Free Spirit

by Andi Bremner

  An image of Noah appeared in her mind, but she chased it away. There was no it use thinking about him now. It would only remind her of how much she loved him and how much she wanted what he couldn’t give her.

  She just had to face whatever was coming at her alone.

  ****

  “I don’t want you to panic,” the doctor said just a few short hours later, “but the results indicate that the cancer has returned.”

  Juliette stared at him as he began to talk about platelets, blood counts, chemotherapy, radiation, oncologists, treatment rates, hospitals, and everything she didn’t want to hear. In her mind she was taken back in time to that moment years ago, when she’d heard the exact same words, when she heard the exact same diagnosis. She’d been a child then, barely a teenager and not only unable to completely comprehend the gravity of the situation but terrified and alone. Just as she was now.

  “Is there anyone you need to call?” the doctor was saying.

  She hesitated. Noah. She wanted to call Noah, she wanted to feel his arms around her, wanted to bury her face in his chest and let him hold her as she cried. She wanted him to save her, to protect her, to be with her. But then she remembered the words he’d said to her. She was just a girl he was fucking. And now she wasn’t even that anymore. No. She couldn’t call Noah.

  There was Bethany. But Bethany had her own life in Lexington, and Juliette couldn’t ask her to give that up and she couldn’t go back either.

  “No.”

  “What about your mom?” he asked kindly.

  “No.” She probably would tell her mom at some stage, but she wasn’t prepared for that yet. That was a conversation that she needed to be prepared for, and she wasn’t prepared just yet.

  “I’ve made an appointment for you to meet with Dr. Nelson,” the doctor was saying. “He’s an oncologist over at Mount Royal Hospital, one of the best there, and is willing to take on your case. You don’t have insurance, do you?”

  She shook her head. Toby hadn’t offered that as part of her employment, and she couldn’t afford to take out insurance on her own. Her medical past meant that the premiums were way more than she could ever afford.

  Juliette left there a little later feeling dazed, confused, and overwhelmed. She stood outside the doctor’s surgery by her car for the longest time, staring at the paperwork, brochures, and booklets the doctor had thrust into her hand. There were referrals for more tests, referrals to Dr. Nelson, a prescription for something, information on support groups, information on leukemia and timetables for yoga and meditation classes. She simply stood there.

  “Juliette?”

  Glancing up she noted Doug walking down the sidewalk towards her. He was frowning, taking in her obvious distressed demeanor. “Juliette, are you okay?”

  “I’m—I’m…” She paused, looking up at him. “I’m not sure.”

  Doug frowned and looked at the paperwork in her hand. “Support group for cancer? Who has cancer?”

  Juliette stared at him but couldn’t find the words to speak. She was still in too much shock, too overwhelmed and stunned and too desperately frightened to utter a word.

  Realization slowly washed over Doug, and he swore, running a hand through his hair. “Fuck. You have cancer?”

  “I think so,” she whispered, “No. I do. I have cancer. It’s come back.”

  “Come back?”

  “I had leukemia years ago,” she told him, “but it went away. They said it wouldn’t come back. But it has.”

  “Shit, Juliette…”

  Suddenly Doug wrapped his arms around her and yanked her to him, holding her close. Juliette clung to him, pressing her head into his chest and clinging to him as if would solve all her problems as if he would take the cancer in her blood away.

  They stood like that for a long moment on the sidewalk, wrapped in each other’s arms until Juliette pulled away. Wiping her eyes and offering Doug a small, grateful smile.

  “Where’s Daniels?” Doug asked. “He should be here with you.”

  She shook her head. “No. We aren’t—we aren’t together anymore.”

  “What are you talking about? Just yesterday I asked you about him and you lit up like a fucking Christmas tree,” he told her. “What happened?”

  “I’m not entirely sure. But it’s over. Noah ended it.”

  “Fucking idiot,” Doug muttered. “Can’t believe he’d do that. Does he know? About this?”

  “No,” she told him quietly. “He didn’t break up with me just because I’m sick. He doesn’t know. And I don’t want him to know.” She grabbed Doug’s arm, staring up at him. “Please don’t tell anyone about this. Not yet. I need time to think.”

  “Juliette, I know the guy can be a dick, but he’s in love with you,” Doug replied. “I mean he might be stupid and he might not realize it yet, but he’s in love with you. You should tell him. You need him.”

  She shook her head. “No. If you heard … if you heard what he said to me then you would know how wrong you are. Noah is not in love with me.” She felt the tears begin to build again as she remembered the words he’d said to her; the way he’d looked at her… No. He was not in love with her. He’d made that much very clear.

  Doug stared at her long and hard. Juliette could see that he struggled internally and needed to make sure he understood that Noah wasn’t to know. She didn’t want him feeling sorry for her, she didn’t want him feeling guilty, and she most certainly didn’t want him in her life now. She had other things to think about and focus on.

  “Doug, you have to promise you won’t tell him.”

  “Sure, yeah, it’s not like we are best buddies or anything,” he grumbled, “and, Juliette, I meant what I said yesterday. Anything. You need anything, you ask.”

  “Thank you. Thank you so much for being my friend.”

  He pulled her back into his arms. “Sure.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Noah

  Noah frowned when he opened the door to find Doug Houghton on his doorstep. Behind him Loops was going mental and he had a good mind to stand aside and let her bite him.

  “What the fuck do you want?” He glared at Doug.

  “Nice to see you, too, Daniels,” Doug replied. “Just thought I’d drop by and see how my old mate is going.”

  “I’m fine, now fuck off.” He made to close the door, but Doug stuck his foot in and jarred it. “What do you want, Doug? Come to tell me how great it is hooking up with Juliette? If that’s what you want to say, then save your breath. I already know what a great fuck she is.”

  “If I didn’t think you were a fucking idiot I would take you out right here and now for saying such shit about her,” Doug informed him curtly, “but you are obviously a dumb fuck, and I make it a rule never to hit people stupider than myself.”

  “Wonder you ever find anyone to punch.”

  “Look, I don’t know what you think is going on here or why you’re being such a dick to Juliette, but you should know…” His voice trailed off, and he stopped himself as if doubting what he was about to say.

  “Know what?”

  “Know that she’s a great chick. An awesome chick and you’re letting go possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  “I already had the best thing that happened to me. And her name was Charlotte, not Juliette.”

  “Did you tell her that?” Doug asked with surprise. “Did you say that to Juliette?”

  “She knew the score. She knew there was no future for us.”

  “And I’m guessing you told her that, too,” Doug growled.

  “What do you want, Houghton? What goes on between me and Juliette is none of your fucking concern, and what goes on between you and Juliette is none of mine. I made no demands on her, and she is free to screw who she pleases. If that happens to be you, then good luck to her.”

  Doug shook his head. “You really are stupid. You think Charlotte would want you sitting around moping and chasing away the best thi
ng that ever happened to you? You think she wants you to be like this? That she wouldn’t want you to be happy?”

  “Don’t ever presume to tell me what Charlotte would want,” Noah said, his voice low and warning.

  Doug glared at him for a long moment before choosing his words carefully. “When are you going to get over it? It happened years ago, and it happened once. Once! We were young, and you and Charlotte were broken up. How long are you going to hold it against me?”

  “I’m warning you, Houghton,” Noah said, his throat catching.

  “God, Noah, do you think I would have done that to you if I’d known how much you cared about her?” Doug continued, ignoring Noah’s warning, “We were best friends, and you’d been out with her for what? A month? Then you broke up. You were broken up, and we were drunk… God, how many times do I have to explain it?”

  “You don’t have to explain.” Noah didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to remember that time years ago when Charlotte, the girl he’d loved, had broken his heart with his best friend.

  “Yeah well, I think I do,” Doug said, “and believe me when I say that I wish it had never happened. I wished to God I could turn back in time and change everything, but I can’t. But you have to know that I would never do anything like that on purpose.”

  “Oh really?” Noah said, his voice loaded with sarcasm. An image of Juliette and Doug in his car appeared in his mind, and he felt ill. “So why was she in your car?”

  “Juliette and I are friends,” Doug said, his voice low. “Nothing more. She liked my car, and I let her take it for a spin. Jesus Christ, Noah! It was a fucking car ride, and you’re making out like a jealous fuck who can’t stand another guy being near her. Juliette is in love with you, although God knows why when you’ve been such an asshole to her.”

  “I’m warning you, Houghton…” Noah had nearly had enough of Doug and was fast running out patience.

  Doug shrugged. “I just came by to knock some sense into you. To make you see what you’re giving up, but you’re obviously too blind to even see.”

  Noah glared at him for a long moment before he slammed the door, shutting off Doug and all conversation. Standing inside the house Noah stared at the door long and hard, and it was only when he heard Doug’s footsteps on the path and then the sound of his car engine starting that he released the breath he’d been holding.

  Bracing one hand on the door he chased away all the images that were crowding in his head. Juliette. Curled against him in bed. Standing by the window and staring out at the ocean as if it were the greatest thing she’d ever seen. Looking up at him, her head tilted back, her eyes wide and her lips wet as if he were the greatest thing she’d ever seen.

  It’d been only a few days since he’d seen her, since he’d pushed her out of his life and he felt as if it were a lifetime. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried not to think of the last time he’d seen her, the hurt in her face, the sadness and shock. He’d been cruel, but then, he told himself, she’d been cruel, too.

  It had been an awful day, a day that started and ended with a nightmare. His mom’s words had weighed heavily on him, as did his own feelings for Juliette that he knew were getting out of control. He had to make a decision, only he didn’t have any idea what that decision might be.

  And then Kelly had come to visit.

  Over the years, Noah had tried to avoid being alone with Kelly as much as possible. He knew she had a crush on him, had had a crush on him even before he’d hooked up with Charlotte, and during their breakups Kelly had been there on the sidelines, waiting. Back then he’d never taken her up on her many, many offers to comfort him, not wanting to muddy the waters with her. They shared a friendship group, they were friends, and he didn’t want to make things awkward. Kelly, though, obviously had other ideas. When Charlotte died she was there for him, always cooking for him, doing his laundry and cleaning his house. He’d tried to set boundaries, but he was too tired, too exhausted with grief, and one time, just once, overwhelmed with the need to connect on another level to someone again, he’d gone to bed with her.

  He’d known instantly it was a mistake. He knew he shouldn’t have let it get that far, and he worked harder to put distance between them, put some boundaries. There was no point leading Kelly on, making her think there was something there when there never could be. He knew he’d hurt her, but, he reasoned, it was better to hurt her earlier when her feelings were still fresh, than later.

  “Kelly, what can I do for you?” he’d asked easily, sliding behind his work bench.

  “I came to see you. I saw something and knew straight away I had to tell you.”

  “And what would that be?” He was tired, exhausted from the dream that had interrupted his sleep, and the emotions that usually accompanied Charlotte’s anniversary. Kelly, though, seemed oblivious to this, as she shoved her phone in his face.

  Instantly Noah wished he could unsee it. But he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t unsee Juliette in Doug’s car, the top down, her hair blowing in the wind and a delighted grin spread across her face. He knew that smile. He put it there on daily basis, and as far as he was concerned it belonged to him. Not Doug Houghton.

  “What is this?”

  “I saw them. He picked her up from work and they went out.”

  “She’s a mechanic. She was probably working on his car.” He handed the phone back to her.

  “His car doesn’t look broken to me,” Kelly remarked. “Noah, I did some digging…”

  “You had no business.”

  “Noah, I’m worried about you. We’re all worried about you. Since this girl came along you haven’t been the same. You don’t seem to be thinking clearly.”

  “This girl has a name,” he’d said, struggling to keep his voice neutral, “and her name is Juliette.”

  “That’s right. She has a name. Juliette. Juliette Reynolds. And she has a string of ex boyfriends from state to state. She never stays anywhere more than a few months, and then she just takes off. I spoke to one of her old boyfriends…”

  “What the hell, Kelly?” Noah had roared. “You had no right to do that!”

  “Like I said I did it because I’m your friend,” she retorted, “and you have to hear me out. I found a guy she used to date, in Arizona, and he said she stole from him. Stole his car. That’s grand theft auto, Noah.”

  “And he reported it? To the police?” he asked. This was shit, and he knew it. Kelly was jealous and trying to stir up trouble.

  “No, he didn’t bother because he knew she’d be across state lines and then gone.” Kelly paused, coming closer, too close, and tilting her head up to stare up into his eyes, “Noah, I don’t want to see you get hurt. Not again. Juliette is a con artist. She’s conning you, and she’s keeping Doug on the sidelines.”

  “Kelly, you need to go.”

  “Noah…”

  “Now!” He’d roared so forcefully that she’d jumped before muttering something about being his friend and scuttling out of the workshop.

  Noah hadn’t wanted to give any weight to Kelly’s accusations, recognizing them for what they were, just plain old jealousy. But still, the words had weighed on his mind all day as he worked and mingled with the guilt he was already feeling. Maybe Kelly was right, and being with Juliette, opening himself up to her, making himself vulnerable and risking his heart once more was dangerous.

  Then there were the photos and the story of Juliette and Doug. Try as he might he didn’t want to believe she had anything going with Houghton. He didn’t believe Juliette capable of such deceit, but Doug…

  By the time he’d gotten home his nerves were fraught and he didn’t know what to think. Then she was there, and she was singing and cooking and looking so fucking beautiful and happy and alive that he’d felt a surge of guilt that he’d ever doubted her.

  Then he’d seen the photo. The photo of the two of them looking happy, in love and together.

  It wasn’t fair. It was never meant to be him and Ju
liette. It was meant to be him and Charlotte. It had always been him and Charlotte. It was Charlotte he was supposed to imagine a future with, it was Charlotte who was supposed to make him happy, making his stomach lurch on sight, make his dick twitch. It was Charlotte who was supposed to be waiting for him at home, in the kitchen, their kitchen, cooking for him.

  Irrational anger had surged through Noah. He knew he’d said things to cut Juliette, to hurt her and chase her away, but he couldn’t help himself. He was only telling her the truth, or so he told himself whenever he thought about it. There was no future for them, and she was starting to act as if there was. There was no way he could love her, make room for her in his damaged heart, and the sooner she knew it, believed it, the better. So he’d made sure she’d believed it.

  But now, staring at the door after Doug he wondered if he’d gone too far. Had he hurt her too much? Had he pushed her into Doug’s arms? Doug had said they were nothing but friends, but Noah knew better than to believe anything he said. Years ago he’d betrayed him then, too, with Charlotte, and he didn’t put it past Doug to do it again. Why he’d bothered turning up that day, spouting that they were just friends he didn’t understand. If Doug wanted her so bad, why wasn’t he with her now that Noah had let her go?

  And if he needed further proof that Doug wanted her then just that day he’d seen them.

  He’d been coming back from a morning surf and had taken the long way home, wanting to avoid the workshop and his mom’s house and had seen Juliette and Doug on the sidewalk in full view of everyone, their arms wrapped around each other.

  It had taken her less than twenty-four hours to find another guy to warm his spot in her bed. But what did he expect? He told himself, when he met her she’d just walked out on a yearlong relationship without even telling the guy she was leaving.

  It was just the sort of girl she was, and he, Noah decided, was better off without her.

  Chapter Twenty-Two