Falling

by Jolene Perry

  “Oh, she’s good.” I laugh.

  “Justine. Do not get on that plane. I’m done in Anchorage. I’m headed back out. There will be no one here to pick you up. Do you understand me? No one will be here to get you.” If I’m not convinced next to him, no way Justine is.

  “Excuse me, Ma’am?” she asks someone on her end. “Could you please tell my brother where I am?”

  “You’re in 21 C,” the woman answers.

  “Thank you so much.”

  I’m laughing quietly in the passenger’s seat. This is definitely something I would pull.

  “Justine. Get off the plane.” Jason’s voice has dropped, but he won’t follow through.

  “They don’t let you do that anymore, silly.” I can tell she’s trying not to laugh. “Not since 9/11. You can blame those guys, not me.”

  “That was me at seventeen,” I say. “Well, that was me a year ago.”

  Jason shakes his head is resignation, but at the same time a small smile is pulling at the corners of his mouth.

  “Love you, Jase! I’ll see you in a little over an hour.” And then she hangs up.

  Jason throws his phone into the cup holder. “Shit.”

  I let myself laugh. “Guess we can take our time at my house, huh?”

  “Guess we can.” Jason sighs, but again, I don’t think he’s mad.

  My house is done. Perfect. Everything up the way I wanted and picked out the way I wanted done. It looks sterile right now. Clean, and without character except the modern character I put into the fixtures, and flooring, and sparse cream furnishings. Jason and I stand in the middle of the living room, and it’s not… Just not what I expected.

  “You miss being here?” Jason asks.

  “Not really.” It’s so strange. Before ending up at the lodge, I used this house as my draw to stay, but it no longer feels that way. “I thought I would.” I open my mouth to tell him about how I don’t feel attached to the place anymore, even though I picked all this out. I set up the new layout, and the new trimmings. I looked forward to coming home to this house every day after work, and now I don’t remember why. But it’s all too deep, hitting me in places that are swirling in confusion right now. “It turned out pretty great, huh? I should probably sell it.”

  “And do what?” Jason asks.

  I turn and face him, realizing how very deep I’m in with him. Right now I want him to tell me that a relationship with no strings is no kind of relationship. That he wants me here, even though it’s the most illogical thing I can imagine. Even though I don’t think I can tell my dad no, and I might not even want to.

  My heart swells at the way he’s looking at me, and instead of walking away, I step into his arms. He’s still for the briefest moment and then slides his hands around the lowest part of my waist. Instead of leaning up for a kiss, I rest my head on his shoulder. So much hovers between us, even though we’re pressed together. We’ve set ourselves up for failure with one another, and I hate how that feels.

  “I don’t know what this is anymore.” I back away from him and move toward the door, keeping my eyes anywhere but on him.

  “It’s okay, Dana. I knew you weren’t staying. I promise you there will be no hard feelings on this end.”

  His words sort of stun me. I really was arrogant enough to think that Jason felt more for me than that. That part of him wanted more, even though he didn’t say it. But now… He sounds so sure of himself. That’s all this is. Hooking up for convenience sake.

  And the thing is, that’s all I wanted. I wouldn’t have touched him if it weren’t for that arrangement, so why does it feel so callous now?

  “So yeah,” I say as I lock the door, keeping my eyes firmly on the keys. “I should sell it and move on.”

  I wait for Jason to offer for me to finish up the year with him. Go to Hawaii with him, but he’s silent as we walk back toward his truck.

  My eyes fill with hot tears, and I want to slap myself for wanting something that I know right now I can’t have. I’m feeling strange being at my house, that’s all.

  “When we get to the airport, you get out. Justine can ride the hump in the middle of the bench seat on the way back.” Jason starts up the truck. “She probably just got mad at Mom and Dad and is going to try and hide out here. I really hate that.”

  He doesn’t want me to sit next to him. I’m not sure what to think about anything from today. I don’t want to be weak. Don’t want to sound weak, but I have to ask. “Is it okay that I’m still at the lodge?”

  Jason pulls to the side of the neighborhood street, and touches his fingers to my chin. “Of course, it’s okay.”

  And a few moments ago I wanted something more from him, and now that I’m getting it, it scares me again. I’ve got some serious damage. I manage to squeak out a “thanks.”

  He looks conflicted for a moment, but drops his hand. “You’ll love Justine.”

  I sort of do already.

  JASON

  None of This is Working Out. At All.

  When we stop at the airport, I motion for Dana to get out. As much as I’d love to have her leg pressed against mine during the drive, it’s a hard place to sit for that many hours. I don’t move when Dana gets out. Justine doesn’t need to know I’m happy to see her. Dana opens the door of the truck and steps into the cold.

  “Hi!” Justine looks like this is the most normal thing in the world and we’d all planned to meet together like this in Anchorage and oh my gosh isn’t this the most fun thing ever? Justine and I look the most alike—though she has lighter hair and pale little freckles we all tease her about.

  “You must be Dana!” She throws her arms around Dana. Dana looks a little bewildered but laughs as Justine lets her go. “I’m glad somebody is around to make him crazy when I can’t.”

  Justine flashes me a smile as she climbs in and kisses me on the cheek. Dana is smiling as she looks back and forth between us. Yep, my first thought was right. They’re going to get along great and torture me together—just in very different ways. I wonder again how we’re going to work sleeping arrangements. I really want Dana with me. Justine can take back her purple Twilight room.

  “Your hair!” Justine is beaming again. She looks at Dana. “I’m assuming this is because of you so thank you.” Then she turns back to me.

  “Thanks, bro.” Justine smiles again as I put the truck into gear and pull out.

  I nod in response.

  “See? I’m not even going to complain about riding the hump all the way back.” She smiles widely again. “Can we hit Taco Bell on the way out of town? I’m starving.”

  “No, no no! You should have eaten before you came!” I’m exasperated. We have a truck full of stuff, and we’re already hours behind when I thought we’d be leaving town.

  Dana’s eyes are on me, and it reminds me again of how much I like her. I smile and Dana smiles softly back at me. Now I really wish I had her next to me. I want her tucked underneath my arm, her head resting on my shoulder. I’m in so much trouble.

  She looked like she was going to hyperventilate at her house, and all I could think of was to reassure her that I know she’s not ready to have a real relationship, and I’m okay with that. That I can do the no-strings thing I know she needs, even though I’m way past feeling that little.

  I look back to the road, still feeling confused.

  “We’re not going to make it back until close to midnight. It’s already dark, and I’ll either be taking loads in all night or both of you will be awake with me bright and early in the morning to haul all this stuff in,” I grumble.

  “Yes, sir.” Justine gives me a mock salute and giggles. “Seriously, Jase, what is all that stuff?”

  “I got new lights,” Dana says.

  “Finally!” Justine dramatically puts her hand to her chest. “I’ve been begging him to do that forever.”

  “And he doesn’t know it yet but I also got a few more games for the Wii I snuck in. It’s so boring during the week.”


  “What?” I say at the same time my sister says, “Awesome!”

  I shake my head. “Un-freakin’-believeable.” But just like when I’m annoyed at Justine, I’m not really annoyed.

  Justine and Dana grin at each other again, making me realize that any decisions to be made are going to be two on one, unless I just go along with them. I pull through the Taco Bell drive thru, and we order almost thirty bucks worth of Taco Bell and Mountain Dew—not an easy feat.

  Justine goes on and on about her friends in Juneau and the people she misses in Palmer. She talks about me and how I was in high school. She talks about my ‘snobby’ college friends and my stupid, horrible ex-wife. I have given up on having any control over the direction of the conversation and let the girls talk and giggle for the nearly three hours to the far parking lot.

  Boz, the great friend that he is, meets us with a snowmachine and two large trailers. Between that and the Sno-Trac, which is like a big Jeep on track wheels, we barely cram everything in, but we make it. The Sno-Trac is a much slower ride to the lodge than the machines, but we’ll only have to do it once. Fortunately the thing is so loud it makes it difficult for Dana and Justine to talk. They’re suddenly silent. This is good because the chances of me hearing what they say to one another isn’t great in this thing, and I definitely need to know what’s being said between the two girls.

  Now I Have Two Spoiled Girls to Worry About – And the Wrong One is in my Room

  “So, when someone uses your sister’s room, she just sleeps with you, right?” Dana asks quietly as we step inside the lodge. She doesn’t let any hint of what she’s thinking slip out.

  “Um…yeah.” I nod. Then I swallow. I don’t want this to work out that way. “But—”

  “All right, well I’m off to bed.” Her voice is too loud. “It was nice to meet you, Justine.” She smiles at my little sister and heads up the stairs. I stand at the bottom of the stairs like an idiot watching her go. Shit.

  My shoulders slump. “I’m wiped.” And irritated and definitely not getting laid tonight.

  “Me too.” Justine follows me to my apartment with her pack.

  “You get the couch.” I point once we step inside.

  “But your bed is huge!” she protests.

  “You called me, remember? If we’re not having sex, you don’t get to sleep in my bed. That’s Jason’s rule.” I head for the bathroom.

  “So, does Dana get to sleep there?” she sings behind me.

  “Mind your own business.” I brush my teeth and flop into bed. This is not at all how I wanted to spend my night.

  “Why are you here, Justine?” I ask as she turns out the light.

  She sighs. “I just needed away for a while.”

  And I have this realization that Justine does the same thing as Dana. There’s the “real” Justine, like now, and then there’s the “public” Justine that nothing bothers.

  I still don’t know what to do with either of them—the Justines or the Danas.

  “Mom and Dad know where you are.” Really, I should have called Mom as soon as Justine called me.

  “Yeah and I even sent them a text to tell them I landed safely. We both know your phone would be ringing if I didn’t.” She sounds so smug.

  “What happened?” Something set her off. She would have planned a visit otherwise.

  “Just arguments with friends and sometimes I need space.” She’s trying too hard.

  “Fine,” I say. “Let me know when you’re actually ready to tell me.”

  “Night, Jason.”

  “Night, Justine.”

  “Thank you.”

  “You owe me.” But we both know it doesn’t matter.

  It doesn’t take Justine long to nod off, despite her earlier protests about sleeping on the couch. I sigh. Wait, a smile starts to spread across my face. I can just sneak up the stairs and see if Dana’s still awake. I slide out from underneath the covers and walk slowly and carefully out of my apartment. My body tenses with anticipation as I get closer, but when I open her door Dana’s already asleep.

  The tension drops out of me, and is replaced with something a lot warmer. I lean against the doorframe for a moment, wishing I could crawl in with her, that I could pull her close to me and fall asleep. That she’d want me that way too.

  I want the impossible. What the hell am I doing? Cass nearly destroyed me, and I’m wanting another girl who will do the same thing.

  For a few more moments I stand there. I don’t like perfume, and I don’t know that Dana wears it. I do know I love the smell of her, of whatever it is she puts on her body. I breathe in until I realize that I’m acting like some crazy stalker and that if Boz were here he’d smack me in the back of the head. I need to be smacked on the back of my head. I turn and walk quietly down the stairs, mad at myself and even more annoyed at the little sister that has disrupted my fun.

  I call Mom in the morning as I start coffee.

  “Jason?” Like she always answers.

  “Yep.”

  “Did Justine get settled in?”

  “Oh yeah. She’s fine.” It’s me who’s a little disgruntled over the situation.

  “Did she sleep okay?” Mom’s voice has that worried tinge that always puts me on edge.

  “Fine. What’s going on?” Justine certainly hasn’t been very forthcoming.

  “She didn’t tell you?”

  “She told me she needed to get away for a while.”

  “Oh,” Mom says. “Well, she started dating Trevor almost as soon as she got here and they split up. She was a mess and begged us to let her go visit you. I thought she’d called.”

  “Oh, she did call. She called me and just happened to catch me in Anchorage.”

  “Sorry, Jason. Next time I’ll make sure we’re in touch. Justine made it sound like everything was set up. It’s her spring break next week, so she isn’t missing much school, and… I guess I just assumed you two had talked.”

  I sigh into the phone.

  “So, how are things going up there?” Mom knows something’s up. We’ve spoken a few times since Dana’s arrival.

  “I have absolutely no idea.”

  “All right.” She waits for me to say more, but I don’t even know how to start. “Well, thanks again for being such a good big brother. It means a lot.”

  “Bye, Mom.” I’m ready to head inside and see where I stand with both of them.

  “Love you, son.”

  “Love you, too.”

  If that’s all that’s going on with Justine, why didn’t she just tell me? Something here doesn’t make sense.

  “Your mom?” I hear Dana behind me.

  I spin around to face her. “Yeah.”

  “She sounds nice.” Dana’s wide eyes are penetrating.

  “My parents are pretty great.” I nod. “I think they’re a little more distracted now than they were when I was growing up. It’s why Justine ends up out here. Well, and when Cass left I think she came out for my sanity.”

  “And it helped.” Dana smiles a little.

  “It did.”

  I want to ask her what’s going on between us. What maybe could go on between us. I want to slide my arms around her waist and breathe her in. Unfortunately, I think about it for too long and Justine appears.

  “So. What are we all doing today?” She smiles brightly.

  I’m reminded that Justine and I also need to talk. Having two girls here that I only kind of understand isn’t going to be easy.

  The Paranoia is Never-Ending

  I’m nervous about the weekend. I’m worried Dana is going to come downstairs completely inappropriate and Justine will follow. In the two days since Justine arrived, she and Dana have been pretty close. I have to admit that it’s probably nice for Justine to have a girl out here, but I am a little nervous that the other girl is Dana.

  The other thing that sucks is Dana has given no hint at anything happening between us in the near future at all. No flirtatious look
s. No touching. I find her looking at me once in a while, but it’s filled with confusion, which doesn’t help me any. Wonder if the whole no-strings thing has expired?

  It’s early on Friday morning, and I’m doing food prep before the kitchen gets insane. Dana comes down looking…gorgeous. No abs showing. I exhale in relief and partial wistfulness. I’ll miss watching her smooth strip of skin walk away from me this weekend.

  “Thanks for toning it down a little.” I smile at her as she starts pouring cereal.

  “Justine,” she answers.

  “I know. And thanks.”

  Dana looks lost.

  “I’ve made coffee.”

  “Perfect.” She wanders over and grabs herself a mug.

  “You okay?”

  “Not sleeping well,” she says. “I stayed up too late last night talking with Leann.”

  “She okay?”

  “She’s fine.”

  The way Dana says it makes me realize that they weren’t talking about Leann, they were talking about Dana. Dana has something going on. Something I probably can’t ask her about, and something she probably wouldn’t tell me even if I did. Our eyes catch for a moment, and I open my mouth to ask.

  “Morning,” Justine mumbles as she walks carefully into the kitchen.

  “You look green,” I say.

  “Thanks a lot.” She frowns. “I’m fine. I just need something in my stomach. Or, well…something to eat.”

  “Maybe you need coffee,” I suggest.

  Her eyebrows pull together. “You almost never let me have coffee.”

  “Well, it’s Friday morning, and I need you two girls bright-eyed and bushy-tailed today,” I try to tease.

  Justine gives me a weak smile in return, pours a bowl of cereal, and starts picking at it with her fingers. No milk. It’s weird, and I’m a little worried. I start to turn around and go back to cutting, but I realize that Dana is staring at Justine with an odd look on her face.

  “What’s with everyone today?” I laugh a little.

  “Nothing.” Dana chuckles. “Still dazed. I must need more caffeine.”