Free Spirit

by Andi Bremner

  “He’s winning you back.”

  “What?” Juliette looked up startled, and slightly alarmed.

  “He’s winning you back,” she repeated.

  “He’s probably just feeling guilty.”

  “It’s more than that, Juliette,” Bethany said quietly. “You should have seen him this morning. The guy is a mess. I don’t even know him, and even I can tell he’s a mess.”

  Juliette shrugged, selecting an orange from fridge. “Whatever. He’ll get over it. And so will I.”

  ****

  It was two days later when Noah showed up at Juliette’s door. Bethany had gone back to Lexington promising to visit in another few weeks, and Juliette was waiting for Doug to pick her up for her next chemotherapy appointment.“Noah?” She looked past him. “What are you doing here? I’m expecting Doug any minute now.”

  “You’re expecting me,” he said, his voice wary.

  She stared at him. God help her but even just looking at him she felt the familiar stirrings in the pit of her stomach. His hair had grown out, was longer on top and curled over his ears, and dark stubble marred his otherwise smooth, hard jawline. He was dressed in a white t-shirt that stretched over his chest and biceps. Has he been working out? she wondered idly. He looked to be more powerful, stronger. Maybe it was all the swimming and surfing he was doing now that he was back in the water on a regular basis. Whatever it was he looked bigger, and she realized with a start that she wanted him to wrap his arms around her, draw her close like he used to and make her feel safe, protected and loved. Which was odd, because the last time she’d seen him he’d made her feel anything but.

  “No,” she said eventually. “Doug is picking me up. I have an appointment.”

  “I know. Your chemo treatment. Doug isn’t coming. I’m taking you.”

  Juliette’s mouth fell open. “What? Why? Did something happen? Is he okay?”

  “He’s fine,” Noah replied tersely. “Don’t worry about him. But I’m taking you today.”

  “Actually, if Doug is busy that’s perfectly fine. I can get myself there, thanks.” Juliette made to push past him fully intending to drive herself to and from the hospital when Noah put his hand on her arm.

  “Juliette…”

  “Noah, let me pass,” she interrupted, not looking at him, “and don’t touch me.”

  He pulled his hand back. “Juliette, let me drive you. I know,” he cleared his throat, “I know the treatment leaves you feeling pretty sick.”

  She flicked her eyes up to meet his. He’d been speaking to Doug, and probably Ava, too. Of course they would tell him now that he knew her secret. They were his friends first, they’d known him their whole lives and Juliette was new. She couldn’t blame them for telling him, but she felt the betrayal.

  “Let me drive you. That’s all. I won’t speak if you don’t want me to, but let me drive you to the hospital.”

  Juliette considered her options and hated that she felt cornered. Eventually, with her options limited, she nodded and followed Noah down to his pickup, refusing his hand to help her up and climbing in herself.

  They drove the hospital in silence, Juliette keeping her head turned as she stared out the window at the passing scenery. At the hospital, Noah followed her in, even though she told him several times he didn’t have to.

  “Where’s Doug today, Juliette?” one of the nurses asked, smiling brightly at both Juliette and Noah as she came to tend to Juliette.

  “He had some other stuff to do,” she replied. “This is Noah.”

  The nurse smiled kindly at Noah before she turned back to Juliette, hooking up her IV and then the line for the chemotherapy. Noah watched, seemingly fascinated by the whole procedure. Juliette lay back and closed her eyes as the poison that was going to save her life slowly seeped into her veins. It was cold, so she pulled a blanket up over her shoulders, trying to forget that Noah was there. She wondered if she ignored him for long enough would he go away. Doug normally sat with her for most the treatment working on his laptop, disappearing to answer phone calls now and then or get something to eat. Juliette tried to rest, tried to doze off, but she was all too aware of Noah. And all too aware of her feelings for him.

  She didn’t want to love him. She didn’t want to feel warmed by his presence, but she did. She remembered the broken man she’d met that day on the beach and how much he’d changed and couldn’t help how her heart responded. Noah, who’d already been through so much, who’d already been hurt more than most people had in their lives, who’d been crueler to her than anyone … who’d thrown her love back at her with such ferociousness. How was it possible that she could both love and hate him at the same time?

  And which one, she wondered, would win out in the long run?

  ****

  Noah

  Noah sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair and watched Juliette, marveling at how calm she was and how kind and familiar the nurse had been. It had cut him to the quick when the nurse had mentioned Doug’s name, but Noah knew he deserved nothing less. He’d turned his back on Juliette, hadn’t been there for her, hadn’t even called her up in the weeks since their breakup to check on her, but Doug had. Whilst Noah had been coddling his own pathetic heart, worrying about his own feelings of guilt and shame, and missing Juliette like crazy, she’d been going through hell.

  From the moment Noah had seen her on the beach just a few days ago he’d vowed to make it up to her. Even if it took him the rest of his life he would make it up to her.

  “So, what now?” he asked lightly after the nurse had left them alone.

  “Now we just sit,” she said and leaned back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

  Noah sat watching her, wondering if she’d fallen asleep when suddenly she lurched, sitting upright and grabbing the bucket beside the bed and vomiting into it profusely. Even when there was nothing left in her stomach she continued to dry heave. Noah watched, wishing he could make it better, wishing he could touch her and make everything all right, take away her pain, but he knew she’d only flinch if he did. She needed time. She needed to forgive him and realize that he wasn’t running away now. That he was here for good.

  After a while Juliette did fall asleep, and then, hours later the nurse was back and unhooked all her IV lines, checked her vitals and then, smiling kindly at Noah told him he could take her home.

  Noah stared at the sleeping Juliette wondering what to do. She looked so peaceful, so pain free and relaxed that he didn’t want to wake her. Should he carry her? He remembered how she’d flinched when he touched her earlier and wondered if she’d do the same again. But she looked so relaxed he didn’t want to wake her.

  Sliding an arm underneath, he pulled her up, just as she stirred, her eyes fluttering open. She made a noise that sounded like his name as she squirmed in his arms.

  “Sh,” he told her, “I got you.”

  She shook her head. “I can walk.”

  “Juliette, just let me carry you,” he argued, and for a moment he thought he was about to win, but she continued to squirm and he didn’t want to risk creating a scene in the hospital so he let her feet slide to the floor although he kept a firm arm looped around her shoulders holding her up.

  At least she let him help her, leaning on him for support as he helped her out to his car, leaning on him and letting him lift her into the passenger side. Then he was in his seat and driving through the streets back to her house.

  “Is there anything you need? Anything I can get you?” he asked anxiously.

  She shook her head. “No. I just need to sleep.”

  He nodded, his mouth tight and his heart shuddering in his chest. She looked so frail, so sick, so different from the Juliette he knew. From the bright, sparkly, full of life girl he’d dragged from the ocean and fallen in love with.

  Juliette let him lead her into the house and down to her room where she crawled onto her bed.

  “Go away, Noah,” she muttered, feeling sleep start to claim her agai
n. “You don’t want to see me like this.”

  Noah looked at her, at the floral paisley scarf wrapped around her head, at the clothes hanging off her thin frame and the shadows beneath her eyes. He pulled a blanket up over shoulders and then dragged a chair over to sit beside her bed.

  “Sorry, Juliette, I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Juliette

  Noah was still there, slumped awkwardly in the chair beside her bed, when Juliette woke later that night.

  He was still there the next day when she woke and insisted on making her breakfast, which included one of those expensive cold pressed juices he’d stocked her fridge with.

  And when Juliette fell asleep later that afternoon he was still there, sitting in that same chair beside her bed.

  When she woke the next day to find him gone she was both relieved and disappointed. Obviously, she was right and this was all just too much for Noah after all.

  “He had to go to work,” Ava informed her when she made her way out to the kitchen, “said he had a few things to take care of and then he’d be back.”

  Juliette nodded, not quite sure what to make of Noah being around so much, being so bossy and intrusive in her life. She poured herself a coffee and slid into the seat opposite Ava.

  “Have you forgiven him yet?” Ava asked quietly.

  “There is nothing to forgive. He is who he is.”

  “And who is that exactly?”

  “Someone in love with his wife. Someone who was honest with me from the very start.”

  “Do you think—do you think there is any chance…”

  Juliette shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t think about that right now, but honestly, I don’t think there is anything for us. I was happy, I was content with what we had, but Noah was right. I wanted more. I fell in love, and I wanted from him what he warned me I could never have. I guess in a way it’s my own fault I got hurt.”

  “Bullshit,” Ava said. “He was chicken shit scared, and now you’re chicken shit scared.”

  Juliette stared at her but didn’t reply. There was nothing to say. Ava was right. She was scared, but right now, she was scared of much more than getting her heart broken.

  Noah returned later that day and insisted on accompanying Juliette for a walk along the beach. It was something she’d started doing every afternoon, when the weather cooled. She’d always wanted to live by the ocean and wasn’t going to let a little thing like cancer get in the way of experiencing beachside living.

  She paddled in the water’s edge, all too aware of Noah hovering nearby.

  “How are the swimming lessons going?” he asked now, breaking the awkward silence between them.

  “What?” she glanced up. “Oh, they’re not.”

  “I thought Doug…”

  She shook her head. “No. He offered to continue teaching me but well…” She let her words trail off, not really answering his question. The truth was she felt a little weird doing swimming lessons with Doug. It was something she’d shared with Noah, and she wasn’t quite ready to move on with someone else.

  “Maybe we could start again,” he offered, “the swimming lessons I mean.”

  “Maybe.”

  “We could start whenever you like,” he offered. “Maybe use the heated pools so it’s not too cold.”

  Juliette swirled her feet in the shallow water, her eyes closed as she let the afternoon sun sink into her skin, warming her bones. She had a scarf wrapped around her head but could still feel the heat on her scalp, sending delicious prickles down her spine. She didn’t answer Noah, didn’t want to make him any promises she might not keep and make him commit to something he didn’t want to commit to.

  “Ice cream?” he asked after a long moment.

  “No,” she said. “I’ll think I’ll head home. I told Toby I’d work tomorrow so I want to get a good night’s sleep.”

  “I don’t think you should be working, Juliette,” Noah said with a frown. “You should be focused on getting better. Not worrying about work. I’m sure Toby would understand.”

  “Toby’s been great.” Juliette bent down and scooped up her sandals, making her way back up the beach. “But I like working.”

  “I really don’t think—”

  Juliette rounded on him, hands on hips, her eyes flashing. “What are you doing, Noah? Why are you here?”

  He opened his mouth to reply when she continued.

  “I know you feel bad about what happened. I get it, I really do. But you don’t have to do this. It is not your fault I got sick. It was just really shitty timing. But you don’t have to be here, you don’t have to buy me flowers, stock my fridge with food, and drive me to and from the hospital. You don’t have to sit by my bedside. You don’t have to cure me. I’m not Charlotte—you can’t save me, and I don’t expect you to.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing, Juliette.”

  She smiled. “Go home, Noah. Seriously. Go home. Leave me be.”

  “Juliette…”

  “I’m tired!” She raised her voice. “And I don’t have the energy for this. For you. I already gave you everything I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. I never asked you for anything then, and I am not asking you for anything now. Go home. Leave me be.”

  Without waiting for him for to reply Juliette turned and made her way up the beach to her waiting car. Climbing in, she started the engine and drove the short distance back to Ava’s house, never once looking back at Noah. It was something she made sure never to do, look back. There was no point, she always told herself. The past was just that—past. And the future was nothing to worry about either. What she had, all that anybody had, was right here and right now.

  ****

  The next day Juliette arrived at the workshop early, wanting to make up for all the time she’d missed. Toby, busy going through some paperwork, grinned delightedly when she came in.

  “Look at you,” he said. “You’re looking good.”

  Juliette rolled her eyes. “I look sick, but I feel good. Well, I feel okay at least.”

  “Well, take it easy today okay?” Toby said. “And take a break whenever you need.”

  “I’ll be fine. What have you got for me?”

  “Mrs. Houghton is bringing her Mercedes in,” he told her. “She said it’s making a clanging noise so I said we’d check it out. It’s probably nothing, but she does tend to get a bit anxious about her car.”

  Juliette nodded as she pulled on her overalls and adjusted the head wrap that had slipped off her head. “Is that it?”

  “Isn’t that enough?”

  “I’m good, Toby,” she insisted. “I really want to work.”

  “And I really do want to not have Noah showing up here and getting in my face about you working,” he told her. “So today, you take it easy it, okay?”

  Juliette opened her mouth to argue before promptly shutting it again. She didn’t want to cause problems for Toby, and she knew firsthand how controlling and overbearing Noah could be. Instead, she went back to the kitchenette out back and made herself a coffee. She was just pouring her cup when Doug surprised her.

  “Hey, heard you were coming back to work,” he said easily.

  Juliette smiled. Doug was so friendly and easy to like that just being with him brought a smile to her face. “I thought I’d better show my face eventually.”

  “Take it easy, okay?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes, sir. Although you seem to forget that I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time now. I know my limits.”

  He nodded and was quiet for a long moment. When he did speak Juliette was only half surprised to hear him mention Noah. “So, Noah’s back on the scene.”

  Juliette glanced up at him unsure of how to reply since he’d made it sound like a statement not a question. “Hmm.”

  “You know,” Doug began slowly, “Noah and I have had our issues in the past. We have—history. But I just want to say that you could do a lot worse t
han Noah. He’s a great guy, which I’m sure you already know, and he gets that he fucked up before. Given half a chance I know he’d change whatever went down between you, but he can’t. All I’m saying is that he’s a great guy, and even though I’m a better guy,” he paused and gave a little laugh, “I think you could do worse than Daniels.”

  Juliette smiled up at Doug. “I know.”

  “So,” he shrugged, “that’s all I wanted to say.”

  “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

  Juliette watched as Doug made his way outside, pausing to chat with Toby as he did. She had no idea what had inspired him to share with her, but she was genuine when she said she appreciated it. There was obviously something between Noah and Doug, something neither of them had shared with her and that must have happened years ago, that left their relationship strained and a little awkward. But even still, Doug had taken the time to come and see her and try to plead Noah’s case, which meant a lot.

  Not that it made things any clearer. When it came to Noah she was still as confused as ever.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Juliette

  “Your blood test results are good,” Dr. Nelson told her less than a week later. He’d called Juliette and asked her to come in and she’d spent the last twenty-four hours agonizing over what he might need to tell her. Was she getting sicker? Was the chemotherapy not working? Were they running out of options? She tried not to think about Claudia, but the best friend she had lost years ago, forever lingered in her mind and she kept replaying one conversation over and over.

  Claudia had known it was her time, and she’d said that when it was Juliette’s time she would know, too. Did Juliette feel like it was her time? She kept asking herself that and kept coming to the same conclusion.

  No.

  It was not her time to go, and she was going to refuse to give up no matter news Dr. Nelson had to deliver.

  “And we have some more good news.” He smiled at her. “The bone marrow registry has delivered a match. Someone right here in Myrtle Beach.”