The Rhythm of My Heart

by Velvet Reed

  As the sun shines through Dad’s open door, Cole’s face comes into view. He looks just as sad and broken as I do, but he has no right. I didn’t lie to him or keep secrets.

  “Gracie,” he says, his voice cracking and full of desperation. “Please, talk to me.”

  I stand here looking into the face of the man who I love, the father of my child, and the man who broke my heart. “No,” I say, as I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk to you, Cole. I don’t want you to make promises you obviously can’t keep, and I don’t want to hear your excuses or lies.”

  “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “A lie by omission is still a lie, especially since I asked you about her on more than one occasion.”

  His gaze goes to his feet as he shuffles them nervously. “What about the baby?” he asks when he looks as me again.

  My hand instinctively goes to my stomach in a protective gesture, and I don’t miss the fact that Cole’s eyes track the movement. He stares at my stomach and I feel my chest tighten. This should have been a happy time. We should be celebrating.

  “I’ll let you know more once I’ve seen Sam. I’d never keep my child from its father, Cole,” I say.

  “That’s it? We’re not going to talk about everything?”

  “No. I have to go,” I say, and move past him and head for my car. I can’t stay here any longer.

  “Gracie, please,” Cole desperately pleads again, but I continue walking away without looking back.

  It’s then I hear my dad’s voice. “Just let her go, Cole. She needs time.”

  Once I’m seated in my car and the engine roars to life, I chance one last glance at the house. My dad is standing behind Cole with his hand on his shoulder in comfort and support as a few stray tears trickle down Cole’s face. Who knew your heart could break more than once in a day? I sure as hell didn’t.

  Chapter 34

  Grace….

  It’s been a week since Cole and I broke up outside the hospital. A week since I last saw him or spoke to him. A week since I last spoke to my dad, Charlie, or Ashley. They’ve called and messaged me relentlessly, especially Cole. I’m sure they even went to my house, but I decided I couldn’t be there, so I went out of town for a few days. I needed to try to get my head together.

  I made my appointment with Sam the day after the hospital scene and made him swear he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. I know doctors have a confidentiality oath, but he’s Cole’s best friend and brother, so I wanted to make doubly sure he’d keep his mouth shut.

  So, here I am waiting in Sam’s office at the hospital, hoping and praying I don’t run into Cole. I didn’t want anyone here with me today. I’m still reeling from the events of the previous week; right now, I know I couldn’t handle seeing Cole yet.

  I’m looking through a pregnancy magazine when Sam walks into his waiting area.

  “Gracie,” he calls softly.

  I look up into his sympathetic eyes and muster all my strength to produce a fake smile. “Hi, Sam,” I greet, with too much enthusiasm.

  His brow furrows, but he replies, “Come on. Let’s see how this little one is doing,” he says, gesturing toward the door he just came through.

  Replacing the magazine, I make my way into his office and take a seat while he closes the door. Immediately, he’s in front of me and pulls me into a hug. “I know this is slightly unprofessional,” he chuckles. I take comfort in his arms and hug him back.

  “How are you?” he asks.

  “I’m okay, I guess,” I reply, letting go and taking a seat while he walks around to his side of the desk.

  “Everyone’s been worried about you, you know. Cole’s not doing well.”

  I blow out a frustrated breath, and simply reply, “I didn’t want to speak to anyone.”

  Cole’s not the only one who isn’t doing well, but this appointment is about my baby, not Cole.

  “Sam. I don’t mean to be rude, but can we not talk about that stuff right now.”

  “Uh, sure. All right, let’s start then.”

  Sam gets straight into doctor mode. I tell him all about my history and conditions, symptoms I’ve had, the fact I can’t be sure when my last period was because I haven’t had one since before I started seeing Cole. He asks if I’ve been sick and I tell him I haven’t, but then I remember the food poisoning I had only weeks after Cole and I started seeing each other. Shit, that was months ago; surely that can’t be why.

  When he’s gathered all the information he needs, weighed me, taken my blood pressure, and had a nurse come take some blood, Sam says he wants to do an ultrasound to have a look to see if we can determine how far along I am by measuring the baby’s size.

  I’m taken to a room off Sam’s office and asked to get up on the exam bed. The thought suddenly occurs to me that Sam being my OBGYN means he will almost definitely have to see my lady bits. Oh my God! Slightly freaking out, I nervously look around, trying to think of a way to get out of this.

  Sam enters the room with a big smile, but it instantly vanishes when he sees my face. “Gracie what’s wrong?”

  I twist my hands together and can’t look at him “I, uh. I just realized the implications of you being my doctor,” I nervously whisper.

  “Oh,” Sam replies, “I honestly didn’t think of that. I mean you’re my friend and this baby is, basically, family, but when you’re here as a patient that’s what I see you as… just a patient. But I understand and if this is too awkward and uncomfortable for you, I can refer you to someone else.”

  I take all he’s said in, and I know Sam is the consummate professional. I know he would take better care of my baby and me than any other doctor could. He does this every day as his job; there’s no need for me to be embarrassed in front of him. So, I know without a doubt I want him to be my doctor. “Well, as long as you don’t feel strange about it, then I won’t either. This baby deserves the best and that’s what it will get.”

  Sam’s smile brightens and he takes a seat at the ultrasound machine beside the exam table. “Okay, so just lift your shirt up over your stomach and lower the waist of your pants a little. I’m hoping we’ll be able to get a good view with this ultrasound.”

  After squirting the cold gel on my stomach, Sam picks up the camera thingy attached to the machine and starts running it across the gel spreading it over my belly. Within seconds, a whooshing sound fills the room and I start to panic. “What’s that?” I ask.

  “That, Gracie, is your baby’s heartbeat, and it sounds nice and strong, too,” Sam replies.

  Tears instantly prick my eyes as I listen, mesmerized by the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My baby.

  “Wow,” Sam says.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s perfect, Gracie. Just give me a second to take some measurements.”

  I wait very impatiently for Sam to do what he has to do, trying to focus again on the rhythm of my little miracle’s heartbeat.

  A few minutes pass before Sam turns the screen toward me. “Okay, see this,” he says, pointing at the screen. My eyes focus in on where Sam’s finger is. “That’s your baby’s heart.”

  “Oh, my God!” I barely whisper.

  “And this is the head,” Sam says, as he points to another part of the screen.

  “I didn’t realize it would be so big or so clear this early in the pregnancy.”

  “It’s not usually, Gracie. The first ultrasound usually shows only a little sac. Yours is like this because according to the measurements I just took, you’re already about fifteen weeks pregnant.”

  “What?” I ask, sure I’ve heard him incorrectly.

  “You’re already fifteen weeks, Gracie, and the baby looks strong and growing exactly as it should at this stage. I would say you probably got pregnant after the food poisoning because the pill would have become ineffective.”

  Fifteen weeks. Apart from putting on a little weight and having sore boobs, I’ve had no other symptoms, no morning sickness
, nothing. I watch the screen intently and I’m overcome with awe, love, and wonder at the sight before me. I can see my baby’s head. I can see my baby’s heart beat and it’s the most amazing thing ever. Tears make their way slowly down my cheeks and Sam’s free hand clutches mine, but the feeling is foreign, and it suddenly hits me why. Cole’s hand should be the one holding mine; Cole should be standing beside me taking in the sight of our child; Cole should be sharing this with me. But he’s not, and I’m suddenly wondering if that’s his fault or mine.

  After I clean up the gel and fix myself up, Sam assures me again the baby is perfect. He gives me some prenatal vitamins, makes my next appointment, and then hands me a few pictures he took of the baby.

  “Thanks, Sam,” I say sincerely.

  “You’re welcome, Gracie. Just take it easy and look after yourself; look after my niece or nephew,” he smiles.

  I chuckle and nod, then I head for the door.

  “Gracie?”

  I turn back and wait for him to say something. He pauses for a minute, and then says, “I’m here if you need me.” Somehow, I know he was going to say something different.

  “I know, Sam. Thanks again.” And I leave his office knowing I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make.

  Chapter 35

  Cole….

  I bury my head in my pillow and try and fall back to sleep. Sleep is my escape from the numbness that has consumed me since Grace hopped in her car and left me behind.

  I’ve called her constantly and sent her more text messages than I care to think about, but all have gone unanswered. She’s all I can think about, well, her and our baby. Our baby. I never thought that I would say those words, especially, given Gracie’s medical history, but now they’re there and are reality, the words are perfect.

  It’s been a month since the day I lost her. Lost the love of my life because, without a doubt, that’s what she is. No one will ever come close to comparing to her; I will never feel for another woman the way I feel for Gracie. She won’t speak to me, and the only reason I know that everything is fine with the baby is because she left an envelope with an ultrasound picture and all the details from her appointment in my mailbox. Sam will only tell me that they’re both doing fine because he has to stick to doctor-patient confidentiality.

  It’s slowly killing me not being able to touch her, kiss her, or smell her. I haven’t been to work for the last week because I simply can’t function while I’m there; I refuse to put my patients at risk with my lack of concentration. I roll over and pull her pillow over my face. God, I wish it still smelt like her.

  The sound of the front door slamming shut has me pushing the pillow further into my face because I know exactly who’s here, and I really don’t want to deal with her right now.

  “Cole,” April calls out. Okay, not who I was expecting.

  “Cole Jonathon Tierney. Where are you?”

  Ahhh, there’s the voice I was expecting. I try to bury myself deeper into my bed wanting to disappear, but, unfortunately, when my bedroom door swings open, I know there’s no escaping the mighty Olivia Tierney.

  “Oh, for the love of God! April, open those damn curtains, and let some light in here,” she says. I can hear her moving about the room, no doubt picking up the dirty clothes lying around that I didn’t bother putting in the hamper.

  “I know you’re not asleep, Cole; so you may as well show your face and tell us what the hell is going on.”

  “Go away, Mom,” I mumble into the pillow.

  No words are said in reply, but the pillow is snatched away, and I’m greeted with my mother’s annoyed face.

  “Apparently, my son is sick and hasn’t been to work all week.”

  “I am sick.”

  “Well, imagine my surprise when I rang Grace this morning and she had no idea where you were or that you were even ill because you broke up a month ago,” she continues, her voice raising as she finishes the sentence.

  She’s speaking to me like a child, but I guess it’s warranted, since I’m sulking like one.

  “What’s going on, Cole? And I know you aren’t sick, so don’t give me any more of that rubbish.”

  I glance at my twin sister leaning against my dresser, silently, letting our mother handle the situation. Thanks for the help, sis.

  “Yes, we broke up, okay? And yes, I am lying here drowning in my own self-pity. I’d like to get back to it, actually,” I say, and reach for the pillow again, but it’s thrown to the floor.

  “You better start talking, Cole. I know you’re a grown man, but I will not have you throw away your career or your relationship with Grace Rivers.”

  “Fine. Fine. I’ll tell you.”

  Mom takes a seat on the bed beside me, while April stays where she is as I give them all the details of what happened between Gracie and me. By the time I’m finished, I realize that my face is wet and quickly scrub my hands over it to try to conceal my anguish.

  “That woman is such a bitch,” April spits.

  My back is instantly up and I jump to Gracie’s defense. “Don’t ever speak about Gracie that way again, April. You’re my sister, but that’s the woman I love you’re talking about.”

  Eyes wide and eyebrows raised, April smirks. “I was talking about Miranda, Cole, but it’s good to see a bit of fire in your eyes and for you to actually admit you love Gracie.”

  “Of course, I love her, but it doesn’t matter now. She doesn’t want me; she won’t talk to me, and I have no idea what’s going to happen with the baby.”

  “Baby? What baby?” Mom gasps, and her hand flies to her chest.

  “Oh, yeah, right, I forgot that part. Gracie’s pregnant. She didn’t even realize because she wasn’t having many symptoms and she was told she’d never be able to have children. But by some miracle, she’s pregnant and she found out the morning she came to the hospital and saw Miranda kissing me.”

  Both my mom and sister are speechless. Now that’s never happened before. I notice my mom’s gaze on my bedside chest where I left the ultrasound picture. She leans over, picks it up with trembling hands, and runs her finger across the hazy image. “I’m going to be a grandma,” she says, her voice full of wonder.

  “Yep, and I’m gonna be a dad,” I reply.

  “So what? You’re not even going to fight for her?” April asks, “You’re not going to fight for your family?”

  My little sister is really starting to piss me off. “I’ve tried, April. I’ve called her and messaged her constantly. I’ve even gone to her house and left flowers there, but when I went back a few days later, they were dead on the front porch exactly where I left them. She. Won’t. Talk. To. Me,” I spit out, exasperated that she isn’t listening to what I’m saying.

  “That’s not fighting for her!” April snaps back. “She’s heartbroken, Cole. She’s pregnant with your child and thinks you cheated on her, not to mention, that you stupidly kept all the details about Miranda a secret when I told you to be honest with her. A phone call or text message isn’t going to get Gracie back. Wake up to yourself, for goodness sake.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about, April, so mind your own business. I’ve tried and she doesn’t want me.”

  Mom is up on her feet in the blink of an eye. The next thing I know, the blanket and sheet are being ripped off my body, and she is looming over me. “Cole Jonathon Tierney, get your ass out of this bed right now. Stop acting like a whiny little wimp and start acting like the man your father and I taught you to be. This is my grandchild and I already love Grace like my own daughter. Now, I don’t care if you have to get on your knees and grovel or do some big grand gesture, but you will get them back. Do I make myself clear?”

  Holy shit, she hasn’t spoken to me like that in my entire life. I stare dumbly at my mother in complete shock, while April snickers in the corner.

  “Don’t just sit there, Cole. The shower is that way,” she says, pointing to the bathroom door. “Shower, shave, and b
ecome human again because you certainly aren’t going to get Gracie back looking the way you do.”

  I stumble out of bed, stand in front of my mom, and just stare at her. I may not have wanted to see her today or any day for that matter, but she’s exactly what I’ve needed. I’m a lucky guy to have a family who loves me and cares about me enough to call me out when I’m acting like a dick. So, I reach out, pull this amazing woman into my arms, and squeeze her tight. “I love you, Mom,” I tell her.

  She sighs and hugs me back just as tightly. “I love you, too, my handsome boy. But you really stink, Cole; so can you hug me after you get clean.”

  I can’t help but laugh at her blatant honesty. “Yeah, I’ll do that,” I say, and I head for the shower with a new determination to get back the woman I love and our child.

  Chapter 36

  Grace….

  I’m just over eighteen weeks pregnant. It’s crazy that I’ve only known about the baby for four weeks, and I’m already showing with a very obvious baby bump sticking out. I had another appointment with Sam today but no ultrasound. Everything’s going great. I’ve been reading up about everything pregnancy related, and I’m so excited that I should be able to feel the baby move any time now.

  I’m constantly thinking about the baby and I’m constantly thinking about Cole. I need to talk to him, but I don’t know how to approach him now. I’ve let my stubborn ass get in the way, and now I don’t know how to fix things. I’m still pissed that he wasn’t honest with me about Miranda, but as the last month has passed, I know in my heart that he didn’t kiss her. She was just trying to cause problems and get something that isn’t hers.

  I still love him fiercely and I want to share everything about the baby with him; it just doesn’t feel right not having him in my life. I haven’t replied to his messages and calls because I honestly didn’t know what to say. Today, he’s been on my mind constantly, since Olivia called and asked about him being sick. God, I hope he’s all right. It was obvious Olivia knew nothing about what happened at the hospital; she was completely shocked when I told her we weren’t together, but I refused to tell her why. That wasn’t up to me. But I miss them; I miss all of them, especially Cole.