By My Side

by Wendy Lou Jones

  “Thank you,” she said. “And thank you for the flowers; they’re beautiful.”

  Kate watched as Mark Cobham walked back up the ward and thought for a moment that she saw Adam, but she blinked and looked back and he was gone.

  Her mum and dad were back at visiting time and Anna had driven over with a bouquet and a cuddly toy and was waiting outside to come in. It was a close call to say which one of them started crying first.

  “Anna, I’m so sorry-”

  “What are you sorry about? I should have known you wouldn’t just change your mind without telling me. I feel awful. I should have checked earlier.”

  “It wouldn’t have made any difference. Anyway, you’re here now.”

  Anna sat down and held on to Kate’s good hand.

  “What was it you needed to talk to me about, Kate? It’s been driving me mad not knowing.”

  Kate rested her head back. “It doesn’t matter now.”

  “The hell it doesn’t. You phone me up late at night wanting to drive all the way over to my place to talk to me about something just for an hour. It’s got to be pretty bloomin’ important for that.”

  “I thought it was,” Kate said in her defence.

  “And?”

  She shrugged and her mum and dad left them alone to talk.

  “Was it about Adam?”

  Kate nodded sadly.

  “I bet all this has given him something to think about, hasn’t it?” she said pointing to all Kate’s injuries.

  “You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” she said.

  “You mean…?”

  “I’ve not seen hide nor hair of him since it happened,” Kate told her, attempting to mask the pain in her voice.

  Anna shook her head. “You can’t mend everyone, Kate,” she said. “However much you might want to,” and she smiled sympathetically. “Some people just refuse to be helped.”

  Kate raised a solitary eyebrow. “I guess I should be grateful he wasn’t on call the night I was brought in,” she said.

  ~

  Adam was awoken at 7.30am by a call from switchboard. He lifted his head from the wing of his chair and croaked out his thanks down the telephone. He yawned and stretched and looked at his watch. Shrugging out of his old, stained shirt he threw it in the bin and picked up the new shirt his secretary had been good enough to pop out and buy for him the day before.

  Adam walked down the quiet corridor to the hospital canteen and bought himself some breakfast. He was due back on call that evening and had been unable to sleep in more than short bursts since the night Kate had been brought in. Only time would tell how much sleep he would get over the weekend.

  He finished his cereal and made his way back up the hospital, stopping off at Aintree Ward to check with the staff before meeting his team.

  Chapter 11

  Kate’s pain was more bearable. Her chest and abdominal drains had been removed and she no longer had a catheter. She was now free to move around the bed and get up a little when she could. The bandages on her head had gone and they had been lightened on her limbs. Instead of a drip and pump for pain relief, she was able to take tablets and try a little more with her meals. The down side of this was that although she felt more comfortable at rest, moving her body was exhausting and it hurt, and the physios weren’t big on sympathy.

  It occurred to Kate then that it must be the forgotten time between Christmas and New Year and Adam may of course know nothing of her accident as he might be on holiday. She tried hard to recall any mention of his plans over Christmas, but could think of none. His absence was preoccupying her more than she wanted, as there was little else to do but think, laid up in a hospital bed, especially when you weren’t very good at crosswords.

  John Barker stopped by to check on her and she asked him which of them had closed the wounds on her leg, as she had been very impressed with the stitching. He hesitated and then made a vague comment about how many wounds there had been and not being able to remember exactly who had done what.

  Sophie came to visit, mortified at having been away when it all happened, but brought with her some good news. She had heard about a doctor coming to join the hospital at the end of January who needed a place to live. She had been given their number and had already made contact.

  “So it’s all sorted,” she told her. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m much more comfortable now,” Kate told her. “All my tubes are out, but it kills to get up and go for a wee.”

  Sophie laughed.

  “I pleaded with them not to take my catheter away, but they wouldn’t have it. They’re making me use a commode.”

  Sophie pulled a face. “I think I’d put up with the pain and get myself to the toilet,” she said.

  “I know,” Kate told her. “But it kills just to get there and sit down. Let alone to get back to bed again.”

  “Well, you need more pain relief then, you silly cow. What do you think you’re doing suffering in silence? Let me get one of them in here to sort you out.”

  “No. I’m all right. Don’t make a fuss, please. I’ve got to try. And if I don’t feel the pain then I won’t know when I’m making things worse, will I?”

  Sophie shook her head. “Are you sure your CT scan came back okay?”

  “Don’t be so rude!” Kate scolded but then she smiled.

  When the physios came in, they got Kate up and out of bed. She began to shuffle, but suddenly her body rocked with pain as she coughed and almost collapsed. A quick thinking nurse grabbed a wheelchair and whisked Kate back into bed. They ran some obs and called a doctor to come and see her.

  The doctor examined Kate and found crackles in the right side of her lungs. Her obs showed a raised temperature and her pulse was racing. He looked at her notes and drug chart and asked Kate why she hadn’t been asking for pain relief when she’d needed it, because it was obviously stopping her from doing her breathing exercises. Kate realised he was irritated by her stupidity and she couldn’t exactly blame him.

  She held her chest and coughed and then paled with the pain again. The doctor reviewed her charts and altered the doses accordingly and with a last lecture about the importance of looking after herself and being sensible, he marched back out to continue his work.

  Kate felt awful. It was like having a bad dose of flu while someone repeatedly stabbed you in the chest with a knife. She was just resting her head back on the pillows when a porter arrived to take her down to X-ray.

  An hour later she was back in her bed with the pain killers starting to kick in and another course of antibiotics added to the list. She had little energy for visitors that day and apart from her mum and dad, Kate asked to be left alone to sleep.

  A while later she became aware of somebody moving around her room. She opened her eyes. Pete had snuck in and was looking guilty at having woken her.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. I had to make sure you were okay. I only just heard you were in here. I’m so sorry. I feel awful now.”

  “You feel awful?” Kate teased. “I think I have got dibs on that one.”

  “You know what I mean,” he scolded. “I bumped into one of the theatre nurses in town. She told me what happened.”

  Kate reached to take a sip of her water. “How did you get past my guards?” she asked.

  “Stealth and cunning. Have you had a chance to talk to Adam?” he asked, a more serious expression settling on his face.

  Kate shook her head, but couldn’t bring herself to speak.

  “Have you tried?”

  She made a frustrated gesture to indicate she was laid up in bed. “I think it’s his move, don’t you?” she said, as tears began to spring to her eyes. “Although I’m not even sure I want to speak to him now.”

  “He’s a good guy,” Pete said. “He’s been through a lot.”

  “I know. I told you that. Why are you so good to him, when he seems determined to hate you?” Kate asked.

  “Adam and I go back a long way. He wasn’t a
lways so prickly. It’s partly my fault that he is.”

  “Why? What happened?” she asked.

  There was a long pause. “I was the one driving the night of the crash,” he said, and suddenly it all made sense. The butterfly effect. So many more people had been affected by Ali’s death than just Adam. Sympathy overwhelmed her as every interaction she had witnessed between the two of them played out again in her mind, with meaning.

  “He blames you, doesn’t he?”

  Pete just shook his head. “I don’t know. Perhaps. Maybe there was something I could have done differently?” His breath hitched as he was forced to remember the terrible night and then he straightened. “I’m sorry I messed it all up for the two of you.”

  “It’s not your fault,” Kate said as her chin began to quiver. Her fragile emotions overtook her and Pete wrapped her in his arms and held her while she sobbed.

  ~

  John Barker ran into Adam in the corridor late on Saturday afternoon and looked at him. “Adam, you look fit to drop,” he said. “You’re in no condition to take on the rest of the weekend. Finish off this afternoon and get yourself home to bed. I’ll cover for you tonight. You can take over in the morning again when you’ve had a decent night’s sleep.”

  “No, it’s fine, John. I have to be here, besides, it’s New Year’s Eve; you don’t want to be hanging around here.”

  “She’s on the mend, Adam. Go home,” he said. “I don’t mind, honestly. The mother-in-law’s up. Why do you think I’m in here in the first place? You’ll be doing me a favour. Come on. You know I’ll call you if anything drastic happens. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  Adam looked at him.

  “You’re really not safe like this,” John added.

  “Okay. Thanks. I owe you one.”

  “You owe me two now,” he reminded him. “I haven’t seen that bottle of whisky you promised me last time yet.”

  Adam smiled and nodded. “Right.”

  He managed to get through the rest of his work soon enough and then quickly popped up to Aintree Ward to make sure Kate was okay before knocking off.

  Buzzed onto the ward, Adam made a bee-line for the nurses’ desk, but his gaze caught sight of Peter just coming out of Kate’s room. Pete spotted him. He went to walk away, but must have thought better of it, because he turned and walked straight toward Adam, and Adam braced for a battle he had no energy to fight.

  “Adam.”

  Adam looked at him through weary eyes.

  “I know you’d rather not speak to me. I understand that. But I can’t stand by and let you punish Kate for something she didn’t do.”

  Adam stiffened.

  “She loves you, Adam. She doesn’t want me. She never has. Go and talk to her. Listen. You two would be so good together. Please, Adam. Do it for her.”

  Adam made no move to thank him. He made no gesture to show that he would and so Pete walked off, leaving Adam to wallow in confusion as he made his way slowly home.

  How could he know what to think? Kate hadn’t denied having feelings for Pete, but had she ever admitted it? Was this true? That he had jumped the gun and pushed her away, rebuilding his walls as fast as he could when nothing had even happened between her and Florin? Had he been so blinded by his past? This couldn’t be happening. Pete had certainly had the look of honesty about him. He had faced him, openly, with nothing to gain. Was it possible that this time he himself would have to be the one to take the blame?

  He poured a large brandy and downed it. He needed to sleep. Things would look clearer in the morning.

  Sunday morning Adam was feeling much more human. He put on fresh clothes, ate a good breakfast and drove back into work. He rang John to see if there was anything he needed to know from the night before, and then called the team together for a quick ward round of the new admissions.

  A little later, Adam walked up to Aintree Ward to check in. He knew he had to speak to Kate. He should have done it days ago. He should have let her explain. Hell, he should have trusted her in the first place. He would go to her and tell her he was sorry. Beg her to forgive him and make amends.

  He walked on to the ward and pulled out Kate’s notes. He read the entry from the previous day and was horrified to find she had collapsed with a chest infection and he hadn’t known. Peter, he thought. With the wind being so knocked out of his sails as he’d arrived, he had completely forgotten to check on her. She had been suffering.

  He searched for someone to spear with his ire, but neither of the senior nurses on that morning had been on duty the day before. He paged the surgical houseman and told him to meet him on Aintree Ward and then paced up and down until he arrived, ten minutes later.

  ~

  Kate was awoken by the sound of raised voices on the ward. She couldn’t see anything, but rapidly came to realise that one of the voices was Adam’s. He was grilling someone, just outside her room, about why they hadn’t made sure she was comfortable. Kate had heard him like this before and slunk further under her sheets.

  Suddenly he stormed in and grabbed her charts, storming straight back out again. Kate listened to what was being said. He was ranting at the other doctor about inadequate pain relief, about neglecting her and the need for more intensive observations. Kate felt the doctor’s pain. She knew he was already wishing he hadn’t bothered getting out of bed that day.

  A nurse came hurrying in with a machine to measure the oxygen in Kate’s blood. He ran a set of obs and Kate noticed her oxygen level was low, but nothing to get het-up about. The nurse smiled and then hurried back outside to report.

  A minute or two later he was back in, hooking Kate up to the oxygen on the wall. He fitted her with nasal specs and then handed her a couple of tablets.

  “Am I in trouble?” Kate asked quietly.

  “No, I don’t think so, but I’m glad I’m not Dr Danby right now,” he said and walked back out.

  Kate felt incredibly uncomfortable. She knew she was really the one to blame for her chest getting infected. She had tried to be stoical and not make a fuss, but she’d only ended up doing more harm than good. But as much as she had been spoiling for a fight with Adam, she really did not have it in her that day.

  Adam walked in. He stood in the doorway and scowled at her. Kate had only had bed baths and washes since her arrival in A&E the week before. She realised she must have looked a wreck and this was the first time Adam had seen her. She dropped her gaze to her fingers, watching them twist together on top of the sheet.

  “Why didn’t you ask for pain relief?” he asked abruptly.

  A timid voice, no more than a whisper, escaped Kate’s lips. “I don’t know,” she said.

  Adam stared at her. She could feel his eyes assessing her, but dared not meet his gaze. “You’ve got to look after yourself, Kate,” he said. “Your body’s been through a huge ordeal. It’s going to take a lot of work on your part to put it right. This is not the time to be stubborn and insist on doing things your way.”

  “Please don’t,” she asked him. “I’ve already had it in the neck from the houseman and I’m really not up to a fight today.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you, Kate. I’m just concerned.”

  “Concerned?” Kate couldn’t believe her ears. “So concerned that you waited a week before even coming to see me? And then you come storming in here, with your bullish manner and think you can tell everyone what to do. Well I seem to have managed pretty well without you so far.” She coughed with the exertion of raising her voice, the pain causing her to stop in her tracks and blanch.

  Adam took a step closer, but she held out a hand to stop him. He glared at her as she struggled to regain her breath. His forehead furrowed and his lips pursed. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  “It’s too late for sorry,” she snapped.

  Adam’s features seemed to lose their strength. His voice was defeated as he stood in silence for a moment and then started to speak. “Well, you won’t have to put up with me m
uch longer,” he said. “I’m on holiday from tomorrow, so you only have to get through the rest of the day and I’ll be out of your hair.”

  “Good,” Kate said, as brusquely as she could manage.

  Adam looked at her sadly, unsettling her a little. He opened his mouth to say something more, but seemed to think better of it and closed it again and walked out.

  Still reeling from the confrontation, Kate held her breath, in case he came back in, but he didn’t. Slowly, she let it out and a tear fell away from the corner of her eye.

  She didn’t see Adam again after that and although it had been traumatic seeing him that way, at least now Kate believed she had faced up to her demons. She had yearned for him just to sweep in there and hold her in his arms, telling her how wrong he had been and how much he loved her. And the more she thought about that, the more she realised the significance of the loss she had suffered, and how much she must have loved him.

  ~

  Adam did not return until the early hours of Monday morning, just before he went off duty. He walked quietly onto the ward and looked around for a nurse. He asked if Kate was sleeping and how she’d been and then carefully crept inside her room.

  Kate was lying there, just the same, with the dim light on over her head, but peaceful again now. He spotted the earphones still hanging from her ears and traced them back to the edge of her pillow. Easing it up gently, he found her little MP3 player tucked up underneath, still playing away merrily. He looked at the screen to see what was playing – Rihanna, of course - and then he turned it off and ever so carefully, lifted the earpieces out of her ears and put them down on the side. He looked at her and his heart plunged down to new depths. “Happy New Year, Katherine,” he whispered and then he kissed her softly on the top of her head and left.

  ~

  With the increase in pain relief and the infection she was battling, Kate remained on the sleepy side over the next few days. But on Wednesday she was starting to mend and Mark Cobham came back up to see her. Her arm and leg were definitely much better and her head had almost stopped pounding. Getting up and about was still slow, but more manageable. It was her chest that was the worst of it now. Kate hated to cough, because of the pain it caused her but her fever was down and she was brighter in herself.