Connected

by A. E. Murphy

  “You’re staying here?” Mum breaks the silence as I’m rocking Dillan side to side on my knees.

  I close my eyes briefly, keeping my head down. Maybe they won’t see me.

  “If I have your permission to do so,” Nathan politely says. I don’t look at him; I’m too busy clapping Dillan’s hands together and making him smile.

  “That’s fine. Gwen will make up the couch?” Why’s this worded as a question and not a statement?

  Then Nathan says something that makes me squeeze my eyes shut and mentally start punching him in the back of the head. “No, I’ll be staying with my girlfriend, Gwen.” There’s that damn label…

  It falls eerily silent again.

  “Anybody want dessert?” I jump up, startling Dillan who I immediately hand to Nathan. “I have jam roly-poly I can heat up.” I look at Mum. “Do we have custard?”

  “I feel like I’m missing something.” My mum’s words make me freeze on the spot.

  “Nope, it’s exactly like he said.” I smile. It’s forced and completely fake. “Pudding?”

  “Maybe you should explain.”

  “Or not.”

  “Gwen.” I hate that tone.

  “Yes?” I try for sweet, but she only gives me that look again. Sigh. “Isn’t it obvious?”

  She shakes her head. “No, actually it’s not.”

  I glare at Nathan. “This is your fault.”

  He smiles alluringly. “Are we having a tiff?”

  Throwing my hands up in the air I let out a growl and walk out of the room, grumbling the entire way.

  “Would you like to explain?” Mum says to Nathan.

  “Certainly,” he states. I wait for him to continue. He doesn’t.

  My mum loses her patience. “Well? Go on.”

  “Go on what?”

  “Explain.”

  “Explain what?”

  My mum lets out a growl similar to the one I just did only moments ago. “Explain what the hell is going on with you and Gwen.”

  “Oh, you could have said that.” She’s going to hit him, I just know it. I snigger slightly, wanting to see my mum’s face but not daring to look around the doorway for fear of being pulled into the conversation. “I’ll have pudding,” Nathan calls. “If you’re still offering.”

  “Why will nobody answer me?” Mum whines to herself because nobody answers her. “We’ll talk tomorrow, Guinevere.”

  I hope not.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Climbing into bed with Nathan after settling Dillan in his cot, I lie on my back beside him, our arms touching. He turns onto his side, propping his head up with his elbow. His hand traces my face, starting at my brow and brushing over it softly before moving down my nose.

  I close my eyes and ask the question that’s been gnawing at me ever since he confessed his secrets earlier today. “Why did you hit Caleb? Was that because of me?”

  His fingers, that were moving over my cheekbone, go still. “That’s a long story.”

  I peek at him through slightly parted lids. “We have time.”

  He sighs, flopping backwards onto his back. “I’m tired. Can we discuss it another day?”

  I roll onto my side and prop myself up on my elbow, much like he did seconds ago. “You’ve already told me some of it. Surely you can…”

  He gives me a look, the same look he used to give me when I was living with him and he found me irritating.

  “Fine,” I snap and roll over, putting my back to him. “You promised no secrets.”

  “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not discuss the man who took your virginity whilst I lie in bed beside you.” He says this softly, his tone not matching the look he gave me. “Why did you used to walk backwards on the beach? I used to sit and worry you’d fall. Not that you’d hurt yourself; apparently sand is soft to land on when you’re not too high.”

  “Footprints.” I gulp, thinking back on the days I was, as he said, carefree and innocent. “I used to be amazed by footprints.”

  He moves closer. I feel his chest against my back. Again, he props himself up using his elbow and starts stroking his fingers through the side of my hair. “Footprints?”

  “Yes. Footprints.”

  “Why footprints?”

  “Because on the sand you can see them, but only for a short while.”

  He runs his chin over the curve of my shoulder. “I’m still not following.”

  “It’s silly. I used to be obsessed with wondering who had walked over that spot before me. Were they sad? Were they happy? What had they been doing?” I laugh a little at the thought. “I miss having such a clear mind, where those kinds of thoughts were the only ones I woke up with.”

  His lips press against my shoulder. I feel them smile against my skin before his arm comes around my waist and his face nuzzles into my neck. “Go to sleep.”

  My eyes close and my body relaxes, especially with his heat smothering me in the most delicious way.

  Just when I think he’s fallen asleep, he shifts and presses his cheek against my ear. In the quietest voice, he whispers, “Tell me you love me, Gwen.”

  My breath catches in my throat. I push back against him, snuggling my backside into his crotch as my hand finds his by my breast. I hold it tight and whisper in the quietest voice, “I love you, Nathan.”

  He kisses the side of my jaw, directly below my ear and holds me even tighter.

  Moments later, we fall asleep.

  When I wake up in the morning I’m shocked to find the bed empty beside me. I’m also shocked that the sun is shining and Dillan hasn’t awoken yet. Upon further inspection, I see that Dillan is also missing.

  Nathan.

  Climbing out of bed, I rub my tired eyes and try to focus through the blurry coating of dryness that rests over my eyeballs. I don’t prevail, so I stagger into the bathroom and splash water on my face.

  “Morning.”

  “Jesus!” I yelp, spinning on the spot. My hands immediately clutch the sink behind me as I try to calm my beating heart. “What are you doing?”

  “Bathing Dillan.” He says this like I’m stupid. Which I am, because that’s exactly what he’s doing and it’s clear to see. “He woke up four times last night. You didn’t wake up once. You must have been tired.”

  Or I knew Nathan would deal with it, so my mind wouldn’t switch on. “Sorry.”

  He shrugs. “He was easy to manage.”

  “Good.” I chew on my lip for a moment, staring at a bare chested Nathan, kneeling on the ground next to Dillan’s baby bath, who is kicking away happily in the warm suds.

  “You need a bath.” Nathan says, patting the shower door. At first I think he’s telling me I’m unclean, but then I realise he’s talking about our lack of a bath tub. “Hold out the towel.”

  I do as he says and wait as he carefully picks Dillan up and hands him to me. We wrap him together and I clutch him to my chest as Nathan dries his hands and pulls on his gloves.

  “If you go and get ready, we can be at Jeanine’s by one.” Nathan lifts Dillan out of my arms and nuzzles his chubby cheek with his nose. “Quickly, you’ll need to feed him before we go. I gave him some more gripe water with his morning bottle, but you’re out of expressed milk.”

  “Jeanine’s?” He follows me into the bedroom.

  “Yes, she wants to see Dillan and I want to take you somewhere.”

  “Where?” I enquire, rummaging through my drawers to find the perfect outfit. “Outdoor or indoor?”

  “Outdoors, it’s not too cold out today.” He nods when I hold up a long, loose, baby blue dress. “Wear a cardigan on top.”

  I do as I’m told, grabbing a black woollen one which hangs loosely over the shoulders.

  Nathan takes Dillan’s nappy bag and leaves the room, but not before telling me I only have five minutes to get ready.

  It’s a good thing I braided my hair yesterday or it’d be a frightful mess right now.

  Before long we’re in the ca
r and on the road. I’m grateful my mum wasn’t up whilst we were getting ready. It means I got to miss out on the interrogation.

  “Do I still get free reign over the radio?”

  Nathan waves his hand towards it.

  Yay.

  “I’m thirsty.” I announce after a few more minutes of silence.

  “Me too, but we don’t have time to stop.” He rubs his chin. It’s the first time I’ve seen him with any stubble. It’s only a light shadow, but I have to admit it makes him look very handsome.

  “We’ll just run in, grab a drink and run out again.” I suggest.

  He shakes his head. “No food or drink in the car.”

  “Are you serious? You’ve let me before.”

  He rolls his eyes. “That was one time; you were pregnant and grieving.”

  “Well now I’m breast feeding and wondering whether or not you want this journey to be relaxing or not,” I threaten, smiling smugly.

  He completely ignores me, his eyes staring at the road ahead.

  “Nathan?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  He shifts in his seat, his tongue swiping at his lower lip. “What do you want to know?”

  How do I say this? “Was… umm… was Caleb…”

  His hands tense on the steering wheel; any tighter and I’d be worried about the strength of the wheel. “No.”

  This brings me relief. “I don’t understand why it was just you that…”

  “Caleb rarely went to our grandfather’s. Maybe he didn’t have the opportunity.”

  I don’t believe him. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that he wasn’t… I wish you hadn’t had to… but…”

  “Spit it out,” he snaps, clearly getting annoyed with my lack of proper English at present. It’s a difficult thing to talk about. I can’t just say it outright. Can I?

  “It makes no sense that he’d only target you.”

  He doesn’t respond. His face holds that usual blank façade that I hate so much.

  If he doesn’t want to talk about it, I guess I can’t blame him. There are other things we should discuss. I’ll mention those instead.

  “Are you going to tell me why you hit him now?”

  “No.”

  “But…”

  “It’ll put me in a bad mood and spoil our day. Let it go.” He’s not already in a bad mood?

  Huff. “Fine.”

  He lets out a long breath, his eyes narrowed in irritation. “Don’t start being mardy. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I don’t see why, you promised no more secrets,” I point out, glaring at his profile.

  “And I said I wouldn’t keep secrets from you, but I didn’t say when I’d divulge said secrets. I will tell you… eventually.”

  I laugh in disbelief. “If we want to move forward then we should talk about these things.”

  “I agree.” Finally! “But right now, at this point in our relationship - which, may I remind you, has only just begun - it isn’t time to get into such things. They’ll only upset you and I don’t want that. Especially not today.”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I continue to argue. “Or they’ll upset me more when our relationship is further along because I’ll wonder why you kept things from me for such a long time.”

  “Or you’ll never talk to me again.”

  “That could happen now or in the future, depending on the severity of the secrets.”

  He looks at me, anger and pain evident in the hard set of his jaw and the widening of his eyes. “That’s good to know.”

  “If you just…”

  “Enough!” He shouts, suddenly pulling the car to the side of the road, forcing me to grip the handle above my head. “I told you; I’ll tell you in my own time and on my own terms, not yours. Life isn’t as simple as you think; there are a lot of things to consider. If you don’t want that, then tell me now so I can at least leave with a small shred of dignity.”

  Blink. “But…”

  “Gwen,” he snaps, turning in his seat to face me. “This is me; this is how I’m always going to be.” He holds out his hands for a moment as a way of showing me himself. “This is how I want to do it and I’m not going to change my mind. Decide right now if you want that. If you don’t, then we’ve made a severe error where this relationship is concerned. If you do, then be quiet and just enjoy the day!”

  He’s almost panting by the time he’s finished. He’s also right.

  “Don’t talk to me like that,” I say quietly, looking away from his glare. “I really hate it when you talk to me like that. You make me feel like a child.”

  He sighs and puts the car back in gear. “Why do you have the ability to make me so angry, yet so… annoyingly guilty all at the same time? I’m sorry for shouting.”

  “I’m not sorry for prying, but I am sorry for pushing.”

  He rolls his eyes heavenward as if praying for help with the issue that is me. “You’re not going to let it go are you?”

  I answer honestly. “No. Especially not if it concerns me, which I know it does.”

  Reaching over the console, he places his hand on my thigh. “Then do me one favour.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t bring it up again for just a few weeks. Let’s just enjoy being us and get to know each other before we tackle the heavy subjects.”

  Gah. Can I do that? “I can do that.”

  He smiles and taps his cheek with his finger. Feigning reluctance, I lean into him and press my lips to his cheek for a few moments. When I pull back the first thing I notice is his closed mouth smile. “You spoil me,” he jokes, giving my thigh a squeeze. “Let’s go.”

  I wait for him to start driving before I announce, “In the time it took you to tell me off, we could have stopped and had a quick coffee.”

  “Please,” he begs jokingly. “Somebody get me a gag.”

  Arsehole.

  His face sobers as his hand leaves my thigh and comes to my hand. “I know I can be difficult, but always keep this in mind: any decisions I make regarding you will always be because of how I feel for you.” He gives me a sharp look, one full of determination and concern. “I will always protect you, always. You might not agree with that but you will have to deal with it, because it’s never going to change.”

  Something fills inside me, something that’s felt hollow for a really long time. I smile softly at him and wonder how I ever thought he was a cold unfeeling person. “Good to know,” I respond breathlessly and squeeze his hand back. “So… what are we doing today?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “I hate surprises.” I lie; I love them. I’m just very impatient.

  He grins and points out a sign to the next service station. “Ten more miles. My girlfriend’s thirsty.”

  Sigh. “Are we starting with that again?”

  “Yes.” He gives a firm nod, making me giggle in response.

  ******

  Jeanine holds me tight as soon as she sees me. And by tight I mean tight.

  “Can’t breathe,” I choke out and she finally pulls back.

  “Good god girl, I’ve missed you!” She beams, pinching my cheeks with both hands. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine. I’ve missed you too.” It’s the truth; we bonded during my time here with Nathan. At times she was my only friend, not to mention the fact she delivered Dillan safely and I’ll be forever in her debt. “How is everything?”

  “Nothing to complain about,” she says, still beaming. “Come on in. Bring that little boy with you.”

  “That’s fine. Nathan can walk now, haven’t you heard?” I comment dryly, squealing when Nathan squeezes the back of my neck and gives me a scowl for good measure.

  “So, all I know is, I’m to watch this gorgeous little bundle for a few hours. May I ask as to why?” Jeanine cuts right to the chase the moment we step through the door.

  “It’s a surprise,” Nathan says and gives me a look th
at tells me to ‘wait for it’. “For my girlfriend.” And there it is.

  “Kill him,” I tell her, too busy staring at Nathan to notice her reaction to his words. “I swear, that’s all he’s done for the entire journey. He actually let me eat in the car, because his girlfriend was hungry. We shared a coffee, because his girlfriend was thirsty. Oh…” I narrow my eyes. “And then there’s the whole, ‘how is my girlfriend?’ every ten minutes and ‘is this music okay for my girlfriend?’”

  Nathan only looks proud. When I look at Jeanine, there are tears in her eyes. Oh good lord. She didn’t know.

  “I knew it would happen, I just knew it!” She slaps Nathan on the chest. “Didn’t I say she was perfect for you? What took you so long?”

  “My girlfriend is stubborn.”

  “Really?” I say, looking for a sharp object. “What are you… twelve?”

  He chuckles and hands Dillan over to Jeanine. I kiss my little boy’s fuzzy hair and step back so Nathan can run his hand over the place I just kissed. “Thank you Jeanine, for watching Dillan. We’ll be back before dark.”

  “Go, have fun.”

  “I’ll make sure my…” Nathan starts to say but I cut him off with a “Don’t you dare.”

  Shoving him out of the house, I keep my arm around his waist as we walk to the car. Looking up at him through my lashes, I give him a sweet smile, hoping he’ll tell me now. It’s whilst I’m smiling sweetly that I notice how nervous he looks.

  “This was a stupid idea,” he says as he helps me into the car.

  “Stupid?”

  “You’re going to think it’s stupid.” he shakes his head. “Well, too late to turn back now.”

  “What is it?”

  He shrugs. “We’re just going for a walk.”

  “With you, right?”

  He looks confused and then wary. “Yes, why?”

  “Then it’s not stupid.” I rest my hand on his leg and move my fingers in slow circles.