Know Your Roll

by Matthew Siege

  Proficiency Check

  Psychology: 19

  Result: Success

  New Skill Values:

  Psychology = 26/100

  Bingo turned to glare at me, his feet anchored to the ground. “Told ya already dat I’m coming wit’ ya.”

  “You look scared, though. You can stay up here, safe and sound, and I’ll tell Patch that you came down with me.” That was probably for the best, since the more fear I saw in his eyes the less encouraged I was about the prospects of a buddy comedy with us as the stars.

  “But you’ll need my help.”

  “If you’re trying to tell me it’s dangerous to go alone, relax. I got this. Your reaction to Hallow’s freaking me out. No offense.”

  “I ain’t scared.”

  “Of course you aren’t,” I reassured him. “Wasn’t saying any different. How about this…” It was time to find a way to let him see the sights he’d missed all these years and keep him out of my hair at the same time.

  “I’ve got the key to a place that you’ll love more than life itself. It’s in the middle of Hallow, but you should be able to slip in there without being noticed. Just don’t talk to anyone and you should be fine.” I looked at my watch. “The curfew only just started. If you keep your nose clean and avoid anyone who looks like they want to arrest you, you’ll make it there in one piece.”

  “Den what?”

  “Den I’ll…” Crap, now I was picking up his accent. “Then I’ll work my magic and get the word out that Rule of Cool’s risen from the ashes.”

  “No t’anks.”

  I was expecting that to be his answer. He wasn’t just a sloppy drunk. He was a stubborn sloppy drunk. “Have it your way. Did I neglect to mention that the key opens a place with a fully stocked bar?” It was a cheap trick, but I didn’t care. What mattered was that it was practically guaranteed to produce results.

  Proficiency Check

  Psychology: 22

  Result: Success

  New Skill Values:

  Psychology = 27/100

  The dying sun was shining in Bingo’s eyes, and when the word ‘bar’ lit them up even brighter I knew the poor bastard didn’t stand a chance.

  Which was why I was so surprised when he folded his big, gnarled hands tightly into fists before opening them up and rattling out a shaky breath through the mask. “Better not. Da crew’s relyin’ on me, and all dat.”

  My response was to take the key off and dangle it in his face. “All that nonsense, you mean. Look, I get it. You went along with me escorting you out for Patch’s benefit, and I appreciate it. It’s easier to keep her happy than it is to try and change her mind, but don’t play that game with me. We aren’t a ‘crew’. You and I aren’t even friends.”

  “Sure we are…” he whispered, but the earlier conviction in voice had completely evaporated.

  I shook my head in sorrowful consolation. “Nope. Not even a little. Now, you see that red-roofed building east of the middle, there? The one with the chimney at each end? That’s Illgott ‘N’ Games.”

  “Illgott?”

  “He’s the ogre in charged. The VC have convinced him to take Saturdays off so the place’ll be locked up and quiet. His joint is where the grog is. Get as drunk as you want, and I’ll steal a horse or a wagon and bring you back to the mountain once I’ve raised some hell.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Sure you can. He’s even got a wine cellar in the basement, and some of that stuff dates back from before the Smash. Drink it all, if you like. You’ve earned it!”

  Proficiency Check

  Psychology: 11

  Result: Success

  New Skill Values:

  Psychology = 28/100

  I was on a roll, and now that I could hear his breathing grow more labored as he struggled to resist, I knew I had him. His fingers trembled as his fists opened and closed, but when I tossed him the key he caught it as deftly as a Gearblin a third of his age.

  “Good man,” I said. “Now off you go, and stay out of trouble.”

  “Oh… Okay. Deal.”

  I smiled sweetly, even though I felt an awful lot worse about this than I’d thought I would. I tried to tell myself that this was his choice, but I knew that I’d rammed it down his throat, putting him in a position where it was next to impossible for him to say no.

  Is it really my fault that he can’t resist his own demons?

  It was, of course. I watched him stumble off toward Hallow. He was so eager to get to Illgott’s that it looked like he was going to push right through the trees and the underbrush to get there, completely ignoring the beaten path.

  That was even better, actually. It’d take him longer to get to the arcade, and once he finally made it to town he’d be entering from a much less traveled direction.

  Now that the old guy wasn’t under my wing, it was time to test Patch’s ‘destiny’ hypothesis. If Bingo made it to Illgott’s without getting nabbed, then maybe she was on to something.

  If not, then I guess she wasn’t.

  What mattered most was that the night was falling down hard. The blacker the night got, the more eager I was to paint the town red.

  Chapter 16

  Stealth. Subterfuge. Sabotage. I needed to put Bingo out of my mind and get these words to ring in my ears. If I forgot them even for a second I’d be done, run through or shish-kebabbed or bashed over the head with a warhammer that weighed a quarter as much as I did.

  I may be a Hero now, but that still didn’t make me a traditional fighter. If I acted like one, my life would be as short as it would’ve been anyway. The best way to exploit the opportunity Patch and her Konami code had given me was to embrace the gifts I already had.

  So, instead of striding down the middle of the street like I owned the place I slipped through what scant shadows the damnable streetlights provided and headed east, deeper into Hallow and toward the sea breeze.

  I kept expecting to hear the shouts of the Vigilance Committee or a sloshed roar of Bingo-esque rage, but they never came. Hopefully that meant that they hadn’t caught him yet. If luck was with us, he’d soon be turning the key at Illgott’s, on his way to chase oblivion and a mess of pink elephants.

  I zigged to the right down an alley and zagged at the fishmonger’s closed up shop, which brought me to the Docks, the stables and the markets. There were lots of places here that would badly protected, important to the Heroes and highly visible to the Dregs I wanted to influence; parameters that were tonight’s holy triumvirate.

  If I really was king of the mountain, hopefully my prospective subjects would wake up and get an eyeful of something awesome, boosting awareness of Rule of Cool amongst an audience truly desperate for hope of any kind.

  My heart was racing as I glanced around. I felt like a larcenous kid who’d lucked out and worn his deepest-pocketed pair of pants at the exact moment when the owner of the candy shop went into the back to take a call.

  There were so many options! It was almost overwhelming, but experience told me that the coming night would be deepest and the streets safest for me in the areas where Hallow’s laws encountered foreign dockhands and fresh migrants.

  If there were reliable holes in the VC’s patrols anywhere in Hallow, it would be here. Even a starter town like mine needed skilled labor, and that didn’t come easy. If Commandant Sanguine chopped off hands and lopped off heads over every noob’s transgression, their imported workforce would soon dry up.

  The curfew was underway, and the streets were compliantly clear. Nobody else was out here, and even though I had to twice select a new route and once climb up to a low-hanging rooftop, I soon made my way to my destination of choice.

  Hallow’s enforced quietness worked to my advantage. Fear of the VC kept most rabble like me in their beds, which meant that there wasn’t any distracting background noise to cover the legitimate threats I was listening for.

  Proficiency Check

  Investigation: 29

  Resu
lt: Success

  New Skill Values:

  Investigation = 33/100

  Had I always been planning on steering toward the unicorns? Maybe. It felt like it just sort of happened, though as soon as I saw them I couldn’t pass up the symbolism. The damn things were prominently featured on Hallow’s grandiose crest, as well as being a soft, high-value target.

  Unicorns had no place in Hallow, and yet here they were. Their well-known preference for virgins meant that they despised associating with the lesser races, giving them plenty of time to stare down their long noses at those that passed by.

  Even now, with the city silent and the stallholders long since packed up, all three of the useless horned horses in the paddock trotted over to collectively scowl at me.

  This had once been a common area, and the squat fruits and bitter berries that had grown on the little rise had been for everyone. The arrival of the unicorn ‘herd’ had changed all of that. Apparently, our common area had been an inconvenience, disbanded by a vote taken at a council meeting. Dregs didn’t have a voice on the council, of course, and the result was the removal of an integral food supply and the annexation of communal land.

  I stopped in my tracks, struck by a memory so vivid that it could have been from yesterday, instead of years ago. I could remember climbing in the trees before they’d toppled them to make room for the unicorns, and playing hide-and-stab in the dense foliage before it’d been hacked low and carted away.

  I’d learned early that Heroes made little and provided less. The low smolder of hatred I had for them never went away, turning instead into a blaze that often crackled and roared in my ears.

  Now and then I could still hear it clearly, telling me to burn down the world.

  The field was prime real estate, wasted on these bright, pompous, hoofed fools. They crowded closer to the fence, unafraid of me.

  The moons were high enough now for me to see that their horns were tinged with dry blood. Somebody today had been unfortunate enough to stray within their reach. Their wound would be leaking light soon and singing with an angelic chorus by the end of the week, if the sun struck it just so.

  “Hey there, boys,” I called out in a falsetto, pitching my voice low and keeping it as friendly as I could manage. I scanned the nearby houses and empty shopfronts, but didn’t see anyone watching me. One Gearblin may look much the same as another to the eyes of a Hero, but I had more than the VC to worry about.

  The Dregs that lived here would recognize me immediately, and I had to be wary of the odd Kobold or Trog or Ghoulie biting at the inevitable reward they’d offer in the morning for my arrest.

  The unicorns neighed, their sheer white pelts glowing and sparkling. I kept my eyes low, because

  Contested Cunning Roll

  Raze’s Cunning Modifier: +3

  Roll: 14 + 3 = 17

  Stallion’s Cunning Modifier: -3

  Roll: 11 - 3 = 8

  Result: Raze Success

  that was how they got you. Now that I’d resisted their charms, they didn’t know what to do.

  “How’s it hanging, lads?” I asked. They stomped their feet and tossed their manes in frustration. They were too dumb to have any clue that they’d been outrolled, which meant that anger was their way of dealing with me.

  I darted under their paddock’s fence anyway and

  Contested Friskiness Roll

  Raze’s Friskiness Modifier: +2

  Roll: 11 + 2 = 13

  Stallion’s Friskiness Modifier: +1

  Roll: 7 + 1 = 8

  Result: Raze Success

  dodged one slashing horn, and

  Contested Friskiness Roll

  Raze’s Friskiness Modifier: +2

  Roll: 16 + 2 = 18

  Stallion’s Friskiness Modifier: +1

  Roll: 14 + 1 = 15

  Result: Raze Success

  spun away from a flashing hoof. I took a moment to gather my strength and leap as high as I could, lashing out with both of my hands and grabbing

  Contested Friskiness Roll

  Raze’s Friskiness Modifier: +2

  Roll: 8 + 2 = 10

  Stallion’s Friskiness Modifier: +1

  Roll: 4 + 1 = 5

  Result: Raze Success

  Damage: 0 (Grapple)

  a fistful of unicorn tail, using my new handhold and the momentum I’d just built up to swing through the air. Nobody was more surprised than me when I landed deftly on the back of the unicorn that ran the herd.

  Name: Stallion

  Archetype: Animal Companion

  Level: 2

  Hit Points: 21

  I still wasn’t used to rolling, and success against a Hero’s steed was almost enough to make me giddy enough to be in danger of falling off the critter I was hanging on to.

  If the beast was smart, it’d try and buck me off. I pressed my chest down to his neck in anticipation, wrapping my arms and legs around it too. I was ready for the bronco ride that’d end me, putting paid to all my arrogance and landing me on the hard turf with a broken neck a split second before all three of them trampled me into an unrecognizable green paste.

  Instead, the unicorn remained completely frozen. I could feel his powerful heart pounding, the bellow-like lungs working as he inhaled deeply.

  Once I dared to lift my face from where I’d buried it in his mane, a mouthful of hair held tight between my teeth for extra purchase, I saw that he was craning his head back at me.

  His judgey, horsey face wore a delectable mix of horror and disgust.

  “Hi there,” I said, spitting out the mane. “No need to be alarmed. I’m just the unicorn inspector. Someone reported a really skinny albino rhinoceros in this paddock, and I drew the short straw to come and check it out.”

  He was clearly mortified that I’d dared to lay a hand on him. I guess I should have been offended by the sheer look of shock he was wearing, but instead all I could do was lock eyes with him and chuckle in what I hoped he interpreted as an act of dominance.

  The other unicorns alternated between rearing up on their hind legs, crashing their hooves into the ground, and dragging their horns along the grass.

  I probably should have put a bit more thought into this…

  I’d been hoping that this sort of bravery would be rewarded by the beast submitting to my authority, but that didn’t seem to be how this worked after all.

  Oh well. Now that I was up here I may as well make the most of it. I was no stranger to things not being easy, and if Gearblin were allowed to have a middle name mine probably would’ve been ‘Danger’.

  “I’ll just be a second,” I told him, daring to release my hold on his neck with one of my hands and fish around in my pocket for a Sharpie.

  Weapon of choice in hand, I shifted position slowly. I managed not to spook my reluctant mount into tossing me, and the other unicorns watched in amazement as I wrote ‘Rule of Cool’ in big letters across his side.

  I grew even bolder when he didn’t dislodge me, spinning around to face his flank and drawing an arrow pointing under his tail. ‘Sanguine’s Food’ I wrote, next to an arrow aimed at the unicorn’s butthole and ‘Rule of Cool is hung like this’ beside one pointing down toward his admittedly considerable nethers.

  I scribbled ‘#RuleOfCool’ too, just to see if we could get some retweets. Visibility was everything, after all.

  Proficiency Check

  Viral Marketing: 70

  Result: Failure

  New Skill Values:

  Viral Marketing = 16/100

  “Annnnd, all done,” I informed him, feeling like a doctor that’d just performed a particularly dangerous surgery. “I’m going to hop off now.” As a show of good faith I let him watch me put the cap back on the Sharpie. “So nobody get antsy, okay?”

  None of the unicorns flinched when I dropped lightly to the ground. I didn’t trust them, so I sprinted for the edge of the corral and dove between the second and third rail to the relative safety of the street.

 
It was only once I was safely admiring my art that I realized they hadn’t even moved. Patch probably didn’t have any new Credits to spend yet, since nobody but me had seen my handiwork.

  Nonetheless, it was time to use my new skills and abilities for the lofty purpose of settling petty disputes and frivolous grudges.

  Chapter 17

  As I jogged away, I couldn’t help but chuckle at how ridiculous the unicorn looked with my additions scrawled across him. Humiliated, he’d retreated all the way to the back of the paddock.

  I slipped through the streets, my luck holding with the patrols. The only one I saw was three blocks east, moving on a path that’d take them away from me and the animals I’d so flagrantly defaced.

  I turned in the direction of the more affluent end of town. Illgott’s wasn’t the only place that’d be closed for tomorrow’s observances, which meant there’d soon by quite a few sad, dry mouths in Hallow.

  Not for the first time, I mentally patted myself on the back for having the foresight and willingness to leave Bingo behind. If he’d made it to the arcade, he’d be happier than he had been in years.

  And if he hadn’t? Well, I’d rather not think about that.

  Like it or not, both Patch and Source had been looking to me for answers. Even though I wasn’t really in charge of this motley crew, I had been able to make the hard choices. When the time had come, I’d shown the resolve necessary to throw Bingo under the bus.

  That’s the killer instinct that’ll put the Rule of Cool Corporation back in business. You won’t have any friends left, but you didn’t have very many of those to begin with…