of that day from the moment I met you.” I pour my heart out. “Do you really still love me? Even after everything?” I swallow, unable to look at her.

  “Of course I do, Tristan. I’ve loved you since I saw you ogling my ass from your bedroom window the day we moved in.” She raises an eyebrow at me. I feel my face heat. “I saw you creeping, Tristan.” She smirks a little.

  “Do you blame me? You had the shortest shorts on ever. I wanted to drag you into my room and make you wear longer pants.”

  She lets out a little laugh and shakes her head. The smile disappears. “So, how are we going to do this?” she asks. I gaze at her, perplexed. “The baby, Tristan. What are the arrangemen
ts going to be?”

  “You’re not moving back here?”

  “I have a job, friends, and an apartment to get back to after the funeral.”

  “So I would be one of those weekend dads who only see their kid twice a week?” Anger bubbles under my skin. There’s no fucking way I’m being a weekend dad. I’ll convince her to move back here.

  “Tristan.” She closes her eyes and sighs deeply.

  “No, Lilly. I can’t bear the thought of you and my kid in a big city, hundreds of miles away from me.” My skin prickles with anxiety at the thought of something happening to them when I’m not there.

  “It’s not up for discussion, Tristan. I’ll come back a month before my due date then stay a couple of months after, but then we’ll be moving back to New York.”

  Over my dead fucking body.

  “Look, Tristan. I know you hate the idea of this, but I need my job.” She grabs my hand and squeezes gently. She’s right; I’m being a selfish asshole in wanting to keep them both with me. “And it’s not like we’re together or anything.”

  And there it is. The cold hard truth. That she may love me but we’re not together.

  “What if we were?” I blurt out. Her head jerks back and her eyes widen in surprise. “Together, I mean. What if we try again? Do the whole dating thing?” Excitement resonates through me. “I mean, it’s a little late to do the dating thing.” I place my hand on her bump. I feel movement. Our eyes lock and we both smile.

  “Dating? I think we bypassed that five months ago,” she jokes.

  “What do you say, Lilly? Will you be my girlfriend?” I ask, hoping the word that comes out of her mouth is a three lettered word and not a two. I can see the wheels turning and the internal battle she’s having. “I promise you, I will never hurt you the way I have in the past.”

  “Yes,” she breathes. “Let’s start again.”

  A huge smile breaks out on my face. Pulling her hand, I jerk her body to mine and kiss the hell out of those sweet lips I’ve missed so much this past year

  I have my girl and I’m never letting her go.

  Today’s the day we bury my parents. Everyone is downstairs having breakfast. I couldn’t face it, so Tristan said he would bring me coffee - decaf coffee, much to my disappointment. Since leaving the hospital a week ago, Tristan has been the nicest guy on the planet. He’s been looking after me when it should be me looking after him; he’s just out of the hospital after a car crash that nearly killed him. I think he’s trying to prove to Lennon that he can trust him with my heart. I trust him with it, so Lennon should.

  A knock at the door startles me from my musings. I run my finger down my mom’s beautiful smiling face and bring the picture frame up to my lips, closing my eyes and kissing it. “I miss you, Mom and Dad,” I whisper, and place the frame on my night stand.

  “Baby.” Tristan’s head peers round the door. Looking up at him, my eyes swim with tears as he limps towards me on his crutches, holding a cup of steaming hot coffee for me. I could have lost him as well as my parents that night. My child could have lost its father before they even knew about each other. A sob escapes my lips. “Hey, hey. It’s going to be okay,” he whispers against my hair. His voice is gentle and caring. He places his arm around my shoulder and draws me to his chest after placing the coffee down on the floor beside him. My arms like magnets circle around his waist, taking care not to hurt his still sore ribs. I cry into his chest while he strokes my hair, soothing me.

  “I’m sorry.” I hiccup.

  “What are you sorry for?” I can hear the confusion in his voice. I remove myself from him, and he reaches up and wipes my tears away with his thumb, his eyes searching my face for answers.

  “Sorry for keeping our baby a secret. Sorry for not giving in to my feelings for you sooner. If I had, maybe this would never have happened. Maybe Mom and Dad would be here right now. Maybe…” Another sob seeps out. “…Maybe Mom would be here to give me some advice on how to get through this pregnancy and help me be the amazing mother she was.”

  “Hey, shh.” He places his finger on my lips to silence me. “It was an accident, Lillia. Nothing you or I or even that truck driver could have done could have prevented it. As for this bundle of love growing inside you.” He places his hand on my round stomach, rubbing his thumb up and down, and smiles at me. “It was a shock and I was mad at you for a second. Then I thought, I can’t be mad at her. She’s carrying my child; a child that was made out of love. I’m just glad you told me before you gave birth. I could never forgive myself if I missed that.” He looks down and kisses my bulging stomach. “As I remember correctly, it was me who should have told you how I felt about you. I let Jared get inside my head.” His eyes darken. “I should have fought harder for you to see that I love you and have loved you for the longest time. Since I saw you moving your things into the house next door. You dropped a huge box and books came spilling out,” he scoffs, and shakes his head at the memory while I blush. “I ran out with hopes of introducing myself, only to be beaten by Aiden. I saw you two laughing and joking. I thought for sure I had lost my chance.”

  “You thought I had the hots for Aiden?”

  “Don’t look so shocked, Lilly. Everyone thought you two were going at it, or harbored feelings for each other.” I’m about to protest but he stops me. “I didn’t want to be outdone by my brother. I ran out to help you anyway but I was stopped by Lennon. He asked me to help him with all his football and wrestling memorabilia. We got talking about the history of wrestling and how much it had changed over the years, and we found we had a lot in common. While we were in his room looking at the signed pictures and belts he had, I heard you laugh at something Aiden had said, and that laugh sent shockwaves straight to my soul. You appeared at the door wearing purple yoga pants, a white tank top, your hair up in a messy ponytail, and a breath-taking smile upon your face. You looked happy. I think I loved you even then.”

  I look into his eyes, shocked that he remembered the first day we met and what I was wearing. “You remember that day?” I whisper.

  “I remember everything about you, Lilly. Even the bad stuff. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t know how to give you the love you deserve, the love I thought I couldn’t give you, so I thought I had to hurt you to make you see you can do way better than me.” He looks down to his lap. I had no idea he thought like this. I thought I was just a notch in his bed post.

  “I loved you, you big idiot. Still love you, even after everything. I still love you.”

  “I know, and I get that now. I do. I still feel you deserve more than I can give you. I never had the loving mother-father dynamic you had, so I will mess up. I’ll mess up a lot. I’m begging you. Please, please don’t give up on me.” His eyes shine with sadness.

  “You’re stuck with me.” I smile a little. The air crackles with electricity, my breathing becoming labored. Butterflies swarm in my stomach as his lips descend on mine. Our breaths mix, his hand lightly on my hip. His lips touch mine, feather light. My hands grip his biceps, pulling him closer to me as our lips move. His tongue begs for entry and I gladly let him in. Our tongues swirl, dancing the tango, his hand traveling up to the back of my neck, pressing me closer to him. My leg hooks round his, pulling him, my panties wet with desire for him. He rolls on top of me without breaking our kiss. He grinds his bulging cock into me, making me even hotter for him.

  “Lillia. Tristan.” My brother’s voice interrupts us going any further. “The cars are here.” Guilt washes over me. How could I forget about my own parents’ funeral? All I cared about was getting down and dirty with the man I love.

  “Lillia, don’t feel guilty.” How the hell did he know? He leans down, placing a kiss on my forehead before standing to adjust himself. Heat rushes to my cheeks. “I’ll see you downstairs.” He grabs his crutches and makes his way out of my room, leaving me alone. After a few deep breaths, I join my brothers in the funeral car behind the coffins holding my parents. Avery, Ai
den, and Tristan are following behind in Lennon’s SUV.

  Driving up to the church, I look out. The snow is beginning to melt; spring is in the air - my mom’s favorite season. My heart is heavy with sadness, my throat clogged with unshed tears I’m too scared to let out through fear of never being able to stop them from flowing.

  “Lil?” Lennon opens my door, holding out his hand to help me out. Gripping it tightly, I step out and make my way to the church to say my final goodbyes to our parents.

  We take our places at the front of the church facing the two coffins that hold my parents’ bodies. Two big pictures of their smiling faces are on top of the wooden boxes. I can hear quiet hushes of chitchat behind us; I can’t make out what they’re saying and, quite frankly, I don’t care. I stare ahead, trying to keep the tears back. My uncle sits in our row and he reaches over Luke to take my hand and squeezes a little. A hand squeezes my shoulder, almost breaking me. I don’t have to turn to see who it is; I know it’s Tristan. I grip his hand and bring it up to my lips, placing a small kiss on his fingers.

  I don’t hear what the priest says or hear him call me up to the podium until Lennon whispers in my ear.

  “Lil. Are you okay to do this?” Taking my hand in his, I look at him and nod. He helps me up on my shaky legs. “You sure?” he asks again when I stop at the bottom of the stairs, staring ahead. I take a large inhale of air and blow it out again to calm myself. Nodding my head, I let go of his hand and continue up towards where the reverend is waiting with a sympathetic smile on his face. I hate it.

  Standing at the lectern with shaky hands, I take out the piece of paper with all the things I was going to say. I ball it up and decide to speak from my heart. Looking out into a sea of black, I start to think Mom would hate this. She loved color. The brighter the better. Expectant eyes look upon me, waiting for me to tell them how amazing my parents were. Surely they should know. They’re here to celebrate their lives and the love they have for them.