Long Way Home

by Vaughn, Ann

  She felt completely drained and empty. Shell-shocked. She’d woken last night in a drugged haze to see Shane sitting by her bedside, asleep with his head resting on her bed. When she touched his hair and he lifted his head, she could see the silvery tracks of tears on his cheeks and it nearly killed her. Shane McCanton was not a crier.

  It was early morning now and she knew Shane was still beside her though she had yet to open her eyes. She could feel the warmth and energy his presence created in the room. A nurse had come in not too long ago and announced that the doctor would be in shortly on his rounds. She wanted to be awake for that meeting and she didn’t want Shane in the room when she spoke to the doctor. The pain was so intense, however, she was afraid she’d pass out before the doctor came. To try to keep herself awake, she opened her eyes and reached out to Shane.

  “Shane,” she whispered, surprised at the weakness of her voice.

  “Hey,” he said immediately, leaning forward and gently stroking her hair, “there’s my girl.”

  “What time is it?” she asked.

  “Little after six. Do you need anything?”

  “Are Nathaniel and Paul in custody?”

  “Paul is. Nathaniel is in protective custody here at the hospital.”

  A sharp jolt of fear shot through her before she could stop it. “He’s here? In the same hospital with me?” she asked and watched alarm spread across his face when her machines registered her elevated heartbeat.

  “He’s cuffed to the bed, there are two cops on his door, two cops outside your door and I’m here. You are safe, baby. He can’t get to you.”

  The door opened and the doctor and a nurse rushed in.

  “Tessa? What’s going on?” the doctor asked, pressing his stethoscope to her chest.

  Her eyes left Shane and met the doctor’s gaze. “I need to speak with you...privately.”

  “Of course,” he replied.

  “Sergeant McCanton, could you step outside a moment?” the nurse asked.

  “Yeah, OK,” he said, standing. “I’ll be right outside, Tess, OK?”

  She nodded but didn’t speak. He leaned down to kiss her brow but stopped when she couldn’t stop the cringe his nearness produced. He flinched but offered her a sad smile as he pulled away from her and walked out. Tessa waited for the door to close, then met the doctor’s direct gaze.

  “What are my injuries?” She listened quietly as he listed them out matter-of-factly. “I know I was raped and I certainly know it was brutal. Prior to that, I was just beginning to suspect that I might be pregnant.”

  The doctor was quiet a moment and she felt a squeeze to her heart. This was the elephant in the room. The thing no one wanted to tell her.

  “The assaults caused tears in the uterine wall, which, unfortunately, led to a miscarriage,” he said directly.

  She sucked in a deep breath, released it slowly. “So I was pregnant.” It was a statement rather than a question.

  “Approximately six weeks.”

  She closed her eyes and fought the tears that were gathering. “Does anyone else know of this?”

  “Your mother, your supervisor and your fiancé.”

  “Oh, God,” she cried softly.

  “I’m sorry, Tessa. Even if I hadn’t told him, being law enforcement, he would have discovered this in the reports.”

  “I know,” she whispered, then shook herself. “Anything else?”

  “There was significant damage to your uterus. We repaired two large tears that, combined with previous scarring, I’m afraid may make carrying a pregnancy to term impossible.”

  She looked up at him through her tears. “Are you saying I won’t ever be able to have children?”

  “I’m not a specialist, but what I am saying is that carrying a child to term may prove difficult.”

  She was unable to stop her tears from falling and reached up to swipe at them angrily. She’d lost Shane’s baby. How could he ever forgive her?

  “I’m going to have Linda give you more pain medication.”

  “Can we hold off for an hour or so? I need to talk to a few people and I need my wits about me to make it through these conversations.”

  “Are you sure? I know your pain must be off the charts.”

  “It is...but I need to do this.”

  “OK. Linda will come back in an hour, all right?”

  “Sure thing, doc. Thank you.”

  When they left, she had just a moment to collect her thoughts and take a deep breath before Shane, her mother and Gib walked in.

  “Hi, Sweetie,” her mother said, kissing her brow.

  “Hi, Mama, Gib,” she replied, her voice sounding tired even to her own ears.

  Shane leaned down to kiss her but she again shied away from him. She watched the alarm spread across his face from the corner of her eye. She hated what she was about to do but for his own good, she knew she needed to let him go; he deserved a chance to have children of his own.

  “Are you hurting?” her mother asked.

  “All over. There’s nowhere that doesn’t hurt.”

  “You should have more pain medication,” Gib said.

  “The nurse is coming back in a bit,” she offered.

  “I’ll go see what’s taking so long,” Shane said, turning to the door.

  “That’s fine. And go on home once you do,” she said coolly.

  “What?” he asked over his shoulder.

  “Go home, Shane. I don’t want you here.”

  “Tessa!” her mother gasped.

  Shane turned back to her, confusion marring his brow. “What’s going on, Tess?”

  “You left me,” she bit out. “You left me alone with those monsters when I needed you.”

  “Tess, I...my dad...”

  “You left me!” she yelled. “You were gone for weeks and they raped me!”

  “Tessa Nicole!” Mary gasped. “That was not Shane’s fault and you know it!”

  “He said he would never leave me but he did and they hurt me.”

  “Tessa, I...”

  “Go!!! Get away from me! You make me sick! It’s your fault! It’s all your fault, Shane McCanton!!!”

  He stumbled back a step as if she’d struck him, his face pale, and as she regarded him, she felt a huge part of her die inside. Tears stung her eyes but she knew she had to finish this. She loved him and knew he deserved better than to be stuck with her.

  “Get out and don’t come back. Ever!!”

  “Tessa!” Mary cried.

  “GO!!!!!” she screamed.

  Shane walked backward to the door then with one final, shell-shocked look to her, he was gone. She grabbed her stomach and tried to breathe through her tears but it was like all the air in the room left with Shane. Nurses came running in and cleared her mother and a stunned Gib from the room. Tessa caught sight of Shane sitting on the floor across from her door just before the sedative the nurse injected into her IV knocked her out.

  Over the next days and weeks, Tessa refused any contact from Shane. She refused his calls. She returned his engagement ring via Gib. She stuck to her story of blaming him to her mother, but in a moment of weakness, confessed the real reason to Gib.

  “Don’t you think that was Shane’s decision to make?” he asked her. She hadn’t wanted to go back to Indian Springs upon her release, so Gib offered to let her stay at his beach house in Cabo San Lucas for as long as she needed, where they were now, along with her mother. One good thing had come from her ordeal - Gib and her mother had fallen for each other. They were inseparable now. Tessa was thrilled. Her mother deserved to be happy and it was obvious that Gib was head over heels for Mary Kelly.

  “He would have stayed with me, Gib, I know that...but it wouldn’t have been fair to him. The McCanton’s are one of the ruling families of our hometown. He’s his father’s only son and he has no male cousins. The McCanton line could end with him. How could I let him risk that?”

  “You could be perfectly healthy and only have girls.
You aren’t being fair to him, Tess,” he said bluntly, “and you aren’t being fair to yourself.”

  She looked out over the bright blue water and shook her head.

  “I didn’t want to take that chance. You’ve been around me. I can’t stand to have anyone touch me other than you and Mama.”

  “It’s only been three months. You can’t expect to come out of a trauma like that without some adverse effects. You have to give yourself time.”

  “I know. I’m so screwed up, I just don’t think it would be fair to ask anyone to deal with that.”

  He fell silent for a while and they sat listening to the waves. They could hear Mary in the kitchen preparing dinner, and Tessa knew her time to talk freely with Gib was running out.

  “Please don’t say anything to Mama about this. She loves Shane and she would be all over me to go back to him.”

  “He’s back in Indian Springs now, you know. The town council wants him to take over for his dad permanently. He’s considering it.”

  Tessa sighed and shook her head. “That would be a waste of his talents.”

  “And what you’re doing now isn’t a waste of yours?” he asked pointedly.

  “Maybe...but I can’t go back to that life, Gib. You know. You retired because of all this.”

  He offered a soft smile. “Well, that was part of the reason...not all.”

  At that, Tessa smiled, too. “Have I told you how happy I am for you both?”

  “A few times,” he chuckled.

  “Well, I am. You both deserve to be happy.”

  “As do you, kid. Don’t forget that.”

  “I’m happy that the two people I love the most are happy. That is enough for me.”

  “For now,” he supplied.

  Her eyes turned back to the ocean and she let out a deep sigh.

  “For now,” she confirmed.

  Her mother and Gib soon went back to Indian Springs. Tessa stayed. She took a job as a bartender on day shifts at a beach bar. It was mindless work that kept her busy and prevented her from thinking too much about anything else but the next drink order. She’d resorted back to her Army days of evading men’s attention, and other than the hours she was at work, she kept primarily to herself.

  Months went by, each one melting into the next. Tessa barely even noticed. Her mother and Gib came to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. Every time, Mary would mention Shane, and every time, Tessa would change the subject or walk away.

  Nightmares plagued her and it was when they were visiting at Christmas that Mary and Gib learned how bad they’d become. On Christmas Eve, Mary and Gib were jolted awake by a blood-chilling scream. They flew to Tessa’s room to find her writhing on the bed, sobbing and calling for Shane. Mary climbed onto the bed and pulled her sobbing daughter into her arms, desperate to calm her.

  “This has got to stop,” Mary told Gib while she rocked Tessa in her arms. “Tessa has always been strong. This isn’t her.”

  “Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Tessa said, her voice raw from her screams.

  “Then stop acting like you aren’t part of the world,” Mary snapped back at her.

  “Mama, please, I don’t need a lecture right now.”

  “Well, too bad, because the “Oh Poor Tessa Party” has gone on long enough. It’s time you came home and joined the rest of the world again.”

  “I am home. I have a job. My life is here. Not in Indian Springs.”

  “You have an existence here, not a life, and you only have that because Glen has let rentals pass. This was meant to be temporary, Tessa. It’s time to come home.”

  “I’ll pay rent to Gib. I won’t go back to Indian Springs.”

  “Do you think you are the only one suffering? All those horrors were done to you but it affected someone else, too, Tessa. And he is just as lost without you as you are without him.”

  “I don’t want to hear about him, Mama.”

  “Too bad because it’s time you should. Shane is just as much a walking corpse right now as you. He has lost a lot of weight. He rarely smiles. He’s all about his job now...Sinclair County Sheriff now that Luke has retired. You did that to him, Tessa. He loved you so much and you just threw it in his face.”

  “Mary,” Gib cautioned but she ignored him.

  “He begged you not to take that assignment. You just had to prove you had bigger balls than the boys, didn’t you?”

  “Stop it, Mama,” Tessa snapped.

  “No, I won’t stop! You made that boy’s life miserable from the day you met him and then when you finally got him, you used him up and broke him. His father almost died! Luke...well, it was bad for a while. How could he leave? Everything was running slow on your end. He isn’t psychic. He couldn’t know things would go the way they did for you. No one could. How could you blame him? When that doctor came out of the operating room and told us what had been done to you, what had happened to you, Shane was devastated. I know. I held him in my arms when his legs gave out and he cried on the floor of the waiting room. He loves you so much and you just threw it away.”

  “I had to let him go, Mama, don’t you see? They broke me. I’m so messed up; he doesn’t deserve to be stuck picking up my pieces, his chance for a family of his own down the drain. He deserves to see his eyes reflected in a child of his own. I can’t give him that.”

  Mary cupped Tessa’s face in her hands, shaking her head. “Oh, honey...what a messed up mind you have. You think by giving him up you’ve done either one of you any favors? You’re both miserable. You need to come home. You need to face him.”

  “I can’t, Mama,” Tessa whispered. “I can’t. I can’t see what he’s become because of me. I can’t.”

  Mary let it drop then, but not all together. She knew that Tessa and Shane belonged together and she knew she had to figure out a way to make that happen. It wasn’t until the spring hit that something drastic enough happened that spurred her into action. Three something’s, really. First, Gib asked her to marry him. Second, the trial of Nathaniel and Paul Helton was approaching. Third, and most important, Shane McCanton began dating again.

  Part Three

  Chapter Fifteen

  Shane knew he shouldn’t have been surprised at how fast he was sucked back into the routine of his hometown. He came home lost. Reeling. He fell into the work of his dad’s job, tying up loose ends for him. His dad’s recovery hadn’t gone as well as they hoped and Luke McCanton made the difficult decision to retire. Once his retirement was accepted, it took the town council all of two seconds to ask Shane to step in to his father’s position, and, seeing as how he had no reason to return to Austin, it took Shane all of two seconds more to say yes. It also didn’t take him long to realize that as much as he loved his folks, he was not going to be staying with them longer than he had to. He quickly found an apartment to rent and began construction on his new home...by the waterfall on his family land, just as he always planned.

  He tried not to think too much of the fact that many of the features he was adding to his home were from the Dream List he and Tessa made that night on the blanket. He tried not to think much about Tessa at all, though that was pretty much a moot point; he thought about her all the time.

  The first few days after she threw him out of her room, he kept going to the hospital, hoping she would relent. When she didn’t, he went home, picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and for the first time in his life, drank himself into oblivion. He wasn’t proud of it, and really hated that Crownover had come and picked his sorry butt off the floor where he’d collapsed. He swore that was the last time he’d ever turn to the bottle to ease his pain. It had helped, but only temporarily, and then he’d felt worse.

  After Tessa was released from the hospital, Gib came to see him and updated him on her condition, and told him they were flying her to his beach house in Cabo San Lucas for her recovery...and then with a look of apology, Gib handed him Tessa’s engagement ring.

  Shane packed up that night a
nd went home to Indian Springs. Aside from his father, his family had no idea he and Tessa had begun dating again, much less that they’d been engaged. So, as devastated as he was, there was no one at home he could share why with, because he wasn’t going to unload on his dad or do anything to risk his recovery. Of course, they knew something was up with him. He was a shell of his former self. He had very little appetite so he was losing weight, but at the same time toning up because he found a long, vigorous run numbed his mind better than alcohol and a strenuous workout was even better, so when he wasn’t working or running or working on his new house, he was in the gym.

  The only relief he found was when his childhood best friend, Steve Sinclair’s younger sister, Ivy, moved back to town. Ivy was four years younger than him and Steve and madly in love with Steve’s college best friend, who was a football player for the Dallas Cowboys. The first Sunday she was back in town, she followed him out of church, offering him a smile.

  “Hey, Shane.” He stopped and regarded her, smiling as he noted that his friend’s sister had grown up.

  “Hey, Baby Girl,” he greeted, embracing her. “When did you get into town?”

  “Wednesday. Home to stay,” she told him, kissing his cheek before she pulled back. “What’s wrong, honey? You look so sad. What’s happened?”

  He took a deep breath and looked over her head, watching everyone file out and into the parking lot.

  “It’s...a really long story.”

  “Well...I’ve got time. Wanna tell me about it?”

  For a moment he hesitated, then decided he needed to talk to someone about it.

  “Wanna come check out my new place? Just moved in last weekend.”

  “Love to,” she smiled.

  Over beer and pizza, Shane spilled the whole agonizing tale.

  “So that’s it. She couldn’t even stand for me to touch her, not that I blame her. I stay in touch with her mother. Tess is in Cabo San Lucas staying at her former boss’ house and working as a bartender.”