Free Spirit

by Andi Bremner

  Juliette

  “Are you sure you have to leave?” Renee said for the hundredth time. “You’re welcome to stay for as long as you like.”

  Juliette smiled at Renee. “I know. But this is for the best. I think the more I remove myself from Noah’s life the better it will be for him.”

  “Noah’s confused, Juliette,” Renee said. “He doesn’t know what he wants, and he’s scared. Just give him a little time…”

  “Honestly, it’s fine, Renee,” she said, turning to face the woman she’d become so fond of. “And trust me when I say that Noah knows exactly what he wants, and it isn’t me.”

  She turned back to her suitcase, zipping it up. The rest of her things were in her car already, and it was just one last case to shift. She cast her eyes over the pretty room she’d called home for the last few weeks, feeling wistful. Really, Juliette should be used to moving by now, she’d done it so often, but this time was harder. For the first time she’d started to feel as if she were building a home, setting down roots, and whilst she’d still be living in Myrtle Beach, she felt as if her life had done a 360 in the last week.

  “Juliette, I don’t know what happened between you and Noah, and it really isn’t any of my business,” Renee said. “I mean he’s my son and all, but he’s a grown man and capable of making his own stupid mistakes. But I want to say thank you.”

  “Thank you?”

  “For bringing him back to life,” she said, her eyes beginning to well. “From the moment you walked into our world he’s been a different person. For the first time in a long time I can see a spark of hope in his eyes. I never thought I’d see him get back in the water, never mind fall in love again.”

  Juliette inhaled sharply, but Renee wasn’t finished.

  “And despite whatever he said, whatever he’s done, he does love you. He loves you desperately, and without saying anything negative about what he had with Charlotte I need to tell you that I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. So, thank you.”

  Juliette hoisted her suitcase up and headed out. Renee’s words rattled around in her head, and she wanted desperately to believe that they were true. That Noah loved her. But it was wishful thinking, and the rational part of her knew that if he did indeed love her, like Renee said he did, then he would never have let her go. He would never have said those hurtful things to her. “I really care about Noah, and I wish him nothing but the best.”

  Renee followed her down to her car quietly.

  “Oh!” Juliette cried and then quickly retrieved something from the front seat of her car. “I nearly forgot. These are for Ryan.”

  “Oreos?”

  “Yeah, a parting gift from me.”

  “Okay,” Renee looked up at her. “Don’t be a stranger, Juliette. Pop around whenever you feel like it. I’ll miss your bright, sparkly personality lighting up the house.”

  “Thank you, Renee, I will.”

  “And don’t hate on Noah,” Renee begged, “please. He’ll come to his senses and realize what he’s lost sooner than you know.”

  Juliette nodded but didn’t reply as she climbed into her car and drove away. She was humbled by Renee’s words and by the hope in Renee’s voice, but she knew there was no point in it all. Noah had made his decision. He’d turned his back on her when she needed him, not that he even knew that she needed him.

  Juliette wiped at a tear on her cheek as she thought about what lay ahead for her. She had bigger things to worry about than a broken heart. She had her life to fight for.

  ****

  “Are you sure you don’t mind me moving in?” Juliette asked for the hundredth time as Doug carried her suitcases down to the spare room.

  “No,” Ava assured her, “it is absolutely fine. As long as you don’t mind Mike spending quite a bit of time here as well.”

  “I promise to keep out of your way,” Juliette assured her.

  “No need for that. It will be nice to have some female company. You know, some girl talk late at night over a few glasses of red wine.”

  “Looking forward to it!” Juliette replied warmly just as Ava’s face paled.

  “Oh, I mean can you drink wine? Is that allowed?”

  Juliette squeezed her hand. “I can do whatever I want,” she assured her. “I’m not broken.”

  In moving in with Ava Juliette felt it was only right that she share her current situation with her. After all, she was going to be sick and she was probably going to be a fairly lousy roommate for the foreseeable future, and Ava needed to know what she was getting herself into having Juliette as a roommate. With that in mind Juliette had insisted on paying six months’ rent in advance. Ava had refused to accept it at first, but Juliette had insisted, stating that with everything going on she’d feel better knowing that no matter what she wasn’t going to find herself homeless. She wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to work for, but she needed to know she had a place to sleep at night.

  “And I will let you know in advance if Noah is coming over,” Ava had assured her.

  “Thank you.”

  It had been two weeks since she’d last seen Noah, two weeks since he’d broken her heart and ended their relationship. She missed him, she missed him dreadfully, but truthfully, she had been too busy to dwell on their failed relationship too much. And besides, she didn’t regret one instant of it. She’d fallen in love, fallen in love like she never had before, and she relished the memories they’d created. Not everyone got to feel what she did even once in their lifetime, so she counted herself lucky that she had.

  “What did Toby say?” Ava asked, following Juliette and Doug down to the spare room that Juliette now called home.

  “He was great. He said I could take as much time off as I needed,” she replied, “and I’d always have a job to come back to.” She was truly humbled by how great her new friends were being. She’d only known them a little while, and they had rallied around her in her time of need like nothing she’d ever known before. Ava, Doug, Toby. They were better than any family could’ve been.

  “Do you need me to drive you? Tomorrow?”

  “It’s good,” Doug said in reply. “I got it.”

  Ava stared at Doug for a long moment before flicking her gaze back to Juliette. “Okay, well if there is anything I can do…”

  “Yes,” Juliette said, her face breaking out into a big smile. “There is something I have been wanting to ask you. I mean, we’ve mentioned doing it before, maybe not so drastically, but now that I am starting chemo…”

  Ava frowned, not following her. “Yeah?”

  “Well,” Juliette picked up the long braid which hung over her shoulder, “I start chemo tomorrow, and my hair … well, my hair is going to fall out.”

  “Juliette.” Doug’s voice echoed around the room.

  Juliette swallowed over the lump in her throat. “I’ve been down this road before, and believe me when I tell you it’s not nice when it starts to fall out. It’s in the shower, it’s on the pillowcase in the morning… I just hate it.”

  “You want me to cut your hair?” Ava asked.

  “I want you to shave my head.”

  “Juliette…” It was Doug again, moving towards her. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

  She forced a tight smile to her face as she nodded. “Yes. I’m ready. It’s just hair. Hair that will grow back in no time.”

  Ava nodded. “I can do it. I mean, if you’re sure…”

  Juliette nodded. She remembered too well when her hair had begun to fall out before, it was terrifying, more terrifying than the chemo or the diagnosis or anything. And it made her feel as if she really was sick, as if her body really was failing her. This way, this way she had some control over what happened to her. This way, she made her own decision and didn’t let the cancer or chemo make them for her.

  Ava poured her a shot of tequila before she got started. When the first long strands began to fall around her feet Juliette asked for another shot, and by
the time her head was completely bald forty-five minutes later she was half drunk and they were laughing and crying at the same time.

  “You know,” Ava was saying, “you have a great shape to your head.”

  Juliette giggled, running a hand over her shorn head. “Why thank you! I think that might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing,” Ava said. “Not many people can pull off the bald look and still look beautiful.”

  Juliette squeezed her friends hand, tear pricking her eyes. “Thank you, Ava. Thank you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Juliette

  Doug drove her to her chemotherapy session the next day and stayed with her, sitting in the chair beside her, his lap top open as he worked whilst the chemotherapy travelled into her body. Then later, he drove her home and helped her into bed. Slowly, over time, Juliette fell into a routine.

  For the first few days following a chemotherapy session Juliette was ill. Then slowly she began to feel better, and by the time the next session came around a week later she was almost back to feeling her normal self only for it to start all over again. Her doctor, the very kind Dr. Nelson, had explained her options to her. The leukemia had come back and they needed to treat her aggressively this time, more aggressively than they had before. Her best chance was a bone marrow transplant, and he’d already placed her on the registry. In the meantime, while they waited for a match, they’d use chemo.

  Her weight dropped, and her face grew thinner and paler. Then her eyelashes and her eyebrows fell out, too, and she felt bare, exposed, and sick whenever she looked at herself in the mirror.

  “But right now, you’re alive and you’re happy,” she’d tell her reflection, reciting one of her oft repeated mantras. Only she was finding it harder and harder to believe it, and telling herself made her think of Noah, and the time they’d shared. She’d been happy then, happier than she’d ever been before, and she missed him dreadfully. When Doug sat by her through her chemotherapy sessions she couldn’t help but wish it was Noah, and when she lay alone in her bed at night, scared and frightened by what the future might or might not bring, she wished he was there to wrap her in his arms and protect her.

  At the same time though, she couldn’t help but feel it was a blessing that he’d broken with her before her official diagnosis. Noah was already broken, already grieving one woman. It wouldn’t be fair to put him through this with her. He deserved happiness in his life, not … this.

  And she didn’t need a man who would run at the first hurdle. She needed a man in her life who trusted and believed in her. There were bigger things to worry about than petty jealousies and photographs on the fridge. Noah had made his choice, and she could not help but be somewhat grateful for the decision, even it had left her heartbroken.

  And besides, she didn’t need Noah. She had her friends.

  Toby was great and gave her plenty of time off work to get treatment, and Doug and Ava alternated between driving her to her weekly sessions. Afterwards one of them was always there with her, nursing her while she was sick, or just sitting beside her as she slept. The first time she’d gone through treatment she’d been alone. Her foster family at the time hadn’t been able to cope and she’d spent the entire time in hospital. Alone. Well, not entirely alone, she reminded herself. There were the nurses and the doctors and the other patients. And of course there was Claudia. But this was different. Now, she had friends, people who really cared about her and she would be forever grateful to them. It was during the third week of treatment that Renee and Ryan came to visit.

  Ava let them in, coming down to Juliette’s bedroom to let her know she had visitors.

  “Tell Doug I’m asleep,” she mumbled. “I’ll call him tomorrow.”

  “It’s Renee and Ryan,” Ava said, and Juliette had opened her eyes, staring at her friend. “If you want me to tell them to go away…”

  “No,” Juliette told her with a sigh, sitting up. “It’s only a matter of time.”

  She pulled a scarf around her head and then quickly rubbed some rouge onto her face hoping that would hide her illness a little even though she knew it was impossible. As she stared at herself in the mirror she saw nothing but sickness, nothing but a cancer victim. Weeks ago, she’d been able to shrug away her symptoms as tiredness or low iron, but there was no hiding what she was going through now. A fact that was only confirmed when she walked into the living room.

  Ryan and Renee were perched on Ava’s settee chatting with Ava, who discreetly made herself scarce as soon as Juliette appeared.

  Renee was immediately on her feet, her face stricken as she took in Juliette’s gaunt appearance. “Oh Juliette…”

  Juliette managed a tight smile and let the woman pull her in for a hug.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call?”

  Juliette shook her head, shaking off her concern. “There was no need. Honestly, Renee, it’s not as bad as it looks.”

  “What’s going on?” Ryan asked, looking between his mother and Juliette. “Why’d you shave your head?”

  “It’s nothing really.” Juliette smiled at him.

  “Oh shit,” he blurted as soon as he understood. “You’ve got cancer. Does Noah know?”

  “Noah doesn’t know,” Renee answered. “Does he, Juliette?”

  “No. He doesn’t know.”

  “You need to tell him,” Ryan continued. “He’d be here a minute if he thought you were sick. God, you should see him. He’s a total mess. He made a huge mistake letting you go. Just tell him you’ve got cancer and he’ll be back.”

  Renee whacked her younger son on the head. “Ryan!”

  Juliette leveled her gaze on Ryan. “I’m sorry to hear he’s not doing very well. But believe me when I say, Ryan, that I don’t want Noah back.”

  And it was the truth. A few weeks ago, when they’d first broken up she might have forgiven him for his hurtful words, might have welcomed him back into her life simply because of who she was and because she loved him so very much. But now, everything had changed. Now she was going through hell, and she had other things to think about other than her broken heart and the damaged man who’d caused it.

  “So, you with Houghton?” he said, his voice full of accusation.

  “How about,” Renee said, intervening, “we take a seat. Juliette, can I get you anything?”

  “No, and I should be the one offering you something,” Juliette replied. “You’re in my house.”

  “I could do with some Oreo cookies,” Ryan said suddenly, his voice loaded, “but maybe not ones filled with toothpaste.”

  Despite herself Juliette couldn’t help but giggle remembering her parting gift to Ryan a few weeks ago. Despite being so tired, so overwhelmed and exhausted, she’d found a perverse pleasure in carefully replacing all the cream inside the Oreos with toothpaste before repackaging the cookies. It was a shame, she mused, that she didn’t get to see him eat them, but it still brought a smile to her face.

  Renee gave them a quizzical look, not quite understanding before she turned to Juliette, her face drawn up and serious once more.

  Juliette recognized that look, and knew that Renee had things to say and questions to ask. Things that had nothing to do with the practical joke she’d played on her younger son, but more to do with the secret she was shielding her older son from.

  “So…” Juliette began, prompting the older woman to begin.

  “How long have you known?” Renee asked.

  “I found out just after Noah and I broke up,” she answered. In truth, it’d been just two days later when the results had come back to the doctor’s office who’d called her and said she’d needed to come in immediately. Juliette had been just finishing up at work, had stripped off her overalls and planned on taking a long walk along the beach to try to clear her mind of Noah. The call from the doctor’s office had changed everything.

  “Is that why you moved out? You know you didn’t need
to.”

  “I couldn’t stay.”

  “And what is the treatment?”

  Juliette drew in a long breath and settled in to answer, telling Renee the same thing she’d told Ava, Doug, and Toby. “The leukemia returned. It’s a little more aggressive this time, so I’ll need a bone marrow transplant. In the meantime, we’re using chemotherapy to keep it at bay.”

  “How many treatments?”

  “I’ve got seven for the moment and then a break. I’m into my third so only four left!” She tried to keep voice light and optimistic but knew she failed. There was hardly a way to say she was having lifesaving treatment, having poison pumped through her veins on a weekly basis and sound upbeat.

  Renee nodded. “Juliette…”

  “If you are going to tell me how terrible Noah is doing then you don’t need to. I’ve already heard how much he’s suffering for whatever reason. But I didn’t walk away from him, I didn’t push him away. He was the one who didn’t want me. He was the one who walked away from me.”

  “Noah doesn’t know what he wants. He didn’t understand that he deserves to be happy, too.”

  Juliette looked at her fingers interlaced on her lap. “Like I said, we make our own choices.”

  “You love Noah.”

  “Yeah, I did. And I thought we had something special. I mean, I knew he could never love me, I knew he could never promise me a future. I crossed a line, I get it.”

  Renee shook her head. “Noah is a fool. He’s a scared, stupid fool, but I think he’s beginning to get it now. Juliette, he should be here with you. He should be by your side as you’re going through this.”

  “You know maybe this was for the best,” Juliette said. “I mean, you warned me that Noah couldn’t take anymore loss. And I’m pretty sick, my prognosis is … well. Maybe it was for the best that we broke up, before Noah and I were too serious, before he was in too deep.”

  “He was already in too deep,” Renee said. “That was probably what pushed him over the edge. When he realized he was in love with you.”

  “Renee…”