Life is Short But Wide

by J. California Cooper

  He thought she had ignored or rejected him.

  Myine didn't move, she sat at the table a moment longer. She was thinking of her life: a life disappearing without ever being loved by a man.

  You know, you can't help how your mind is built. Being reticent, demure, just plain shy and bashful, can be a handicap-, just like it can work to the good for a person, sometimes. There is nothing a person can do about how their mind is made, now is there? I blive that's why God said for us not to judge: We don't usually know a thing for sure. We just like to think we do. Well, that's a sin.

  She thought, aloud, “Oh, Lord, I don't want to just screw somebody. No, I'm too old to be talking about screwing. I don't want to just fuck some man, any man. But I am a human woman. I want to be fulfilled. He doesn't even have to make love to me; just hold me, be with me. And maybe, don't leave.”

  Now! You see that! They are getting too old to breathe, almost, and still, they are too timid, bashful, and embarrassed to just go on and live. I remember a song that asked, “Who Is Gonna Know a Million Years from Today?” I was just out-done when they didn't get together by this time. Even I was married, twice, by that time.

  Everybody in town, in church, knew what Herman was doing, but not Myine. Like a lump on a log! She could lose that man! But, still, I knew Herman loved her! And he was not dumb. I saw him move his life right on over to her house on her land! It was the long way around, but the ends had to meet… somewhere! I didn't blive Herman was going to let go of that love thing.

  When Herman moved his things into his new home above the shed, Myine wondered if she was a fool, being used. But when she really thought of Herman, she knew she was not a fool. He was extremely good to her.

  During that day Myine went to visit Juliet. Juliet surprised her by greeting her with “Hello, happy woman!”

  Wondering why, Myine said, “No, you're the happy woman.”

  “Well, aren't you happy too?”

  Myine slumped down in a chair. “No, not really. But, I'm glad you and Cloud are happy. Let me ask you something.”

  “Go right ahead, anytime.”

  “How did you know Cloud was the one man, the right man, for you?”

  Juliet smiled a little private smile. “I was in love with him. And men weren't exactly knocking at my door anyway. But, I didn't need them. I had known Cloud a long time. I just loved him.”

  “Yes, but you could have been wrong, Juliet.”

  “I go by my Bible, Myine. Both your mother and my mother taught me about the Bible and life. Cloud was always honest. You judge a tree by the fruit it bears. He didn't give me no pain, except little boy-girl, men-women pains. They're natural. He was kind to me, always kind. Not only to me, but to Rose, my mama, his mama, and his aunts and cousins.

  “He has love built right into him. He just loves; trees, birds, everything. He does not even hunt, and kill things. We mostly eat vegetables that we all grow, less I want a ham hock or something special with my beans. He is the same kind of man you have.”

  “I don't have a man, Juliet.”

  Juliet laughed ironic laughter. “Oh, yes, you have a man, you just may not know it. Or you're scared. Herman loves you. Real good.”

  “How can he love me?”

  “Chile, listen to me. You are a good woman. You are kind, and honest, and I know you are faithful, as a woman and as a friend. Your heart is in a place of love. You ain't no blind fool, well … You might be a little blind if you can't see how Herman loves you. He licks you all over, eats you up with his eyes. Maybe when you ain't lookin, but I've seen him do it.”

  Myine moaned in desperation. “Juliet, what can I do? I don't want to lie naked beside some man in this world where youth and beauty are the most important things. I'm old, and my body is breaking down. I have aches and pains I don't tell anyone about. I can't read without my glasses. I even have some false teeth that are worn out; I need new ones. My thighs are changing shapes, and my arms are getting a little flabby. I'm just not a good choice for any man!”

  Juliet would not laugh at Myine because she knew how serious this could be to anybody, not only women. She placed her hand on Myine's, and said, “Take all those things you just said you have that you think are so bad; add a flabby stomach, because I had a baby, and almost hanging titties after nursing that baby. And useless legs he has to stand me up on in one place; he has to even open them, most times, when we make love, and then you really got the worst case. And still, still Cloud loves me. And you can add to that, I am older than you.”

  Myine looked at Juliet a long time.

  Both were silent, thinking, wondering.

  After another moment, or two, Myine sadly said, “Well, we'll just be two old fools trying to be young, talking about love.”

  Juliet shook her head as she said, “It does not make you a fool to want love. Love is natural, chile. It would be unnatural not to think of love.”

  “Oh, Juliet, I ought to go join some senior citizen group and end all this misery in my heart.”

  “Myine, what you need to do is take Herman and throw him in your bed, and make love to him. Or go get married to him, and get on with your life.”

  “He hasn't asked me.”

  “You wait for too much; you are no kid. You talk like someone who hasn't seen some life.”

  “Juliet, it's been many, many years, since I've even been with a man.”

  “Then why don't you just cross your legs, and give up on life?”

  “Ohhhhhh, Juliet!”

  “Then get out, Myine! Go on home. You don't have no problem; you are the problem! Go on, go on over to your own house and cry.”

  Myine slowly walked home through the woods. But, in about an hour she walked quickly back to Juliet's house. Herman was gathering supplies and tools to start building Myine's sunroom, and he saw her as she was going back to Juliet's.

  He motioned to Cloud, saying, “Myine's going back to your house. Wonder what they talk so much about.”

  Cloud laughed, answering, “Food and sex.”

  Herman laughed half heartedly and kept gathering his supplies. He was eager to get started. He had his plans in his head, and down on paper. “I can get this done in two days, if you help me.”

  Cloud answered, “If we work late, we can get it done in one day and a half. You got everything?”

  “Yea, I'm ready.”

  “You must have some private plans for that sunroom. You awful eager to get on it.”

  Herman laughed lightly. “This room is coming with its own plans.”

  As they were walking over to start the sunroom work, they saw Myine headed back to Juliet's house. Herman said, “My lord. They're either cooking a lot, or Juliet's talking about you … and sex.”

  Myine knocked lightly, and opened the door to Juliet's house. “Hey, Ms. Lady. Juliet?”

  “I'm still here; come on in. You forget something?”

  “I just have to ask you something.”

  “Well, let me put some more water on for tea.”

  Myine sat down, smiling a little. “Let's have a glass of that white wine you're always offering me.”

  “Oh, my, Myine! It's early, but sometimes I like a glass early.”

  As Juliet prepared the wine and glasses, Myine sat down in a leather lounge chair meant for Cloud, that he seldom used. He liked sitting or stretching out on the floor. The floors were clean, and comfortable to him.

  When they were settled, with glasses in hand, Juliet said, “I like it real cold, so I put ice in my wine.”

  Myine answered, “I like it cold, too.”

  Juliet took a deep breath, “Now, my sister-friend, I hope I can answer any questions you have. If I can't you'll be drunk, and won't know the difference anyway.”

  They laughed a little, then Myine asked, “How do you make love?”

  Juliet laughed a little, then said, “Why, it just comes naturally; you do what you feel.”

  “I mean, how do you look? How do you hold your face? You c
an't look at him!”

  “He is exactly what I look at, Myine. He is my man, and I'm about to make love to him, with him.”

  Myine sighed, exasperated. “I mean, do you fix your hair? Try to look pretty, and keep everything in place?”

  “You do that before you make love, if you have time, and want to. Once you get started, you don't even think about that. At least I don't. You can't make love, if your mind is someplace else!”

  “Well, suppose he looks at you while you are making love?”

  “Oh, Myine, I see what the matter is. You are scared, and you were always bashful! Don't be bashful, Myine; that man won't be thinking of your hair or your face. Just relax and be yourself.”

  “I have to be myself, Juliet, but I don't want him to see me in a … a nasty way.”

  “You think he, or any man, will worry bout if you see him in a ‘nasty’ way?”

  Myine thought a minute, then shook her head. “Men are different.”

  “No they're not, Myine. Not when people are making love; when you make love, you think of the feelings. That's why, maybe, you never had an orgasm. I hear tell that some men can be lousy lovers, but I think you were thinking bout the wrong things while you were trying to make love.”

  “What do you mean, the wrong things? Tell me the right things, Juliet.”

  “Number one, it's about making love, it is not a beauty contest. You're not there to be beautiful; that all happens before you get there. Once you get there, you let go, and just be yourself.”

  “Juliet, I don't know which self to be. How to be …”

  “Myine, you have to … have to relax. I don't mean lay there like a log, but … relax. When he gets on top of you, welcome him into your arms, but lay relaxed. Then when he goes to put it in, stay relaxed. But pull your knees up to his hips; but stay relaxed.” She gave Myine a sidewise look, and asked “Are you making me tell you these things when you already know?”

  “But I don't know, Juliet.”

  “Okay. When things start happenin, kissin, huggin, pettin, and all that, make your kisses soft, don't tense your lips, don't pucker up; relax your lips, so they will be soft. Now, I don't like all that tongue in your ear stuff! Kiss my ears, soft and sweetlike, and my neck …”

  “Has he put it in yet?”

  “Oh, lots of things can be happening; just remember you have to help yourself to have an orgasm. Don't leave it all up to him to make you …”

  Myine stared into Juliet's eyes, speechless, drinking in every word.

  Juliet stared back into Myine's face, saying, “I can't believe as old as you are, you don't know this already.”

  Myine shook her head, in a daze. “I don't know though. My mother couldn't teach me.”

  Juliet snorted softly. “Mamas don't always tell you; you just grow to know. Or, I guess it depends on your man. He has to make you feel … make you want to do all the things …”

  “Okay, Juliet, what else?”

  Juliet laughed a little, as she continued, “When he puts, you know what, in, you have to picture what he is doing in your mind, like imagine it, but see it in your mind, the same as he is doing it.”

  In wonder, Myine repeated, “Picture it in my mind.”

  “Yes, but pay relaxed attention to everything happening to you down there,” she pointed. “Every move he makes, let your body tell you what to do to answer his move. Don't plan it; feel it. Keep on picturing it in your mind til you feel it. If he knows what he is doing, you'll be done forgot about your hair, face, and everything else. Me, I like my knees up and relaxed open; let em fall open more, do they want to, far as they will go to the side.”

  “Suppose he has a small… thing? Not a big one? I've heard men need a big one.”

  Juliet smiled to her friend. “Chile, don't let people lie, and confuse you. If you love a man, his size won't matter. If you are picturing it in your mind, don't care what size it is, it got to be good. You don't want nobody to hurt you. You just want to relax and enjoy it. Now, some women are built big, but the Lord knew what he was doing when he made men and women. Size don't matter as much as love. If there is love, that is what makes all the difference in the world.”

  Hesitantly, Myine asked, “Is Cloud …?”

  “That ain't none of your business, my sister. And don't you be telling other women bout NOTHING your man can do! That's your business!” Juliet took a sip of her wine, and asked, “Now. Have you made up your mind, at least, to try it?”

  Myine's eyes were opened wide in the wonder of life, and she smiled as she answered, “I think I have.”

  “Stop lying, Myine, You know you're going to do it. You know you love Herman, and I know he loves you, all that work that man does for you!”

  “He does that for his own self.”

  “Well, what's for him, is for you. He cannot wrap the house and yard up, then pick it up and carry it away. He loves you Myine. You will have a good man.”

  Myine's “Yes” was loaded with smiles, and anticipation.

  (And by this time she is at least sixty-two years old! I haven't told you everything, that would take another sixty-two years. You just be glad I wanted to tell you this story, and I wanted to tell it cause people always talking, and writing, about young love-, I wanted to let you know there is Old love, too! Love never stops on this earth, cause of the fact God is love. But you got to be in a special place to find it. You got to know what is real about life, and what is false.)

  “And you will … come through, too, if you do what I told you!” Juliet turned to a small table, reaching for a paper list, saying, “Now, take these things I put together for you. A little perfume, ‘Joy’: wear only the best for your man. It's expensive; but I make this last me a year or two. That's why you have to pay me back for this.

  “Sometimes I order Worth perfume out of the magazine I have delivered to me. But it is hard to find, sometimes.

  “But, I'm'a give you this; Youth Dew by Estée Lauder is good, but use it early in the mornings so by evening time it will be faded enough. Put it in good spots, like between your breast, in your navel, after you wash it. That's enough, cause this stuff is strong, but it smells sexy.” She smiled a secret smile for herself.

  “By the evening it will fade away, and that's what you want. Then put a little Joy, just a little, behind your ears and on your thighs and neck. You can give me these bottles back in the morning, and you can buy your own. Cause our men buy tools, but these are our tools, and they make enough money. This is all for them anyway.

  “I know you got this, your own self; put something pretty on, and soft to his touch. Don't spray nothing on it, it needs to smell like your natural self.”

  Myine took in every word Juliet said, as if it were holy. “Oh, Juliet, you sound like I'm going out to some big, important affair.”

  “Myine, this can be the most important time in your life with your man. You want to make him remember it, and all of the times like this, as long as he lives. Love ain't no play thing, but, you are playing for keeps!”

  Ardently, breathlessly, Myine said, “Oh, thank you, Juliet! These are the things I wanted, needed to know.” She picked up the small bag, as if it were gold. Juliet frowned in wonder. “What I can't understand is how come you didn't already know. Women's born knowing these things; and magazines help a little; but you got to know when they lyin.”

  “I'd wager a friend, or a mother, is the most help, Juliet. And you're the only friend I've ever really had.”

  “I am your honest-to-God friend, Myine, honest. Your mama and my family were friends from the time I was born. But that ain't all it is: I love you. When I call you ‘sister,’ I mean it.”

  They were silent a moment, then Juliet reached for one more thing on the table. “Myine, you might not need this jellycrème, but I have it, just in case you do. Sometimes, things you don't use, dry up on ya!” They laughed girlish laughter of joy as Myine took the jar and nearly ran out the door.

  She headed straight home, smili
ng as she thought of her friend, Juliet. She saw Herman and Cloud cutting a hole the size of a door on the side of her house. The sight took her aback for a moment.

  “Well! Look what you are doing, Herman.”

  Herman answered, “Yea, just look what I'm doing. Don't worry, Myine, we will have a door here, and a sunroom besides … by tonight.”

  “By tonight?” she asked.

  “You don't trust me, Myine?”

  Myine relaxed, and smiled. “Yes, I trust you, Herman.”

  The men laughed, and she ran inside her house.

  Herman had all the studs and sheetrock for a twelve-by-eighteen-foot room marked off in the basement. He was also going to set and hinge the door to the outside. Cloud was setting the forms for the walls on the outside that would enclose the ten-by-twelve space for the sun-garden.

  They would stucco six-foot Indian adobe walls over the form, with a redwood fence that could be opened to let the rest of the yard and beautiful trees in. It was going to be very nice. The studding and sheetrocking was finished that first evening. They decided to leave the old wooden floors as they were. The outside wall to the private garden had yet to be done.

  “We can get that done tomorrow,” Herman said, as the two sweaty, tired men left to go to their showers and bed. He added, “I should be going upstairs in this house to take a bath, and go to bed. But, I'll wait.”

  Cloud smiled, saying, “At the rate you swingin that hammer, I know you ain't waitin long.” He turned off on his own path home.

  Herman laughed as he answered, “I don't have long. At my age, I could die in twenty minutes, so you are right, brother.”

  Juliet had Cloud's dinner ready. He showered, ate, and fell into the bed. Myine had fixed Herman a good meal and took it to him at his apartment. He was already snoring on his couch. She set the tray down: a steak, baked potato, and asparagus. Then she woke Herman, who looked dazzle-eyed until he realized where he was and smelled the food. She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead; as he was reaching for her, she said “Good-bye,” and left. She was not ready, and she wanted to use all the things Juliet had taught her about.