Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “W… what does that have to do with Caleb?”

  “I asked him to fetch you. Begged him in fact.” His eyes darkened. “I paid him ten grand to do it for me.” Ten thousand? That’s insane. “I didn’t realise how sore he was that our Grandfather left me the majority of his money and properties in his will.”

  “Get to the point.” I demand, my breath quickening. I can’t breathe.

  “Caleb agreed to meet with you and bring you off the beach to meet me. He said he’d become your friend and lead you to me.”

  “Can I walk with you?”

  Caleb’s first ever words to me ring through my head. I feel dizzy. “Maybe… maybe he just liked me too.”

  “Oh, he definitely liked you.” Nathan spits, the vehemence in his tone only showing a fraction of how he really feels about the situation. “He led you right by me. I thought maybe you were shy and he was finding the right moment to introduce us.”

  “What happened next?” I need to know. I need to hear it.

  “He promised me that you were meeting him the next day, he’d introduce us. Then you were shy and timid and that day wasn’t good timing.” He says this in a mocking tone, using his fingers to accentuate the words ‘good timing’. “He told me where to wait, so I waited by the hotel. I had the perfect view of you both. He’d lied about the time. It looked like you’d been spending time together for a while before I got there. I trusted him.”

  What do I say to that? Nothing. There’s nothing to say right now. I should just listen.

  “I saw you both kiss.” He brushes my hair from my temple, his eyes sad. “You were the first girl I’ve ever liked.” Yeah right. “I’m serious, Gwen. I wouldn’t lie to you about that. You know me better than anyone.” He shrugs. “I thought he would get bored like he usually did. Instead…”

  “Go on.” I need to hear this.

  “He took you in the back of his car, no doubt down a dirt road outside of town.” Cringe. “I saw the car because I didn’t believe him. I saw the stain.” My cheeks heat at the memory. “I wanted to kill him. He’d already told me he was staying behind. I had told our parents, anything to get him away from you.”

  “Why would you do that?” I whisper.

  “I… can’t get into that right now.” I want to push him, but I need to process the information I already have. “But then… I was mad at you too. In my head you were on this pedestal. You were this perfect woman to me, beautiful, graceful, carefree and innocent. It came off you in waves. Why would you…?”

  “I didn’t.” I blurt, holding my hand up to silence him. “We didn’t have sex in the car.”

  “I saw…”

  “You saw a stain and yes, we fooled around, but in actuality, I didn’t lose my virginity to him until after we’d moved in together.” Why would Caleb lie about that? “Caleb…whatever he did to you, he never hurt me, never pushed me. He waited until I was ready and then he… I hate that he did that to you. I’m sorry that he did that to you. If he were alive, I’d…”

  “You’d what?” He asks, his voice low and his eyes wide with wonder. “Shout at him? Break up with him and go with me? Don’t say things you don’t mean.”

  “I don’t know what I’d do.” I admit, reaching up to trail my fingers along the side of his neck. “All I know is that the only silver lining of Caleb’s death is that I got the chance to know you.”

  He pushes forward, his chest against mine. “So choose me.”

  “If I don’t?” I ask quietly, resting my forehead against his neck. “What happens if I don’t?”

  I feel his chest deflate. His hand tips my head back and he looks into my eyes. “I’ll leave with no hard feelings. I’ll never bother you again, I swear.” He pauses for a moment. “But please, choose me.”

  “And what will happen if I do?”

  “I’ll never let you go. Never.”

  I believe him, truly I do, but this is a difficult choice to make. If I choose him, will people judge me? Do I care if they judge me? Not really. If I don’t choose him, will I regret it?

  How do I feel about him?

  I think back to our time together, living with him, how I felt when I left, how I felt when he touched me and held me in his sleep. So many things to consider.

  He makes me happy. He’s never let me down, but I can’t just forget everything he’s put me through. What if I step out of line and he tells me to leave again? Can I handle that? Probably not.

  And then there are the secrets he clings to, not just his grandfather but everything else. Those envelopes that kept getting sent to me, what was in them? Why does he hate Caleb? Surely it can’t be all because of me? And if it is because of me, there has to be more to it than what he’s told me. He’s hiding something, I know it.

  But all of that will come in time, I know it will, otherwise we won’t work.

  So what do I do? How do I feel?

  Gah… have mercy, this is too much to consider.

  Can I do this? Eric is everything I should want. He’s different.

  Eric is Caleb.

  I don’t want another Caleb. I want complicated and broody, because when Nathan finally gives part of himself to me, it feels like the greatest reward. I want to figure him out, unlock his secrets and help him through them.

  But what if I’m wrong?

  “Gwen?”

  “Okay.” I whisper, ignoring my morals and rapidly firing thoughts. Switching off my mind, I decide with nothing but the muscle beating in my chest. “Okay.”

  “Okay?”

  “I’m not choosing you.” His hands go to release me. I grip his hair with one hand and the front of his shirt with the other. “There’s no choice to make.”

  He scrunches up his nose, “Well I feel rather moronic right now.”

  “That’s not what I mean.” Eye roll. “You were never second best; you were never a choice. I’m sorry I didn’t realise it sooner.”

  “You’re not making any sense.”

  “I mean,” how do I say this? “I love you. I think I have for a really long time.” I know I have. I’ve just been too ashamed of the circumstances to admit it, or try to rationalise it.

  “Don’t say that if you don’t mean it. If you’re saying it because of what I’ve told you…”

  “I’m not,” I promise and let my body relax. “I’ve been an idiot. I’ve been awful to you, I know I have, and I’m sorry. I’m ready now, if you’ll forgive me. I’d like to try.”

  He blinks, seemingly astonished. “You’re choosing me?”

  “But if we’re going to do this properly, we need to be completely honest with each other. No more secrets.”

  He gulps, looking away nervously. “I don’t want to talk about what happened.”

  “That’s fine, but you need to talk about what happened before I found out about your grandfather. You’re not being let off the hook that easy.” I chastise him, though I still have a smile on my face. “There are things we need to deal with.”

  He sighs. “I was hoping we could just kiss now, but you’ve ruined the moment.”

  I grin. “We were having a moment?”

  “Were, being the key word here.” He steps into me again. “Now, be quiet. I’ve waited for this for a very long time.”

  “Kay.” I lean back, closing my eyes as I wait for him to press his lips to mine. He moves slowly, sending tingles of anticipation straight down my spine. I feel his breath on my lips, but then it’s gone.

  I decide to open my eyes when a few seconds pass and I notice that my slightly puckered lips are going to waste. Nathan’s eyes twinkle with amusement at my confusion, but then he sobers and a look of contentment overcomes him.

  A gloved hand touches my arm, the fingertips barely grazing the skin as it moves upwards and rests on my shoulder. My breath hitches when those same fingers brush a gentle path up my neck, to my jaw and to my ear. I whimper, tiny bumps prickling along the surface of my arms and the swell of my breasts.

  Nathan
looks at his hand and frowns. My eyes follow his movements. I watch closely as he slowly removes the glove and places it into his pocket. His bare fingers make the same journey they made a moment ago, starting at my wrist before finishing at the corner of my mouth. I shudder and close my eyes when he scrapes his fingers upwards and brushes the side of my hair over my ear.

  This is it, I think over and over as his eyes hold mine and his face moves slowly closer. My heartbeat quickens, my chest tingles and my mouth goes dry. I wet my lips quickly in preparation, waiting for him to finally kiss me.

  His nose touches mine and strokes the bridge with a barely there touch. Gulp.

  A small smile lights up his face, making his eyes become hooded.

  Watching his pupils dilate as his top lip touches mine is definitely a sight I’ll never forget. I wonder if that’s what he’s doing, burning this exact moment to memory.

  A gasp escapes me when I feel his free hand trail along the edge of the boxers I’m wearing, before dipping under my top and sliding around to my back. He pulls me to him, his hips against mine. I feel how much he wants me and the thrill it sends through my body is almost unbearable.

  I’m about ready to grab him and devour his mouth in a wicked way, when I feel his bottom lip finally skim mine.

  My eyes close, my body heats and I’m sure my cheeks turn pink.

  The anticipation is killing me. I’ve never felt so alive, so on fire.

  “Nathan.” I whisper so quietly, I barely even hear it myself.

  A moan leaves my throat when his tongue lightly touches the centre of my top lip. I’m startled by the force of feeling such a gentle touch creates.

  Yes. Finally.

  A wail from downstairs forces my eyes open.

  Damn it all!

  Nathan scrunches up his nose and sighs. “Dillan. I’ll get him.”

  Shit, my son. He’s poorly. What kind of a mother am I?

  Nathan bumps my nose with his. “They said it’s just colic and possibly a cold, don’t worry. I’ll deal with him.”

  “Okay, I’m going to get changed.”

  “Have a shower too, wash him from your skin.” He kisses the curve of my neck and pulls me out of the way of the door.

  Scowling at him, I stomp past and enter the bathroom, ignoring his chuckle as I go.

  Nathan taps on the door as I’m pulling Eric’s top over my head. “Hey, Gwen?”

  “Yes?”

  “Actually, it doesn’t matter. I’ll tell you later.”

  “Okay.” I throw the top on the ground and step out of the boxers. I don’t need a shower but I know how fussy Nathan can be.

  Staring at myself in the mirror before I climb under the hot spray, I look at my reflection and ask her one thing. “Are you sure this is what you want?” Then I nod with a smile and climb under the spray. It is what I want.

  It’s what I need.

  Wiping the mist from the mirror, I run a comb through my wet hair to get rid of the tangles. I look flushed from the hot water. I’ve also never felt so clean. After brushing my teeth, I double check the towel that’s wrapped around my body is tight enough and pad into my bedroom.

  I have to admit, now that a decision has been made, I feel like a weight has been lifted. My shoulders suddenly feel a lot lighter.

  I just wish I knew how Caleb felt about this.

  Christ… have I gone insane? He’s dead! He’s not coming back and I’m still alive. I need to remember that.

  “It’s definitely colic. He’s not drinking the milk and he keeps bringing his legs up to his chest.” Nathan says as he walks into my room with a squawking Dillan in his arms. “He doesn’t have a temperature so I’m not too wo…” He stops in his tracks, his mouth hanging open.”…rried.”

  “Yeah, I need to get dressed.”

  Nathan blinks and sits. “Feel free to do so.”

  My brow lifts. “Out.”

  “Oh come on, I have permission now.”

  I snort. “Says who?”

  “Says you, when you just agreed to be my girlfriend.” Playful Nathan equals a Nathan I enjoy greatly, although I’m not sure I like the title girlfriend. It seems so juvenile. He looks at Dillan, who is still squawking. “Quiet. Mummy, aka my girlfriend,” there’s that label again, “is busy entertaining me.” He looks up at me, his face straight and showing no sign of humour. “He says get your tits out.”

  I choke on my surprised laughter. That was so not what I expected to hear from him. Not at all.

  “What?” He asks innocently. “He said it.”

  My body leans forward as laughter forces its way upwards. It’s almost painful. Make it stop.

  “You never cease to amaze me, Nathan Weston,” I giggle, pulling the towel tighter around me. “Out. Give him some cool boiled water for me.”

  “You’ve been my girlfriend for twenty minutes and already you’re ordering me around.”

  “What’s with the label?”

  He smiles mischievously. “Well you are my girlfriend.” His smile widens. “I have a girlfriend.”

  “You’re going to keep saying it, aren’t you?”

  He nods once. “Yes, yes I am.”

  Sigh. “Whatever. Out please.”

  “But…”

  “Out.”

  He grumbles under his breath as he leaves the room. It’s then that Dillan finally starts smiling.

  Quickly pulling on some clothes, I braid my hair over one shoulder and add a little mascara to my long lashes. I can hear Dillan crying again, so I quickly dart down the stairs and take him from Nathan, who looks perplexed about what to do.

  “Maybe we should take him to the doctor?” Nathan suggests, but I shake my head and reply,

  “We’ll give him some gripe water and he’ll be okay. Can you make him a bottle up; there’s some gripe water in the cupboard next to the fridge, top shelf. It’s a grey bottle. Just a couple of drops.”

  He gets to work immediately as I put Dillan over my shoulder and pat his back. It does little to soothe him. My poor baby.

  Two hours go by before he finally sleeps. I’m starting to wonder if it’s my breast milk that’s upsetting him. I’ve been eating the right foods as far as I’m aware. Maybe I should put him onto formula.

  No, all babies get colic at some point. I’ll speak to Dillan’s doctor tomorrow and see what she says.

  “Relax.” Nathan murmurs, running his gloved fingertips over my still damp braid. I feel it all the way to the base of my spine and let out a little shudder. Nathan, taking this response as permission, pushes it out of the way and shuffles closer. I feel his warm breath on my neck before I feel his lips.

  Exquisite.

  Carefully leaning forward, I place Dillan back in his chair and turn towards Nathan, tilting my head to the side so my neck is exposed to him. He strokes the delicate skin on the opposite side of my neck to where he’s kissing, with his glove free hand.

  This should feel weird, I mean… it’s Nathan. But it doesn’t, not in the slightest.

  He pulls back an inch, his pupils dilated and his cheeks slightly flushed with a tinge of pink. I move my hand up to caress his face and marvel at the heat coming from him.

  I stare at him for a few seconds, my breath coming out of me in pants. His is the same and it gives me a thrill knowing that I’m doing that to him.

  “I brought pizza!” My mum shouts as the front door swings open.

  “Bloody hell,” Nathan sighs and we separate quickly.

  Mum walks in and places two pizza boxes on the coffee table in the centre of the room. She smiles at me, but that soon fades when she sees Nathan. “Sorry, I didn’t realise we’d have company.”

  “Yeah, I was going to call.” I chew on my lower lip for a moment. “Dillan’s poorly. Nathan picked him up from nursery for me.”

  My mum nods and shrugs a little. “There’s plenty. How’s Dillan now?”

  I look at him resting in his vibrating chair and smile when his big, round eyes come to me. �
��I gave him some gripe water and his stomach has settled. He’s a bit snotty though. I’ll take him to the doctor tomorrow.”

  “How’s Eric?” She pointedly asks, giving me one of those looks that only Mums can give you.

  My mouth falls open. She just ratted me out! Of course Nathan already knows, but she doesn’t know that. “I don’t know. How’s my new step daddy?” Two can play at that game.

  Her mouth falls open and her eyes narrow in horror. “You know?”

  “That you still make out in public like a hormonal teen saying goodbye to her boyfriend at a bus stop? Yeah, we know.”

  Her eyes go to Nathan, who quickly pretends to start looking for something in his jacket pockets.

  Letting out a sigh, she runs her fingers through her hair and a dreamy smile touches her face, “He’s lovely. You’ll like him Gwen.”

  “Don’t get pregnant,” I order, earning me a scowl.

  Nathan chuckles beside me but stops when my mum turns her scowl his way. He starts searching through his pockets again.

  Sigh.

  For some reason, this action from him reminds me of how young he is. He always holds himself so confidently, so proudly. I forget that he’s only twenty five. I think… hell, I don’t even know when his birthday is.

  We eat pizza in an uncomfortable silence. It would be comical if there wasn’t so much tension in the air, although I do almost laugh when Nathan eats his slices with a knife and fork. After I stare at him for a few seconds, he gives me the most adorable look and says, “What?”

  This makes me laugh.

  I clean away the empty boxes as Mum and Nathan wash their hands.

  Then I make us drinks and again, we drink them in an uncomfortable silence. All that can be heard is our slurping every few seconds.

  I’m wondering what to tell my mum. I told her I’d chosen Eric and now I’ve got to tell her I’ve chosen Nathan, but haven’t yet told Eric. I was actually hoping I wouldn’t have to say anything to her and she’d just get the message after a while of seeing me with Nathan but not Eric. This won’t be the case, I can tell by the looks she’s giving me every so often. She wants me to explain and I don’t blame her.