Liquid Redemption (Liquid Regret Book 4)

by MJ Carnal

  The wave of loneliness hits me like a ton of bricks. Every time I say goodbye to him, or to Ray for that matter, I am overcome with sadness. I want to run after him but it’s time to take a deep breath, get on the bus, and head to the next show.

  I take a seat right at the window and look out. Enzo is talking to Chance but he’s looking at me. I flatten my hand on the window and he makes the same gesture before blowing me a kiss and jogging away.

  Chance looks at me before bending over and picking up something from the ground. Maybe I’m wrong about who he is. Maybe I’m not. But Lorenzo is right. Twenty years ago, the little boy who was my salvation was taken from me. He didn’t leave me. He didn’t choose to walk away like everyone else who ever loved me had done. It’s time I let go of the past.

  Chapter 13

  “Can I get a minute?” Lorenzo stops me on the way to the bus. I brace myself for a fight. I’m sure he noticed me checking Katrina out. I wouldn’t stand for anyone looking at my woman.

  I put my bag down and square my shoulders. I wave my bodyguard off. I deserve this. “Sure.”

  “Things with Kat are going to be a little different starting today. She thinks you’re someone she used to know. Whether you are or not, I don’t care. But tread lightly. She may come across as a pitbull but she’s not even close. Hurting her hurts me. Got it?”

  “Not really.” I look over my shoulder and see Katrina settling into a window seat on the bus.

  “Look, man. I love her more than I should and I will protect her until my dying breath. She had a hard life and she’s become part of my family. We protect our own. I’m turning a big piece of my heart over to you and you need to protect it. I don’t know what’s going on with you two and I don’t want to know. But be good to her. If you are who she thinks you are, be kind. Second chances don’t happen for everyone. Take care of her, Chance.”

  He looks up at Katrina and blows her a kiss. I’m so confused but seeing her saying goodbye to him with a simple glance makes my heart hurt. He’s letting her go and the pain is obvious in his eyes. He jogs off and I watch Katrina. She wipes a tear from her eyes and looks down.

  I pick up a rock near my foot. I need to remember this moment. I’m not sure what’s happening but I know it’s a turning point.

  Stepping onto the bus, I decide to sit next to her. She might chew me out but she looks lost and a part of me wants to save her. She doesn’t even look at me when I sit down. She’s busy picking at her nails and her eyes are puffing.

  “Hey, you dropped this.” I hand her the rock and she looks up at me with the same confusion she did the first time I gave her one.

  “Why do you keep giving me rocks?” She almost smiles when she puts it in her pocket. Someday, she’ll understand.

  I close my eyes and prepare for the ride. I’m determined to beat the anxiety this time. If they only knew why I’m so afraid of traveling, they’d laugh at me. It’s been twenty-three years since the accident and I’m still not over it.

  “Lenny.” Harley laughs when I jump. “When’s your birthday, dick?”

  I flip him the bird. No one has called me that since I was a kid. “May sixth. And don’t ever call me that, asshole.”

  Katrina almost knocks me out of my seat trying to get away. “Excuse me.”

  “You ok?” She doesn’t even make eye contact. She runs for the bathroom and closes the door. “She ok?”

  Harley sits down in her seat and sighs. “Listen, don’t shoot the messenger. She came to my room last night and was visibly upset. She told me you’d said something that made her think you were some kid she knew in El Monte. She said his name was Lenny. I don’t want to break her trust but the look on your face right now makes me think she’s right.”

  I can feel the blood drain from my face. My hands grip my legs in an attempt to anchor myself to reality. How in the fuck is this even possible?

  “I know you used to talk to Della about your past and I won’t push you. You know that. But it sounds like something shitty happened to Katrina and she had to go live in foster care. There was a kid in the first house that she got close to and then he was gone. I’ve seen you with the people you call your family and there’s no judgment here. But dude, if you’re really this kid, you need to talk to her. There’s obviously a lot more to this.”

  “This can’t be happening.” I take a couple deep breaths. This atomic bomb of information and the moving bus is enough to make me spiral into a full blown panic attack.

  “You know you can tell me anything. It won’t ever change anything between us. I don’t know what happened all those years ago. Whatever it was, it meant something to both of you. Maybe you should talk.”

  I’m on my feet before Harley can finish. I need to get to her. I try the doorknob but it’s locked. I knock lightly and she doesn’t respond.

  “Katrina,” I put my hand against the door. I need her to open it so I can see her.

  “I can’t right now, Chance.” Her voice cracks and it makes me want to rip the door from the hinges. “Not now.”

  “Save me from evil, from wrath from sin. Redemption I pray fore I wrong again.”

  Our newest song, Redemption, has the crowd on their feet. My voice is rough from being sick but it blends well with D’Rey’s so I keep going. Fitting that I’m singing about asking for forgiveness. I’ve kept my eyes locked on Katrina all night. It’s like I’m seeing her for the first time. Her dark hair, her dark eyes, her beautiful smile. How could I have not known the second I saw her?

  She hasn’t looked at me all night. Her eyes have stayed on Max and Harley. Her next story is Harley’s but I know it’s more than that. She’s avoiding me. I’m going to make that impossible tonight when I go to her room. She can’t run forever. We need to talk about this. I’ve thought about her my whole life. That isn’t something that can go unsaid.

  “I’m Chance, this is Harley, over there on drums is Max, and you all know D’Rey. We are Liquid Regret.” The crowd goes nuts. I drink it in. I’m going to need this energy when I fight Katrina later. She’s not going to just let me back in.

  We start the last song of our set. We always close with Adella. The crowd gets quiet as the eerie notes echo through the stadium. No matter how many times we play it, we get emotional. She was our rock. She was the glue that held us together. We’ve healed so much since her death and I know she’d be proud of all of us.

  When the last note sounds, the crowd is on their feet. I hug Harley and I’m overcome with pride. He’s whole again. I’d been so scared of losing him, too. We wouldn’t have survived losing both of them.

  Katrina is watching us closely. She finally makes eye contact with me. I don’t know how tonight will go but I want her to know my side. I need her to know I was wrecked when I had to leave.

  Chapter 14

  The knock at my door pulls me from my thoughts. Confirming who Chance really is has thrown my world off kilter. I think a small part of me always knew and that’s why I’ve been so angry at him. I’m not surprised I didn’t recognize him right away. It’s been twenty years. But my heart somehow knew before I did.

  I open the door slowly. I know who’ll be standing there. I don’t even need to check. He looks up from the floor and locks eyes with me. How did I not recognize those green eyes? That dark hair and that smolder should have been burned into my brain.

  “Kitty Kat.” His voice cracks. I’m transported back to that cold house I never thought I would get out of. His hands cup my cheeks and he stares right into my soul. “How didn’t I know?”

  I tense. I’m not ready for this. All the abuse, all the heartbreak, all the fear could come crashing back in a second. “I can’t talk about this. I never expected to find you.”

  “We need to talk about this.” His hands shake slightly as he takes mine and leads me to the couch. “I don’t know why I’m nervous.”

  “Chance, it’s no big deal. It’s awesome to see you and know you’ve done so well. You grew up pretty nicely.
” I try to laugh but it’s forced.

  “It’s a huge deal. You have no idea what you meant to me back then. You were the first person in all the years I’d been there that I cared about. I fucked up so badly and they threw me away. I deserved it. But I thought about you every day for so long. I hoped you were ok and that you were safe. I couldn’t protect you if I wasn’t there.”

  His eyes shine with compassion. It’s a look I’ve never seen from him. He’s completely relaxed and open. I take a deep breath, trying to will my tears away. I can’t cry. Not now. “It wasn’t your job to protect me. That should have been my father’s job and he failed. I was angry for so many years but it was never your fault. Lorenzo made me see that before he left. You were a kid, Chance. We both were.”

  “Kid or not, I should never have put you in the position of getting caught with me in your room. It was selfish but I just wanted to be with you. I knew how Old Man Smith was. He ripped me a new one all the way to town and then left me at a gas station before the sun was even up.” He stares out the hotel room window.

  “I’m so sorry.” Come on, tears. Don’t fall now. I can’t look weak. “I was there another week, then they sent me to live with another family in El Monte. It wasn’t much better but the heat worked.”

  “I looked for you. I left the system before I was eighteen. I called the case manager and asked about you. She checked the records she could but I didn’t know your last name. There had been about sixty kids placed with the Smiths in the years we were there. She told me there was a K Stallworth listed but when I tried to find her, it was just a dead end.”

  I freeze hearing my old name. “That was me. I had my name legally changed so my father couldn’t find me.”

  The silence is comforting. We both sit staring out my window. The sound of his even breathing has me relaxed. On those cold nights, I would snuggle into his chest and his breathing would be what made me forget, even just for a night. I had seen my father kill my mother in a drunken rage. When he saw me, he ran. I called for help and laid with my mom listening to the siren getting closer and closer. Her blood saturated our kitchen floor and I was covered in it. I screamed when the officer pulled me away from her body. I knew she was gone. I’d been staring into her lifeless eyes for what felt like hours. I thought maybe if she could just hear me, she’d come back to me.

  That night, I was taken to the Smith’s house. Mrs. Smith washed the blood off my body and threw my clothes away. I cried for hours in my cold room, alone and scared. Chance was only eleven but he came into my room to comfort me. He crawled into my bed and just held me. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask any questions. Before dawn, he eased out from under me and went back into his room.

  “You were everything. I wouldn’t have survived it without you.” Before I even realize it, I’m crying.

  “I felt the same way about you. I didn’t have anyone when I first ended up in foster care. I knew how lonely that was. When I heard you crying, I couldn’t stay away.” He takes my hand. “Shit, I was so in love with you.”

  I giggle and he laughs. “You were eleven.”

  “Didn’t matter. It was as real as anything I’d ever felt.” He stares at our hands, still joined together. “Aside from Della, you’re the only woman I think I’ve ever loved.”

  I think for a minute and then I laugh. “Aside from Enzo, you’re the only man I’ve ever loved. And you know I’m not a believer.”

  “We’re a sad pair.” He moves to the bed and lies down. When he gets comfortable, he pats his chest and holds his arms out. “Come here.”

  “I don’t think I should.” My heart is beating out of my chest.

  “Kat, I just want to hold you. Nothing else.”

  I move slowly and sit on the edge of the bed. I swear he can hear my heartbeat. I kick off my shoes and curl into his side. When my head finds his chest, my whole body relaxes. It’s like coming home. I want to sob. I want to hold him and never let go.

  “Think we can stop hating each other now, Princess? Seeing as how we love each other and all.” I can feel his shoulders move as he chuckles.

  “Think you can stop calling me Princess now?” His arms wrap around me and hold me tightly. He can call me anything he wants if it means I get to feel safe like this again.

  “I just called you that in case I forgot your name.”

  I hit him in the chest and he laughs even harder. “Do you call all your women that?”

  “Every last one of them.” He nuzzles the top of my head.

  “Someday, I’m going to ask you about all the women.” It really is a mystery to me. How someone so popular, always surrounded by people, could need constant reassurance and companionship is beyond me.

  “Someday, I’ll answer you. But not tonight. Tonight, I’d like to close my eyes like we used to and listen to you breathe as I fall asleep.”

  “Goodnight, Chance.” I sigh as I take a deep breath for the first time in forever.

  “Goodnight, Princess.” He laughs and I growl at him.

  Maybe I can let the past go. Maybe he can help me heal after all the years of blaming him for leaving me alone. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, the world will seem just a little brighter.

  Chapter 15

  “We’re down to our last two stops and then you guys are free for two months.” Joshua sits at the head of the table looking tired. “You’ve been asked to do Saturday Night Live next month so that’s on the table if you want that.”

  “Hell yes, we want that.” I take a sip of my coffee and wink across the table at Rachel. I’m so happy to see she’s joined us for the last part of the tour. I like looking at her. I blow her a kiss and she shakes her head.

  “Stop flirting with my woman.” Max flips me the bird and I just laugh. “Get your own.”

  “I don’t think he’s lacking in that department. There are a lot of really desperate women out there.” Katrina smiles at me from across the table.

  It’s been almost a week since she discovered who I really am. We haven’t talked about it much but we aren’t fighting constantly. She talks to me like she does the other guys on the bus and I can tell she’s trying to put her feelings aside to make the last leg of this journey a good one.

  “As I was saying,” Joshua clears his throat. “I’d like you guys to really take some time away from the media. Go on a vacation or stay home. I want to be able to have some time off so that means not having to clean up any bullshit. Think we can handle that?”

  I salute him and he huffs. I know I give him so much shit but he loves me anyway. “You see the irony in this, right Seymour? You want us to stay away from the media but you have one of them on the bus with us. If I’m being perfectly honest, I’d like to be in the press if you know what I mean. She’s just not on board yet.”

  “Oh my God. You did not just say that.” Katrina’s face is red but she laughs along with everyone else.

  Joshua’s face is blank. I know I shouldn’t push him so much but he’s such an easy target. He doesn’t show much emotion. “You are a pain in my ass.”

  “It’s not painful if you just relax. I’ve heard it can be quite enjoyable. Ladies, any thoughts on this?”

  “I have no idea what I did in a past life to deserve this but I sincerely apologize for my sins.” Joshua laughs and starts packing up his paperwork. “Bus leaves in two hours. It’s only about an hour ride to San Francisco. We’ll drive back to LA tonight. Flight for Hawaii leaves tomorrow night. Do not miss it. And I’m trusting you’ll enjoy the few down days on the Island without stirring up a bunch of bullshit. Katrina, stay close to them. Get some good shots of them enjoying their time off together. Make them gods.”

  “That won’t be hard. Look at us.” I fist bump D’Rey.

  “And Chance, keep it in your pants for a few days. The fans are really enjoying seeing your human side and not your womanizing. Let’s see if we can keep that up until this tour is over. Then you can run around naked for all I care.”

  I
groan at the thought of a few more days of celibacy. I haven’t been with a woman since I made out with Katrina. For some reason, they’ve all lost their appeal. My dry spell hasn’t been on purpose. I’ve just enjoyed my nights hanging with the guys or getting to know Kat a little better. Mia and Laney have been at a few of the stops and I’ve gotten to hang out with them, too. It’s been a nice break and I haven’t missed the warm body in my bed. Of course, I’ve spent two of the nights, fully clothed, in Kat’s bed. That gives me more satisfaction than any meaningless conquest.

  “You’ll survive it, Slick.” Katrina types out a text message and then puts her phone down on the table. “There are people out there not having orgasms every day and they live to tell about it.”

  “Why would anyone not have an orgasm every day?” I’m being serious and she doesn’t know how to answer that. “When was the last time you got off?”

  “When Enzo was here.” Her face reddens but she keeps eye contact. “What about you?”

  I look at my watch and she giggles. “About an hour ago.”

  “You were in my room about an hour ago.” She balls up her napkin and throws it at me.

  “I woke up next to you. Your face and that hot body were the first things I saw. What did you expect me to do? It was a cold shower and a five knuckle shuffle or I wouldn’t have made it through the day.”

  “Wow,” she just stares at me. “Your honesty is shocking sometimes.’

  “I don’t know why it’s so taboo to talk about this stuff.” I lean forward and take both of her hands in mine. She doesn’t pull away. “You should be with someone who gets you off every day, Princess. Your body should be worshiped. You’re so beautiful, Kat.”

  “I’m not sure how to respond to that,” her breathy voice surprises me.

  I turn her hand over and run my fingers up her arm. She shivers. Goosebumps break out where I’ve touched. I’d never jeopardize a future friendship with her. A few minutes of pleasure would never be worth that. But the other part of me wants to crawl under this table and send her over the edge just to see her face when she explodes. She’ll always be an unattainable goal that I want to protect and devour, both at the same time.