Torn

by A. M. Wallace

  “What? When did that happen?”

  “Today was her first day gone. I didn't even know until the new girl came and found me earlier.” I'd been through all three of my small drawers in this cabinet twice, but I kept pretending to look, needing a distraction so I didn't seem as interested as I really was. Mrs. Kelley was already on my case; I didn't really need Chad on there too. Though that was inevitable.

  “New girl? Is she hot?” Man, for a nerdy kind of guy, he sure was girl crazy sometimes. I had to laugh.

  “She's all right, I guess.” That was the understatement of the century. I was running out of things to do, so I turned around and pretended to be looking through my schedule on my computer.

  “I call bullshit. If she's just all right, why are you doing everything you can think of to avoid looking at me?” Sometimes I wanted to hate Chad. Why did he have to know me so well? The only person who knew me better was Hannah. I mentally groaned at the thought of having this conversation with her. She'd read me a lot better than Chad could, and how obvious would my feelings for her be then? I intentionally looked him straight in the eye.

  “I am working, you know.” He smirked like he got me. I wasn't admitting to anything.

  “Whatever. You know, just because you think you may be in love with your best friend, doesn't mean you can't find other girls attractive.” Yeah, I hated him today. “Quit acting like you're in Junior High.”

  “I hate you.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair, my hands laced and resting on the top of my head. “She's extremely attractive.” He looked at me expectantly, wanting more than that. “What? I don't know her blood type. Sorry to burst your bubble.”

  “Dude, you still gotta give me more than that.”

  “Why don't you just come in tomorrow and see for yourself? Don't you need to sign-up for a gym membership anyway?” I rolled my eyes and dropped my hands to my lap.

  “Oh, that's right.” He smirked. “I'll meet her tomorrow then.”

  “You do that.” Chad looked at me for a minute before letting out a breath I hadn't seen him holding.

  “Okay, seriously, no more busting your balls about Hannah, but you can look at other girls. Hell, you can be with other girls. You seriously need to do something about Hannah or move on. Did you not pretty much tell me the same thing about Devon earlier?” Shit. I did. I groaned.

  “Yeah, I did, and you're right. But just because there's a hot new girl working here, doesn't mean we're gonna fall in love or something. I'll go for something when I feel the time is right, but right now, I like my life the way it is.”

  “All right, man, I'm just saying.” He stood up and backed toward the door. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

  “Be ready to work. Tomorrow is a slow day for me.” I smirked at him as he groaned and turned to leave.

  I sighed and took in everything Chad said to me. He was right. I knew he was. But I couldn't imagine being with anyone right now, especially someone who wasn't Hannah. I knew I'd never be with Hannah. Hell, I'd honestly come to accept it, or I thought I had, anyway. But that didn't mean I wanted to go out with someone else. I wasn't lying when I said I was fine with the way my life was now.

  But it would also be a total lie to say I wasn't interested in knowing more about Amy. Even if it was only as friends and stayed as friends. She intrigued me. I was curious about her. If I got lucky, something would develop. If not, I could just gain a new friend. Who knew?

  It was hard to admit to myself, let alone to anyone else, but I actually wanted to be free of the hold I put on myself because of Hannah. I just didn't think it was possible.

  My God, I was turning into a girl.

  we walked side by side into the restaurant, never touching. I caught him looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I kept looking forward. I didn't want to be that girl. The girl who wanted a guy like Justin to treat her like a queen. Who wanted him to look at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world. Of course, I was in fact that girl, but I didn't have to show it. Not yet, anyway.

  Once Justin told the hostess a booth for two, she led us to one in the back. As we walked, the first real contact was made. He gently placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me to my seat. I could still feel the heat of his hand when he moved it to take a seat in front of me, just as the waitress came for our drink orders.

  “I'll have a coke,” Justin said and then looked at me.

  “Um, I'll have the same.”

  “Great,” the waitress said as she wrote it down on her notepad. “I'll be back in a few for your orders.” She walked away and Justin smiled at me over his open menu. I returned the gesture and opened mine to look, though I already knew what I wanted. I almost always got the same thing here. It didn't hurt to look and keep up appearances, I guess.

  “What are you having?” I looked up at the sound of Justin's voice to see he already had his menu closed. How long had I been pretending to decide?

  “Um, probably spaghetti and meat sauce.” He grinned, but raised his brow at the same time.

  “Something tells me you get that a lot.” I shrugged.

  “Maybe.”

  “I agreed to try something new at the cafe.” I nodded slowly, seeing where he was going with this, but not giving in that easily.

  “Yes, you did.”

  “So, why don't you try something different tonight?” He folded his hands on the table and leaned closer to me. The table was between us, so it wasn’t that close, but still. I felt myself leaning toward him as well.

  “I could be on board with that.” He grinned and reached across the table for my hand. His hands were soft, not rough like Marcus' were from years of sports, working on cars, and working out. Why was I thinking about Marcus again? I needed to focus on Justin. I liked his hands. Not that I'd been in the habit of holding Marcus' hands or anything, but Justin's were a nice change. He was going to be a lawyer. I couldn't imagine him doing much physical work. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

  “Let me order for you. Is there anything that is an absolute no for you?” He started caressing my hand with his thumb and the butterflies were back.

  “Onions. I won't eat anything that even touches an onion.” He laughed lightly at this.

  “All right, no onions.”

  The waitress came back with our drinks and asked what we were having. I grinned and looked at Justin expectantly. What in the world did he have in mind?

  “I'll take the stuffed mushrooms and she'll have the shrimp alfredo. Can we also get an order of calamari to start off with, too, please?” The waitress nodded and wrote down our order before taking our menus and going to put it in. I looked over at Justin, who was still caressing my hand in his.

  I'd never thought I'd like someone else ordering for me. You’d see it in movies or read about it in books and it all seemed so romantic. I couldn't imagine it happening to me where I didn't get mad that the guy had to be in control like that. But sitting here with Justin now, after he'd just ordered for me, I kind of liked it. Maybe it was because he asked my permission before ordering. It was kind of sexy to give him that control.

  “So, lawyer, huh?” I smiled and he chuckled lightly.

  “Yeah. The usual story, you know.” I raised my brow. “My dad's a lawyer, and his dad's a lawyer, then his dad is also a lawyer. Yeah. A whole line of Schusters to work at Schuster and Schuster.” I laughed lightly before seeing his expression. He didn't really look all that thrilled.

  “It's not what you want, is it?” He shrugged, but didn't elaborate really. “I guess it'd be hard for you to say no, wouldn't it?

  “You have no idea.” I squeezed his hand gently and he smiled at me.

  “I don't mind it. I mean, it's a good career and I'm pretty okay at my classes. I just worry about that stupid LSAT at the end of the year. If I fail it, not only will I not be accepted into law school, but I wouldn't be surprised to be disowned by my father.” I looked at him with a pained expression, hoping he was exagg
erating a bit, but he answered the question before I could even ask it. “I'm not joking. Me being a lawyer is that important to my dad.”

  “I'm sorry,” I said, because I didn’t know what else to say. He forced a smile and took a drink of his coke.

  “Don't be. I can handle it. Now,” he set his glass back down, “enough about me. I want to know about you.” I couldn't help but smile. It was such a line, but I liked it. I wanted him to want me to talk about myself, even though talking about myself made me extremely uncomfortable. It was the thought that counted.

  “There’s not much to tell.” I laughed and he shook his head with a smile.

  “I don't believe that. There's more to you, I'm sure,” I felt my cheeks heat up a little, “and I intend on finding out everything about you.”

  I blushed even harder, but was saved from embarrassment by the waitress bringing us our meals. I had to admit, it smelled amazing. Maybe Justin was right to get me to try something new.

  we spent the rest of the dinner getting to know one another a little better. I tried to avoid talking about myself much, but he was very insistent. I didn't mind as much as I thought I would. I told him about Erica and how we’d met our first year in college together and had been best friends ever since. I didn’t tell him about Marcus. I didn’t want it to sound like I’d been in love with him all my life, which I had been, but he didn’t need to know that. I also didn’t want to have to explain myself when it came to Marcus, especially if the accusations could be considered true. Guys and girls couldn’t be ‘just friends’ in some people’s eyes. I just wanted to see if Justin was one of those people before disclosing that information to him.

  He told me about his roommate, Derek and how they were best friends, but he wished he lived alone. Apparently, Derek was a slob, so he didn't even like being home most of time, let alone inviting people over. I could relate to an extent, but Erica and I both had our messy tendencies and we never had people to invite over, so it wasn't an issue.

  Until now, when I wish I lived alone so I could invite Justin to hang out at my place a little longer.

  Justin wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we walked to the car, and I did the same with his waist, tucking myself under his arm. We were silent as we walked, but it was nice. Nice, as in it wasn't an awkward silence, but bad for me because, of course, my mind would start to wander.

  I kept analyzing the entire night, comparing things between Justin and Marcus, which wasn't fair at all. They weren't even close to the same person, which made me feel good and bad about the situation.

  I knew I shouldn't be thinking like this. Tonight started out a little differently for me than I'd planned. Justin was a nice, very attractive, and driven guy who was interested in me. I craved that attention, attention I hadn't gotten in quite a while. I just wanted time away from my usual. I liked what I knew about Justin right now and I really wanted to know more.

  I was pulled from my thoughts when Justin let go of my shoulders at the car, but stayed close and I reluctantly let go of his waist. I turned to face him and smiled, though his face was serious. He brought his hand up to my face, gently caressing my cheek as he looked into my eyes.

  “You're so beautiful.” I swallowed hard. I didn't know what to say to that. Luckily, he didn't give me a chance to think of a response.

  He brought his lips down to mine, kissing me softly at first. My hands instinctively went to his chest, resting on his pecs as he deepened the kiss, licking at my lips to ask for permission, as if he needed it. I opened my mouth to accept his kiss, careful not to moan out loud at how good it felt. How long had it been?

  I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him to me and his hand on my waist gripped my sweater in his fist before he pulled away. Slightly out of breath and his lips a little swollen from our kiss, he smiled, but didn't say anything. He just kissed my forehead and opened my door for me. I slid in and he shut the door, walking to his side.

  I bit my lip as I looked at him and he winked over at me before reaching over to place his hand on my knee. He pulled out of the parking lot and headed back toward the university. He squeezed my knee and I looked back over at him.

  “I'd invite you over, but…” He made a face and shrugged. He was embarrassed by his roommate. My heart was pounding so hard, it was a wonder he couldn't hear it. It was deafening to me.

  “You can come over to my place, if you want?” I blurted it out without even thinking. Did I really just invite him over? What would Erica think? Or worse…what would Marcus think? I tried my best not to care. I needed this. Besides, Erica was still at school. I brought out my phone to text her, asking her if she could make herself scarce for a couple of hours and that I'd explain later.

  “What about your roommate?” My phone vibrated just as he asked and I looked down to see Erica's reply saying I owed her big time. I smiled over at Justin who smiled back, seeming to catch my drift. I held up my phone.

  “Just took care of it.” He squeezed my knee again. I got hot all over. I was already hot, but this just got real.

  “Perfect.”

  I gave him directions to my apartment just off campus and it didn't take him long to get there. Before I knew it, we were there and inside my apartment. I sent up a silent thanks to Erica for thinking to pick some things up today before we left. I had never brought a guy back to the apartment before. Especially not one I just met a few hours before. I sat down my bag on the table beside the door and walked him inside.

  “Want anything to drink?”

  He didn’t answer with words. I felt him come up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. His lips were instantly on my neck and I couldn’t breathe. His hand caressed my waist underneath my sweater. The way he touched me, the way it made me feel, the way I wanted more, it was all so intense.

  His touch made me feel desirable, like I was the only woman in the world. There was a small voice in my head telling me how wrong it was to let a man I’d just met slide his hand up my shirt. The same voice got a little louder as he cupped my breasts over my bra. But the feeling I got as he did it shut that voice up for now.

  He spun me around to face him, pulling my shirt over my head without warning. As he tossed it aside, I reached forward, following his lead, and ran my hand up the front of his shirt, feeling his muscles under my hands. I could do laundry on his abs. I almost started drooling.

  He took his shirt in his hands and pulled it over his head, watching me as I roamed his chest with my hands. I could feel my nerves building, but I didn’t want to stop. To keep them at bay, I kept my eyes on his bare chest. Before I could talk myself out of it, I leaned forward, pressing my lips to one of his pecs and then the other. His hands came up to cup my neck as I continued to kiss his skin. I worked my way up to his neck just as he slid his hands down to unclasp my bra.

  I let him pull it off me, but kept my face in his neck. I could feel myself blush and I didn’t want him to see. It was like he sensed my hesitation because he held onto my shoulder and pushed me away just enough to where I could no longer avoid his gaze.

  “Are you okay with this, Hannah?” he asked, sounding honestly concerned. I had to give him credit too. His eyes remained on my face and not my exposed chest.

  “Yes,” I said and crushed my lips to his.

  I didn’t want to back out. I was scared I’d come to my senses and realize how wrong this really was. But, my God, it felt so right. His lips on my lips, his tongue dancing with mine, his hands all over my body. At that moment, it felt good to be bad.

  He pushed me back against the wall and moved his lips from mine, trailing them down my neck and then my shoulder. I bit my lip, anticipating what was to come. My heart was hammering in my chest and my panties were getting wetter with every second. I fought the urge to cross my legs at my thighs for some friction, I wanted to wait this out.

  My breath caught when Justin made his way to my breast. He wrapped his lips around me and flicked my nipple with his tongue while his other
hand came up to cup my other breast. I moaned softly as he suckled me, running a hand through my hair for something to do. He moved to my other nipple, paying the same amount of attention there.

  He unbuttoned my jeans while sucking, brushing his fingertips down my stomach. I could feel the goose bumps forming from his feather-like touch, making this whole thing that much more arousing. His finger slid into the waistband of my panties and he glanced up at me, asking for permission. I tried not to seem too eager when I nodded, but I almost couldn’t take the suspense anymore.

  I gasped loudly when his finger brushed my clit, making him smile around my nipple. He pulled away and brought his face close to mine, taking my bottom lip in his mouth before saying anything.

  “What do you want, Hannah?” he asked, his voice husky, making him sound even sexier.

  “More,” I moaned out, leaning my head against the wall as he applied more pressure to my clit.

  “How much more?” he whispered, running his nose along my jawline.

  “Please.” I couldn’t think enough to even answer his question, but I was willing to beg to get what I wanted. That seemed to please him.

  Without warning, his fingers were inside me. I cried out in pleasure at his sudden invasion, my nails digging into his shoulders. He slid his fingers in and out of me a few times, making me want even more, before pulling them out and going back to rubbing my clit. I moaned again, feeling my muscles tighten with every movement of his hands.

  I cried out, gripping his shoulders even harder to hold myself up, and my body tensed completely, grinding absentmindedly on his hand, riding out my orgasm.

  He removed his hand when I came back down, but kept me pressed against the wall. I was breathless, watching him as he brought his fingers to his lips and licked them clean. I was speechless.

  I’d never felt more beautiful and I didn’t want it to stop.

  the last few days at work were interesting to say the least. I usually had fun at work, that was why I loved my job, but this week was different. In a very good way.