Home

by Amanda Berriman

  I say, ‘I don’t want to see Ryan again. I don’t like him.’

  Mummy says, ‘I can’t say you won’t see him, Jesika, but I can promise you that I won’t let him come anywhere near you or Toby ever again.’

  I cuddle Mummy tight and I can feel her heart thump-thump-thumping on my cheek.

  Nandini’s cheeks are shiny and she wipes them with her hand and Emma stands up and cuddles Nandini from ahind and whispers something in her ear and Nandini says, ‘I know, but that little girl is still …’ and she stops and Emma squeezes harder and whispers something else.

  I say, ‘What about Paige?’

  Mummy says, ‘What do you mean?’

  I say, ‘Can you not let Ryan come near Paige as well? Cos I think she doesn’t like him too.’

  Mummy kisses my head and says, ‘That’s not up to me, Jesika darling. Lorna has to decide that.’

  Emma says, ‘And if she won’t?’ She lets go of Nandini and she stands up tall and she looks scary cos she isn’t smiling. She says, ‘Tina, you can’t leave it with Lorna, not if she’s going to ignore it.’

  Mummy blows out a breath. ‘But it might not be happening.’

  I say, ‘Ignore what?’

  Mummy says, ‘And who do I tell?’

  Emma says, ‘Social services.’

  Mummy says, ‘But how …?’

  Nandini says, ‘Or she could tell one of their teachers at preschool. That might be less scary and they’ll know how to handle it.’

  Preschool?

  I say, ‘It’s one more sleep afore I go to preschool yesterday,’ and Mummy presses her cheek on my head and cuddles me tight and tight and she says, ‘Do you think? Yes. Maybe. I need to think some more.’

  Ade says, ‘You have to trust yourself too, Tina.’

  Nandini says, ‘And we’re here for you any time, any day.’

  Mummy blows out a breath and cuddles me even more tight.

  26

  AFTER WE GET up and have breakfast, Mummy lets me and Toby watch telly for ages cos she has to stand in the kitchen and talk to lots of people on her phone and then after that it’s a rushy-busy morning. We rush to the washing machine shop first but Nandini says we don’t have to stay with our washing cos she can sort it out and then we rush to Ade’s for fruit and vegetables and Ade does a magic strawberry for me and Toby and then we rush to the big food shop and we rush to the doctors cos they have to listen to Toby’s chest and Mummy’s chest and the doctor says it’s all sounding much better and she wants to check it up again on another day and she says Mummy and Toby might cough for a bit longer but it will stop soon if they have all of the medicine and I tell Toby to listen to the doctor cos he keeps spitting his medicine on his chin and then we rush to the bank and Mummy talks to a man and then a lady and then we go all the way home again and Mummy says it’s lunchtime and we have to eat quick as quick cos we’re going to preschool early and I’m so excited cos I love, love, love preschool and I can’t wait to tell Paige about the car bath game cos I bet she’d like to play that too.

  Lots of grown-ups and children are coming out of preschool when we get there but they look different and I don’t know them and my heart thumps and thumps and I say, ‘Who are all those different people? Is preschool finished?’ and Mummy says, ‘No, that’s all the children who go in the morning,’ and, oh! There’s Dharesh! Mummy’s right! He does go to my preschool! Dharesh’s Mummy sees us and waves and Mummy stops and chats and I say to Dharesh, ‘I played car crashes in the bath!’

  Dharesh says, ‘I baked a biscuit and I got to decorate it all by myself,’ and he holds out a bag in his hand and there’s a biscuit and it’s got white icing and sparkly dots all over it.

  I say, ‘I want to do that!’

  Then Dharesh’s Mummy is hugging Mummy and she says, ‘Call me later if you want a brew and a chat,’ and Mummy says, ‘Thanks, Sabia,’ and then Mummy says it’s time to go in.

  Inside, Mummy tells me and Toby to play in the preschool room and Tamanna and Lauren are sitting at one of the tables eating their lunch and there’s no one else cos we’re the first ones here and Mummy’s gone into a different room that’s not a playing room with Stella and Kali. I show Toby all my fayvrit things like the house corner and the Feelings Dollies but not the hidey-hole under the slide cos Tamanna says we have to stay inside for now.

  After a long-a-long time, Mummy and Kali come into the preschool room and Mummy says, ‘Jesika, can you come here for a minute?’ and I run over and she says, ‘Stella and Kali want to ask you some questions about Ryan and Paige. Is that OK?’

  I say, ‘Are you coming too?’

  Mummy shakes her head and says, ‘I’m going to stay here with Toby.’

  My belly whizzes round fast and fast. I don’t want to say about Ryan and Paige to Stella cos she gets cross about things.

  Mummy says, ‘It’s OK, poppet. Remember how you can tell me anything? That’s the same with Stella and Kali because I’m saying it’s OK,’ and she blinks her eyes one-two-three.

  I say, ‘But why can’t you come too?’

  Mummy says, ‘Because Stella and Kali want to hear your words, not what I remember you saying, and that’ll be easier if I’m not in the room.’

  I frown, cos I don’t know what Mummy means.

  Mummy says, ‘It’s only for a few minutes, poppet.’

  And Kali crouches down and says, ‘What toy would you like to bring with you?’

  I say, ‘Can I bring Baby Annabelle?’

  Mummy says, ‘She’s under the buggy.’

  We all go through to the peg room and Mummy gives me Baby Annabelle and then Kali takes me into a different room that’s got chairs and a little table and a sink and cupboards and a kettle and pictures on the wall.

  Stella’s sitting next to a window and she’s got a book on her knees and a pen in her hand and she smiles and says, ‘Sit wherever you like, Jesika,’ and her voice isn’t squeaky like normal and my belly squeezes and squashes. I don’t know where to sit but I don’t want to sit next to Stella in case she gets cross so I pick a chair far away and then Kali sits down next to me and she turns herself round so she’s facing me and now I can’t see Stella and I can only see Kali’s face and Kali won’t be cross.

  Kali asks me to tell her about Ryan and Paige and I say about him hurting Paige and hurting me and being so cross and scary and saying about the naughty thing that Mummy said was a lie and when I’m finished Kali says, ‘Jesika, have you ever seen Ryan hurt Paige?’

  I say, ‘No, cos the bathroom door was shut.’

  Kali says, ‘Ryan and Paige were in the bathroom?’

  I say, ‘No, I was in the bath and Ryan hurted Paige afore she got in the bath but I didn’t see cos the door was shut.’

  Kali says, ‘How do you know he hurt her?’

  I say, ‘Paige told me.’

  Kali asks me to tell her about what Paige said and I do and then she says, ‘Thank you, Jesika. You’ve been very helpful.’

  I say, ‘Will you tell Ryan to not hurt Paige? Cos then I can be Paige’s friend again.’

  Kali says, ‘You’re a good friend, Jesika,’ and she stands up and says, ‘Let’s get you back to your Mummy,’ and she holds out her hand and I don’t know if she’s going to tell Ryan or not.

  Kali takes me out of the room and back into the preschool room and Mummy picks up Toby and we all go to the peg room and there’s some grown-ups and children I know that go to my preschool like Amber and Big Toby and I see Paige and Lorna and I shout, ‘Paige! Paige!’ and Lorna drops Paige’s coat and bag on the floor and she rushes up to Mummy and she looks so so cross and she says, ‘Have you been talking about us? Have you told her? You have, haven’t you? You’ve told her! How could you?’ And she turns to Kali and she says, ‘It’s lies, it’s vicious, vicious lies made up by a damaged and twisted little girl.’ And I look at Paige and she’s standing at the door not moving and I want to go and talk to her but Mummy’s grabbed my hand and she’s squeezin
g it tight and Kali says, ‘Lorna, come and talk to me. We’ll go somewhere quiet while Paige plays.’

  Lorna says, ‘She’s not playing with her!’ and she spins round and rushes back to Paige and she picks up Paige’s coat and bag and she shouts, ‘And there’s nothing to talk about!’ and she grabs Paige’s hand and pulls her to the door but there’s lots of other children and Mummies and Daddies coming in and she has to wait and Mummy steps forwards and says, ‘Lorna, please.’

  Lorna turns and stares at Mummy and her face is scary and I don’t like it.

  Mummy says, ‘Ask her. Please, please just ask her.’

  Lorna shouts, ‘You make me sick,’ and she pushes past Azim and his Mummy and drags Paige out of the door and disappears.

  The peg room is quiet after she goes and everyone’s looking at Mummy, and Big Toby says, ‘Why did that lady shout, Daddy?’ and I look at Mummy and she’s crying. Mummy’s crying! Kali rubs her hand on Mummy’s back and Stella comes into the peg room and she’s telling everyone in her squeaky-happy voice to hang up coats and bags and go into preschool quickly and stop staring, Amber, and time to say goodbye to Daddy, Lucia, and she hurries and rushes everyone away til it’s just me and Mummy holding Toby, and Kali and Stella.

  Kali’s talking to Mummy and Mummy’s wiping her eyes and Toby’s wriggling and wriggling til Mummy puts him down and he runs over to his buggy and picks up Zebra and he bumps down on his bottom and plays with Zebra on the floor.

  Stella bends down to me and holds my hand and says, ‘Come on, Jesika, let’s get you inside too. Mummy’s having a chat with Kali and she’ll be just fine,’ but she won’t be fine cos she’s still crying and I don’t know why Stella’s being all squeaky-happy when Mummy’s crying and I don’t want to go, I want to stay with Mummy and I hold tight and tight to Mummy’s hand and press my face against Mummy’s arm and Stella tugs my other hand and says, ‘Come on, Jesika, we’ll show your Mummy how grown up you are,’ and she tugs again.

  Mummy says, ‘Let Jesika make her own decisions, please,’ and her voice is snappy like a crocodile and Stella stands up fast and her mouth is smiling but her eyes are zapping and Mummy cuddles me tight and Kali says, ‘It’s all right, Stella, I’ll bring her in when she’s ready,’ and Stella sniffs and then walks away into preschool.

  Mummy crouches down and she’s not crying now and she says, ‘Jesika, it’s time to go in, OK? I’ll be back for you very soon.’

  I whisper in Mummy’s ear, ‘I don’t want to go.’

  Mummy says, ‘You don’t have to, but you really wanted to this morning, didn’t you?’

  I whisper, ‘But Paige isn’t going and I won’t have anyone to play with.’

  Kali crouches down too and she says, ‘We’re making biscuits today and there’s some new scooters to try in the outside area. Do you think you might like that?’

  I press my face up to Mummy’s and she cuddles me tight and she says, ‘That sounds like fun, doesn’t it?’

  I say, ‘Dharesh put icing and sparkly bits on his biscuit.’

  Kali says, ‘You can do that too.’

  I say, ‘Can I do it now?’ and Mummy smiles and Kali says, ‘You certainly can,’ and I say, ‘And can I try the scooters after?’ and Kali says, ‘Yes, of course you can,’ and she holds out her hand and I hold it and she doesn’t tug and I let go of Mummy’s hand and Kali stands up and Mummy kisses me and says, ‘Have fun, poppet. I can’t wait to see your biscuit,’ and I go into preschool with Kali.

  I don’t get to make one biscuit, I get to make THREE biscuits cos Kali says I can make a biscuit for Mummy to cheer her up and then she says I should make one for me and Toby too cos then everyone will have one, and after I get a turn on the scooters with Azim and Amber and we play races and Amber does super-fast zooming cos she says she’s got her own scooter and I try to do it fast too but it’s tricky and Tamanna says I have to keep practising but then it’s Lucia’s turn and Tamanna says I can practise tomorrow.

  I do painting and jigsaws and trains and water play with the bubbles but I don’t go in the house cos when I go to the door I think about Paige and I feel sad cos she’s not here and Lorna’s angry and I don’t know why.

  Mummy’s waiting in the peg room with Toby at home-time and she smiles and smiles when I show her my three biscuits that I maked. Cos it’s sunny and not rainy, we go to the park on the way home and Mummy says we can eat our biscuits and they are yummy and then me and Toby play for ages on the playground til Mummy says it’s getting too cold and we have to go home.

  The wind is bitey on my nose and my cheeks and Mummy says we need to hurry quick cos it’s not good weather for Toby’s cough and I think it’s not good weather for my fingers too cos the wind is biting them right through my gloves and they hurt. I tell Mummy and Mummy says we’ll be home soon and in the warm, but when we get home, Mummy is cross cos the pilot in the boiler has gone again and that means our house is shivery-cold and all our breathing is coming out of our mouths like smoke.

  I say, ‘Where did the pilot go?’

  But I don’t think Mummy’s listening is switched on cos she’s only talking to the boiler in a cross voice and not talking to me.

  I go back into the living room and I look out of the window. I can see Ade way, way down. He’s moving all the fruit and vegetables back into the shop cos it’s almost time to pull the shutter down and go home. I know cos the shutter is already halfway down so people know they can’t shop there now. I keep waving and waving at him but he doesn’t see me and I shout, ‘Ade! Ade!’ but he doesn’t hear me.

  Mummy shouts from the kitchen, ‘Keep away from that window, Jesika!’

  I say, ‘I know, Mummy.’ I’m not even touching it. I know I’m not allowed.

  It’s a bit dark outside. Not night-time dark but the dark just afore night when the street lights come on and make the night-orange. They go pink first and if you look and look and look they change to orange. But I never see them change. It just happens without me seeing even though I’m looking. I think it’s magic and so does Mummy.

  CRASH!

  I run into the kitchen and Toby runs in ahind me. I say, ‘What was that crash, Mummy?’

  Mummy’s leaning her head on the boiler and her eyes are closed. She opens them and says, ‘Just me hitting the boiler.’

  I say, ‘Does that make the pilot come back?’

  Mummy blows out a breath and says, ‘Unfortunately, no. But I feel better.’

  I say, ‘Do you mean it makes your cough go away?’ and Mummy laughs and pulls her phone out of her pocket and then she goes into the living room and she’s looking on the table and in the drawer and under the buggy and in her bag and I say, ‘What are you looking for, Mummy?’

  Mummy says, ‘My phone charger. You know, the thing I plug my phone into sometimes. Have you seen it?’

  I say, ‘Maybe it’s in the bedroom,’ and Mummy goes to look in there but she doesn’t find it and she doesn’t find it in the bathroom or the kitchen and she’s getting more and more cross and then she comes back into the living room and she says, ‘Right,’ and she bends down and picks up Toby and says, ‘Come on, we’ll pop downstairs and see if Emma or Nandini have a charger I can borrow, and maybe they know how to get the boiler going again too.’

  We all put our shoes and coats on and go out the door and I hold Toby’s hand while Mummy shuts the door and twists the key and then she picks Toby up and we walk to the top of the stairs and Mummy stops and turns fast and says, ‘Back to the flat, NOW!’ and I hear a voice shouting, ‘Tina! Wait!’ and Mummy runs to our door and she’s twisting the key and opening the door and the voice is still shouting Mummy’s name and I know that voice, and I don’t like that voice and my heart is thumping and thumping and we go through the door and Mummy pushes the door shut but a foot squashes into the gap and Mummy’s pushing and pushing but she can’t close the door and I can hear Ryan huffing and puffing and he says, ‘I just want to talk, Tina! I need you to understand!’ and Mum
my pushes and pushes and she turns her face to me and she says, ‘Jesika, pick up Thomas and get Toby to chase you into the bedroom. Like a game, OK? And you shut the door and stay there until I say so, OK?’ But I don’t think it is a game cos Mummy’s voice is saying, ‘Do it RIGHT NOW,’ like she’ll get cross and shouty if I don’t.

  I run to the table where Thomas is and pick him up and my legs are wobbly and I can see my breath puffing out of my mouth fast and fast and I say to Toby, ‘Look what I’ve got, Toby!’ and my voice is wobbly too and Toby reaches out his hands and says, ‘Thom-thom!’ and I think he’s going to cry so I smile and waggle the train in my hand and say, ‘Chase me, Toby!’ and Toby gets up and he runs after me and when we’re both in the bedroom I put Thomas on the floor and shut the door. Toby presses the button and Thomas chuff-chuffs across the carpet and Toby crawls after him. I kneel at the door and push the dressing gown to the side so I can peep through and the door to our house is open.

  Ryan is in our house.

  He says, ‘I can’t help who I am, Tina. I didn’t choose to be this person,’ and Mummy’s stepping backwards away from him and she says, ‘I want you to leave, Ryan.’

  I want Ryan to go away too.

  Ryan says, ‘I didn’t mean it to happen. I swear I didn’t. And I promise I never touched Jesika.’

  He touched me lots of times like when he played tickle monster and when he hurted my hand. Does Mummy know he’s telling lies again?

  Mummy says, ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’

  Ryan holds out his hands and his mouth is making a funny shape, all big and stretchy, and he says, ‘Why did you have to tell Lorna?’ He steps forward and Mummy steps back. ‘Why didn’t you talk to me first? If you’d told me to go and get help, I would have listened to you but now everything is ruined. Why didn’t you talk to me first?’

  Mummy says, ‘Please, Ryan, please just go.’

  Ryan’s not listening to Mummy. He steps forward again and Mummy steps back til she’s next to the little table. She needs to use her Big Voice. Use your Big Voice, Mummy!