Losing Her

by Cori Williams

  * * *

  Campbell

  It had been two weeks since Conner had been put on leave, and it hadn’t been easy—we’d had our ups and downs, more downs than anything really, but I thought we were going to get through it. He was very bitter about his suspension though, and has his mind set that he was done with the police force. I didn’t really know where we were going from here, I guessed I just had to wait and see.

  I had started working more alongside Lawson, and so far it hadn’t been a problem, between the two of us or for my marriage. The guilt was still eating away at me though, everyday it chipped away and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take it.

  I had just finished packing my bag when Conner walked into the room, a newspaper in his hand and his phone in the other. “Looking at jobs?”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure if I’ve really found anything good though. You sure you really have to go?”

  I sighed, turning around and dropping the rest of my things in my bag. “I really don’t have to go, I can stay here with you. That’s what I’d rather do anyway.”

  “Campbell, I don’t need you here to babysit me.” He shook his head, smiling wryly. “Besides, I thought you said this client was a big one, this is good right?”

  “It is,” I agreed. Lawson had been wanting me to take on more responsibility with the label that he started on his own, even approaching me to come aboard as a co-founder. I hadn’t given him an answer yet. I wasn’t sure if it would really be that great of an idea, even though it would have been an amazing opportunity. Lawson had great potential to become something huge with the background he had.

  “You could always come with me,” I suggested, and my chest clenched when Conner shook his head. We’d had this discussion several times and he refused to go. I just felt like I was making a really bad decision leaving him by himself.

  “Nah, so I can be stuck in a hotel room all day while you’re out doing your thing? I’m good, Campbell. Besides, I have a few job prospects lined up, maybe I’ll get an interview or two set up. I’ll be fine, baby. Promise.” He kissed my lips and shooed me with his hand. “Now finish up packing or you’re gonna be late.”

  “Okay,” I answered quietly, knowing all too well that his promises had easily been broken before. What could stop him now?

  * * *

  My trip went by quicker than I expected. Lawson was very distant the whole time, keeping things purely professional, which only confused me. When I brought it up, he looked at me strangely, and said that’s what he thought I wanted. What I wanted. I wasn’t even really sure what I wanted. I felt like my heart was being pulled in two directions and Conner was completely oblivious. He didn’t deserve that whatsoever.

  I was braving myself for what I would find once I pulled into the driveway and entered the house. I had kept in constant contact with Conner since I left, and he sounded find, but he was very good at putting on a show, something that I had learned very quickly.

  “Conner?” I called from the doorway, depositing my keys in the bowl of the hallway table. I found him in the bedroom with the lights off, sitting in the armchair. “Conner?” I repeated hesitantly. “What are you doing?” I flipped on the bedside light and he turned towards me, glaring.

  “Have a nice trip?” he spat, and I stepped backwards, feeling the heat of his words and the confusion slapped me in the face.

  “Um…I guess, everything went well.”

  “I bet it did. How’s Lawson doing?”

  “Fine,” I shrugged my shoulders. “He’s happy with the progress, so that’s a good thing. Why do you seem upset? Have you been drinking?”

  “Why is that always the first damn question you ask me?” he snapped, jumping to his feet. “Don’t think I don’t know what you did with Lawson, Campbell. I see every fucking thing.”

  “What?” My worst fear was coming true. He knew.

  “You said you’d never been with Lawson. Is that true?”

  “I don’t…why does it matter? Why are you asking now?”

  “Just answer the question Campbell. Have things always been just friends between the two of you?”

  “There was something between us ages ago, Conner. Why does it matter?”

  “Has he ever fucked you, Campbell?”

  “Conner,” I deadpanned, taken back by the question.

  “Answer the question.” He stepped closer and I inhaled deeply, trying to see if I could smell the scent of alcohol; but I didn’t, so he either hadn’t been drinking or he was somehow covering it up really well. I scanned the room with my eyes, looking for any empty bottles or glasses, but didn’t spot anything. “Look at me.” He forced my chin towards him with one finger. “And answer the question.”

  “Fine, yes, we’ve been together. A long time ago, when we were still kids. There, are you happy?”

  “No! I knew there was a reason he looks at you the way he does, the same way I look at you. He still wants you Campbell. I don’t think working with him is a good idea—not for our relationship to survive at least.”

  “Seriously, Conner? You’re worried about that now? Don’t you think you’ve had plenty of a helping hand to cause problems?”

  “Don’t even try to turn this around on me.” He smacked at the wall behind my head, causing my ears to ring. “I don’t want you going on any more of these little trips. And I’ll find something soon, then you won’t need to work anymore.”

  “I like working, Conner, and I’m sorry that you can’t see that. I don’t want to sit at home and do nothing all day while my husband supports me. That’s just not me. I understand you want to spend time with me but we can work it out, most married couples do.”

  “And what about when we have kids? Are you going to work then? I want you home with them, raising them like you should.”

  “I don’t know, Conner. Do you really think we even need to think about having kids right now? Would you want to bring a child into this situation? The fighting is tiring, the back and forth, one minute you love me and all is right in the world, the next you hate me and turn towards a bottle to soothe away whatever pain you’re feeling at the moment. Do you really want another human being to have to deal with that?”

  He bounced back on his feet, his eyes wild. “You don’t think I would be a good father? I would be the best, so don’t go making your fucking assumptions. That’s bullshit, Campbell, you and I both know that.

  “That’s not what I’m saying, Conner. We need to talk about this when we’re both a little calmer. Alright?”

  “Fuck that, Cam. You’re always trying that shit with me. Quit trying to change who I am. Just let me be me.”

  “Let you be you? Fine, then be the man I married! That would be the man I would want to have children with. That’s the man I loved! I thought you were doing better but I don’t even know who you are anymore. I can’t handle this, Conner. I just can’t.” I ran out of the room and straight for the front door, slamming it behind me and heading for my car. I didn’t know where I was going, but anywhere was better than here.

  Chapter 31

  Lawson

  MY DOORBELL RINGING woke me from a dead sleep, and I glanced at the clock next to me through blurred vision, seeing it was almost two o’clock in the morning. I jumped to my feet, knowing that something couldn’t be right. I managed to pull on a pair of shorts as I hopped down the stairs, and swung the door open only to find Campbell standing on my front porch. She was chewing on her bottom lip, her hands wrung together tightly, and my shoulders sagged as I waved her in.

  “Campbell, what the hell are you doing here? Is everything alright?”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” she answered quietly. “Is everything alright with us? This trip seemed awfully strained.”

  I rubbed at my eyes, collapsing onto the couch, as she fell into the spot next to me. “That’s why you showed up on my front porch at two in the morning? Couldn’t you have just called?”

  “I don’t know, Lawson,” she sighed loudly,
flopping against the back of the couch. “Sometimes I just wish everything would go back to how it was.”

  “Well that seems like it’s coming out of left field….” I grunted, sliding my elbows onto my knees. “I thought things were better. Did he lay a hand on you?”

  “No, he didn’t, I just…I don’t know. Everything always seems so complicated.”

  “Well….” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. Campbell’s life had always seemed to be complicated; first her family life with her mom and that mess, her brother not wanting to do really anything with her after they were so close, and then her dad—And now, her husband. I wished I could fix it all, I would have if she would have let me, but it was like she was determined to make something right, and right now, that something was her husband.

  “So are you going to answer my question? You were so standoffish in Nashville. I think Chase even noticed the tension. Do you not want to work together anymore?”

  Yes. That was what I wanted to say, but my mouth and brain wouldn’t cooperate. Yes would have be the smart answer. Working so closely with Campbell was like torture to every being of my body, but it was a slow, painful torture that I kept inflicting because I’d rather be tortured than not be around her.

  “No of course not. I’m just not really sure how to act around you since....” I waved my hand, not wanting to bring up that night at the hotel. I’d thought about it enough though, day in and day out.

  “I just want things to be normal between us again, but that’s not going to happen, is it?” she asked quietly. “Everything changed in that one night.” And then she asked me a question I wished she would’ve never asked me because there was no way in hell I would be able to say no. “Would you do it again?” She blew out a shaky breath and I could see the inner turmoil she was struggling with as she fidgeted on my couch, hands tucked under her knees.

  “Yes,” I answered in a heartbeat. “Even if I can only have you for a moment, I would never pass up the chance, Campbell. Being with you…is like nothing I can explain. I just wish it could be something we always had, forever.”

  Her lashes turned down for a millisecond before she was jumping to her feet. I was guessing she was going to run, dart for the door and back into the darkened sky; but instead, she closed the distance between us and launched herself onto my lap, crashing her lips against mine. I returned the kiss and so much more, sighing against her, drinking her in. Assuming I would only have this for such a short amount of time, I was taking everything I could get. She flicked her tongue against mine and I pressed even harder against her lips as she squeezed her legs around my waist. I pushed to my feet, keeping her wrapped around me, and headed towards the bedroom. I needed her in my bed.

  “Campbell,” I asked after placing her in the center, her eyes hooded, her breaths coming in short spurts as I hovered over her. I wanted to sink into her so badly, but something was holding me back. “Why did you really come here tonight?”

  She turned her head from me, but I grabbed at her chin, forcing her to look into my eyes. “Why did you show up on my doorstep at two in the morning?”

  She chewed on her bottom lip, “Conner and I had an argument. I needed to get out of there. He didn’t hit me or anything,” she quickly added.

  “So let me get this straight,” my jaw tightened and she tensed beneath me. “You came running over here because you had an argument with your husband? I’m always going to be the second choice, aren’t I?’

  “No of course not,” she argued. “It’s not like that with you, Lawson.”

  “It’s not? Really? So if you hadn’t gotten into a big fight with Conner where would you be right now? With him, am I right? Probably letting him fuck you, just like you’ve been letting him since we were together.”

  “He’s my husband, Lawson. Did you really expect me not to? I’m sorry.”

  “Not as sorry as I am. You’re nothing but a whore aren’t you?” I pressed the tip of my cock against her wet entrance and her eyes widened, a flash of pain tensing her features.

  “I’m not,” she whispered, to which I grunted.

  “You’re not? Going back and forth between your husband and another guy? That sure sounds like the definition of a whore to me.”

  “I think I should go.” She squirmed beneath me and I shook my head.

  “Not happening, Campbell. You’re gonna get exactly what you came here for. You must like my dick if you keep running back to it. Is it bigger than his? Does he make you scream as loud as I do?” I removed her clothes in a frenzied pace until she was laying completely naked and beautiful underneath me. I tugged on my boxers with one hand. “Answer me.”

  “Stop it,” she demanded quietly, but a breathy moan escaped when I stuck my hand between us, plunging one, and then two fingers in.

  “See, you like this don’t you?” I quickened the pace and her hips bucked. “Does he make you feel like this with just his fingers? Does he?”

  Campbell moaned and shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut. “Say it, Campbell.” I removed my fingers and she whimpered with need. “Say it. Now.”

  “No,” she whispered, and as soon as she said the word, I was roughly sinking my fingers back into her. A woosh of breath escaped from her lips and her eyes widened, when I pulled them out once again, grabbing onto her hips and flipping her over. I yanked at her hips aggressively, pointing her ass straight in the air.

  “Tell me how much you want this, Campbell. You must if you showed up on my doorstep instead of being home with your husband right now.” I traced my fingers over the small of her back before dropping them to the curve of her ass and then smacking it, loving the red tint my hand left “Tell me,” I reached around, flicking at her clit, and she arched backwards into my dick, grinding her ass into it.

  “Yes, Lawson,” she panted. “I want you to fuck me, I want you inside my pussy. Please, Lawson,” she begged and I couldn’t wait any longer. I thrusted into her harshly with one push, and she gasped before moaning. My fingers dug into her hips and the sound of her ass slamming against me every time I pumped in and out just unleashed the animal inside of me, and I pounded into her mercifully.

  She screamed my name and it took everything inside of me not to fully lose it. My name on her lips, breathy and moaning, is exactly how it should have sounded, how it should always have sounded—But she only came running to me when there was trouble, and thinking about it once again pissed me the hell off.

  I pulled out of her abruptly and twisted her over. Her mouth gaped open in question, and I stuck my dick in her waiting mouth. She squirmed underneath me, gagging, but soon relaxed, taking all of me. I finished in two pumps and she took it all. Every last drop. I pushed off the bed, trying to return my breathing to normal, but the adrenaline was pumping through my veins and I couldn’t look at her in my bed anymore. I just couldn’t.

  I pointed one finger and she looked at me with wide eyes, her bottom lip trembling like she knew what was coming, so I looked away. “Get the hell out of my house, Campbell.”

  Chapter 32

  Campbell

  I WASN’T SURE what I was really doing there. I had been walking aimlessly through town for at least two hours. My hair was a stringy mess, my face free of any makeup, with bags under my eyes and the clothes that I was wearing were swallowing me up. I’d been getting sick quite often lately, and couldn’t seem to keep anything down. I knew it was because of stress, everything eating away at me. I knew Lawson was upset about the way he had treated me the other night, and he’d been wallowing at my feet ever since, but it’s what I deserved. I was a whore, plain and simple. Just like good old mom. When I thought back about it, she had good reason to cheat on my dad. He probably had a drinking problem way back when, but I was too young to notice the signs and saw him as only a hero.

  Me, I had no excuse. If things had been different, I would have been married to Lawson, maybe that’s what I was holding onto and why I couldn’t let him go. I knew he wanted me to leave Conner
. I wanted to leave Conner, but he had absolutely no one to take care of him. What if me leaving him put the final nail in his coffin and he drank himself to death, just like my dad? I didn’t know if I could carry that guilt around as well.

  My foot caught on something and I was pulled from my train of thought, as I corrected myself and realized that I had come to the set of railroad tracks at the end of town. I had walked at least five miles without even noticing where I was going. I looked left to right, not seeing or hearing anything, so I collapsed on the cool metal, tucking my feet underneath me.

  I dug my fingernails into my wrist and the thought that had been crossing my mind for the last week slammed into me once again. I could have just taken the simple way out. That would have been so much easier. At least then I wouldn’t have had so much drama in my life—Well, I wouldn’t have had a life, really. I laughed dryly out loud and picked up a rock before chucking it down the hill, watching it tumble down the green grass. How would I do it? Something quick and painless, over before I know it. Or I could just stay on these train tracks for the rest of the day until something comes along. Painless not so much, but maybe then I wouldn’t be in so much pain on the inside. Quit being stupid, Campbell. You’re not that person. You’re a fighter, even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. I could be strong. I just needed to do what was best for me and stop worrying about everyone else like I had done for most of my life.

  I had been trapped underneath a veil of thick inky black darkness for so long, Conner forcing me to stay there, but I couldn’t keep letting it happen. I was determined to get to the surface, even if I had to leave him behind because he refused to do anything differently.

  “What are you doing?” A deep voice asked. My head snapped up and I locked eyes with Lawson. He was standing a few feet away from me, his hands tucked into his jeans, his plain t-shirt pulled tight across his chest. I blew out a deep breath, knowing what my decision was going to be, what it needed to be, and what always should’ve been. Who was I kidding? Did I really think Lawson had been waiting around for me to make a ‘decision’? He didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I was no better than the girls who used to chase him, only worrying about one thing.