Living To Love You (Santos Family Series Book 4)

by KD Bryan

  “Si, and I’ll probably take you up on that offer, Dad. I know there’ll be days when I’ll need to be here with her…especially the first few days after each treatment,” said Rob quietly.

  After his parents took their leave, Rob walked back into the house and closed the door behind him. Yes, he’d need to be here. Jillian was counting on his support, and Rob knew they needed one another to get through this.

  You never need to apologize for how you choose to survive.

  -Unknown

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Roberto!”

  Rob heard the frantic cry from the bathroom, and his heart plummeted to his stomach at the sound of Jillian’s voice. Rushing from the kitchen, he made it to the master bathroom in record time and barreled into the room where Jillian was standing at the vanity. After a quick look around he knew what was happening.

  Jillian was standing with a hairbrush in her hand which was now full of short strands of blonde hair. Glancing at the vanity Rob saw more hair littering the granite surface, and the overhead lighting picked up the golden blonde highlights. He lifted his gaze, and Rob’s heart broke when his eyes met Jillian’s in the reflection of the mirror. Unshed tears hovered on her lashes, and Rob groaned as he stepped closer to pull her body back against his.

  Standing within the circle of Rob’s arms, Jillian felt the hard planes of his chest at her back and her body sagged against his. She’d thought she was ready for this…she’d even cut her hair hoping that would help with the initial shock. Dropping the brush onto the vanity, Jillian turned in Rob’s arms and pressed her cheek to his shirtfront. She immediately felt one of his hands on her back moving in a circular smoothing motion, and the gesture had her sniffing back the tears that were threatening to spill over.

  Pressing a kiss to Jillian’s head, Rob’s brain worked frantically trying to figure out what to say or do. He’d known this was going to be rough, despite how mentally prepared Jillian thought she was for the inevitable. The entire past week had been rough for that matter, but they’d made it through the bouts of severe nausea sometimes accompanied by vomiting with the help of the medication, saltines, and Gatorade. The flushing and itching hadn’t been pleasant either, and Rob had already noted a definite drop in Jillian’s energy level. She’d been in bed early every night, and naps were now a part of her daily routine.

  “Jillian? You okay, babe? I know this is hard, sweetheart,” murmured Rob next to ear.

  Sniffing once more, Jillian nodded against his chest and said, “I think I’m good. It was just a shock, you know. I knew it was coming…but the reality was much harder than I thought it would be.”

  Squeezing her tight, Rob felt her tremble in his embrace as he pressed another kiss to her head. “I’m sure it was, and we knew it would be. What can I do for you now?”

  Shrugging a shoulder, Jillian replied, “I don’t know, Rob. I’m not sure what to do right now. I’ve read on line where people simply shave their hair off…you know, just get it over with and put on the wig.”

  “Is that what you want to do?”

  “No…yes…I don’t know.”

  “Well, that’s an option since your new wig is here now,” said Rob carefully. He knew this could go either way, and he still wasn’t sure where Jillian’s thoughts were.

  Dropping her arms from his body, Jillian suddenly stepped back and leveled her gaze at Rob. He knew that look, and his chest grew tight as he recognized the fierce determination on Jillian’s face. That look had been absent for quite some time now, and Rob wanted to do a fist pump in the air.

  “Roberto…we’re going to do it. We’re going to get it over with, and then put it behind us,” stated Jillian with resolve in her voice. Her pulse was racing, but she was determined to move past this one hurdle and recapture at least an ounce of control despite the chaos.

  With a dubious look, Rob eyed her carefully trying to judge if she was really serious. A part of him was thrilled because this was the Jillian he recognized…fierce, determined, and ready to meet any challenge head on…without faltering.

  “Are you sure, Jillian? We can take a day…think it over,” offered Rob giving it one last ditch effort. Truthfully, he thought this was a good idea in the long run. Hearing her anguished cry of his name earlier had stripped him bare, and he wanted to help her regain at least a small part of herself.

  “No, tonight. Get the wig…it’s on the top shelf of the closet on the right,” Jillian instructed him with determination to do this.

  Her hairdresser had graciously helped with the wig by taking the long strands of Jillian’s hair they’d cut off and then personally delivering them to a wig maker here in the city. Since they’d decided on a short style much like the cut Jillian had now, there’d been more than enough hair to make a wig. Jillian had paid extra to put a rush on things, and the guy had come through with the final product having been delivered yesterday.

  Exiting the bathroom, Rob made his way to the closet and found the box right where Jillian had said it would be. Holding it gently in his hands, Rob almost laughed at himself…it wasn’t a bomb for crying out loud…but it did represent something monumental for Jillian. Carrying the box back into the bathroom, he placed it on the vanity and then turned to face Jillian again.

  “Okay, so what’s the plan? I have an old beard trimmer stuck back from my one dance with a goatee a few years ago. Will that work?” asked Rob feeling completely lost as to how they needed to proceed.

  “A goatee? You? Are there pictures of that somewhere, because I’d really like to see them if there are,” laughed Jillian. That she could laugh at a moment like this was just another reason why Rob Santos was perfect in her life.

  “Very funny, smartass,” said Rob with a mock frown. “I’ll have you know I looked quite sophisticated…some might even use the word debonair to describe the look.”

  With a laugh that came out as a snort, Jillian shook her head and said, “Well, some might be full of crap and blowing smoke up your ass, too, buddy.”

  Realizing he was getting nowhere with this line, Rob shrugged and leaning against the counter said, “Have it your way, Miss Barnes. Now, beard trimmer or what?”

  “Beard trimmer if that’s all we have to work with I suppose,” said Jillian. On impulse, she reached for Rob’s hand and held it in her own. “And Roberto, thanks for this.”

  Leaning in, Rob pressed a kiss to Jillian’s lips and then arched one brow. “No problem, babe. So, can I shave a lightning bolt onto the back of your head before we finish? I’ve always wanted to try that…”

  His suggestion was met with a semi-painful slap to his rock hard stomach, and an eye roll from Jillian. “Oh, good grief! Do I look like a teenage wanna-be rapper from twenty years ago, Roberto? No, I do not. Now get serious,” she instructed him, a smile playing at the corners of her lips. She knew what he was doing, and she loved him even more for it.

  In response, Rob crouched to retrieve something from beneath the vanity and pulled out the box he’d been looking for. Setting it on the counter beside the wig box, he and Jillian stood studying it as if the thing was going to climb out of the box and do this for them.

  With a big breath out, Jillian glanced at Rob and said, “Well, here goes. Grab a couple of towels to catch the hair so clean-up will be easier. I’ll also drape one around my shoulders.”

  Doing as she asked, Rob silently handed the towels over and watched as Jillian arranged everything the way she wanted it. He saw the slight tremor in her hand as she reached for the trimmer, and on impulse he reached for it himself instead. Lifting it from the box, he plugged in the cord and saw the light turn green indicating it was ready to go.

  “If I promise no lightning bolts or any other kind of hair art…why don’t you let me do this, babe,” said Rob quietly. He wasn’t sure Jillian was up to doing the actual shaving herself, and he wanted to support her in every way possible.

  Breathing out a quiet sigh, Jillian closed her eyes briefly and then opened t
hem to hold Rob’s gaze. “Are you sure? I think I can do it…once I make the initial pass…”

  Brushing aside his own qualms for her sake, Rob said with false bravado, “Naw, I got this. I’ll just pretend your hair is one giant beard that needs to be shaved off. Piece of cake…you’ll see.”

  Hiccoughing out a laugh mixed with the urge to cry, Jillian frowned saying, “One giant beard? You think I look like I have a giant beard on top of my head, Roberto? How unflattering!”

  Laughing at the indignant look on her face, Rob said, “Of course not, babe. We’re just pretending for tonight’s purposes, okay?”

  Jillian huffed out a breath while waving a hand in his direction, “Fine, whatever. Just do it…but I may close my eyes at first, okay?”

  His heart aching for her, Rob placed the trimmer on the vanity and placed both hands on Jillian’s shoulders. Instructing her to meet his gaze, he said, “You can do anything you need or want to do, okay? Whatever it takes, sweetheart, to make this bearable. How about you turn and put your back to the mirror while I work?”

  Nodding her head, Jillian allowed him to position her so that her back was to the mirror and she was now facing him. Jillian was trembling as she watched Rob reach for the trimmer, and felt herself jump when the buzzing sound started in the quiet of the room. Concentrating on his task, Rob blew out a breath and fought the urge to throw the trimmer down and just stop…but that wasn’t what Jillian needed.

  Glancing down, he realized she’d already closed her eyes in anticipation of the first cut so Rob knew he needed to man up and do this. He placed the trimmer at the edge of Jillian’s hairline above her ear and made the first pass. Short, silky strands of hair drifted down onto the towel around her shoulders, and Rob glanced down just as a tear spilled over and ran down Jillian’s cheek. With determination, he painstakingly ignored it and kept going. Leaving a short buzz of hair behind, Rob knew that would eventually come out as well but he wasn’t worried about that tonight.

  Several minutes later, Rob used his thumb to turn off the trimmer and looked at the woman in front of him. She was still beautiful…and of course her head was perfectly shaped with the fine covering of blonde stubble left behind. Her cheekbones stood out even more prominently than before, and her neck looked graceful yet fragile at the same time. Using his fingers, Rob gently brushed the loose hair from her face and then removed the towel from her shoulders.

  “You still look amazingly beautiful,” he whispered, the emotion evident in his voice.

  With another hiccoughed sob, Jillian asked, “No lightning bolt, right?”

  “No lightning bolt, I promise. Do you want to see for yourself?” he asked gently.

  With barely a nod, Jillian steeled herself as Rob turned her gently to face the mirror. Who was this woman staring back at her? The self-recognition was there of course, but a part of her felt detached…wandering…hoping that she’d someday again find the person she used to be. Cancer had changed so many things, and one of Jillian’s biggest fears was that she’d never really be the same again. Jillian knew the loss of her hair was the least of it, and she was willing to admit that her own vanity played into tonight’s current feelings of loss. Hair would eventually grow back one of these days, although maybe not the same texture, or even the same color…but it would eventually return in some mysterious, and yet to be seem form.

  But her confidence…that inborn surety that she was okay…well, Jillian knew that had been stolen from her. Never again would she wake in the morning without a thought as to whether she was okay or not. The realization cut to her very core, but she refused to give into it at the moment. Shaving her head was about all she could handle in one evening, and even poor Rob looked a little worse for wear.

  Fingering the small silver hoop in her ear, Jillian turned her head at different angles getting a better look at the result.

  “Good?” asked Rob hesitantly.

  Jillian slowly raised one hand and tentatively brushed her palm across the top of her head. The fine bristles of hair felt soft, yet not, as their blunt ends touched her skin. Dropping her arm back to her side, she met Rob’s gaze in the mirror.

  “Yeah, it’s good.”

  Silently, Rob reached for her hand and then turned to lead her from the bathroom. When they reached the bed he shucked his own clothes off quickly, and standing naked in front of Jillian he said, “Strip. Down to nothing. I know you’re not up for anything else, and that’s not what this is about. I just want to hold you…I want to feel every inch of your skin against mine. Please?”

  The last word was said almost on a plea, and Jillian’s heart ached for him. This was so hard on him too, and she wasn’t about to deny him this one request. She quickly dropped her own clothes, but on the heels of that she suddenly felt self-conscious and lifted a hand to her head.

  In a few quick steps, Rob was at her side and he gently pulled her hand down to hold in his own. “No, none of that. You don’t get to be self-conscious in here… not in our bedroom, and not with me. In here we’re both stripped bare to one another…in whatever form that takes.”

  “I love you, Roberto. Well, just that… I love you.”

  Palming her cheek with his free hand, Rob pressed a kiss to the now exposed skin of Jillian’s head. The short stubble tickled his upper lip, and he smiled as he drew back.

  “I love you too, Jillian. Let’s get into bed.”

  Once they were settled under the covers with Jillian’s back pressed against Rob’s front, she closed her eyes as the ever-present fatigue shifted through her body. Emotionally spent, she sighed as she closed her eyes and snuggled closer to Rob’s much bigger body. His skin was always so warm, and these days it seemed like she was always cold.

  The last thing she heard before drifting off to sleep was Rob’s voice saying, “I’ve got you…go to sleep, babe.” And the last thing Jillian felt was the press of Rob’s lips against the unfamiliar stubble now covering her head.

  Courage.

  Determination.

  Strength.

  That’s what little girls are made of.

  -Unknown

  Chapter Sixteen

  “You did what, Roberto?”

  The sound of his sister’s voice came through loud and clear on his Bluetooth system, and Rob winced at the shock and disbelief in her tone. With a shrug that Carli obviously couldn’t see, Rob changed lanes before answering.

  “I shaved Jillian’s hair off a few nights ago,” said Rob. “She wanted it, and I knew it would be easier for me to just do it.”

  “She wanted it? What happened, Rob? You’re leaving something out, and I can hear it in your voice,” accused his sister. That was the problem with having an older sister who knew him so well…she had the uncanny ability of being able to hear what he wasn’t saying.

  “She was in the bathroom, Carli. I heard her calling my name, and she was upset. When I got to the bathroom she was standing there holding her brush and it was full of hair. There were strands on the vanity, and it was obvious what was happening,” explained Rob as he slowed for downtown traffic.

  “Oh, poor Jillian,” said Carli, her voice revealing just how much it hurt her that her best friend was hurting. “Why didn’t you call me, Rob? I would’ve tried to come over…done something…to help.”

  “Carli, it was okay. And besides, your hands are pretty full now with three girls to take care of,” reasoned Rob.

  Blowing out a breath, Carli looked around her family room and smiled as she watched the twins playing with Angelina. The girls were thrilled to have their friend with them, and Pilar was even trying to say a variation of Angelina’s name. She’d said something that sounded like “Lina” a few times, and each time Angelina had giggled at Pilar’s efforts.

  “Yes, it’s quite busy around here these days,” admitted Carli.

  “How’s Angelina doing? I hated that I couldn’t make it to the funeral mass for Martina, but Jillian was having a rough time that day,” offered Rob by way
of explanation for his absence.

  “Oh, please, don’t even try to explain, Rob. I know you would’ve been there if at all possible. You and Jillian both for that matter. And to answer your question, Angelina is doing better than we expected.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, she doesn’t ask for her M-a-m-a as often, and she’s sleeping better at night. We bought a sweet little day bed and put it in the room with the girls, so she’s sleeping in there. We’ve been up with her a few times during the night, but last night we made it through to this morning without any problems,” said Carli

  “That’s great, Carli. Any news on who was responsible for Martina’s death?” asked Rob.

  “Not yet. However, Aiden and his partner, R.T., were here again yesterday to tell us they’ve made some progress. He didn’t go into details, but apparently Julio is mixed up in some pretty serious stuff despite the fact that the cretin is locked up,” said Carli with disdain in her voice.

  She hated speaking his name out loud, but sometimes is was unavoidable. Aiden had shared that they were closer to tracking down the two men who’d visited Julio in prison just days before Martina’s death. Whether the two had anything to do with the drive-by shooting that had cut the young woman’s life too short wasn’t known yet, but Carli had gotten the feeling that the two detectives believed they had.

  “In the meantime we’re just waiting for our court date to go before the judge regarding the guardianship,” said Carli nervously.

  Picking up on his sister’s underlying anxiety, Rob pulled into his parking space at work and killed the engine. It was obvious that Carli was worried about something, and he was only too willing to listen. Guiltily, Rob realized it felt good to focus on someone else’s problems if just for a short time.

  “Are you and Reid worried about this court appearance? I thought everything was legally in place,” said Rob. He knew that Martina had named Carli as Angelina’s guardian when she’d moved into a women’s shelter, so Rob thought it was all good.