Baggage & Buttons

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘I’m so in love with you Mia Page,’ he sighed as he rested his forehead on mine.

  ‘And me with you Gabe Austin,’ I whispered, feeling my stomach flip again.

  ‘Come on, or I’m going to combust with you this close to me. I’m hard just from looking at you,’ he set me down and kissed my hair as he took my hand and we made our way down to the largest of the lakes in contented silence.

  They were stunning, I gazed at the beautiful expanse of calm water with swans and ducks gliding over it, there were overhanging willows dipping into its edges, it was picturesque and so tranquil. Gabe spotted a large tree trunk that had been hewn into an armchair, sat down and pulled me onto his lap. I leaned my head against his chest and just enjoyed the sound of his heartbeat and the distant quaking and the smell of fresh cool air creeping into my nostrils.

  ‘Mia?’ he whispered.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Can we talk about our argument about the shopping this morning, it’s really bothering me.’

  ‘Gabe, do we have to?’

  ‘You really think I’ve got an ulterior motive with you?’

  ‘No,’ I sighed. I sensed he wasn’t going to let it drop.

  ‘So what?’

  ‘You remind me of someone sometimes and it just rubs me up the wrong way.’

  ‘Are you trying to tell me you’re not happy with the way our relationship’s going?’ he asked. I looked up at him and he looked all confused again.

  ‘No, god no. I just told you again how I feel about you, don’t doubt that. It’s not you yourself, just the way you can be so … so …’

  ‘Domineering is the phrase I think you quite happily used this morning, twice.’

  ‘Well you can be Gabe. Please I don’t want to argue,’ I said sighing.

  ‘No one’s arguing, I’m just asking you to talk to me. Do you trust me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you say you love me?’ he said nosing my hair.

  ‘I do love you Gabe.’

  ‘Then what can go wrong baby? Talk to me so I know what I’m doing wrong.’

  ‘O Gabe, you’re not doing anything wrong. You were just being generous, protective and chivalrous and it’s all me, it’s me and my baggage. God I wish we could just leave it,’ I sighed. He pulled my chin up to make me look directly at him.

  ‘Baby please, I need to know. Does this have to do with you finding it hard to believe anyone can love you?’

  ‘Maybe,’ I shrugged.

  ‘Well I told you that you’re wrong, because you know I love you and so does Lexi.’

  ‘Well I know Lexi does, we’ve been best friends for seven years. It’s just men I’m mistrustful of.’

  ‘Because of your dad?’

  ‘What makes you say that?’ I asked, tensing up. My dad wasn’t a topic I really liked thinking about myself, let alone talking about. It was hard enough in counselling sessions.

  ‘You’ve talked about your mum and stepdad, but never your dad.’

  ‘I just don’t have a good relationship with him and I hardly see him. You’ll think I’m so pathetic Gabe.’

  ‘If it upsets you, then it’s important to me. I need to know what I’m doing to bring these feelings back.’

  ‘You’re so sweet.’ I kissed his lips and ran my fingers over them and then started stroking the back of his neck.

  ‘Mia please stop, you’re trying to distract me again. Why are things so bad with you both?’

  ‘He left my mum the minute he found out she was pregnant with me alright?’ I said in a rush and sighed heavily. ‘He never wanted me, I was just a mistake.’

  ‘O baby I’m sorry,’ Gabe kissed the top of my head and hugged me tighter.

  ‘He wasn’t even there when I was born Gabe, never paid my mum a penny of child support, or made any effort to see me. I don’t even remember him growing up, I was about 8 when he suddenly decided he wanted to get to know me and my sister again, but it was too late and even then he’d rarely show up when he promised. At every school play or recital I’d look at the other kids’ dads, all beaming with pride and he wasn’t there … he was never there.’ I felt my stomach knot and bit my lip.

  ‘I know how hard that can be,’ he kissed my temple softly.

  ‘O god. Please don’t even compare Gabe.’ I struggled out of his embrace and looked at him mortified. ‘That’s not what I intended. What I’ve been through is nothing compared to you losing your mum, that’s why I didn’t want to talk about this to you.’

  ‘It’s ok Mia, I knew she could never be there for me because she’d gone, she’d died. Yes it was gutting, but I can’t imagine how it must feel to know a parent’s alive and doesn’t want to be a part of your life, I couldn’t have handled that. I think kids should be the priority in a parent’s life, otherwise why have them in the first place? Your situation is completely different to mine, so you can talk to me about it.’

  ‘But I don’t want to bring you down with all my shit Gabe.’

  ‘Baby I’m fine, honestly. Plus I don’t want to remind you of him and screw this up, so talk to me. You met when you were 8?’

  ‘Yes,’ I sighed, thinking how upset I’d been. ‘I remember mum packing my little case and saying I was going to stay with my dad for a weekend and Georgie was coming too. I thought she meant Gerry and asked why she wasn’t coming with us. So when she explained it was my other dad, my biological dad and she couldn’t come, I sobbed my heart out and begged her not to send me.’

  ‘You thought Gerry was your real dad?’ he asked, sounding surprised.

  ‘No, I knew he was my “step dad” but that distinction didn’t really mean anything to me at that age. He married mum when I was four, so he’s all I can remember. As far as I was concerned he was my dad. God it was horrible, we went for a whole weekend and I cried the whole time, which didn’t go down well at all and he got really cross with me. So it all started then, he’s a property developer and he’s got money, plenty of money and he started buying me things to try and make me like him. The biggest cuddly toys, games, clothes, you name it and I hated all of them and gave them all away, I wanted nothing to do with him.’

  ‘Did it never improve?’

  ‘Not really,’ I shook my head. ‘He insisted on having us for a weekend twice a year. Me sulking and refusing to go made Mum cross, because it caused arguments between her and dad, which then got Gerry upset. Georgie and I’d fight about it too, as she liked him, so it just became easier to pretend I was ok with it in the end, but I hated it. I think he knew as he’d palm me off on his PA Christine most of the time. He’d also remarried and had kids a few years younger than me, but he was all over them. There were pictures of him playing in the park with them, at Father Christmas’s grotto and all I could think was… why them? … why not me? What did they have that I didn’t? I’d go home and cry in my room for hours.’

  ‘O baby, this is why you think you’re unlovable?’ Gabe ran his nose back and forth along my temple.

  ‘Well aren’t parents supposed to love you unconditionally? He seems to really love his other kids and he just clicked straight away with Georgie. What if it’s me? What if there’s something really wrong with me?’ I looked up at him again, with fear in my eyes. He was bringing back feelings I really didn’t want by making me talk about this.

  ‘Baby, there isn’t anything wrong with you. You just have such a big heart you need to protect it more, so you put up extra barriers for people to get through, to prove their love. He obviously senses that and he’s trying to reach you in other ways.’

  ‘Like with his money?’

  ‘Does he do that a lot?’

  ‘Yes and it’s always a large cheque after he misses a visit, or an even larger one for birthday’s and Christmas, now the apartment. I feel like he’s trying to buy my love, or alleviate his guilt.’

  ‘Maybe he doesn’t know how else to connect if you’ve shut down with him.’

  ‘So it’s all my fault? Is that what
you’re saying?’ I asked as I sat upright on his lap and shot him a glare.

  ‘No, I’m just saying he made a huge mistake Mia, maybe he realises that and he’s trying to get you to forgive him. This is the only way he knows how.’

  ‘I want to make it work Gabe, I mean he’s my dad, my real dad. I feel like I’m supposed to love him, but he’s pretty much a stranger to me. He’s just let me down so often, saying he’d come then cancelling at the last minute, then a cheque would arrive. I’d just get my hopes up to have them dashed again and I hate it.’ I sank back down and buried my face in his jumper and bit my lip to stop myself from crying. Christ all I did was cry around Gabe, what if he got pissed off with me too? Just like Alex had. I felt one of his hands rubbing up and down my back as he stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.

  ‘I get it now.’

  ‘Get what?’ I mumbled.

  ‘The rules, the issues with me paying for things, you’re scared that I’m trying to buy your affection, or that I’m going to let you down like he has. You were trying to protect your heart, just like I was by trying to avoid relationships. I was doing so well, avoiding any attachment and then you came along and took my breath away,’ he whispered and kissed my temple. I felt my stomach knot at his words, he made me feel so safe. I stayed still, my fingers clinging to his jumper, caressing the soft fabric between my finger and thumb. ‘When your dad left he’d not even met you Mia, he didn’t know you, never had a chance to see you and to love you. If he’d stayed I guarantee he’d never have treated you the way he did.’

  ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Because I couldn’t Mia, I saw inside you the first time I looked at you. That bloody guy you were with had his hands all over you and I just wanted to push him away, to protect you from him. You hadn’t even seen me at that point, I didn’t even know you, but I just knew that you needed to be loved and taken care off and somehow I just knew that it was me that was meant to do it. I wanted to love you and protect you, even if I got nothing in return.’

  ‘Gabe don’t, you’re going to make my cry. Please don’t. I feel like you’re saying what my dad should, he should love me and want to protect me but he does the opposite, he hurts me and leaves me vulnerable.’

  ‘I understand that Mia, but I get to hold you every day, to kiss you and tell you I love you. Your dad doesn’t, so he’s doing it the only way he knows how, with money.’

  ‘He’s got loads of money, it’s nothing to him.’

  ‘Well me buying you little gifts and wanting to pay for things is another way for me to look out for you, to show you how much you mean to me and to let you know that I’m thinking of you,’ he kissed my hair again and I struggled out of his embrace and sat up to face him.

  ‘But do you see why I find it so hard? There are just so many expectations when he does it, he seems to think that I’ll just forgive and forget everything with a gift.’

  ‘There are no expectations from me Mia. Even before you told me you loved me, I was happy to carry on even with the possibility in the back of my mind that you’d never say it back. Love should be unconditional, mine is for you.’

  I grasped his face repeatedly kissing him and as he tightened his arms around me, I buried my face his in neck. Sometimes he could make me feel so secure, so safe, so cherished. It was still so unexpected and strange to have that feeling from a man.

  ‘So what’s all this I’m not going to be a compliant housewife, I want a career business about?’

  ‘He rubs it in every time I see him that I don’t need an education, I need to find a wealthy man, settle down, have a family and be a housewife, that’s all I’m good for,’ I sighed and Gabe laughed. ‘It’s not funny Gabe,’ I protested, sitting up again. ‘I have a brain you know, just because I’m a girl doesn’t make me any less of a person.’

  ‘Sorry, I just totally get where this totally infuriating stubborn streak comes from. You’re so desperate to prove him wrong aren’t you? This is why you get so stroppy when I interrupt your lectures, tell you what to do and criticise your lack of cooking skills.’

  ‘Are you always so bloody insightful?’

  ‘A lot of men still find it hard to accept women in the work place Mia, I’ve no such problem baby. In fact based on your sorry attempt to cook sausages the other night, I’ll beg you to go out and get a job and I’ll happily stay at home, do all the cooking and be a kept man,’ he chuckled. I stood up and stared down at him open mouthed with my hands on my hips.

  ‘Gabe Austin I don’t know whether to hit you or kiss you.’

  ‘Then please kiss me and I’ll try to be a bit more understanding about what pushes your buttons baby.’ He tugged my hand to pull me down to straddle his lap and I pulled him to me by the hair and we kissed. We only came up for air when we heard a young child giggling and I opened my eyes to find him standing close by, pointing at us. Gabe and I laughed and I stood up and reached for his hand and we started following the path around the lake. He lifted my hand to his lips, kissed it and smiled at me.

  ‘What was that for?’ I asked.

  ‘For talking to me, I know that was hard for you.’

  ‘No, actually it wasn’t. You make everything so easy Gabe,’ I said as I squeezed his hand tightly. I’d never been so relaxed in a relationship, yes he did drive me crazy sometimes, in a seriously bad way, but crazy in an amazingly good way too. I looked up at him as we walked and bit my lip to stop myself from grinning inanely. He was so damn hot and he was mine and really seemed to be in love with me. I felt my stomach and heart flutter at the same time and had to take in a quick breath, surprised at the sensation. Holy crap, I’d forgotten for a minute that so was I, seriously in love and that combined sensation had just reminded me. He squeezed my hand tightly and I looked up at him again.

  ‘Ok baby?’

  ‘Yes thanks,’ I nodded, tucking my hair behind my ear.

  ‘You looked really serious for a second there.’

  ‘Sorry, it’s just hit me that we’re not just dating Gabe. We’re more.’

  ‘More?’

  ‘That we’re serious, hence serious face.’

  ‘Is that frightening you?’ he frowned as I looked up at him.

  ‘Is it you?’

  ‘No. Do you think we’re moving too fast?’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘No, I think things happen for a reason. If it feels right for us to move at this speed then don’t you think that we were meant to be?’

  ‘Do you think we were meant to be?’

  ‘Are you going to answer every bloody question I ask with a question?’ he said as he stopped walking and dropped my hand and studied me intently. I bit my lip as I looked up at him.

  ‘We are moving fast Gabe and it scares me a bit, I just told you that I love you, which is huge for me. I guess I just need some reassurance that we’re in the same place,’ I said with a shrug as I looked down. Why did talking always feel more intimate than having sex with him? He tipped my chin up to make me look at him.

  ‘Don’t I tell you enough how I feel about you?’ he asked with a concerned expression.

  ‘You tell me all the time Gabe, I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s going on, I’m tired, emotional and I just feel a bit vulnerable today. I’m not used to talking about my feelings with anyone but Lexi and you’ve got me talking about my dad, telling you I love you …’ I blew out a deep breath. ‘I’ve let you get to me, I’ve let you in and it’s a massive deal.’

  ‘You’re still scared I’m going to hurt you?’ he whispered as his eyes searched mine.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t want to believe it Gabe, but I feel like I did when I was studying for my last exams.’

  ‘What?’ he asked, looking confused.

  ‘It’s like I know I’m doing my best, but what if it’s not good enough? What if I give it my all and I get a C? I’m scared because I’ve never got a C in my life, I always do things I’m good at and get A’s or at worst B
’s, but you’re my Physics, I was convinced I was rubbish at physics so I didn’t take it, because I was worried I’d get a C. I don’t do anything I’m not good at and I’m not good at relationships Gabe.’

  ‘So I’m physics and you’re scared because you’ve taken it and may only get a C and not an A?’

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered as I lowered my eyes, his fingers still under my chin.

  ‘You couldn’t just say you’re trying something new and scary and are worried you’ll fuck up?’ he laughed. I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes.

  ‘Gabe. I told you I’m not good at relationships or all this emotional talking stuff and this is a big deal to me. I’ve never told anyone I love them before, not a guy.’

  ‘It’s a big deal to me too Mia,’ he said, suddenly looking at me very seriously. ‘We’re both in the same position baby and I feel like I’m in freefall too, but I’ll take how scared I am over falling in love with you and worrying that I’ll get hurt, over every single day I lived through before of not loving you, or having you love me back. I’m terrified too, but I’m also seriously happy at the same time.’

  ‘Really?’ How did he manage to articulate exactly what I was thinking, but put it in an understandable and romantic way? And there’s me babbling on about bloody science exams like a moron.

  ‘Yes, we’re both going through the same worries Mia, that we’ll get hurt, because we’re not good enough and the other one will leave us. We need to just trust in how we feel about each other and go with it day by day like we agreed. Don’t over think it or you’ll terrify yourself and then I will lose you and I couldn’t bear that.’ He pulled me to him, clasping me around the waist, one hand still under my chin and I couldn’t look away from his eyes this time, underneath all the confidence and cockiness, I could see the same deep rooted fear I felt inside. He was exactly where I was, in love and bloody terrified.

  ‘I couldn’t bear it either Gabe,’ I whispered and took a deep breath as his lips came down to meet mine. He kissed me so tenderly, he made me forget what we were talking about, or even where we were, as I clung to him to keep my legs from buckling under me.