Protecting You (A McCord Family Novel Book 1)

by Amanda Siegrist

  The shock twisted through Zane's features, then he sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Austin. For you. For me. I guess I'm not as strong as you. Now if you don't mind, I have work to finish here and then a barn to finish building. We have too much work ahead of us. I don't have time to dwell on anything else." Zane turned back around and continued shoveling.

  Austin shook his head in disgust and stomped back out of the barn.

  ***

  Zane waited until he heard the barn doors close, then threw his shovel down hard onto the ground and slumped to the floor against the pen.

  Knees bent, he lowered his head down and started sobbing deeply. The heart wrenching defeat consumed his body. He let it all fall out as he thought of Ava's beautiful face. The devastation she displayed this morning when he snapped at her. The glorious way she felt in his arms. The smile that lit her face when he cracked a dumb joke. The furious way she clenched her fists when she was consumed with protection over them. It all came out in deep sobs he couldn't control.

  He regretted his abrupt good-bye, yet wouldn't want to change it. He hadn't even had the strength to sleep with her the last night. Standing in front of her door, almost twisting the knob, the pain he knew would come afterwards had him all but running to his room. He waited for her to come to him, thinking she may want to know why he wasn't there, but she hadn't.

  He had her beautiful body once and it shattered him apart as he never experienced before. Risking having her a second time, he knew the pieces of his soul would never be found as he would explode from the pleasure and love for her. She would survive without him. Not once did she scream into the night from a nightmare. He had at least cured her of that turmoil.

  A wet snout rubbed his face. He glanced up at a pig, who snorted at him. "What, you think I'm an idiot, too, do you?" Zane growled as he wiped his face with his sleeve.

  The pig continued to stare at him with perceptive eyes. "Quit looking at me. It was for the best. She wouldn't have been happy here. She loves New York. She said so herself many times."

  The pig snorted again.

  "I couldn't tell her I loved her, I couldn't. Do you hear me?" Zane sighed as he stared at the pig. "I was scared, okay. I still am. I miss her so damn much."

  The pig snorted in response. Zane laughed. "You miss her, too, huh? I am an idiot. I'm sitting here talking to a damn pig."

  Zane stood up, realizing he sat down in the pig manure he was trying to clean out. Austin was right. He could take a shower to wash this off, but he couldn't wash it off inside. He grabbed his shovel, climbed out of the pen, and started to walk away when he heard the pig oink at him.

  He turned around and glared. "Hey, just because we had a moment there, don't think you're a pet here. You're a pig. She's gone and can't say otherwise to me." Zane sighed. "Because if she did say you were a pet, I'd probably give in and say okay. I'd lose money on the farm if you all became pets, damn it. Do you hear me? You're nothing but meat to me. I'm not giving you a name either."

  Zane started to walk away and stopped, turning again at the pig. "Your time is dwindling here. You're on my list to take to the local market, do you hear me? You can't change my mind. Go ahead and call her to save yourself." He took a few deep breaths to calm down. "Maybe I should call her. Am I that dumb?"

  The pig snorted in reply. Zane glared. "Yeah, you're right, I am because I'm still talking to a pig. Forget I said anything."

  Zane continued to the end of the barn, trying to forget everything. He had work to do. Yet, as he tried focusing on his tasks, he kept thinking of what Ava would name the pig. Georgy was a nice name. He suddenly dropped to the floor, sobbing one more time from the loss of it all.

  ***

  Ava closed her apartment door with a soft click booming loudly in her ears. She tossed her suitcase in the middle of the room, losing all her strength for the day. Her flight had been long, her thoughts jumbled in a hectic mess. When she saw her dad, she pasted a smile on her face and hugged him, hoping for the pain to seep out of her. It still lingered.

  He took her to one of their favorite restaurants, a little dive only locals swarmed to that had the best Chinese food around the city. They talked about her time in Minnesota, about Jimmy, how she was doing with the loss. She rarely mentioned Zane and her dad didn't inquire much about him. She saw he felt secure knowing she was on the mend and that's all that mattered.

  She kicked her shoes off, walked over to the fridge and sighed heavily after she pulled it open. No food. Yet, the idea of stepping out of her apartment wouldn't come. Her stomach wasn't grumbling with hunger. Thirst was an entirely different story.

  She headed to her bedroom to change from feeling flight dirt when a knock sounded at her door. A deep breath escaped as she walked to her door and opened it.

  "I've come bearing gifts and a beautiful woman," Markus said with a grin, holding a case of beer as Ashley stood next to him rolling her eyes.

  "How sweet of you. It's so good to see you guys. Did my dad call you?" Ava asked as she gave them each a hug and closed the door after they stepped inside.

  "Yeah. He said you were coming in today. He called a little bit ago saying you looked good. Just wanted to make sure you were still okay when you got home," Markus said. "You look good, Ava. We were all worried."

  Ava smiled. "I feel better. I'm sorry for the way I acted before. I—"

  "Ava, please don't apologize for anything. We've all had to deal in our own way. You had it the worst and it's okay. You look better now. That's all that matters," Markus said with conviction. "How was the farm? How's Austin? He was always a nice guy. Real down to earth like Jimmy. Not sure I want to know how Zane was. He was nice to you, wasn’t he?"

  Ava tried to smile, to hide away her pain. "It was great. It was the best medicine I could've asked for. It's peaceful there. We had a few rough patches, but I think it helped all three of us. Austin is good. Zane was a gentleman as well."

  She grabbed the beer from Markus to escape the unhappy thoughts running around. She shoved the beer in the fridge as her mind tried to forget Zane's handsome face. She pulled three out and walked back over to them, handing them each a beer.

  "We thought we'd put on the Yankees game," Markus said with a grin.

  "I like that idea," Ava said.

  Ashley suddenly turned to Markus with a sweet smile and her bright blue eyes shining with mischief. "Honey, can you run down to the corner store and grab some chips? We forgot those. I'm sure Ava doesn't have any snacks yet."

  Markus looked confused. "Really? Do I have to?"

  Ashley raised an eyebrow. "Yes."

  Markus sighed, handed his beer to her, and headed for the door. "I'll be back."

  Ava smirked at the display and headed for the couch. Ashley followed her. "Spit it out, girl. What's the matter? And I don't think it's Jimmy this time."

  Ava took a deep breath as Ashley's concerned look washed over her and spilled her guts on everything. Ashley listened to her despair and heartache. When Ava finished, Ashley looked at her confused. "Did you tell him how you feel? Why did you leave if that's where you want to be? I can hear it in your voice you'd rather be there."

  A few tears fell. "No, I didn't tell him, but he didn't say anything either and I didn't want to look dumb. I didn't want to overstay my welcome there."

  "The Ava I knew would've gotten in his face until he told her how he felt, not walked away without even trying. Your body may have been injured, but your mind is still intact. Be that Ava again. Go back to him and find out how he truly feels and don't leave until he tells you."

  "I can't. I'm scared."

  "Yeah, love is scary. I'm scared sometimes and I'm married. You know we're trying to have a baby. Or at least talking about it. Markus is scared, but I didn’t know that or why until I asked him. I just threw him subtle hints on my feelings, hoping he'd figure it out what I wanted, and when he didn't I got angry."

  Ava looked surprised. "You want kids?"

  "Yeah, don't we all.
I'm not getting any younger here. Nor is life predictable. When I finally got the courage to confront him about ignoring my subtle hints on having a baby, he was shocked. He had no clue what I was trying to tell him, and then he shocked me by saying he was scared. He said losing Jimmy had been hard and he didn't think he could have kids. He didn't want to suddenly not walk through the door and leave me and a baby by ourselves." Ashley grabbed Ava's hand. "We all struggled with his death in our own way. Markus is now scared what happened to Jimmy could happen to him. I told him that it's possible, but I'm not willing to risk waiting around for it to happen. I want kids. I want to live my life. He's slowly coming around to the idea. It has taken some persuading on my part, but at least I talked with him about it. You never did with Zane. I think you should."

  Ava squeezed her hand and smiled tentatively. "Maybe I will. I guess I'm like Markus and have to build my courage up a little. He is Jimmy's brother and I have a hard time with that as well. It doesn't seem right, you know."

  Ashley shook her head. "No, I don't know. How do you think Jimmy would feel? What would he say if he was here right now and knew you loved his brother?"

  Ava laughed lightly. "I think he'd say we would make a great couple. He said that same thing to me actually the last—" Ava blew a breath out. "The last day he was alive, right before he left my office."

  Ashley smiled. "Well, there you go then. He'd be happy for both of you. Yet sad you would be leaving New York because I can't imagine Zane moving here. Are you willing to leave all of this behind for that man?"

  "Isn't that what love is? Willing to do things you normally wouldn't."

  "Yes, it is. The question is how much do you love him? I imagine if Jimmy is looking down on you, he's wondering himself. Wondering why you're not being aggressive like you normally are and fighting for what you want. I can see you want Zane. Quit sitting around like a child and start acting like a woman."

  Ava smiled brightly. "This is why I love you, Ashley, saying it straight to my face. Maybe I will fight tomorrow, but I've run out of energy today. I have a little left for the baseball game, though."

  "Alright, I've said all I will for now."

  Ava let go of her hand and walked over to the remote still sitting in its original spot on the TV stand. She snatched it in earnest, finally winning the war against it and plopped back down on the couch. She turned on the TV, switching through the channels trying to find the game when Markus came back through the door.

  "Are you women done talking girl talk? I even went farther down the block to give you more time to talk," Markus said as he threw the bags of chips he bought on the coffee table. He sat down next to Ashley and pulled her into his arms.

  She smiled at him. "How did you know we wanted to talk girl talk? We did need chips, you know."

  "I'm a detective, honey. It's my job to know things," Markus said with a grin. "Who are we playing tonight, Ava?"

  Ava groaned. "The Dodgers." She glanced at Markus. "It's not a party without Mahone here when they're playing the Dodgers."

  Markus laughed. "Good thing I already knew who they were playing then. I called him. He's on his way."

  Ava grinned just as a knock sounded on the door. "Come in, Mahone."

  The door busted open. "The party can start because the main event has arrived," Mahone said in a cheery tone.

  He walked to the fridge, threw in the beer he brought over, grabbed one for himself, and scooted Ava over as he plopped down next to her.

  "Looking good, Ava. Better than before," he said seriously.

  "Feeling better, Mahone. Good to see your ugly face again."

  "Yeah, are you going to be saying that later tonight when my Dodgers cream the Yankees all over the field?" he cracked.

  "I think, even then. I missed all of you," Ava said sincerely. "Doesn't mean I'm going to hold back and not dish out how horrible the Dodgers suck and the Yankees rule."

  Mahone grabbed Ava around the shoulders and squeezed her affectionately. "Ah, Ava, I missed you. Game on, darling."

  They all laughed together as the crowd on the TV started roaring in disgust. "Way to go, Dodgers. Already hitting a home run on the first hit," Mahone yelled in delight.

  Ava groaned. "Don't speak too soon, Mahone, the game just started."

  Markus laughed. "Where are we watching the game tomorrow? I think they're playing the Twins. Be a good tribute to Jimmy."

  Ava smiled softly. "Well, I think O'Hares would be good. In memory of him. I still miss him every day."

  "We all do, Ava. We all do," Mahone said quietly. He lifted his beer in front of them. "To Jimmy."

  They all raised their bottles to his and clinked together. "To Jimmy!"

  Chapter 13

  Austin made his way to the rear of the barn where they housed the goats until the new red barn was built. The goats settled into their new home with ease. He couldn't find Zane anywhere. Although, noticed over the past week since Ava had been gone that he tended to wander near the goats more so than he usually did.

  They managed to build the frame already. He was surprised they got so far, but then sighed deeply. Maybe he shouldn't be surprised. Zane was consumed with nothing but work. It was getting bad. He worked from sun up to sundown. At times, not returning to the house until late at night where he fell into bed without a bite to eat. Austin already had to yell at him for working so late. He was going to injure himself, but he refused to listen. Austin was at the end of his rope, he didn't know what else to do. This new plan had to work.

  As he neared the goat pen, he heard Zane say, "You know what I mean, Gerta. I just—" Zane whipped his head around when he heard Austin, stumbling up quickly from the bucket. "What are you doing sneaking up on me?"

  Austin grinned. "I wasn't sneaking. Not my fault you're tense about anything and everything. Were you just talking to Gerta?"

  Zane scowled. "No."

  "Really? Because I swear I heard you just say to her 'you know what I mean, Gerta'," Austin said mimicking Zane's voice.

  Zane deepened his scowl. "Do you have a point? Can I help you with something?"

  "Yeah, how about you get your head out of your ass and go get Ava back already," Austin snapped. He pointed at Gerta. "You're talking to a damn goat. Don't even try to deny it. I heard you. It's not the first time I heard you talking to the animals. How about you try talking to your own brother?"

  Zane dropped his scowl and frowned. "What do you want me to say to you?"

  "I want you to tell me what's going on in that head of yours. You're working so much you're going to kill yourself. Don't make me remind you I already lost one brother. I'm not looking to lose another so damn soon."

  Zane sighed. "I haven't been that bad."

  "Don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself. You've been bad. You know why. Go to New York and get her back."

  Zane kicked his boot at a piece of hay, looking away from Austin. "I can't. I can't go back there. She probably wouldn't leave, just like Jimmy wouldn't."

  "She's not Jimmy, you know."

  "Yeah, she's different. She grew up there. She loves New York. She loves her home. You think she's going to leave all that, for this." Zane whipped his arms open and gestured around him.

  "You don't know if you don't try. Let me remind you, you didn’t even tell her how you felt. You just let her leave. You owe it to her…no…you owe it to yourself to at least tell her how you feel. If she rejects you, which I highly doubt, then come back home and wallow in self-pity like you're doing now and I'll leave you to it." Austin stepped closer to Zane. "You need to do this. I guarantee the minute she sees you she'll know how you feel about her. She knows how you feel about New York and how you'll never go there. Show her she's worth the risk of that kind of trip."

  Zane took a deep breath, a tear glistening in the corner of his eye. "I'm scared, Austin. I've never felt this way about a woman and I'm afraid she won't want me. She could've stayed here, but she chose to leave."

  "You didn't ask her to st
ay. Why would she?"

  "I know you asked her to stay and she still didn't," Zane whispered. "I've heard you talk to her within the past week on the phone. I haven't talked to her once. She hasn't called me or asked for me. What does that say?"

  "It says she's just as scared about her feelings for you that you are for her. She didn't stay when I asked because I wasn't the man she wanted to ask her to stay. Trust me, Zane. You may think I'm a loose cannon when it comes to women, but I understand them more than you do. I always saw the way she looked at you when she was here. Stars in her eyes, man."

  Austin stepped closer to Zane, laying a hand on his shoulder. "I won't make you do this alone. I'll come with you. She belongs in this family. She is family. Tell her you love her. I think Jimmy would approve."

  "It's funny you say that. I can remember how long ago—before our argument—he said she'd be the perfect woman for me. Can you believe that?" Zane said sadly.

  "I can believe that. Jimmy was the smartest of all three of us. He knew what he was talking about. He'd be mad knowing you're not making her happy. I have talked to her this past week and I'm telling you, you may think she's happy, but she isn't. I can hear it in her voice. Let's go to New York."

  Zane stood there looking at Austin, then inhaled deeply and nodded once. "Okay. I'll go to New York. You'll come with me? I don't think I can do it alone."

  Austin smiled deeply. "I'll come with you. We can do this together. It’s been a week too long for this." Austin grabbed Zane in for a hug. "You're doing the right thing. You're finally being smart for once."

  Austin stepped back from Zane still grinning wide.

  "If you call me dumb again," Zane muttered.

  "I didn't call you dumb. I said you were finally smart for once." He started to walk away and gestured for Zane to follow. "Come on. We only have three and a half hours until our flight leaves. I'd hate to miss it."

  Zane scrunched his face in confusion. "What do you mean our flight?"