Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5)

by Amy Clipston

  “Okay.”

  Mamm pushed open the door, and Lydia stepped into the small room, finding her baby sister in the center of another bed that seemed too large for her tiny body. Even the prayer covering seemed too large on her fragile-looking, bald head. Lydia couldn’t help thinking Ruthie resembled an old, worn-out rag doll. Her eyes were closed, and a tube was sticking out of her tiny arm. A clear mask was on her little face, and a machine hummed.

  Trying in vain to stop her tears, Lydia lowered herself into a chair beside the bed and took Ruthie’s hand in hers. Ruthie stirred but didn’t wake up.

  Mamm sat in a chair on the other side of the bed. “The doctor said she is very tired from the illness and the excitement of the ambulance ride.”

  Lydia again felt as if her world was coming apart as she studied her baby sister, who looked so weak. She stroked Ruthie’s little hand.

  “I think she wants to hear your voice,” Mamm said. “She needs to know you’re here with her.”

  “Ruthie,” she began. “It’s Lydia. Mamm said you wanted to see me. I hope you’re feeling better. You gave us a real scare, but the doctor said you’re going to be just fine. A lot of people are here in the hospital waiting room—they all came for you. All of our aunts, uncles, cousins, and most of our freinden from church are already here, and Joshua told me more people are on their way. You have to get better so you can visit with them when you feel up to it. You know they’ll want to come by the haus and see you when you come home.”

  Ruthie turned her head toward Lydia and opened her eyes.

  “Hi, there,” Lydia said as a tear trickled down her cheek. “You need to get better, ya?”

  Nodding her head, Ruthie weakly squeezed Lydia’s hand.

  Lydia sucked in a breath and smiled at her sister. They sat in silence for several minutes. The only sounds were the buzz and hiss of the machine and the occasional deep, barky cough from Ruthie’s little mouth.

  Lydia began to babble about everything she wanted to do with Ruthie when she was better, such as teaching her how to sew and how to write her name. She told Ruthie about the storybook she’d read to Irma in the waiting area. She prattled on and on until she was out of words.

  Finally, Mamm leaned over. “Ruthie, I think you need to get more sleep. Why don’t you close your eyes, mei liewe?”

  Ruthie closed her eyes. Soon, her breathing changed, and she let go of Lydia’s hand.

  “Let’s allow her to sleep in peace,” their mamm whispered. “I think it helped her to see you and hear your voice. Maybe that will give her some strength to tell her body to get better.” She gestured toward the door. “Let’s head back out to the waiting area.”

  When they arrived, the group of family members and friends seemed to have doubled in size. She spotted more cousins, along with friends. Lydia hugged her mother and stepped farther into the waiting room, while her father took Mamm’s hand and walked with her back toward Ruthie’s room. Lydia wished her father would acknowledge her, but she had to let that worry go for today. Right now her focus was Ruthie.

  “Lydia,” Joshua said as he emerged from the sea of faces. “Let’s go talk in private.”

  He took her hand and led her to a quiet, uninhabited area, around the corner and away from the group. They stood all alone, out of sight from the members of their community.

  He opened his arms, and Lydia stepped into them, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his shoulder. With his strong arms around her, she let down her guard, allowing all of her stress and worries to pour out of her. She inhaled his musky scent and gripped him as if her life depended on his comforting embrace. She took deep breaths until she felt as if she was in control of her raging emotions.

  “She has pneumonia,” Lydia said, keeping her head on his muscular shoulder. “She looks so tiny and so pale.”

  Joshua rubbed her back. “I’m so sorry.”

  “She looks so grank. She’s hooked up to an IV with medicine, and she has an oxygen mask on,” Lydia continued, her voice trembling. “Her cancer doctor wants her at the hospital in Hershey, so they are going to treat her here and then move her. That means she’ll be away from home again. I can’t bear the thought of her and my mamm going away again. I know Ruthie has to go and stay there to get better, but we’ll miss them so much.” Her tears began to flow again, and she buried her face in his shoulder while he held her close.

  “She’ll be fine,” Joshua whispered. “Keep your faith, Lydia. Don’t let it go. You have to be strong for your parents and your brother and sisters.”

  “I know I have to be strong,” she said. “Everyone tells me that all the time. But, honestly, it’s just too much for me to handle anymore. Every time I think things are going to get better, something bad happens. I’m tired of trying to be strong when I’m dying inside. I feel like my world is upside down. Everything is crumbling around me.”

  “Your world isn’t crumbling,” he said. “I won’t let it crumble. You have people to help you. I promise you I’ll be by your side from this moment on.”

  She looked up at him and he wiped away her tears with the tip of his finger. She stared into his eyes, and her heart turned over in her chest.

  “I’ve missed you,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry for everything I said to you.”

  “Shhhh,” he said, placing his finger on her lips. “Don’t apologize. And I’ve missed you too.” He frowned. “You were right. I’ve been a lousy freind. I haven’t been around when you needed me most. I’m sorry for that, but I’m here now.” He pointed to two empty seats by the window. “Let’s sit.”

  Holding her hand, Joshua led her to the chairs, and they sat beside each other.

  “I’m so sorry about everything,” Lydia apologized again, still gripping his warm hand. “I was wrong to be so hard on you.”

  “It’s all in the past,” he said.

  “No,” she continued. “I owe you an explanation about the night I drank with Mahlon and his freinden. I never should’ve done it, but I was just so tired and stressed out about everything at home. Ruthie was getting sicker and sicker, and my parents were on edge all the time. You weren’t there and neither was Amanda. And I missed both of you. Mahlon invited me to join him and his freinden, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

  “I know,” Joshua said. “I had assumed that’s why you did it, because it wasn’t like you at all.”

  “I felt horrible when I got home.”

  He looked at her with a curious expression. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you keep it to yourself?”

  Lydia frowned. “I was afraid to tell you. We used to share everything, but you stopped talking to me when Ruthie got sick. You were always too busy, and I felt alone.”

  He squeezed her hand. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve reached out to you, but after my grossdaadi injured his back, we were running over to his house all the time. I was exhausted from working on both farms. It’s no excuse, but it’s the truth.”

  She studied his eyes. “Why did you defend me to Mahlon?”

  “Because I didn’t want to see you get in trouble. You’ve been going through enough with your schweschder and so have your parents.” His gaze was intense. “I wanted to believe you’d made a mistake but you were still the sweet, loyal, and innocent maedel I knew. I also wanted to believe that nothing was going on between you and Mahlon.”

  “I’m still that maedel,” she said softly. “And nothing is going on between Mahlon and me—nothing at all. I promise you.”

  “Gut,” Joshua said with a smile. “That’s what I’d hoped was true.”

  “But I deserve to be punished,” she whispered. “I was wrong and I should face the consequences.”

  “We can worry about facing consequences for your past mistakes later.” He gently squeezed her hand again for emphasis. “Right now I’m just worried about Ruthie and I want to be here for you so you can be strong for your family.”

  Warmth gathered in her belly at the sound of t
he word we. Did this mean she had a chance with him? But what about the girl from Gordonville?

  His expression remained intense. “Do you have feelings for Tristan?”

  “No,” she said with a shake of her head. “We’re only freinden, and now that I’m going to apply to become the teacher, I’m going to be sure our friendship is inconspicuous. If I see him on the street, I’ll say hello, but that will be it. I won’t be spending any time with him at his haus again.”

  Joshua raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to try to become the teacher? Is Barbie leaving?”

  “Ya, but it’s a secret. She’s planning to be married in the fall, and she told me to talk to the school board about the job.”

  “That’s wunderbaar!” Joshua said. “I’m so froh for you.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said, studying his expression. “I have to ask you something.”

  “Anything,” he said.

  “Are you seeing a girl from Gordonville?” She bit her bottom lip while she awaited the answer.

  “A girl from Gordonville?” he asked, looking confused. “Who are you —?” Then his eyes brightened with recognition. “Are you talking about Mary Fisher?”

  “I don’t know her last name, but Nancy and Amanda told me you’d been talking to a girl named Mary from Gordonville at a few youth gatherings. I felt so out of touch with everyone. I hate that I missed so many youth gatherings.” I was afraid I’d lost you. Her heart pounded with worry as she awaited his response.

  “No,” he said. “I’m not seeing her. She talked to me a few times, and it turned out that I knew some of her friends, since I’ve met them at my grandparents’ house. But I’m not seeing her or anyone else.”

  Lydia breathed a sigh of relief, and then her cheeks burned when she realized he’d seen it.

  “We’d better get back before your cousins start looking for you.” Joshua stood and tugged her hand as she stood up. “I’m sorry for giving you the impression that I didn’t care.”

  “I’m sorry too.”

  He pulled her to him. “I promise I’ll be a better freind.”

  “I will too,” she said, hugging him and enjoying the strength and comfort his embrace provided.

  He put his finger under her chin, and lifted her face so she was looking up at him. Leaning down, he brushed his lips against hers, sending the pit of her belly into a wild swirl and rendering her breathless.

  “We’d better go back before they come searching for you,” he said, running his finger down her cheekbone.

  Unable to speak, Lydia nodded with her eyes wide in surprise.

  Taking her hand, Joshua led her back to the waiting room, where her friends and family members still gathered.

  “There you are,” Amanda said, sidling up to her and holding out a Styrofoam cup. “I’ve been looking for you. This is your iced tea.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said, taking the cup.

  Joshua leaned over. “I’m going to talk to my parents. They’re over there with a few other friends.”

  “Okay,” Lydia said. “I’ll be here with Amanda.”

  Joshua headed over to where his parents were sitting.

  “You two are getting awfully cozy,” Amanda said with a grin.

  Lydia sipped the cool beverage. You have no idea. “He’s been really supportive.”

  Nancy stepped over to them. “I noticed you and Joshua are getting reacquainted. That’s gut to see.”

  Lydia smiled. “Ya, we have. Things are going to be okay. I really believe that now.”

  Amanda hugged her. “Ya, I believe that too.”

  While talking to her cousins, Lydia felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning, she found Tristan standing behind her. “Tristan! You’re back.”

  “Yeah,” he said, folding his arms over his chest. “I made a few more trips to your house to bring more people out to the hospital. You have a big community.”

  “I appreciate your help so much today,” she said, holding out her hand. “You really are a blessing to us.”

  “You’re welcome.” Tristan shook her hand. “I’m glad I could help. Your uncle told me Ruthie has pneumonia. I’m sorry to hear that, but I heard from another member of your community that the doctors here are very good. I bet she’ll be just fine. We’re going to add her to our prayer chain at church.”

  “Thank you,” Lydia said. “I have faith too, and I know you’re right.” She introduced Tristan to her cousins, and the three of them sat and talked together for a long while.

  Later that evening, Tristan gave several members of the community a ride home while others called drivers or used taxis to get back to Joshua’s house to collect their horses and buggies. Lydia sat on the porch at her house with Joshua while they watched the buggies in the distance move down his driveway toward the road.

  “When are they moving Ruthie to Hershey?” Joshua asked.

  “Tomorrow,” Lydia said with a deep sigh. “My mamm is spending the night at the hospital and will travel with her.”

  “But the doctors said she was doing better, ya?” Joshua asked.

  “That’s what my dat said. Her oxygen level was much better, and she seemed to be responding to the medication.” She gave him a weak smile. “It’s the best news we could hope for. She’s not home, but she’s doing better. That’s what I asked God for, and he answered.”

  “Ya, he did.” Joshua stood and stretched. “I better get home before my mamm starts calling for me. I’ll come by and visit you tomorrow night. Would that be okay?”

  “That would be wunderbaar gut.” She stood, hoping for a hug before he left.

  Leaning down, he pressed his lips to hers, sending liquid heat through her veins. She held her breath, savoring his touch. So much better than a hug!

  He touched her hand. “Gut nacht, mei Lydia.”

  “Gut nacht,” she echoed. “See you tomorrow.”

  Joshua loped down the stairs toward the pasture. Lydia leaned on the railing and watched him disappear by the barn. She couldn’t stop the smile forming on her lips. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined Joshua would kiss her like that so soon, and he’d kissed her twice in one day. Yes, things are definitely looking up!

  She started toward the front door, but stopped when she heard a horse clip-clopping up the driveway. She descended the stairs and walked over to the driveway to see who was coming for an unexpected visit.

  The buggy stopped in front of her, and Lydia was surprised when Barbie climbed out from the passenger side.

  “Lydia,” Barbie said. “Stephen was just taking me home, but I was wondering if I could have a quick word with you.”

  “Of course.” Lydia stepped over to Barbie and waved to Stephen, who sat in the driver’s seat.

  He gave a quick wave in response.

  “I wanted to apologize to you,” Barbie began. “I was wrong about your freind.”

  Lydia raised her eyebrows. “My freind?”

  “Ya,” Barbie said. “Your English freind, Tristan, drove me and a few others to the hospital, and I spoke to him in the car. He’s a gut Christian bu, just like you said. He was very worried about Ruthie, and he spoke of God’s love and having faith in his healing. I also spoke to his daed in the waiting room, and he too was very faithful to God and positive that things would be okay.” She frowned. “I’m so sorry for assuming the worst about him. I was very wrong, and I feel just terrible about it.”

  Lydia hugged Barbie. “You don’t need to apologize. We all make wrong assumptions at times.”

  “Danki,” Barbie said. “I was hoping for your forgiveness.”

  Lydia smiled. “How could I not forgive you, my dear freind?” She took a deep breath. “I have something to tell you.”

  “What?” Barbie asked, looking excited.

  “I’ve realized that I do want to be the teacher next year. I want to speak to the school board when the time is right.”

  “Oh, Lydia!” Barbie clapped her hands together. “That is wunderbaar gut news! We’ll sp
eak to the school board in a few weeks, ya?”

  “That would be perfect,” Lydia said.

  “I better go,” Barbie said, stepping toward the buggy. “We’ll talk soon. Gut nacht, Lydia. Please tell your parents that I send my love and prayers for Ruthie.”

  “I will.” Lydia waved to Barbie and Stephen as they drove down the driveway.

  Lydia climbed up onto the porch and then looked back at the sun as it began to set in the sky. She smiled and headed into the house.

  22

  Lydia stood outside the one-room schoolhouse and smoothed her dark blue dress with her hands. The past six weeks had flown by at lightning speed. After spending two weeks in the hospital at Hershey due to her case of pneumonia, Ruthie had come home and then returned to the Hershey hospital for more treatments. When she and her mother had come home on Tuesday, Ruthie was tired, but she looked better than she had in months.

  Lydia’s mother wasn’t quite as stressed out as she had been either. Their family was falling into a routine with Ruthie’s illness. With school out, Titus and Irma were helping more around the house and the farm. Her father was still working long hours, but he was in the process of applying for state assistance with their medical bills, and he seemed more at ease with the debt they were facing. All in all, things were becoming more “normal,” and Lydia was ready to look toward her future as the possible teacher.

  Lydia touched her prayer covering and then smoothed her dress again.

  “You look schee,” Joshua said, touching her hand. “Stop fussing.”

  She looked up into his eyes and blew out a nervous sigh. “Danki for saying that I look schee, but I want to look better than pretty. I need to look grown-up, put together, professional.”

  “You’re all that and more,” Joshua said with a smile. “That’s why I want you to be my girlfriend.”

  She gasped. “You do?”

  He laughed. “You haven’t figured that out already? I’ve been spending every moment of my free time with you. Wouldn’t that give you a clue about my feelings? It won’t be official until we join the church in the fall, but I wanted to ask you now.”