Free Spirit

by Andi Bremner

  “Call him, Juliette.”

  “No.”

  “If he knew…”

  “I don’t need him to know,” Juliette interrupted. “I don’t want him to know. I am doing just fine. I’ve got plenty of people around who are helping me.”

  “Doug,” Ryan grumbled.

  “Yes.” Juliette leveled her gaze on him. “Doug has been great. From the moment I was diagnosed he’s been nothing but the best friend I could ask for. He drives me to my treatments, he sits by my bedside while I have the chemo, and then he drives me home and sits by my bed whilst I’m sick. Noah…” Her voice caught on his name. “Noah couldn’t even handle me making dinner for him. Noah couldn’t even handle a photograph of us together. How do you think Noah will handle me being sick?”

  Renee and Ryan were quiet, staring at her and considering her words.

  “So now Noah is free,” she continued. “He didn’t want me, and I don’t need him. I wish him all the best and I hope we can be friends one day, but … I’ve got other things to worry about right now than how Noah is doing.”

  Renee stood up. “I get it, Juliette, and I understand. But please don’t give up on him.”

  Juliette sighed, exhausted from the conversation. “You seem to be under the impression that I gave up on Noah. I never did. He was the one who gave up on me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Noah

  Noah looked up with surprise to see Ryan walking towards him, his gaze fixed level on him as he maneuvered his way through the machinery in the workshop. He watched, puzzled by the odd expression on his brother’s face and squared himself when he got closer.

  “Wha—”

  He didn’t have time to finish his question before Ryan’s fist landed square on his jaw, sending him staggering backwards. Shocked, he rubbed his mouth, noting the red blood on his hand when he pulled his hand away.

  “What the fuck, Ryan?” he exploded.

  “You are a fucking idiot!” Ryan yelled. “And you deserve more than just a punch to the face.”

  “You better watch it, boy, you know I can still take you dow—”

  “Oh? You gonna try and hurt me, too?” Ryan yelled. “You gonna try and make everyone hurt like you’ve been hurt? Is that your plan for life, Noah? To just keep pushing people away but not just pushing them away, making sure they hurt as much as you’ve been hurt?”

  “Is this about Juliette?”

  “Yeah, this is about Juliette,” Ryan sneered, “and Charlotte. And this is about you having your head so far up your own fucking ass that you can’t see what is right in front of you. Did you ever really look at Juliette? Did you ever realize how fucking lucky you are? That girl is a godsend. She’s beautiful, and amazing, and you just couldn’t handle it, could you? You had to squash all of that out of her. You had to make her as miserable as you are.”

  Noah frowned. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

  “No. You don’t know. You don’t get it. What did you say to her?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Did you tell her that you didn’t want her? Did you tell her that you didn’t love her? Did you lie? Did you tell her that you loved Charlotte? Did you compare her to Charlotte? Fuck, you compared her to Charlotte, didn’t you?” Ryan guessed, his face paling. “And you said things to make her feel like shit, to make her hate you. You compared her to Charlotte and found Juliette lacking? Seriously? Seriously?”

  “Ryan, I am warning you…” Noah scowled, his voice low and grumbling.

  “What are you going to do? Push me away, too. Fuck. I wish I could…” Ryan swore under his breath and turned away.

  “You wish you could what? Hit me again? Say whatever shit is on your mind?” Noah muttered. “You’ve already done that.”

  “I wish I could make you see sense.”

  “You need to get out of my shop. Now.”

  Ryan turned to go but at the door he paused, turning back to Noah. “You need to wake the fuck up, Noah, and fix this before it’s too late. And believe me, it might already be too late.”

  Noah dived into the ocean and swam down and down, enjoying the feel of the cold water rushing over his body, the resistance causing his muscles to contract. A few moments later he resurfaced, the warm sun on his face. He tried to put Ryan’s words out of his head, not wanting to think about how angry his brother was but failing miserably.

  He was starting to think that Ryan was right. Not just Ryan but his mom, too. And then there were Doug Houghton and Ava—she’d had a go at him, too, and been distant since he’d broken up with Juliette. He knew Juliette was living with Ava and had blamed Ava’s attitude on girl talk, but now that Ryan had joined the ranks of the pro-Juliette…

  Well, Noah had to admit that he missed Juliette. Not only did he miss her but he ached for her. She was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. In his shower sat her strawberry scented shampoo, in his room there was one of her shirts, in his fridge were her little pots of fruit and yoghurt. Whenever he went near the water he thought of her—remembered their swimming lessons, their ride on the Jet Skis, the first day he pulled her from the water. At night when he climbed into his bed he missed her dreadfully, and his dreams were full of her.

  He had once thought, begged even, for Charlotte to haunt him, but she never had. She’d simply exited her life, leaving nothing but her memories. Juliette though, who was very much alive, was haunting him.

  Right now, he even heard her laughter, tinkling across the ocean to him, as warm as the late afternoon breeze.

  Wait… He scanned the crowded beach until he realized he wasn’t imagining her laughter. He could hear her really laughing.

  There. Not far from where he swam was Juliette. His heart turned in his chest at just seeing her, and it took him a while to take her, to make sense of her and the scene around her. And then his blood ran cold.

  Dressed in a yellow bikini that hung off her slender frame, she was paler and more fragile looking than he remembered. A large, wide brimmed hat sat on her head, and she was talking and laughing with a girl and a guy. The girl, with long red hair, he didn’t recognize, but he knew the guy and his gut seized. Doug Houghton.

  He made his way to the shore his eyes fixed on Juliette and her friends. No, his eyes were firmly fixed on Juliette, and he barely looked at her acquaintances. For a minute, standing on the edge of the water, he thought about walking away. She was happy, laughing and carefree, and she hadn’t seen him. They were bound to run into each other one day if she chose to stay in Myrtle Beach, but maybe today was not that day. If he wanted, he could just turn and walk away and she’d be none the wiser.

  Then she turned, and immediately her eyes landed on him. She saw him.

  Her smile faltered, pausing on her lips, before it completely fell away.

  There was no escaping the moment now. Noah decided he’d just suck up the awkwardness of it, say hello and then go. She obviously wasn’t happy to see him. He could see it in the way her posture stiffened and the wariness that came over her eyes.

  Sucking in a deep breath he closed the short distance between them, keeping his eyes fixed on Juliette, ignoring everyone else.

  Then he was in front of her, right in front of her, looking down on her. She was smaller, paler, and there was something odd…

  “Noah,” she said, her voice tight. “Hello.”

  His eyes roamed over her face. “Hi.” He flicked his gaze over at Doug and gave a firm nod. “Houghton.”

  “Um, this is my friend, Bethany,” Juliette said politely, indicating the redhead, “from Lexington. Beth, this is Noah.”

  Bethany shook his hand, her eyes scrutinizing him. “So. You’re Noah.”

  “I am.” He wondered idly what Bethany had heard about him, what stories Juliette had chosen to share. Were they good ones? The ones where they laughed together, where they took long walks on the beach, swam in the ocean and made love until the sun came up? Or where they the on
es where he told her that he’d never love her, that she was just some girl he was fucking. Even thinking about the words he’d said now made Noah flinch, and although he knew he was right to break up with her, he regretted the hurtful words he’d used.

  Bethany, he soon guessed, must have heard the bad stories because she quickly pulled her hand back and then turned to Doug, all but ignoring Noah. “You said something about ice cream?”

  “Yeah.” Doug turned his attention to Juliette. “Chocolate, right?”

  Juliette nodded and watched as Doug and Bethany ambled off across the sand towards the ice cream stand before turning back to Noah. She let out a heavy sigh, then bent down and picked up a sundress, slipping it over her head. Noah watched as it slid over her slender frame and wondered if she was purposefully covering up in front of him. He’d seen her naked. He’d spent hours exploring every square inch of her, and he knew her intimately. The fact that she wouldn’t want him looking at her now made his stomach turn.

  “So. You and Houghton.”

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but no,” Juliette said, her voice colder than he’d ever heard it. “He’s a good friend though.”

  “Sorry,” Noah said, feeling chastised. “I didn’t mean … and of course you can do whatever you want.”

  “Thanks,” she replied sarcastically.

  “You, um, you look different,” he said peering at her curiously. “Did you cut your hair?” Her hair was tucked up under her hat, but he knew that if it was still long then tendrils would have escaped, but he could see none. She’d mentioned a few times cutting her hair so maybe she’d gone ahead with it.

  “Kind of,” she replied.

  An awkward silence descended around them, and in that instant Noah knew, knew that he’d made a stupid mistake letting her go. No, not just letting her go but pushing her away and making sure she hated him. Not only was it a stupid mistake, he realized, but it might just be the biggest mistake of his life. He was in love with her, and he wanted her back. He wanted her back in every way he could have her back, he wanted her back in his life, in every part of his life. He wanted her singing and cooking bad food in his kitchen, he wanted her swimming in the water with him, he wanted to sit on his mom’s porch and watch the sunset with her, he wanted to take her out for dinner, he wanted her snuggled next to him in his bed, he wanted her body open to him as he made love to her.

  The realization of what he wanted was so real, so tangible that it felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach with it. Felt as if the air was knocked from his lungs. But was there something between her and Doug? He didn’t think so. After all, Doug had showed up on his doorstep telling him what a dick he was, and he hadn’t heard anything about them … plus, just then, he was pretty sure if they were dating Houghton wouldn’t have gone to get ice cream with her friend and left her alone with Noah.

  Perhaps it wasn’t too late.

  “Juliette, do you think…” His voice trailed off, and then he tried again, running a hand through his hair and trying to gather his confidence. “Juliette, do you think we could talk?”

  “We’re talking now,” she replied, her voice smooth and cool.

  “I mean,” he swallowed, “I mean talk. Can I call you? Can I take you out?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “Please, Juliette,” he said, moving closer. He didn’t want to beg, had never considered himself the type of guy that would beg a girl, but he knew he would. When it came to Juliette he’d get down on his knees and beg and plead if that was what it took.

  Suddenly a gust of wind whipped across the sand, stirring it and bringing a few shrieks from beachgoers nearby who rushed to grab their towels, fluttering in the wind. Juliette’s hat was whisked from her head and tumbled a few feet away, rolling over the white sand in a chaotic dance. With a shriek she raced after it and grabbed it up, yanking it on her head. But not before Noah saw.

  Slowly she turned to face him, her eyes big and wide, her lips trembling.

  “Noah…”

  He stared at her, a tumult of emotions running through him. He felt dumbfounded, stupefied, and suddenly terribly, terribly frightened. In that moment, with her bald head on display he’d known, and in that moment, he hated himself more than he’d ever thought possible. When Charlotte died he hadn’t been able to save her, and he blamed himself. But he’d tried. He’d tried desperately to save her, he’d never left her side, never stopped fighting for her even when they said it was too late and she was gone.

  But Juliette … Juliette whom he loved more than anything… He hadn’t fought for her. He hadn’t stayed by her side. He’d given up before they even started. He’d run before he’d needed to fight. He was the biggest coward he knew, more cowardly than he had ever thought he could be.

  “How long?” he asked, his voice quiet.

  “How long do I have left?” she asked, blinking up at him. “The doctors don’t really talk in those terms…”

  He felt like he was going to throw up. “I mean, how long since you got sick again?”

  “Oh. A few weeks.”

  She shifted between her feet. “Look, I know this is probably a big surprise to you, but I thought it would be easier if you didn’t know.”

  “Easier for who? You or me?” He frowned.

  “Well, easier for you. You did what you needed to do, and I know you, Noah, I know you’d feel guilty for breaking up with me right when I was sick. And I didn’t want you to stay with me because I had cancer.”

  “Would you have wanted me to stay because I love you?”

  “But you didn’t, did you? You were very clear in reminding me that you could never love me. That you already loved once.”

  “Juliette, I’m such a—”

  She held up her hand, silencing him. “Don’t go there. Look, I have to go. I have Bethany visiting for the weekend, and I really should get back to her.”

  She picked up her bag, throwing her towel and belongings in it, and not looking at Noah. Noah, for his part, stood helplessly, completely and utterly lost for words.

  “Juliette…” he began and reached to touch her arm.

  She jerked back, and when she looked at him he saw so much pain reflected in her eyes that he flinched as if she’d struck him. “Don’t. Just don’t. What we had was great, but it was never going to last forever. There’s no need to say anymore, and truthfully, Noah, I don’t have the energy. I’m using all my strength these days to battle the cancer in my blood, and I don’t have any left over for you. I’m sorry.”

  “No, Juliette…”

  “I have to go. Take care of yourself okay?”

  And he watched her walk across the sand and out of his life for the second time. Only this time he felt like the biggest idiot going and this time, he was terrified that he might have lost her for good.

  ****

  Juliette

  Juliette found Doug and Bethany in the ice cream shop and accepted the cone Doug handed her silently. They sat outside quietly eating their ice cream in the warm afternoon sun.

  “So,” Bethany said after a long moment. “That was Noah.”

  “That was Noah.”

  “Cute,” she commented. “I mean cute and sexy.”

  Juliette snorted. “Yeah, he’s pretty sexy.”

  “He’s in love with you,” Bethany said quietly. “You can see it in the way he looks at you.”

  “So he said,” Juliette murmured, “but it’s not a proper love. It’s guilt love. And believe me when I say that Noah has more than enough guilt to go around.”

  “He wants you back?”

  Juliette paused. “I’m not sure. I think he feels guilty for breaking up with a sick person, not that he knew I was sick at the time. He’ll get over it.”

  “But you’re in love with him,” Doug said suddenly. “Why don’t you give the stupid fool another chance?”

  Juliette looked at him with surprise. “Are you kidding? Honestly, I wish Noah all the b
est, I really do, and what we had was great … but he didn’t want me. He didn’t want me when I was healthy and when I demanded nothing from him. You think he really wants me now that I am sick? Now that I am needy and demanding? He just feels guilty. And to be honest I don’t have the energy to worry about Noah. He made his choice. He is happy with his memories of Charlotte.”

  Bethany bit her lip and exchanged a look with Doug before she leaned forward. “Just remember we all make mistakes, Juliette. And Noah made a big one in letting you go, one I’m sure he gets now. Just make sure you don’t make a big one in pushing him away just because he hurt you.”

  Juliette nodded, but didn’t reply. She didn’t want to think about Noah. She didn’t have the energy to think about him, and she didn’t want to wish for something, someone that she knew she could never truly have. He already belonged to someone else.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Juliette

  The flowers arrived later that day. A large, monstrosity of pink roses with a handwritten card from Noah saying he was sorry. That was all. He didn’t ask to talk or to see her. He just sent her flowers. Juliette smiled despite herself and arranged them in a vase he found in Ava’s kitchen.

  The next day when Juliette woke up and padded out to the kitchen she opened the fridge door to find it stocked full of fresh fruits and vegetables as well as an array of cold pressed juices. Bethany was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a coffee.

  “Did you do this?” Juliette asked her. “You know you’re only here for the weekend. There was no need.”

  “Not me. Noah.”

  “Noah?” She glanced around but saw no sign of him.

  “He came early this morning,” Bethany explained. “You were still sleeping, and he told me not to wake you. He bought all this and the meals in the freezer, too.”

  Juliette opened the fridge and blinked in surprise as she took in all the prepared meals clearly labeled.

  “Lucky he did, too, as you’re a crap cook, and Ava is out too often with Mike to cook for you.”

  Juliette shook her head. “Not sure what he thinks he’s doing…”