The Love in his Heart

by Indiana Wake

  “Who was it?” Connie asked, although he noted that she didn’t seem at all surprised.

  “I have no idea, it was dark. I could only make out a vague shape of her, but no features. But I heard her speak, and it really wasn’t Janet.”

  “Before you go off and do or say something you might regret, are you absolutely sure?” Connie asked and raised her glass to take a sip of the fiery brandy.

  “Whoever he was with had a rough, gravelly voice. I don’t know, like a coal miner.” He shrugged, and Connie laughed. “And whoever she is, she’s married.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I heard her say as much. She was trying to convince him that they would be much better off spending the night here at your boarding house than in her own place, even though her husband was out of town.”

  “Oh, I see,” Connie said and looked perturbed.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset you with this. I guess I just didn’t know who else to talk to about it. And even then, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “You haven’t upset me, honey. To be perfectly honest, I’ve had my suspicions for a very long time. In truth, I’ve had my suspicions from the day that man arrived here. He’s too pleasant, you know?”

  “No, I can’t say I’ve noticed,” Jimmy said disdainfully.

  “Fair enough.” Connie laughed her deep, warm laugh. “But I noticed. He is all charm and easy and smiles, that’s true enough, but it’s a bit much. I don’t know, I suppose I’ve been in this world long enough to know that charm, ease, and smiles aren’t always to be taken at face value.”

  “So, you didn’t trust him?”

  “No, but what can you do?”

  “I know, you’ve got a living to make.”

  “Oh, it’s not that, Jimmy. I’d throw him out in a heartbeat, really, I would. I’d soon find boarders enough to take his place and his friends if they threw a little fit and went with him.”

  She took another deep swig of brandy and Jimmy entirely believed that she was capable of hurling three cowboys out of her establishment with ease.

  “But I suppose I wanted to have him where I could keep an eye on him.”

  “You mean you’re looking out for Janet?”

  “Aren’t we all?” She patted the back of his hand.

  “The problem is, Janet doesn’t want it.”

  “Now, I don’t want to go making excuses for Janet, really I don’t. But her life has been kind of confusing at times. You know that better than anybody. I get the feeling that she thinks that there’s some big excitement in life that she is missing, and she just doesn’t know what it is. I’m absolutely certain that Ray Burnett isn’t for her, even by her own choosing. So, I kept my eye on him, although clearly not close enough. But I just don’t want her to run headlong into a mistake, because she’ll never be happy with Ray. Even if he wasn’t lower than a tick on a sheep’s belly, she doesn’t love him.”

  “I wish I could be as sure of that as you are, Connie,” Jimmy said reluctantly. “But she won’t listen to a word I say. He even tried to plant stolen money on me so that Drake would turf me off the ranch. When I told her, she wouldn’t have any of it. She blew up at me, Connie. She said that I was making up tales because I love her and I don’t want Ray to have her.”

  “Which I suppose is an easier thing for her to believe, when you look at it. But you can’t force these things, Jimmy. She is going to have to come to her conclusions on her own.”

  “But what if it’s too late? What if she doesn’t realize all of this and goes ahead and marries him? I can’t stand to think of her married to a man who’s out on the town every night, wandering about like an old dog who can’t be trusted in the company of other women.”

  “You really love her, don’t you?”

  “I love her enough to let go if she’s happy, Connie, believe me. I’ve already decided to do just that. But I also love her enough that I don’t want to see her unhappy. I’ll accept that there’s nothing there for me, that she’ll never love me. I’ll accept that we’ll never be able to get back what we once had. I’ll even accept that that’s as much my fault as Janet’s, because falling in love with her and declaring it sure would have made things awkward between us anyway, with or without Ray Burnett. But I can’t accept somebody hurting her and not doing something to stop it.”

  “I know,” Connie said, and Jimmy was utterly amazed to see her surreptitiously swipe at a little tear. “I just wish Janet realized how much she loves you too. I wish she could rid herself of the idea she’s missing out on something just long enough to see into her own heart.”

  “It’s real kind of you to say something like that, Connie, I just can’t believe it.”

  “I know, but maybe one day you’ll both see the truth of what’s standing right there in front of you.” She laughed. “But, in the meantime, we have a damsel to rescue, don’t we?”

  “No, not this time.”

  “I thought you’d do anything to save her?”

  “I would, which is why I’m not going to talk to her about it.”

  “But why?”

  “She wouldn’t believe me last time and she most certainly won’t believe me this time. I don’t know, she’s got blinders on when it comes to Ray Burnett, and she won’t believe me. I don’t care if she shouts and screams at me, I don’t care if she tells me she’ll never set eyes on me again, but that’s not why I’m turning away from this. It just wouldn’t do any good. If anything, I reckon my involvement would just drive her straight into his arms.”

  “Ah, now we’re getting to the crux of the matter, aren’t we?” Connie said and drained the last of her brandy before swapping glasses with him and starting on his. “Well, if you’re just going to leave it sitting there,” she said, and Jimmy laughed appreciatively.

  “So, you’ll do it?”

  “I’ll be a little bit cleverer than that, Jimmy. Grace has been my friend from the day she arrived here in Oregon. Now what sort of friend would I be to her if I didn’t go and tell her everything I’ve learned about Ray Burnett?”

  “Thank you, Connie.”

  “And thank you. Thank you for still loving Janet after everything, she is so lucky to have you as a friend.”

  15

  “I think the summer’s leaving,” Janet said as she wandered into the kitchen wrapping a light shawl around her shoulders as she went.

  “I know. I never miss lighting the fire and cleaning up after it’s gone out. But we’ll soon be right back in the fall and then winter.” Grace laughed. “That sounds a little miserable, huh?”

  “Yes, it does.” Janet laughed. “I only meant that it’s not so warm as it has been.”

  It was Saturday, and Janet was free of the diner. Ray was going to be working the morning on the ranch and so she’d have to wait until later to see him. He was going to take her out to the barn dance that night, so at least she had that to look forward to.

  “What are you doing today?” Grace asked as Janet plopped down into one of the kitchen chairs.

  “I don’t know. I’m going to the barn dance tonight.” She shrugged. “Do you want some help with Katie’s dress?”

  “Now, that’s not like you.” Grace laughed. She was getting ahead of herself by peeling some vegetables for the evening meal and put her little knife down to study Janet. “And anyway, I’ve nearly finished putting together the gaudiest dress I’ve ever made.”

  “I’m still so sorry about that.” Janet reached out for a discarded carrot slice and turned the little orange circle over and over in her hand, staring at it languidly. “I should have put my foot down with her.”

  “No, you shouldn’t.” Grace was shaking her head gently. “You know, Katie loves that fabric and she’s just as excited as she can be about her new dress. I guess its right that she just be herself.”

  “Yes,” Janet said and peered at Grace. “Like it’s all right for me to just be myself?”

  “Of co
urse.” Grace looked sad and just a little pensive. “As long as you are being yourself.”

  “What do you mean?” Janet put the carrot slice down and rose to get her and Grace some peach tea.

  “Peach? I thought you’d gone off it?” Grace grinned.

  “I know. But then I went off coffee, so I’m back to peach tea now.”

  “Oh, you do make me laugh.” Grace reached for the glass Janet handed her. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. But what did you mean?”

  “I just want to make sure that you really are happy with the way things are,” Grace said tentatively. “I mean, you never used to sit about the house all day on a Saturday waiting out your time to be taken to the barn dance in the evening. You always had something to do, somewhere to be. I don’t know, I guess I never saw you wandering about listlessly before.”

  “Ma, I am nineteen, I can’t climb trees forever.” Janet sat back down at the kitchen table and set her own glass of peach tea down with a thump.

  “I’m not talking about climbing trees.” Grace shook her head. “You haven’t climbed trees for a long time. But you still always had something else to do, somewhere else to be.”

  “Yes, I suppose that’s because I don’t see so much of Jimmy anymore.” Janet could feel the old conversation making its way in her direction and she didn’t want it. “But that’s Jimmy’s choice. I can’t make him spend time with me, can I?”

  “And what would Ray Burnett say if you did?”

  “I don’t know, but you can’t expect him to be happy about it, can you?”

  “Why not? As you said yourself, you and Jimmy are only friends.”

  “I know you know what I’m talking about, Ma. That’s just how men are, they get jealous.”

  “Not all of them,” Grace said. “And the ones that do, maybe they’re just suspicious. And suspicious folks are always the ones who suspect something in others they are more than capable of themselves.”

  “Now what on earth is that supposed to mean?”

  “Honey, I’ve got something to tell you, and I’m sure not looking forward to it. But before I start, I have to let you know that I’ve sat with this for two days, my stomach churning over and over.”

  “So, what is it?”

  “I haven’t even told your daddy what I’ve heard. I wanted you to know first. Honestly, if your daddy heard it, Ray Burnett would find himself in a most uncomfortable position. More than likely flying through the air as your daddy heaved him out of the window of the boarding house.”

  “For God’s sake, Grace, what is it?” Janet said and reached for her drink.

  Her throat tightened, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to swallow a single mouthful of peach tea, she just sat with the cool glass in her hand, the light condensation wetting her skin.

  “Ray Burnett’s got another girl,” Grace said.

  Janet felt as if she had been punched.

  “Well, not a girl, a woman. A married woman.”

  “Where on earth did you hear that?”

  “Does it really matter?”

  “Look, Jimmy’s already come to me with stories of what Ray is supposed to have done. Don’t fall for it, Grace.”

  “It wasn’t Jimmy, it was Connie,” Grace said and seemed perturbed to have already found the need to expose her informant. “And unless you think Connie Langdon is the sort of woman who makes up stories for fun, perhaps you’d hear me out.”

  “All right then, tell me,” Janet said defiantly, already determined not to believe a word of it.

  But why would Connie lie? She was a good woman, one who wasn’t swayed by popular opinion. And she’d already been so understanding.

  “Ray was with a woman in the dark outside the saloon bar in town.” Grace spoke steadily, no hint of emotion at all in her voice. “They were standing real close and the woman was overheard to say that they would be better off in Ray’s lodgings.”

  “That sounds a bit vague,” Janet said, not knowing whether her palms were perspiring or simply wet from clutching the glass of peach tea. “And is Connie sure it was him?”

  “Yes, absolutely sure. And the woman said that they couldn’t go back to her place even though her husband was out of town. I told you she was married. And so they were seen wandering off in the direction of Connie’s boarding house.”

  “What was Connie doing out in the dark like that? You’re not telling me she started frequenting the saloon bar, are you?” Janet sounded incredulous.

  “It wasn’t Connie who saw them,” Grace said and looked down as if she dreaded getting to that part of the tale.

  “Then how does Connie know it’s true? You know what people in this town are like, any excuse to gossip.” Janet felt hot and sick and she wanted more than anything to just get up from the table and run off to her room, slamming the door just as she might have done seven years ago when Grace first arrived in her life.

  “Look, it was Jimmy who saw them,” Grace said and let out a great sigh, holding up a hand in front of her. “Just wait, there’s more to it.”

  “Here we go again,” Janet said and began to regret the olive branch she had handed Jimmy just days before. Although, if she was honest with herself, the olive branch had been more for her benefit than his, for the idea of being at odds with him forever broke her heart. “Ma, you know how Jimmy feels. I don’t want to blame him, but he seems to be going all out to turn me against Ray, and it’s not right. I can’t keep forgiving him for it.”

  “Forgiving him for what? Caring about you?” Grace said and seemed a little exasperated. “Look, Connie already had her suspicions about Ray. There’s a time or two when she’s been certain she’s heard a woman’s voice up on the first floor where the cowboys are.”

  “And did she never think that it could have been a woman in Garret’s room? Or John’s?”

  “Who are Garrett and John?”

  “They’re Ray’s friends, the cowboys he came into town with.” Janet sounded exasperated herself.

  “Well, you’ll have to forgive me for not knowing that, honey, because I’ve never met them. And I’ve never met Ray Burnett either, have I? I think you know, deep down, that there’s something about him even you don’t trust. If you did, you’d have brought him around for us to meet sooner. You’d let him pick you up for the barn dance from the house, not meet him by the diner.”

  “So, is it me you don’t trust, or Ray?”

  “It’s Ray, not you. Of course, I trust you, Janet.” Grace looked a little hurt and Janet wished their conversation had never begun.

  “Well, maybe you should suggest to Connie that the woman’s voice, if she did hear it, was probably in Garret’s room. Neither one of Ray’s friends has any romantic attachments, so maybe they have decided to spend a little time with a married woman.”

  “And maybe Ray has.”

  “Why would he do that? It doesn’t make sense,” Janet said, trying to reason the whole thing out in her own mind. “It’s not like I’m married to him, is it? It’s not like he couldn’t just turn his back on me if he didn’t want me and choose any woman he wanted. This really doesn’t make sense.”

  “You know what, honey, some men just want to have their cake and eat it too,” Grace said and let out a great sigh.

  “You’re asking me to believe all of this when it comes to you from Connie, and Connie had it all from Jimmy. I think I’d rather find out for myself,” Janet said and felt the old defiance returning. “You know, I thought Connie understood me. But she’s just like everybody else, she just wants to interfere in my life.”

  “Janet, one day you’ll realize that you’ve been confusing care with control all this time. Sometimes you’re still that prickly little girl who thinks that a handful of caring words are designed only to make her do something she doesn’t want to do.”

  “I thought you said that you didn’t blame me for the way I felt back then.”

  “I don’t, and I think you know that. But I’m not goi
ng to bite my tongue just so I don’t hurt your feelings. If I have to hurt them, I will. In the end, that’s enough hurt. I don’t want to see you suffering, I don’t want to let this just happen and not say a word. So, fall out with me if you like, Janet. Turn your head, let your ringlets fly, and slam your bedroom door, because you don’t put me off that easily. You’re my daughter and I love you and that’s all there is to it.”

  “And I love you too, Ma Grace,” Janet said, feeling so torn that her tears began to fall. “But I’m going to ask Ray about it all first. I’m not just going to turn my back on him without asking him for the truth.”

  “I understand,” Grace said and smiled, picking up her knife again to signify that, as far as she was concerned, the conversation had come to an end.

  “She said what?” Ray, as handsome as ever in brown trousers and a tan -colored checked shirt, looked at her in utter amazement. “You know, I just don’t understand what’s wrong with this town. I thought Connie Langdon was one of the good ones.” He was shaking his head and his disappointment was clear.

  He looked so disturbed by Janet’s questions that she was already beginning to feel relieved. There wasn’t a guilty turn to him at all, just outrage and anger.

  “Ray, I’m only telling you what she said. And I’m only telling you how hard it was for me to hear. You know, I really care about you and I’ve been so scared that you’ll just up stakes and leave town one day, that you’ll leave me behind. But I never even considered something like this.” Janet felt tired and emotional, sick of having to think about it all.

  Why couldn’t everybody just leave her be? Why were they all watching Ray’s every move, hoping to find something to take back to her, some story to tell?

  “Well, if you’re ready to believe them, I reckon I am ready to leave town. I guess things feel kind of sour for me now anyway, hearing all this.” He took a little step back from her and planted his hands deeply into his pocket. “Look, I don’t want to have to stand here and beg you to believe me. I’ve done nothing wrong and you either believe that or you don’t, that’s all there is to it.”