Falling

by Jolene Perry

  “Bzzt.” Justine hisses from below me. My heart skips, and I jump. Dana tries not to laugh.

  “Damn it, Justine.” I look down at her.

  “It’s so easy, Jase. I can’t help myself.” She giggles as she watches from a bench.

  “Try.” I want to be mad, but I know if our positions were reversed, I’d probably be worse.

  I catch Dana’s eyes then, and she’s smiling at me. I smile back, and she doesn’t look away. It’s good. And I’m doing it again.

  I need to make Boz hang out here more and smack me when I think this way.

  It takes all afternoon and nearly endless complaints of how long everyone is going without TV and Internet, but it’s worth it.

  We all stand in the living room and look at the dining area—no wagon wheels. Simple fixtures. Good light. So much better.

  “Thank you.” I grab Dana in a half hug and kiss her loudly on the side of her face.

  “You’re welcome.” She nods once and disappears into the kitchen.

  “So, what’s going on with you two?” Justine asks quietly.

  “I have no fu…freaking idea.” I look down.

  “You really like her.” Justine’s words hit me hard, and her smile is mischievously optimistic.

  I really do like Dana. A lot. I knew it already, but hearing it out loud is different. It’s not Boz giving me a hard time. It’s my sister who already adores Dana, hoping for some sort of future. Some sort of impossible future.

  And me kind of hoping for a chance at the same thing.

  DANA

  Fairness has nothing to do with it. I’m being completely selfish.

  The floor’s dropped out from underneath me as Keith’s voice continues in his excited chatter. I’m standing in my favorite corner of the restaurant staring across the snow wishing this wasn’t happening.

  “And that’s how I made partner so early!” He’s out of breath after his excited rant over his big promotion.

  “I thought that wasn’t even a possibility until like a year from now.” I’m trying to sound excited, but the lump in my throat is becoming painful.

  “It wasn’t supposed to be.”

  I swallow hard. “I bet Dad is really proud.”

  And if I thought the pressure was on before, it’s nothing compared to now.

  “Yeah. We’re actually going to head out for a few days together. I mean, Dad never takes time off, so it feels like a big deal.” I can tell by Keith’s voice that he isn’t gloating. He really is excited, and wants me to be excited for him, and probably wants me to come when the thought makes me sick.

  “Where’s he taking you?”

  “Vail.”

  “Wow, that’s great.” I hope I don’t sound as awful as I feel.

  “If you can make it, you know we’d love to have you, sis.”

  “Yeah. Congrats again,” I tell him. “I testify next week unless it gets bumped again. But I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going to happen.”

  “Dana.” Keith’s voice has a tone of honest seriousness in it now. “One call and I’ll come up, okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ll let you know, but I’m fine.”

  We exchange goodbyes, and I set my phone on the table, still staring out at the snow. Just when I half settle in here, and wonder if maybe I could stay in Alaska. And now this. I can’t stay here. I need to get my master’s done, and work for Dad, and… I don’t even know what.

  Something washes through me leaving goose bumps on my skin and heavy despair in my gut.

  “What’s going on with your brother?” Jason’s voice is quiet, and I realize he probably heard my end of the whole thing.

  “He made partner at his firm.” I turn to face him, only it’s a stupid thing to do because the more time I spend around him, the deeper I fall, and the more I realize that not only timing, but geography is off. Both are way off. And despite Jason’s education and training, he’s not running…say a hotel in Vail. He’s here. And I love that about him because it’s so much a part of who he is, but I don’t think I can shed enough vanity to be that person. Not at this point in my life.

  “That’s good, right? Making partner?” Only his head cocks a little to the side as he watches me.

  “No, that’s actually pretty incredible. He works for one of the most prestigious corporate litigation firms in St. Louis. He was one of the first people they’ve hired straight out of law school in something like more than ten years, and he just made partner a year early.” It’s phenomenal.

  “You don’t talk much,” he says. “About your family. I know there’s pressure—”

  “Pressure doesn’t even begin…” I’m not sure how to explain to Jason. “It’s not just my dad and my brother. It’s everyone I grew up around. Dad surrounds himself with people who are unusually successful no matter what field they’re in. You can imagine my trip up here was not looked upon favorably.”

  “But, it’s just a year, right?” Jason does a weird swallow with that, and I’m not sure if I want to know what he’s thinking.

  “A year for me brings me back to ‘normal’ timing, and in my dad’s words—why would you settle, when you can do better? It’s what I’ve been raised with. I graduated from high school a year early, finished an Ivy League education in three years, and I needed out so I came here.” What I don’t say is that I wasn’t good enough for my mom to stay part of our family. I wasn’t good enough for my brother to stick up for, even when his friends were screwing me over—literally. I wasn’t good enough to graduate number one, no matter how hard I tried, and part of me wonders if I’ll be able to break out of this shell of total mediocrity. My dad has always told me I could do anything, and I have this overwhelming need to prove him right.

  “Well, let me just say that I’m glad my brothers aren’t overachievers.” Jason chuckles.

  I give him a small smile, but really just want to be alone.

  “Wanna get out of here and join me on a ride before it gets dark out there?” Jason tilts his head toward outside. “I feel sorta responsible for this serious conversation, and I need to de-stress.”

  “Actually.” I pull in a deep breath. “That would be great.” More moving, less thinking.

  “You lead,” Jason says as we suit up. “Stop when you’re ready to head home, and I’ll lead us back.”

  “If you can find the way.” I narrow my eyes, and I’m actually smiling because it feels like a challenge.

  “I’ve been riding up here since I was a kid. I’ll bring us back when you’re ready.” He throws me a smirk as he steps out the door.

  Once I’m on the machine, and cruising down the trail, and then in the deep snow, the stress of being Keith’s little sister, and my father’s daughter starts to fade away. This is exactly what I needed.

  He Should Run Screaming Instead of Teasing.

  Once again Jason strips down to his boxers before pulling on pajama pants. I’m watching him over the top of Justine’s book and probably being completely too obvious.

  I’m aware of the absurdity of this situation. We’ve had sex. We’re sharing a bed and a room and our days. There are just already too many things I’m going to miss, and too many ties to a place I was supposed to leave without ties for me to take advantage of how much I love his body.

  Jason jumps into his sides of the bed. “You know what else helps me de-stress.” He wags his brows.

  I shake my head, and go back to the book. Justine will want me to tell her where I’m at, and how I’m loving the book in the morning. I know this from the past few mornings of vampire/werewolf talk.

  “So, this is…something.” Jason slides between the sheets and rolls on his side to look at me.

  “Something,” I agree. This stupid book is the only barrier, and after feeling pretty big and heavy all day, it’s now feels tiny. The day with him was just another reminder of how easy things could be between us.

  His fingers slide across the back of my hand, sending goose bumps up my arm that quick
ly spread over my body.

  “Jason.” I close my eyes, knowing again that I’m leading him on by being here, but that I’d make it even worse if we were to do more than we’re doing now.

  “We could try the no-strings thing again.” There’s enough tease in his voice that it’s keeping us out of serious territory. Or at least part way out.

  “Way too late for that.” I try to smile, but it gets caught with the lump in my throat.

  “I’m about to sound crazy, but it’s hard being this close to you, seeing you, and not being able to touch you.” He sighs and stares at the ceiling. So much for teasing.

  Emotion wells up in me because this is all stupid and pointless. I have to lighten this again. “Then roll over, stupid.” I push out something like a laugh, as I shove his chest, and his side, and his hips to roll him away from me.

  He chuckles, and lets me push.

  “Better?” I ask when he’s facing the opposite wall.

  “That was actually a bit of a turn-on.” I can tell he’s smiling, but he doesn’t move either.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” I clutch my book, picturing Jason naked and turned on all too well.

  “Nope. I can show you if you like.”

  He starts to turn toward me, but I put both hands on his back and shove. “You’re such a guy. Now leave me alone so I can read.”

  I’m trying to tease, but I’m so desperate for things between us to stay light, that I’m sure some shakiness comes through.

  He reaches out behind him without turning his head, and runs his fingers down my calf. I want so much more. “Goodnight, Dana.”

  I start to tease him about not letting bed bugs bite, but the lump in my throat is too big. How did I get into this mess?

  JASON

  OK, Somebody Really Should Have Given me some Warning–

  Flicked my Ear or Something

  I’m finally headed inside after checking all the rental machines before the weekend, and the smell of the gas I spilled on my hands will probably follow me all day. I open the door into the warmth of the lodge, and the first words I hear from Justine get my attention.

  “So, what’s going on with you and my brother?” Justine asks. Ah, perfect question. I’m afraid to breathe, to move, to do anything that might alert them to my presence. I have no idea what to do with Dana. I need all the help I can get.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, come on. I’m not stupid.” I can picture Justine’s face now and it makes me smile.

  Dana’s silent for a moment. “I don’t know.”

  “Well, don’t you guys talk about it or anything?”

  “No,” Dana answers quickly. “That would make it real.”

  I smile at that. It would make it real and for whatever reason, neither of us are really ready for that. Well, I might be but I shouldn’t be, not after my divorce. At any rate, I’m not willing to risk scaring her off.

  “Well, it just seems like…” Justine starts.

  “Justine, look around. At some point in time I’ll be working for my dad. Jason wouldn’t leave here for his wife. It can’t go anywhere. There are too many differences. I don’t want something big right now. Not yet. It’s not just really horrible timing, it’s thousands of miles of distance. And anyway, I think he’s still broken after Cass. He’s not ready. I’m not ready. And we don’t live close enough.”

  “What about love conquers all and all that?”

  “If love conquered all, no one would ever get divorced.”

  Good point.

  “Why do you have to work for your dad?”

  “I want to,” Dana says.

  Right, simple. But I still feel it. I feel what I knew from the beginning.

  “But you like my brother.” I tense waiting for her response. It’s silent and then I hear Justine again. “A lot?” Again, nothing. I’m going crazy here. “Do you love him?” Justine presses her further. Dana must have answered yes to the first two questions. I feel it. I feel it where I shouldn’t because I like her that way too.

  “I…I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. He’s been great, and we’ve had some fun together.” Dana tries to make it all sound like it’s all been no big deal, but she doesn’t do a good job.

  What really sucks is I’m in that deep too, and I have no idea what to do about it.

  “Enough about me,” Dana says. “You have to tell your brother why you’re here.”

  Wait.

  “What?” I ask as I come around the corner from the coatroom.

  “Oh. I didn’t hear you come in,” Justine says.

  “Yeah. I just walked in from outside.” I realize my mistake and try to cover. I wonder if Dana knows me well enough to detect the lie.

  Justine takes a deep breath and tries to smile at me.

  I freeze, knowing by the look on their faces that this is big. “What?”

  “I’m pregnant,” Justine says.

  The room goes fuzzy.

  “What?” My body tenses in anger. I’m mad at her, mad at the guy, mad she’s here.

  She doesn’t say anything.

  “Are you sure?” I’m trying to keep from tearing apart my kitchen or hurling something across the room. My little sister. Some little punk had his hands on… There’s no way I can finish the thought.

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” She nods.

  “Yeah… I’m gonna need a minute on this one.” I clasp my hands together and rest them on the top of my head. I stand for a moment with my eyes closed. I don’t know what to do. I imagine myself smashing every plate in the cabinets and throwing something through the window. I know it would feel good, but I really don’t want to deal with the aftermath.

  I need out of here. I turn around and head back to the coat closet, grabbing my coat from its hook and heading straight for the shed. My arm flails around in the dark until I find the worn out old string to turn on the light. I almost pull the light off the ceiling when I find it. The place is still a disaster from the old owners—everything in here is old, rusted, and needs to be hauled out.

  I hit the heavy stuff first—cramming everything I don’t want anymore against the back door. About ten minutes or so into my shuffling, I hear Dana’s voice.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she says as she comes through the door. No mistaking her for anything but angry.

  “What business is it of yours?” I snap back and grab an old oil barrel to start rolling toward the back door.

  “Justine is a friend of mine.”

  “Ahh.” I smile at her sarcastically.

  “She’s in there crying because of you.” Her face is hard and her arms are folded. This is a new one.

  “No, she’s in there crying because of her. I mean, seriously? What was she thinking?”

  “Jason, how old were you when you first had sex?” she asks. She hasn’t missed a beat.

  “Isn’t that a little personal?” I don’t want to go there. This isn’t about me. This is about my little sister.

  She stands still, waiting for an answer. Shit, she has me. I was sixteen, almost seventeen. Justine’s age. Shit, shit, shit.

  “Sixteen,” I finally admit.

  “And the girl?”

  Shit again. “Also sixteen.”

  “So, your sister’s situation could have been you except that her boyfriend took off at the first sign of trouble, and I’m sure you wouldn’t have.” She smiles at me a little then.

  “I’m not her dad.” I shake my head as my shoulders slump. “I shouldn’t have to deal with this.” I tip the barrel on its side and roll it toward the back, banging it into an old wood table as it moves.

  “No, you’re not her dad. You’re her brother. She trusts you. She worships you. She came here because she was hoping to get some support.” Dana raises her voice over the noise I’m making. “She was too afraid to tell your parents. She was terrified to tell you because of what you’ll think about her. She finally gets the courage and you run out here.” Her accusato
ry look is back.

  “That’s my sister! What am I supposed to do?” I throw my hands in the air.

  “You’re supposed to go in there, give her your best big brother hug, and tell her that you love her no matter what. That’s all she needs. She’s terrified right now. I’d be terrified, and I’m almost six years older than she is.” Dana sighs.

  “The whole idea of it is just…” I shake my head again and run my hand over my hair.

  “Get over it, Jason.”

  I rub my hands hard over my face and then again through my shortened hair. I don’t know what to do with myself. I try to put myself in Justine’s place. I can’t, not really, but I feel bad. At her age, telling Mom and Dad that I’d gotten a girl pregnant would have been horrible.

  “You’re right.” I looked up at Dana and chuckle as I start toward the door. “That’s something I never thought I’d say to you.”

  “Thanks a lot.” She laughs and punches me lightly on the chest as I walk past her.

  I wonder how much more awkward this would have been without Dana here. I realize real quick that I don’t want to know.

  “Thank you.” I stop. I think back to the conversation I overheard. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

  I love the way Dana’s looking at me right now, and I want to kiss her more than I’ve wanted to kiss anyone. So much that I take a step closer.

  “Go talk to your sister.” She pushes me away, smiling. Guess we’re back to games.

  I sigh.

  Justine’s eyes are red, and she’s sitting on the big couch with a roll of toilet paper in her hands.

  “Sorry.” I sit down next to her and put my arm around her. “Let me know if I can do anything, okay?”

  She buries her face in my chest then. “Thank you, Jason.”

  “I love you no matter what. You know that, right?” This is what Dana said she needs, and it’s probably the only thing I know how to do to help.