Memento Mori

by Lexi Blake

  He found her clit again with his thumb and rubbed while he fucked up into her pussy with his tongue. She shuddered and then he tasted fresh cream. It coated his tongue as she came apart, his name on her lips.

  In that moment it didn’t matter that Jax wasn’t his name, or perhaps it was in that moment that Jax finally became his name. Hearing it from her lips made it real to him after all these months.

  His body felt electric as he got to his knees. Pants. He needed to take off his pants, and then there was the condom he had to deal with. His hands shook as he fished it from his back pocket before shoving his jeans down and freeing his dick. He ripped open the packet and managed to do what he needed, trying not to think about the fact that he’d practiced on a fucking banana. The thought made him laugh because how many other thirty-something guys in the world had to take a sex education class taught by former commandos?

  She was smiling when he moved over her. “I love your laugh.”

  He rarely laughed. “You make me happy, River. And I meant what I said. I don’t want a one-night stand.”

  “Then we’ll have to move this to the bedroom.” Her arms drifted up. “And next time, you’re taking your pants off.”

  But not this time. He couldn’t. He was far too desperate to have her. He lined up his cock and pressed inside her. Pure pleasure nearly made his eyes roll in the back of his head, but he forced himself to focus on her. The orgasm he’d given her made her slick, but she was still shockingly tight around him. He was shoving his cock into a warm, wet vise, and his brain could barely handle it.

  His body took over, finding a rhythm and riding it. He gritted his teeth, trying to hold out to make the moment last. River’s legs wound around his waist and her whole body tightened as he fucked deep inside her. He felt her pussy clamp down and there was nothing else he could do. He lost control, pounding into her as the orgasm hit him, frying his brain and sending shockwaves through him. Nothing had ever felt as good as that moment when she wrapped herself around him, when he emptied himself into her.

  Jax dropped down, covering her body with his. He didn’t bother to hold his weight off her. She’d accepted him, still was as her hands stroked down his back. She wasn’t thinking about how to “help” him or how damaged he was. She was basking in what he could give her.

  And what she’d given him was nothing short of miraculous. He sighed and let his head rest against hers. He would text Tucker and tell him he would check in tomorrow. Surely everything could wait until the morning. He wanted all the time he could get with her. It wouldn’t hurt the mission for him to sleep in her bed, holding her close and waking with her. It couldn’t hurt anyone.

  He kissed her lightly, pleasant lethargy taking over. Could anything be better than to lie with her, warm and happy and sated?

  “I’m going to make you pancakes in the morning,” she said with a smile.

  Yep. Life was pretty perfect.

  * * * *

  He came awake with the absolute certainty that someone was in the cabin. He wasn’t sure why he knew it, he simply followed instincts honed from all his time in the bunker with McDonald. There had been nights when he would wake up and know someone was there. He would try to stay still, but he would open his eyes and there would be Mother. She would stare at him while he slept, likely thinking of all the torture she would put him through when he was awake.

  Jax pushed the memory aside, his whole body on alert, listening for any sound that would give away where the intruder was. It wouldn’t have taken much to get inside the cabin. He’d secured the front and back doors as well as he could, but he hadn’t had a lot to work with. There was a single, simple lock on each door, and a hook on the screens. It was nothing he couldn’t get through in roughly three minutes if he took his time and picked the locks, a few seconds if he kicked the door in.

  Everything was perfectly silent except the sound of the river rushing past. It gurgled and churned, a soothing sound he would miss when he left here. If he followed it several miles to the south, he would be at the big cabin where his brothers were being housed, where Taggart was probably coming up with some punishment for disobedience.

  There hadn’t been physical punishment at The Garden, but that had been Damon Knight’s choice. It had been explained to each of them how important it was to follow the rules when they were out in the world. There would be fallout for defiance. There always was.

  It would be worth it. He would take whatever pain was coming his way because she was the best thing that had happened to him.

  The cabin was still and silent. Maybe he’d been wrong. Paranoia was one of his closest friends. He glanced at the clock on the nightstand. 3:43 a.m. They’d moved into the smaller of the two bedrooms sometime after midnight. She’d given him no reason why she wasn’t staying in the master, but he could extrapolate. Her father had died recently. She wasn’t ready to take the room over yet, but they would need a bigger bed if he was going to stay here.

  He might stay here forever.

  The slightest creak of the hardwoods forced his attention back to the matter at hand. That hadn’t been the house settling. Someone was moving carefully out in the living area. Adrenaline started to thrum through him.

  Breathe in. Breathe out. Remember the layout of the cabin.

  He eased his arm from under her head, careful not to wake her. The last thing he wanted was to scare her. He could take care of the intruder and then wake her up to call the authorities. Or he could kill the intruder and toss his body in the Rio Grande and go back to bed.

  As quietly as he could, he stepped into his boxers and moved out of the room.

  The master was across from the bedroom he’d shared with River, the bathroom to his back. It was no more than ten steps from where he was standing to the living room and the kitchen beyond. He clung to the shadows, listening intently to try to figure out how many intruders he was dealing with. He hadn’t been given a sidearm, but he didn’t need one. He preferred hand to hand, genuinely enjoyed the feel of fighting an opponent with nothing but strength between them.

  “Ow, damn it, Dante,” a hushed voice said. “You couldn’t have mentioned there was a table there?”

  “Not my problem,” Dante replied and he wasn’t whispering.

  Damn it. No fight for him, and he couldn’t throw his brothers into the river however much he wanted to. He strode out, not caring that he wasn’t even half dressed. Dante and Tucker stood there in the darkened living room, though it appeared Tucker had brought along a flashlight. He clicked it on and shined it right in Jax’s eyes. “Hey, put that thing down. And keep quiet. River’s sleeping.”

  “Certainly. We wouldn’t want to wake your girl. She’s probably had a rough night.” Dante chuckled. “I hope you had fun, brother. It’s time to go. Robert has the car outside.”

  Tucker frowned. “I tried to tell them you would come back in the morning, but Ezra was insistent. He doesn’t think we should be out all night. He wasn’t particularly happy you picked up a chick. Although, when you think about it, you’re the one who got picked up since you don’t actually have a car or a place to take her or well, anything else it takes to have a girlfriend.”

  That hurt more than it should.

  “She is not girlfriend. She’s some chick he banged,” Dante said. “I always knew Jax was the smart one. He finds woman he doesn’t have to pay. He finds slut instead of whore. Saves him money.”

  He didn’t realize what he was going to do until his fist met Dante’s jaw. Dante could be a dick about women, and the idea of him even thinking about River made Jax crazy. “Don’t you ever use either one of those words in my presence again.”

  Maybe he would get that fight.

  Tucker had the good sense to get in between them before Dante escalated the situation and River walked in to find a brawl occurring in the middle of her living room. The game might be up when she met the assholiest of his brothers.

  “Hey, keep it down,” Tucker said, his voice low. “
You know what Robert said. We’re supposed to get him out of here as quietly as possible.”

  “I’m not leaving.” He took a step back. “I texted you and told you what I was doing.”

  Tucker nodded. “Yes, and then Ezra turned on the GPS on your tracker and told us to get you. We’re not allowed to be out on our own. I got a horrible lecture and I’ve been told Big Tag is going to have more to say in the morning when he’s sober again. Apparently you can see aliens way better when you drink a shit ton of whiskey. Big Tag is a weird drunk. Like you almost can’t tell, but then he calls his brother and asks for a grilled cheese delivery. Sean Taggart was pissed.”

  He didn’t have time to listen to one of Tucker’s rambling commentaries. “I don’t care. I have to get back to River or she’ll wake up and wonder where I’ve gone.”

  Tucker sighed. “I’m sorry this didn’t go the way you hoped, but we have to get home.”

  Home? It was a laughable word. “That massive cabin is not our home. The Garden wasn’t our home, Tucker. We don’t have a home. Those places are nothing but a way to keep us locked up so we won’t hurt anyone.”

  Dante rubbed his jaw. “This is the first thing I’ve agreed with you about. But there’s nothing we can do now. If we leave, we’ll be picked up by the police, who will place us in jail, or the Agency, who will likely make the McDonald bitch look like a baby.”

  He didn’t like agreeing with Dante. He ignored the man and turned back to Tucker. “I’m not leaving her. I told her I would stay and she’s making pancakes in the morning. If you want to, come by around nine or ten and you can drive me back then. But Ezra needs to know that I’m not going to ignore her. I’m going to see her again.”

  Dante groaned. “One taste of pussy and he’s a duckling following her around.”

  “I can slit your throat while you sleep,” Jax vowed.

  “I would love to see you try,” Dante snarled his way.

  Tucker was back in the middle again, pushing them away from each other. “Stop. We’re all going to get into serious trouble if we wreck this lady’s house. Jax, I’m sorry, but we have to go. It’s late and we’ve got an early meeting. We start this op in a couple of days. With any luck we’ll be done and out of here in a week. It’s not a good idea to get involved. She’s going to get hurt. When we started the night out, you remembered that little fact.”

  “She’s a nice woman. I like her.” Like was another ridiculous word to use. He craved her. But it wouldn’t do to let Dante know it. Dante liked to play games. Oh, he never took them too far, never enough to get him kicked out, and he took his beatdowns with surprising aplomb, but Jax wasn’t about to hand the man another weapon to use against him. “I told her I would be here in the morning. I think I should honor my word.”

  They would have to carry him out of this house. He wasn’t going to disappoint her. She’d had enough of that. When they weren’t making love, they’d talked. She’d talked. He’d listened and held her. She’d told him a bit about how hard it was to lose her dad, how she still expected to wake up and hear him.

  He might not be able to stay with her the way he wanted to, but he could keep one promise he’d made. He could make sure she woke up warm and safe, and he could watch as she made breakfast for them. He could eat her pancakes and kiss her, maybe convince her to sit in his lap and watch the morning pass. It sounded like a perfect way to spend the day.

  “He’s not going to listen,” Dante said. “We should go.”

  “We can’t go without him.” Tucker was insistent. “I don’t know Big Tag the way I do Damon, and I absolutely don’t know Fain. I don’t know how he’ll handle us failing. We can’t fail.”

  Because failure in Mother’s world meant death, or something so close it felt like it. Something that would make a man wish for death.

  “It’s not the same.” He prayed it wouldn’t be, but his gut churned at the thought. No one had tested Fain yet. They’d been on their best behavior. What would Fain or Big Tag do if they caused trouble?

  Dante had moved behind him, seeming to go toward the door. “These men talk a big game, but they wouldn’t hurt us. Still. I don’t like to fail.”

  Jax hissed as something bit him on the arm. He looked down and realized it hadn’t been a bite. Dante pushed the plunger on a hypodermic needle. “What?”

  The world immediately went fuzzy.

  “Damn it, they told us that was for emergencies or if the lady turned out to be an Agency plant,” Tucker complained. “Do you have any idea how heavy he is?”

  The words were fading as he hit his knees. Pain flared, but it was nothing compared to his anger. His choice was being taken away again, but this time she would be the one who got hurt.

  As the world went gray and then black, he wished he’d never seen her, never pulled her in. He didn’t regret touching her, but his hands couldn’t touch her without his world touching her. He couldn’t bring her into his fucked-up world.

  “Grab his clothes,” Tucker was saying. “We’re not supposed to leave anything behind.”

  It had been ridiculous to think he could even have a night’s peace. That kind of thing wasn’t for a man like him.

  The world blinked out, his last thought being that he would always be alone.

  Chapter Five

  River reached across the sheets, stretching to find Jax. Her body felt pleasantly used, like she’d gone on a long run. She’d definitely gotten a workout the night before. After he’d taken her on the living room carpet, he’d picked her up, carrying her to the bedroom. He’d made love to her again on the double bed in the room she’d grown up in, his legs hanging off the end because he was too big. For the bed. Not for her. He was exactly the right size for her.

  He’d held her until she’d fallen asleep. She’d laid her head on his chest and listened to the strong beat of his heart. That was the important thing. The fact that his chest was a mass of scar tissue didn’t mean his heart wasn’t strong, wasn’t capable of caring.

  She opened her eyes, daylight streaming into the small room. The place beside her was empty. Had he gotten up already? She frowned, looking around the room. It wasn’t such a surprise. He couldn’t have been comfortable in the double bed. He was a king-sized guy. He’d had to scrunch himself up to fit on the mattress. He was probably in the shower, using the hot water to work the kinks out.

  River slipped out of bed and immediately smelled coffee.

  He was a keeper. He could make her scream in bed and knew how to use the coffeemaker. She’d taken a chance the night before, but it was going to work out this time. She merely had to temper her expectations. He wasn’t staying around forever. They would have a few weeks, maybe.

  Of course, he’d changed his mind about the one-night stand pretty easily. She needed to stop being so pessimistic. Who knew where it could go? He had a phone. He’d used it to text his brother that he wouldn’t be going back to the place they were staying at. It wasn’t hard to keep up a connection if a person wanted to.

  She threw a robe on and walked down the hall, ready to start the day differently than she had for the last several months. She stopped, realizing what she hadn’t done. It happened every single morning for the last couple of years. She would lay in bed and wait for it, wait for the wretched coughing sound that accompanied her father’s waking up. It signaled the peace he’d found in sleep was done and his misery continued. She would lie there and listen for it and put off hope for another day.

  Even after he’d died, it was the first thing she thought about every morning until this one. This morning she’d woken up thinking about Jax.

  There it was—that guilt she felt every time she remembered her dad was dead. She didn’t want to feel it today. Today she wanted to make some changes. It started with cleaning out his room and moving into it. She’d thought she wouldn’t make the move because she was selling the cabin, but Jax would be far more comfortable in there.

  It was time to look forward and not to the past. It w
as time to try to live again, and it started with having a cup of coffee with the single most gorgeous man she’d ever met.

  She strode into the kitchen and stopped.

  “Hey, you. I thought I’d make some coffee. How was the hottie? Tell me you didn’t drop him off at his place. I talked to his brother for hours so you would have time with him. That boy is weird. Not like scary weird but still weird.” Heather stood in the middle of her kitchen, pouring coffee into a mug. She finished filling one and held the pot out. “Want some?”

  “Where’s Jax? Did he let you in?” The minute she asked the question she realized how stupid it was. If Jax had let Heather in she wouldn’t have asked if she’d spent the night with him.

  Heather set the pot back in its cradle. “The door was open. I’m sorry. I didn’t see him. Maybe he’s out for a run or something.”

  He wasn’t out for a run. He’d been wearing boots. No one ran in boots.

  She glanced around the living room. He’d tossed his clothes off. His and hers. Hers were still on the floor but his were gone. His boots weren’t sitting near the fireplace, as they’d been the night before. He’d taken his things and left.

  “You were expecting him to stay?” Heather’s voice had gone sympathetic.

  “He said he would.” A familiar numbness washed over her. Ah, humiliation. Her old friend. He’d either tricked her or changed his mind.

  Why? She’d been more than willing to accept a single go. She’d requested it, actually. He’d been the one who told her he was staying.

  Heather frowned. “I didn’t see a note or anything. Are you okay? You went pale.”

  Because something else—another reason for his lies—had just gone through her brain. “Have you seen my purse?”

  Where had she put it?