Falling for Ava

by Pamela Ann

  Slowly stepping away from his hold, I kissed him on the lips before sliding in the booth opposite to him. “I hope I didn’t make you wait long. My sleeping pattern’s been unpleasant. One night, I’ll sleep all the way through, but the next I’ll be up feeling nauseous at all hours.” He gave me a smile yet said nothing else.

  “How are you? Well, I hope.” I was gently asking him the question I dreaded to voice since he obviously was devastated and not doing well.

  “I’m shattered, as expected.” He pressed his lips together, his eyes cast low. “But, of course, you know that.”

  “I do,” I sighed, knowing just how much he was going through a rough period at the moment. “I take it that you’ve seen Father.”

  “Yes. Yes, I have been speaking to him,” he replied right as the waiter appeared and greeted us with such a bright demeanor it somehow lightened the ambiance around the table. Once the waiter had left, his serious manner resurfaced. “Your father has a team of lawyers who could possibly expedite everything.”

  He cleared his throat, looking torn. “Ava, you know I don’t want a divorce, and at first, I refused to give you one. Even now, I still reject the idea of it … but it seems that your life has shifted at such a speedy rate that I have no means of knowing how to get you back, let alone catching up to you. It’s a given that your betrayal gutted me beyond repair, but I believed that marriage is about working together through the highs and lows.

  “Even after you confided that you are pregnant, even through the anguish, I optimistically thought that maybe your betrayal had to be done to receive a miracle. I felt it was a sacrifice before we could experience the joys of what parenthood might bring. We’ve known each other all our lives, and the thought of living a life without you makes me quite ill. I’m willing to risk defying your father to have you back in my life. I love you. You’re my wife, and you’re asking me to do the impossible.”

  This was shattering me to pieces, yet I knew I couldn’t backtrack, or I would be risking far more than what I bargained for. I knew this process would be almost unbearable to go through, but I also knew, sooner or later, this would pass. However, listening to him speak with a pained voice made my resolve fracture a bit.

  “Ash, saying sorry doesn’t account for all the hurt I’m putting you through right now. I could say all the right things to apologize for my rotten actions and own selfishness, but I know nothing can ease the ache that’s growing inside your heart. You must understand that I’m not only doing this because I’m pregnant. You’ve known all along how much he meant to me, and I know, deep down, that was one of the reasons behind your decision to hide the truth from me.

  “In the first half of our marriage, how many tortured nights did I wake from a nightmare, crying uncontrollably and completely distraught because of wall the guilt and regret in my heart was weighing heavily on me to a point where it was becoming too hard for me to go on? You knew that, if I ever found out that he wasn’t dead, I’d scour the entire earth until I found him.” He didn’t have to say anything to confirm my suspicions. His face said it all. He, too, was a victim of his own selfishness.

  “I hate myself for hurting you this way, but I’d never forgive myself if I walked away from him again. Even now, I doubt he has forgiven me for what I’ve done, for what my parents have cost him, but I’m willing to take a chance and risk it all because I would rather spend a lifetime trying to make-up for what I have done than spend a lifetime loathing myself for not doing as such.”

  “I’ve always known I couldn’t compete with him. That’s why it was easy for me to keep what your father had committed, because I was guilty of wanting you for myself.”

  His admission wasn’t something I hadn’t already suspected. However, it made it clearer to me that I was doing the right thing for the both of us. During all those wasted years, I could’ve been so happy. The sad thought made me even more somber.

  “I could say I’m sorry, too—for keeping the truth from you—but I cannot.” His face was grim, yet it seemed it was finally dawning on him that he and I could no longer be together.

  “We own several homes in America and here, money and all the other assets we have together … We have to discuss these details.” Yeah, he was definitely coming to terms with it. It was a relief, true, but at the same time, I felt wretched inside.

  Focusing on him, I shook my head, not wanting anything from him. “All I want is to keep my own financial investments. As for the rest, it was all you, Ash. I’m not so selfish to even consider that I’m entitled to your hard-earned money because I married you.”

  I didn’t understand women who sued their husbands for money and assets just because they had tied the knot. Working to earn a living was difficult enough, making sure you were investing your hard-earned cash into something more profitable was even more rigorous. I couldn’t say I had done that myself, but I had seen how Ashton had slaved himself to become successful. Even though he had gone through an affluent upbringing, he had been quite determined to make it to the top without the help of his parents’ money.

  It was a brave thing to do, most especially in our kind of circle since most children wouldn’t bat an eyelash at taking money, because it was their right to have it as the future heirs.

  I was lucky enough that I didn’t spend my grandparents’ trust fund by splurging on fancy vehicles, luxurious vacations, and expensive shopping trips to Harrods—okay, the shopping trip I was guilty of since I had little to no restraint when it came to small luxuries. As for the rest, I had taken a chance of reinvesting it, and the risk had paid off. Had I not, I would be joining the rest of those privileged spawns who held out for allowances until Mummy and Daddy decided to give them ultimatums to work for the family business or find someone wealthier or more powerful to marry.

  My mother would’ve been proud if I had chosen that path. That way she’d have more power and control over me, which would make her feel more like a mother since she believed she could make decisions for me, truly thinking that her own reasoning would be for my interest. The blatant truth was, I didn’t really think she understood how to be a parent; therefore she’d throw little hissy fits and tantrums when she couldn’t get her way. That way, she’d appear as if she was trying to be a good, responsible mother. It was sad really, if one came to think of it. At least I could use that experience and hope to be wise enough not to repeat that kind of mistreatment to my own child.

  People only taught their own kids what they had learned and seen from their parents, and I would rather fully commit myself to be a full-time mum and ensure my child learned how to respect others. Respect could go a long way for the wise. Negligence and ignorance, on the other hand, was the reflection of our own misguided beliefs and lacking the sense to take a step back and reassess our lives. Denial could be anyone’s downfall, which could only lead to a string of problems and failures. Then the process would repeat itself from one generation to the next.

  My lunch with Ashton turned into more of a somber affair. Good-byes, regrets, and what might’ve beens became one of the topics, mostly done by him. He even took the liberty of apologizing for the fact that he had started to slowly withdraw from me after his workload doubled. He reasoned that it was due to pressure and high expectations from the company, which had led him to think that pushing the worries away about my frustrations on not successfully conceiving could be addressed later on, when things weren’t so hectic at work.

  For almost two years, I had sought my own comfort and council, believing I would get better, that this bitterness inside my heart would someday disappear. I refused myself to face the bare truth—that most of the bitterness was caused by my husband’s lack of being there when I needed to simply talk. When I cried, he wasn’t there to comfort me and tell me that I wasn’t a freak of nature because I couldn’t have a baby. He only came home every night, seeing me on a daily basis. He slept in the same bed, the same room, but never once did he open up and ask me how I was feeling, how I was de
aling with nature’s blatant rejection of me, or how the loneliness of being a society wife was leaving me hollow and empty inside. We both had endless regrets and well wishes for one another.

  I thought it was our way of rehashing what we once had, walking through the years we had lived together, before we reached the end of the line. It was a sad, blasted day. However, even though my heart weighed heavily right then, the next day, it would start slowly recovering. Nothing lasted forever, and it was vital that I never took anything for granted from here on out.

  Ashton promised to see me before he left for New York, which would happen around the time when everything was mostly settled and when the lawyers could give him the clear that they didn’t need any more information from him.

  As much as I despised my father, I had to give where credit where it was due. The man had the uncanny knack of making things happen. Maybe, one day, I could thank him for it.

  Hours later, I was back in the hotel, huddled on the sofa as I watched a movie. It was wrong to anticipate Reiss tonight, because I didn’t want to start a habit that would be hard to break. However, I ended up hoping he’d show up. After he left the previous night to meet his mother, I hadn’t heard from him. No call or text message. I mean, I knew he was a busy man with a hectic schedule, yet there was a part of me that argued that, after what had happened the night before, it would be reason enough for him to come back.

  Although, as the hours passed, hitting past midnight, my hope trickled away.

  And, just like that, my heart shattered once more.

  Chapter 23

  Ava

  Four days. It took him four, lengthy days to visit me again. It felt like a death sentence. A bit far-fetched, but it certainly felt that way to me. Did I frighten him—was that why he was putting this unmistakable barrier between us? I couldn’t help it, the questions rounded my brain, wondering what I had done wrong. Or he could simply be busy with his woman. He did, after all, have quite a voracious appetite. I didn’t understand him at all, because it was him who had primarily initiated physical contact, and then he disappeared.

  I spent the wasted days talking to Allie over the phone, updating her on how things were with me and any small detail that was happening to me during pregnancy. My father called once, but I was in the bathroom, so I missed it. Furthermore, since he didn’t bother leaving a message, I thought that it might not be that important; thus I didn’t call him back.

  You see, I’d been reflecting a lot, and I supposed there was an upside to the four-day seclusion. I even came to a point where I had a pen and notepad, sometime about two in the morning, writing down the things I wanted to accomplish. It was a bucket list of sorts, and some were simple thoughts and experiences I’d be interested in for the coming months.

  Prenatal yoga.

  Learn to cook Reiss’s favorite dishes.

  Nursery ideas.

  Baby names.

  Set-up a small foundation, benefiting struggling new mothers.

  My list wasn’t that lengthy; however, it would be my goals for the upcoming months.

  What truly took me by surprise was the last entry. I’d had no idea I wanted to make a foundation, but once the idea sunk in, I felt like a possessed woman, researching what I would need to get it going.

  The small foundation would help the less fortunate new mothers with baby gear, milk, diapers, and all the other essential baby supplies that were needed. Hours were spent researching prices online and how costly it would be for a new mother to provide everything to their newborn, especially when they were single mothers.

  I had read blogs, story after story about how difficult it was for teenage mothers to support a baby. Most of them relied on friends and family to gift them the items. However, with the economic downfall, there was still an overwhelming number of people who hadn’t recovered. Some even said that having a baby was a luxury that most people couldn’t afford, because the job market still struggled to get on even ground.

  Reading one heartbreaking story to the next, I fully decided that I could do something to make a difference. I wanted to partake in helping them. Even if it wasn’t handing them financial security, a little help could go on a long way. As long as I made a difference to their lives, easing their hardship one way or the other, it would be sufficient enough. Be it a stroller, a three-month supply of milk, or a month’s worth of diapers, at least it would help them somehow.

  The monthly income I had from my investment dividends wouldn’t be enough if I wanted the foundation to be a large scale one. Of course, there was the option of running a fundraiser, but that would take up a lot of time and playing nice to wealthy people that I wasn’t so fond of. Therefore, that might not be something I’d be willing to do. It was a catch-22. Tricky, really. Well, I supposed there was the internet—emails, to be precise.

  Going through my contact list, I had an excellent network of friends and acquaintances who might be willing to do a donation via online payments. All I had to do was set up a website enlightening them about it.

  This was it! I could very well do this wherever I wanted as long as I had internet access. I could even give them an option for whether they were willing to donate on a monthly, weekly, or bi-weekly basis.

  Giddy about the new project I had in mind, my brain was whirring with all the essential things I had to do tomorrow when a knock came at the door.

  Hearing the ominous sound made me forget everything as I stilled, momentarily frozen. I took a moment to calm down my erratic heart rate. I knew it was him without even opening the door. I felt it all over my body. My senses immediately went on high alert, giving me a hefty warning that he was here.

  “For heaven’s sake, Ava. Stop being such a besotted fool, even just for a second,” I grunted to myself as I envisioned going over to the threshold, opening the door, and greeting him as if I hadn’t waited for him in vain. I could very well pretend that I had been too busy to even think of him, as well.

  Shaking off my nervousness and leaving it behind in the bedroom, I walked towards the door with my fakest yet laudable smile in place.

  “Ava,” he greeted as he assessed me before taking a step farther and placing a soft kiss on my cheek.

  This one simple gesture made feel all sorts of heady from his smell infiltrating my senses. It was on that moment of impact that my body felt vulnerable, my heart plainly visible, and the pain in my eyes flashed before him. It didn’t help my cause when he appeared to look impeccably gorgeous as ever, while I looked like a bedraggled cat with pronounced dark circles under my eyes from my struggling sleeping pattern.

  “Reiss, it’s good to see you again,” my voice finally found itself after the momentary relapse. “Do come in.” Stepping aside to let him walk past me, I had to bite back a groan when his arm accidentally brushed one of my breasts. Even with my bra on, my breasts were highly sensitive.

  “I have the papers for you to sign. Everything will be taken care of with your father’s legal team, thereafter,” he said right as I was shutting the door.

  Facing him as I strolled towards where he was laying all the paperwork on the coffee table, I noted that the hair on the back of his neck had started growing, the polar opposite of the usual impeccable haircut he had donned since I had found him again. He must’ve been quite busy to neglect his grooming. My toxic thoughts could be dwelled upon once I was alone, but for the time being, I needed to gain focus and not get distracted by my suspicions and ill-feelings about his blatant rejection.

  Taking the seat across from him, I picked up one of the papers, browsing through the legal jargon of what my divorce entailed. “Thanks for bringing this over, though you didn’t have to. I’m well capable of picking it up from my father’s office.”

  “I’m sure you are,” he murmured as he took his seat, “but I wanted to make sure that all is set and everything is in order. I don’t want to risk any delay.”

  Barely nodding my head, I took the pen that was readily available on the table befo
re signing on the designated line. One paper after the other, I was burying Ava Westwood—the lost, broken woman who had suffered profound loneliness and had self-loathing for not being able to achieve her dream of being a mother.

  Sighing deeply, I set the pen down after signing the last document, studying my penmanship. Rest in peace, Ava Westwood.

  No more ghosts. I had everything I needed to have a loving, fulfilled life. Even without Reiss’s love, his company and the knowledge that I would be seeing him for the rest of my life was enough to sustain me. I had to remind myself what truly mattered.

  Reiss’s life outside mine shouldn’t be held against him. He had been forthcoming with his intentions and hadn’t made any promises to me that suggested anything beyond what he could offer. The problem was me and the way I could easily deceive myself into believing I had the power to change his feelings for me. It was human nature to expect such things; however, my brain must function with lucidity, or I’d end up with nothing, nothing at all.

  “Is there anything else you need from me?” I asked, looking up to him, bright-eyed and expectant.

  He shook his head. “For now, no. If there are any changes that require you to sign a document, rest-assured, I’ll personally take care of it.”