The Name of Red

by Beena Khan

  She stumbled backward as she gazed up at him.

  He was left stunned at her actions. Her lips are softer than I remember, he thought as he touched his own lips.

  She grinned up at him.

  “What are you thinking right now?” Elif whispered.

  Kabir glanced up at her, nervous. “When you look at me... I can’t breathe,” he admitted.

  Her eyes brightened with mischief. Then, she reached for his hand and pulled him toward her bed. Her bed was by the window. He stopped shortly before her. She let go of his hands, and did something Kabir unexpected. She lifted her hands to unhook her bra. Her bra dropped to the floor, and her breasts came tumbling out, exposed.

  Kabir’s eyes doubled in size, as if they would pop out any second. He couldn’t help but stare at her hungrily. He devoured her face and her body with his gaze, wishing that he could reach out and trace all of her with his fingertips.

  Does she want to give me a heart attack?

  He couldn’t breathe from his nose anymore, and he took heavy breaths from his mouth instead. Elif glowed like the starry night outside, the moonlight poured down on her. The moonlight hit her creamy, white skin, and a soft, dark shadow, illuminated her skin. Her breasts were full and round. Her dusky, pink nipples stood out against the paleness of her skin. She had a few freckles on her right breast, and the scar on her left shoulder was fully revealed to him. Her stomach was flat, he noticed she had a belly button ring, and she had a deep long scar running two inches on her stomach.

  Was that from the accident or from an abuser? he wondered.

  He still didn’t know her scar's story.

  “How did you get your scars?” he asked out loud.

  He had to know.

  She looked at him, surprised. “The accident,” she replied.

  He gazed upon her naked form. She had freckles and scars. He wanted to kiss her imperfections. She was blunt, loud, and dominating. She was impatient, adventurous, reckless, chaotic, bold, yet he was still drawn to her. He swallowed hard and had to force himself to look away.

  “Kabir, look at me,” Elif whispered, moving closer to him.

  She grabbed his hands and placed them on her chest. He felt her softness, her silkiness. Her skin was like skin over glass. She was like a china ornament, beautiful to look at, but fragile to touch. He felt her nipples stiffen under his touch, and chills ran through his body. He wanted to replace his hands with his mouth instead.

  “No,” he said firmly, his voice deepening and quickly moved away from her as an image of him performing that act came to his mind.

  Elif grabbed his hand again and pulled him toward her. Kabir’s eyes widened in surprise and he lost his balance, falling on top of her on the bed. Kabir was caught off guard and attempted to move from Elif. She grabbed his shoulder and flipped him over on his back, sitting on top of him now.

  Kabir stared up at her, his heart caught in his throat. Her hair and full breasts hung down in front of her, and she was leaning down on top of him. He felt her everywhere. He could feel her soft skin against his. Her nipples brushed against his bare chest causing him to shiver.

  “It’s okay,” Elif whispered softly, running her hand through his hair looking down at him.

  “Are you trying to seduce me?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

  Elif grinned. “Is it working?” she asked, then began kissing his neck.

  Yes, he thought.

  He closed his eyes to reminisce under her touch but only for a second. Kabir quickly pulled her off of him and got up. His body was shaking with want and desire. He couldn’t believe the things Elif was doing to him.

  She’s just drunk, Kabir thought trying to convince himself.

  She stared up at him from the bed. Slowly, she raised herself from the bed and attempted to stand in front of him. She was still wobbling as she struggled to stand.

  “You have always wanted me, but you have never said anything to me. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me, when you talk to me. Not just when I’m naked in front of you, but when I’m always in front of you, you look at me. You see me,” she said, slurring slightly.

  Kabir made no movements and avoided her gaze.

  She always knew how I felt, he realized.

  “Why aren’t you doing anything?” she whispered, the hurt beginning to form in her eyes after seeing his rejection. “You wanted to do this at the bar,” she added softly.

  Kabir took a deep breath, as he stood still looking at the ground, he said, “No. Not like this.”

  He continued, “Elif...You were sober then, now you’re drunk. You can’t consent. I’m not doing anything because I respect you. I respect you so much, I care about you more than anything else in this world, and I can’t take advantage of you no matter how much I want this. You’re too drunk right now, otherwise you would never be asking anything like this from me. Tomorrow you won’t remember anything.”

  He will remember everything though.

  He will remember the scars on her shoulder and her stomach.

  He will remember the way her lips felt against his.

  He will remember her on top of him.

  He will remember how her skin felt underneath his touch.

  Her eyes gazed at him before fluttering shut. She was getting sleepy and wobbling again. She fell again, and he caught her again. Her soft breasts bumped against his forearm, the hairs on his arms standing at a full attention now. He felt her nipples brush against his skin.

  Kabir sucked a breath in. He helped her gently get into bed and laid her down. Her eyes began to daze off. He began to move away from her before she reached out a hand and held his jawline above hers.

  She whispered his name.

  “Yes?” he asked hesitantly.

  “Thank you for everything,” Elif whispered before leaning up and pressing her lips against his. Then, she lost consciousness and the weight of her hands dropped.

  Kabir wrapped her in her silk robe he found earlier. He placed the blankets above her. He avoided looking at her, he avoided touching her. He regretted looking at her earlier and the dark thoughts he had felt.

  She wasn’t his to look at or touch, no matter how much he wanted her to be.

  Chapter 39

  Elif opened her eyes to the dimly lit room.

  She woke up with a killer headache; the first signs of a classic, terrible hangover. She felt as if the blackest of the clouds held over the head that had no intentions of clearing. She groaned and rubbed her splitting forehead. She stretched her arms out as she yawned and blinked owlishly. She squinted, and she wasn’t sure if it was morning or afternoon, she couldn’t tell since the drapes were shut closed. She was glad the curtains were still closed. She wasn’t used to bright light when she was hungover. Her hangovers were getting worse, as she was getting older, now that she was in her new thirties.

  Maybe, this is why older people don’t drink as much, nor they get drunk too often, she thought. It takes a toll on your body.

  Her mouth felt dry, and she coated it with the dehydrated saliva. The next day the aftertaste was disgusting. It was strange how the smell of the wine last night was intoxicating but now it made her nauseous. Her lips felt cracked as she touched them.

  She could hear eggs frying in the kitchen.

  Her movements stilled.

  Elif wondered, who’s here?

  She remembered Kabir driving her home, then she relaxed. She looked down and noticed she was wearing her long silk robe she hadn't worn in years. She used to wear this for her husband.

  She moved away from bed, the room began to swirl as it was a struggle to walk. Her limbs felt heavy. She tiptoed to the kitchen and saw Kabir cooking. He heard her small footsteps approaching and turned to look at her.

  “Hey,” Kabir said.

  “Hi,” Elif replied sheepishly. “Thank you for dropping me off.”

  “I’m making breakfast for you. Take a shower first, you reek of alcohol and filth, then I will give you Tylenol.�
��

  She bristled at his cold words and sniffed at her arms. She recoiled at the overwhelming scent of her body.

  He was right, she realized, then headed to her bathroom to take a hot shower. She splashed cold water on her face and felt more refreshed. She wished she could wash the toxins away from her body too. Her brain was still trying to recover from the previous night, as if it still had an axe in her head.

  She looked herself in the mirror at her disheveled appearance. Gone was the glamour girl of last night and replaced with the true Elif. A messy work of painted colors. Last night’s mascara and lipstick were smeared over her face, but she looked happy.

  She felt happier.

  She looked like someone seeking to reform herself into something beautiful again. The walls of her dungeon had melted away, and now they were gone. It was a place she thought it was impossible to get out of, but it was possible. Before, she was in a place where she had been unable to be herself, unable to get out of it, unable to talk to anyone. The barriers were broken now. The walls were gone. Her wounds were healing, and her bruises were healing.

  She smiled at herself in the mirror.

  Ten minutes later, she exited wearing her white pajama set and her hair held high in the towel. Kabir glanced at her, and then he glanced at her feet. He stifled a smile before turning around. She narrowed her eyes and looked. She was wearing Bugs Bunny slippers.

  He needs to grow up, she thought.

  Then she realized that could apply to her as well.

  Kabir set the breakfast table. She said thank you before gobbling up the fried omelette with her hot cup of tea.

  “So,” Kabir began to ask, “What do you remember about last night?”

  “I was very drunk, and you dropped me home.”

  Kabir simply nodded. He avoided her gaze and resumed eating.

  ❖

  Days passed but Elif made no mention of the night he dropped her home. Kabir assumed she didn't remember, so he didn't bring it up again. He did bring up the kiss from the night prior to that.

  “Red.”

  She turned toward him. “What?” she asked.

  “I wanted to talk about the night of your birthday.”

  Elif paused from drinking her wine and remained silent.

  “We kissed,” he reminded her.

  “You kissed me,” she said.

  “You kissed me back too,” he said softly.

  She glanced at him. After some hesitation, she said with a smile, “At the moment, it just happened. No big deal right. We’re friends?”

  Kabir turned away from her. He didn’t understand her words. She had kissed him back willingly. He bitterly smiled. “Right, friends who kiss like that.”

  “Kabir...” Elif’s voice trailed off.

  He took a deep breath and said, “No, you’re right. We’re friends, nothing more.” He quickly got up and Elif grabbed at his hand.

  She called out to him. Kabir didn’t glance backward at her this time. He flinched from her touch, pulling away from her.

  “Kabir, stay.” He heard her say in a small voice

  “No,” he said in a firm voice and walked away.

  Elif stared at the sight of Kabir’s back as he moved away from her. His words burned her and she winced at the blow.

  He’s never talked to me like that.

  She was angry and took a sip of her drink. Someone hovered over her, and it was no surprise it was Aryan. He had a disapproving expression on his face.

  “What?” she snapped at him.

  “You shouldn’t push him away,” Aryan replied.

  “You just saw him leave. He walked away!”

  “Yeah, because you made him. It’s only so much a man could take after patiently waiting for months, only to be rejected after being used, kicked to the curb, and discarded like a piece of shit.”

  His words hit her with a full force. Her eyes widened, and her mouth dropped as she stared at Aryan.

  “You...” her voice trailed off.

  Elif Mazandarani was left speechless for the first time in so long.

  “You don’t drink as much as you used to, Elif. What’s going on?” Aryan asked her. She was surprised he noticed. She only had two drinks per night.

  “I never asked Kabir to be there for me. He chose to. He never told me about his feelings. You were there for me too, does that mean you expect a relationship from me too?!” she exclaimed.

  “The point is you guys made out. You both did, and now you don’t know how to handle that mess,” Aryan said.

  “I always considered him a friend,” Elif protested.

  “That is fine but don’t be making out then. Feelings get confused and hurt then. If you hadn’t kissed him back, he would have backed down. You can’t get angry at him for walking away from you. He has the right to grieve now like you once did.”

  She was silent as he continued talking, “Even though he's never admitted his feelings, you did know, Elif. He won’t wait forever. Catch him before someone else does, and trust me, there are plenty.”

  She was still licking the wounds of his last blow, and she was unprepared for this one. She bowed her head down, burying it deep within her arms.

  Chapter 40

  There was a new woman who frequented the bar a lot.

  A woman who often was in conversation with Kabir. Elif watched them from a distance as she took a sip from her drink. She noticed the way Kabir smiled. Her eyes narrowed when the woman placed her hands on his arms. Her long, pointed nails were painted white. Elif could imagine the screeching sound of them.

  She shook her head, brushing the negative thoughts from her mind. She turned toward them again, and she studied the woman. The brown skin woman was stunning and tall. She was wearing a mustard colored dress, and her shoulder-length black hair was curled. Elif turned away from the scene and focused on her drink. She took a big gulp but found herself looking at their direction again.

  The woman left, and Kabir stopped by the bar.

  Elif casually asked, “So, Kabir, who was that?”

  “Oh, her name is Sabine. We were college friends back in the day,” he replied.

  “Sabine is beautiful,” Elif commented and she meant it. “Did you ask her out yet?”

  Kabir glanced at her furrowing his eyebrows.

  She shrugged. “What? Your love life is non-existent. I haven’t seen you date anyone ever.”

  “I don’t have the time, “Kabir replied.

  “You’re supposed to take time out and date people. You’re still young, go have fun.”

  “Says the drunk,” he commented leaning his elbow against the bar.

  She raised her eyebrows and gave him a smile.

  “When’s the last time you got laid?” Elif asked him randomly. Kabir looked up sharply from his phone. She had a guilty expression on her face before looking away.

  How much of that night does she actually remember? he wondered. Kabir was about to reply, but one of his servers called out his name, and he left the bar area.

  ❖

  Kabir had been on a few dates with Sabine now, but he didn't feel a spark or connection like he felt with her.

  Elif.

  He unlocked the front door, and Sabine followed him inside. She began kissing his neck the moment he closed it. Kabir shut his eyes and breathed deeply. He leaned against the wall, and memories of Elif came rushing toward him.

  The first time he kissed her.

  Then, he was against the wall.

  Elif had her lips pressed against his.

  Elif was biting his lip.

  Kabir blinked multiple times wishing the memory away. Sabine smiled up at him, and Kabir only saw her.

  Elif.

  He wished it was her here.

  Kabir saw Elif standing in front of him in a white dress. She leaned up and whispered in his ear, “Just have some fun.”

  He blinked, and she was replaced with Sabine.

  He pushed himself away from Sabine and mumbled an
apology about being tired and having to work early tomorrow.

  Chapter 41

  Kabir noticed Elif sitting at the bar in a strapless, nude colored flocked mesh dress. Her dress had pink polka dots on them with a Bardot neckline. Her hair was long, and it flowed as it hung down her back. She had her legs crossed as she held a drink in her hand.

  Does she have any idea how beautiful she is? he thought.

  He walked toward her, and she angled her face toward him. Elif’s beautiful porcelain face stared back at him. She smiled at him. At her smile, he almost forgot what he wanted to say, his breath caught in his throat.

  “I took your advice. I took Sabine to my house,” he said calmly after a few moments and waited for Elif’s reaction.

  Her facial expressions didn't give her away, but Kabir noticed her grip on the glass tightened.

  Bingo.

  “It sounds exciting,” she said drily. “What else happened?”

  “I was against the wall, and she was kissing me. Sounds familiar?” Kabir asked her, impatiently, taking a jab at her.

  Elif looked up at him in surprise.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Kabir had heard enough. Either, Elif actually had no memory of the drunken night or she was a great actress. He took the glass from her hand, placing it on the bar, and grabbed her hand, ignoring her protests. He headed toward the backdoor to the outside lounge still ignoring her protests. There was no one sitting out there.

  He closed the door behind him. He stared down at her, hurt and unsure of where to begin to explain his feelings for her.

  “Kabir?” Elif asked, tilting her head to the side gently touching his arm. He grabbed her by the wrist pulling her toward him. She took a sharp intake of air.

  “You okay?” she asked gently.

  He let out a frustrated sigh.

  “Do you really not know what’s wrong, or you’re just blind, Elif?” Kabir asked, as his eyes darted to the left and right. He still hadn’t let go of her wrist. He gazed down at her then and swallowed hard.