Relative-ly Speaking

by Karen D. Badger

  "You aren't gonna go away less'n I let you help, are ya?" she said, looking at Billie with mock indignation.

  "Nope!" Billie replied as she grabbed four mugs from the cupboard and filled them with the rich dark liquid. She carried two of them to the table and placed them in front of Cat and Laurel, then returned to the counter for the other two. She grabbed them both in one hand and circled Maggie's waist with the other. "Come on, you're taking a coffee break with us," she said.

  Maggie looked at Billie, who towered nearly a foot over her, and prepared to argue.

  Before she could get a word in edgewise, Billie lifted her eyebrow and said, "I don't want to hear it! Now you get your butt over there and sit down!"

  Grumbling under her breath about kids today, Maggie shuffled over to the table and sat down with the women to enjoy her break.

  ***

  An hour later, Cat and Laurel left for the flower garden to pick a bouquet of flowers to decorate the dining room table for that evening's dinner. Billie opted to keep company with Maggie in the kitchen, leaning her tall frame against the edge of the counter, ankles crossed, while sipping yet another mug of coffee.

  Before long, the house started to fill with people. First, Jim and Dylan returned from a horseback ride, entering the house through the kitchen.

  "Hey, sis!" Dylan said cheerfully, kissing Billie on the cheek. "Where's your better half?" he asked.

  Billie smiled. "She's out in the garden with Mom, picking flowers for the dining room. Did you have a nice ride?" she asked.

  "Great!" he said. "I even got the old man out this morning, hey, Dad?" he said, turning to look at his father.

  Jim looked everywhere but at Billie. "Yeah," he mumbled, finally making eye contact with his stepdaughter.

  Billie raised her eyebrows at him, daring him to say more. He quickly looked away and excused himself to change his clothes.

  Billie and Dylan watched him go. "Did he say anything to you about what happened?" Billie asked.

  "Not directly. He doesn't realize that I know about it," Dylan replied.

  "What do you mean, not directly?" she asked.

  "Well, he asked me what I thought about you and Cat, and Grandmas Alex and Jo. I think he was expecting me to condemn you for your lifestyle choices," her brother explained.

  Billie was a little disturbed by her brother's words. "Dyl, do you really think this is a matter of choice?" she asked in a slightly irritated voice.

  "Whoa, chill out, sis. Those were his words, not mine. No, I don't think it's a matter of choice, no more than my attraction to women is," he replied.

  "I'm sorry, Dyl," she said, running her hand through her hair, "So what did you tell him about us and the grandmothers?" Billie asked.

  Before answering, Dylan grabbed a cup and filled it with coffee, then placed a kiss on Maggie's cheek and stole a cookie from the cooling tray in front of her. She swatted his hand, as he managed to get away with his prize.

  "Young whippersnapper!" she cussed, trying hard to hide the grin on her face.

  "Well, I told him that I thought love was love. It didn't matter to me what the package looked like, and it shouldn't matter to him, either," Dylan explained as he bit into the cookie. "Hey, these are good, Maggie!" he exclaimed drawing a cluck out of the woman at the far end of the kitchen.

  "And...?" Billie prompted.

  "And, nothing. He didn't say anything. He just kind of vegged out for the rest of the ride," he replied.

  Just then, a commotion from the front of the house drew their attention.

  "Someone's home," Billie said.

  "You take that critter outside this instant," Alex said firmly.

  "Aw, come on, Alex. Loosen your girdle and have some fun. It's just a snapping turtle!" Jo exclaimed as the kids fussed around the animal.

  "For your information, Miss smarty-pants, I don't wear a girdle, and you know it! Now stop changin' the subject!" Alex scolded.

  Josephine walked toward Alex, holding the turtle out in front of her as she neared.

  "Josephine Wycliffe, get that thing away from me!" she shouted as Tara and Skylar jumped up and down clapping at the show Jo was putting on for them. Seth left them to their fun and went to the kitchen.

  Seeing her son enter the kitchen, Billie asked him about the commotion in the front hall.

  "Oh, Grandma Jo is up to no good again. She's scaring Grams with a snapping turtle. Do I smell cookies?" he asked, sniffing the air.

  Cat and Laurel came in from outside just as Seth was making his announcement. "A snapping turtle?" they said at the same time. "Good God above," Cat added as she headed for the front hall, followed by Billie, Laurel and Dylan, arriving just in time to see Alex nearly climb on top of the telephone table to get away from the creature.

  "Josephine Wycliffe, I'm warnin' you!" she cried.

  "Oh, come on, Alex. You have no qualms about touching a mummy, but you're afraid of a little turtle?" Josephine exclaimed.

  "Grandma Jo!" Cat exclaimed, coming up behind Jo, and causing her to jump and drop the turtle onto Alexandra's lap.

  Alex screamed, and true to form, fainted.

  "Seth," Billie called her son in from the kitchen.

  "Yeah," Seth said as he entered the room.

  "Do me a favor and carry the turtle out to the edge of the woods and let it go," Billie asked.

  "No problem." Seth shoved the rest of the cookie in his mouth and did as his mother asked, followed by an entourage of sisters. On their way out, they passed Doc, Ida, Bridget and Kevin, who had just arrived from the airport.

  "Good God, scout, what have you got there?" Doc asked.

  "Grandma Jo's secret weapon," he said, grinning.

  Doc was a little puzzled until he looked into the front hall at the circle of people around an unconscious Alexandra. Looking back at Seth, he said, "She fainted, huh?"

  "Oh yeah," he said, nodding his head.

  Doc smiled. "Well, you'd better get rid of that thing before Grams comes to and faints again," he noted as Seth continued his mission.

  Looking back over his shoulder, he saw that he had picked up an even longer trail of followers as his three cousins joined the entourage.

  “Girls!” he mumbled under his breath as he led his little harem across the lawn.

  ***

  "Grandma Jo, you know you really have to stop torturing poor Grams like that," Bridget scolded her grandmother. "One of these days, her heart is going to give out during one of your stunts."

  Dylan, and Kevin managed to pick Alex up and carry her into the parlor where they gently laid her on the couch. After a few minutes, Doc proclaimed her properly fainted, and sent Billie into the kitchen to fetch a cold cloth for her head.

  "But she's just so much fun to pick on. She's such a wuss sometimes!" Josephine exclaimed defensively. "And besides, she'd think something was wrong if I didn't tease her," Jo reasoned.

  While on her errand, Billie ran into Jim who had come into the kitchen by the back stairway. She stopped dead in the doorway and locked eyes with her stepfather. "Jim," she said cordially.

  "Billie," he replied, then went to the counter to retrieve a cup of coffee.

  Billie went to the linen closet in the corner of the kitchen to retrieve a cloth. Carrying it over to the sink, she saturated it with cold water and wrung it out. Turning to go, she was intercepted by Jim, who intentionally stood in her path.

  "Ah, Billie," he said nervously, not looking directly at her. "About last night," he choked out.

  "Forget it Jim. I don't want your apologies. I want your tolerance. Until you're ready to give me that, we have nothing to talk about," she said.

  Jim took a step back and looked her in the eye. "I can't," he said.

  "All right, look, you can think and feel any damned way you want, but I won't tolerate any more rude treatment of my wife. Is that understood?" Billie asked forcefully, her nose barely inches from Jim's.

  Jim stubbornly held her gaze and nodded in agreement
.

  "As long as we understand each other," Billie said through clenched teeth before brushing past him and heading back to the parlor.

  Billie was fuming when she rejoined the others. After handing the cloth to Jo, she walked to the fireplace in three long strides and rested her forearm on the mantle, breathing hard with anger. Cat noticed her wife's agitated state and approached her. She wrapped her arms around Billie's waist and hugged her tight. Billie lowered her arm from the mantle and enveloped Cat in a bear hug.

  Josephine knelt on the floor beside Alex and placed the cloth on her forehead, then leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Come on, Alex. Wake up for me sweetheart," she said to the unconscious woman.

  Alex started to stir. "Hmmm, Josie?" she asked shakily.

  "Alex. Alex, honey, come on, wake up," Jo urged as she lightly tapped the side of Alex's face.

  "Josie?" Alex said, slowing opening her eyes. "What happened?" she asked.

  "My stupidity happened, Alex," Jo answered. Leaning in a little closer, she whispered in her Alex's ear, "I'm sorry. I am so insensitive sometimes. I do love you. You know that, don't you?" she asked.

  Alex touched the side of Jo's face. "I know," she said, smiling.

  "Nona, are you all right?" Laurel asked as she leaned over the back of the couch, feeling Alex's forehead with the back of her hand.

  "I'm all right, sugar," Alex said to her daughter, taking Laurel's hand from her face and kissing it. Then, looking at Josephine, she asked, "Did you get rid of that critter, Josie?"

  Jo smiled. "Yes, ma'am. Seth released it in the woods," she exclaimed.

  "Good. Now, what does a girl have to do to get a kiss around here?" she asked.

  "Keep looking at me like that, and I'll do more than kiss you," warned Josephine, raising her eyebrows up and down wickedly before kissing Alex passionately.

  All eyes turned to the doorway at the sound of someone clearing their throat, just in time to see the look of disgust on Jim's face before he turned and stomped away. Laurel rose from her position at the couch and made her apologies as she went after him.

  Cat felt Billie's arms tighten around her as Jim stomped away. She narrowed her eyes at Billie. "Talk to me, love."

  Billie lowered her forehead to Cat's. "I don't think he'll ever accept us, Cat. I'm so worried about him making Laurel's life miserable over it," she said. "We had a confrontation in the kitchen when I went after the cloth. He is just so closed minded about this. There is no room in his heart for tolerance," Billie explained.

  "There is always room for tolerance, love. We'll just have to help him find it," Cat replied confidently.

  "If you can do that, you're a better woman than I am," Billie challenged.

  "Well, that's a given!" Cat exclaimed.

  Billie looked at her wife and grinned evilly. "Why you little devil!" she said. "I'll show you who the better woman is."

  Billie wrapped her arms around Cat's waist and lifted her up, throwing her over her shoulder. Turning to Ida, she said, "We're supposed to pick Drew up from the airport at three. If we're not back by two, send someone up for us, okay?"

  Smiles crossed every face as Billie carried a kicking and screaming Cat out of the parlor.

  Kevin turned to Bridget and said, "Ah, hon, do you know which room we're in?" Bridget blushed to the roots of her hair at the unspoken words behind his question.

  "Hot damn!" Jo exclaimed. "If we keep this up, we'll have the makings for an orgy!"

  Alex, who had managed to struggle into a seated position by then, said, "Oh, my," and fainted away once more.

  "Oops!" Jo said, covering her mouth with her hand.

  CHAPTER 9

  Billie and Cat reemerged just before one p.m. They found Jo at the kitchen table, reading the daily paper, while Alex and Laurel were decorating cookies with Maggie. Doc and Ida had volunteered to pick Amy and her family up at the airport considering Alex's unconscious state earlier.

  Billie opened the refrigerator and retrieved two yogurts, one of which she handed to Cat, who in turn handed her a spoon and a coy look. Billie planted a delicate kiss on Cat's lips before going over to hug her mother and grandmother.

  "Those look good," she commented, eyeing the cookies while she opened her yogurt.

  "You missed lunch. You must be hungry," commented Laurel.

  Billie pulled out a chair and sat down. She tilted it back, balancing it on its back legs while she braced her foot against the table leg. "Nope, we ate!" she said, grinning wickedly at Cat, who had the decency to blush.

  Josephine chuckled under her breath at Billie's comment, while Alex joined Cat in her choice of facial colors.

  Laurel looked blankly at Billie for a moment, until the gist of her daughter's comment sank in. When awareness came to her, she gasped and said, "For Christ's sake, Billie, do you have to talk like that?"

  Billie spread her arms wide, yogurt in one hand, spoon in the other, as she plastered an innocent look on her face. "What!?" she exclaimed.

  Maggie touched Laurel's arm and laughed. "Don't let it bother you, Miss Laurel. Heaven knows I've learned not to with Miss Josephine around," she said, chuckling.

  Josephine looked up from her paper with the same innocent look on her face that Billie wore. "What!?" she asked.

  "Hey there, is anyone home?" a voice rang out from the front vestibule.

  Cat and Billie looked at each other and grinned. "Amy," they said in unison at the unmistakable sound of Amy's high-pitched voice.

  "We're in the kitchen, darlin'," Alex called out, wiping her hands on her apron to greet her granddaughter.

  Amy entered with a flourish; her bright yellow sundress swaying around her legs, large sunglasses perched on top of her red-gold head. "Hey, hey, everyone!" she said excitedly, hugging and kissing Alex, Josephine and Maggie before making her way to Cat and Billie. Bending down, she stole the bite of yogurt that was perched on Cat's spoon, before kissing her full on the lips. "Hey, sis! Umm, good yogurt!" she exclaimed before turning to Billie. "You're just as gorgeous as ever," she said, hugging her sister-in-law affectionately. "If you ever want to dump Red over there, give me a call, okay?"

  Billie looked at Cat, grinning at Amy's bold manner.

  "She takes after Grandma Jo!" Cat said.

  "I heard that!" Josephine said, casting a proud, cocky look at Cat.

  Amy quickly scanned the room to see if she forgot anyone. Spotting Laurel, she stopped dead in her tracks. By this time, Ida and Amy's husband, Joe had finally made it into the kitchen. Walking up to Laurel, she looked her right in the face and said, "You must be Aunt Laurel. Tall, Dark and Gorgeous over there, looks just like you. I'm Amy, Cat's oldest sister," she said, politely introducing herself while holding out her hand.

  Laurel smiled. "Is that any way to greet a long lost Aunt? C'mere," she said, pulling her in for a hug.

  Amy introduced Joe to Laurel then turned and looked around the room once more.

  "All right, I know Bridget was scheduled to arrive before us. So where is Mother Superior? Amy asked.

  "Amy, do you have to start on your sister so early in the visit?" Ida complained.

  "I'm sorry, Mama, but, well, Bridge is so uptight. The woman needs to loosen up and enjoy herself more!"

  "Amy..." Ida warned.

  "All right, all right! I'll be nice. Turning to Cat, she asked, "Did she call you, whining about Kevin's fear of flying too?"

  Cat grinned, remembering the conversation Billie and Kevin had on the topic just prior to a pretty passionate evening of lovemaking.

  "Amy!" Ida said sternly.

  Amy winced as she threw her hands up. "Okay, okay!" she said. "But the question still stands, where is Bridget?"

  Alex answered. "She and Kevin took her girls and Cat's kids to the pond for a picnic."

  "Kevin? Mr. Neanderthal went on a picnic?" she asked incredulously.

  Once again, Cat smiled, recalling how she used that same adjective to describe her brother-in-law just a week ago.


  Amy caught Ida's warning look once more. Smiling nervously, she turned to Joe and said, "Honey, maybe we should go unpack. I'm sure the girls have found their room by now and are probably making a mess of their luggage."

  Joe, who never ceased to be amazed at his wife's boldness, laughed. "That might be a good idea, love. I'll get the bags in the hall," he said, heading out of the kitchen.

  "Later!" Amy said, throwing a wave over her shoulder as she followed her husband out.

  ***

  An hour later, Cat and Billie left for the airport to meet Drew's plane. Back at the mansion, the noise level raised about fifty decibels as the eight grandchildren gathered around the patio table to enjoy a snack of cookies and fruit drink.

  Bridget clucked around the children like a mother hen, making sure they were orderly and well behaved while enjoying their snack.

  Amy stood by, wine cooler in hand, mildly agitated that the kids were being restrained so much. "Aw, come on Bridge, let them enjoy themselves. They're on vacation for crying out loud!" she complained.

  Bridget looked at her sister. "Amy, they'll just make a bigger mess if we leave them to their own devices," she said. "And my name is Bridget, not Bridge," she corrected her older sibling.

  Dylan chose that moment to make his entrance.

  "Wow! Who are you?" Amy asked, taking in his tall blond good looks.

  Dylan grinned, showing off his dimples. "Hi, I'm Dylan, Billie's brother," he said, extending his hand to Amy, and then Joe.

  "Is everyone in your family so good looking?" Amy asked, causing Dylan to blush.

  "Amy, how can you flirt like that in front of your husband?" Bridget scolded her sister. "I would never do that to Kevin."

  "Bridget, I stopped being jealous of Amy's flirtatious ways a long time ago," Joe said. Then, looking at Dylan, he extended his hand and he added, "She really is harmless, you know. I'm Joe. Glad to meet you."

  Amy elbowed her husband lightly in the ribs, causing him to chuckle. Then addressing her sister once more, she said, "Sis, there's a lot of things you wouldn't do to…or probably with, Kevin!" she teased, causing her younger sister to blush indignantly. "By the way, where is the old redneck?"