OMG! Is This Actually My Life? Hattie Moore's Unbelievable Year!

by Rae Earl

  Oh, Dan… I can’t tell you how much I am totally in love with you. I love the way you treated me – when you touched me I came alive and I know that for ever I am changed. Thank you for understanding that it’s not the right time for me yet. When you held me in front of the fire and said, “I can wait,” it meant the world to me. I want it to be perfect and it very nearly is the perfect time for us – I promise. I will soon be ready to give myself to you. I am a wild horse – please treat me tenderly and I can be tamed. All my love, Hxx

  SATURDAY 29TH AUGUST

  7.32 p.m.

  Came home tonight from seeing Dimple to find Mum and Rob sitting on the sofa looking furious.

  Mum has OBVIOUSLY read my diary because she said: “WHO IS DAN?!”

  I thought, RIGHT, I am going to teach her a lesson, so I said, “Dan is none of your business!”

  She SCREAMED back, “Hattie, I will find out who it is and I will be seeing his parents. HOW FAR HAS IT GONE? Where does he come from? Have you been to the doctor?”

  When I said no, she went loony mental and shouted, “Hattie, boys at this age are dreadful, and just after one thing.”

  Then I just walked out and she started to cry. I hate hearing her upset but NO WAY should she be reading my diary!

  8.32 p.m.

  Mum thinks I am doing serious stuff. She actually thinks I HAVE DONE MAJOR FULL-ON THINGS!!! I am a sex goddess and all I have done is wet snogging and bum-fondling.

  9.32 p.m.

  Mum has just been up – she’d been crying for ages.

  She said she really wants me to talk to her about what is going on in my life, especially about things as important as SEX.

  She reckons it’s very important that I look after myself, as there are some bad people out there. And I am a “lovely, beautiful girl with so much potential.”

  Yes, I feel terrible.

  Oh, IT’S NOT FAIR – I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s HER that read my PRIVATE stuff. She can suffer for a bit longer.

  SUNDAY 30TH AUGUST

  7.32 a.m.

  Mum just came in with a coffee and said, “Please talk to me, Hattie.”

  I just told her I am not ready to yet. I am staying in bed all day.

  5.54 p.m.

  My brother just said to my mum, “Don’t be ridiculous – it’s all made up! Look at the poster on her wall, Mum – it’s the boy who plays Harry Potter. She’s just got a vivid imagination!”

  EVIL. I turned into a mental and said, “YES, IT IS MADE UP – so what?! AND HE’S NOT HARRY POTTER. HE IS A REAL MAN NOW!” And Mum said, “Oh, Hattie – why did you make us think that you were…?”

  “Because, MUM – everybody in this family still treats me like I am 6. Can’t you see I am actually a woman now?!” This sent my brother into hysterics so I just ran upstairs.

  THEY ALL GANG UP ON ME. SICK OF IT.

  MONDAY 31ST AUGUST

  7.12 a.m.

  A note has just been pushed under my door in my brother’s handwriting.

  Dear Hattie,

  Sorry I have got to dump you. I have to fight Voldemort and his evil army. Plus I’ve met someone at Hogwarts.

  Love,

  Dan

  I HATE HIM. My brother is officially more terrible than the Dark Lord.

  8.32 a.m.

  Another note. From Mum.

  Hattie – it was wrong of me to read your diary. You are a young woman now and entitled to your privacy. I promise I will never do it again. When you are a parent (NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN MUM.) you will realize just how much you want to protect your children because you love them so much. I know you are not a baby any more but you will always be my baby.

  9.09 a.m.

  Just went downstairs and gave Mum a hug and told her I loved her. She hugged me and said, “I should have trusted you.” Yes, Mum, you should have.

  I think Dr Phil would think I was probably the most emotionally mature 14-year-old he had ever met, and his audience would clap and whoop for me.

  2.13 p.m.

  Texted Dimple and Weirdo Jen – I have called an emergency meeting of the NFPG tomorrow.

  TUESDAY 1ST SEPTEMBER

  4.53 p.m.

  The Not Fair Protest Group today agreed on the following:

  Privacy laws that protect celebrities should be extended to teenagers.

  Reading someone else’s diary should be illegal.

  If you are found reading someone’s diary you should be given truth serum and be forced to reveal things you are embarrassed about on national TV. (It can fill the slot when Jeremy Kyle is on his holidays.)

  Dimple told Jen and me today that she rarely thinks about boys and sex but she thinks loads about chocolate. I didn’t want to say anything, but I don’t think this is actually normal. Then again, Dimple has never wet snogged. She is bound to think Dairy Milk is better.

  5.12 p.m.

  Actually I think I would prefer a Bounty bar to snogging Jürgen again. Bet Gerda would too – LOL!

  Going round to see Gran tomorrow before I go back to school.

  WEDNESDAY 2ND SEPTEMBER

  4.13 p.m.

  OMG – I have just seen something so dreadful I may need to have counselling. When I rang the bell Gran told me to come in and she was stood there in front of her full-length mirror in just her BRA AND PANTS!!!

  Gran has stretch marks everywhere. In fact her stretch marks have their own stretch marks.

  The backs of her legs are so hairy she looks like a gorilla. She says she can’t reach them in the bath any more.

  Her breasts look like they have collapsed. Gran caught me looking at her and said, “Don’t look so shocked, Hattie – this is what age and childbirth do to a woman.” When I pointed out that Helen Mirren is old and STILL looks amazing, Gran said, “Life isn’t fair, Hattie. That woman has clearly made a deal with the devil and with gravity.”

  Apparently Gran was standing in front of the mirror because she has bought a new book on dressing to flatter your body shape. She was trying to work out which body shape she is. She thinks she’s an hourglass. The book says she’s an apple.

  I can tell her now – she’s a pumpkin.

  I borrowed Gran’s book. I am a brick, I think.

  Anyway I intend to start the new school year as a new woman.

  THURSDAY 3RD SEPTEMBER

  7.39 a.m.

  My school uniform has everything that the book says my body shape shouldn’t wear. Pleats, shapeless shirts and ties. Might raise it with the NFPG that school uniform should be dependent on your body shape.

  7.56 a.m.

  Dimps says uniforms based on body shape wouldn’t work as no one wants to admit they are an apple.

  4.32 p.m.

  School was a total nightmare. The only good thing was that Danielle Lance told us she has stopped shaving her armpits – because apparently in Germany (where she went on holiday) it’s the normal thing to do. Perhaps that’s why Jürgen liked me – I was smooth!

  4.49 p.m.

  I know Jürgen was Austrian but it’s probably all hairy in that part of Europe.

  FRIDAY 4TH SEPTEMBER

  3.57 p.m.

  Mum heard me moaning about my school uniform this morning. She thinks that we should count ourselves lucky! She had to wear a hat to school! Mum thinks we need Gok Wan to get involved as with a couple of accessories he could make our school uniform ROCK. Mum thinks that “only a gay man can truly celebrate the female body. Why would a woman want other women to look good? Think about it, Hattie.”

  Mum has a very dim view of girls.

  I would LOVE a gay friend though. Perhaps Goose might be gay?

  5.12 p.m.

  Goose wants me to know he definitely isn’t gay – though there is nothing wrong with being gay.

  5.34 p.m.

  Mum watches a lot of fashion and makeover shows but doesn’t seem to act on any of their advice. Why is this?

  7.01 p.m.

  I love Mum and Gran but I don’t want to end up look
ing like them. Must find a way to look better.

  SATURDAY 5TH SEPTEMBER

  8.05 p.m.

  I should be doing my Science homework but I’m writing to Helen Mirren instead with a question. Jen is going to let me copy her homework – because she wants to know the answer too. I’m going to send it to helenmirren@gmail.com and helenmirren@hotmail.com because she’s bound to use one of them.

  From: Hattie Moore

  Date: September 5, 19:44:14 PM GMT

  To: ,

  Subject: OMG! You’re old but you look AMAZE!

  Dear Helen Mirren,

  Thank you for reading this email.

  As I have turned 14, I am naturally thinking of what happens as I get older. If you don’t mind me saying, you are nearly 70 but still look great. Would you mind telling me:

  1. What foods you eat.

  2. What moisturizers you use.

  3. How much water you drink.

  4. What plastic surgery or Botox you have had.

  I promise that this information is solely for my personal use and I will not sell it to Look or Heat magazine.

  I look forward to your response.

  Hattie Moore

  PS You are our favourite dame. Gran says unlike most people who get one, you actually quite deserve it.

  I feel bad but I might tell Heat if she comes back with something a bit juicy.

  SUNDAY 6TH SEPTEMBER

  9.12 p.m.

  Goose came round after going to the boot sale with Rob. He auditioned for the school musical on Friday. I don’t think he’ll get a massive part – I’ve heard him singing in his bedroom.

  MONDAY 7TH SEPTEMBER

  4.32 p.m.

  OMG – TOTAL SHOCK! According to Dimple, Goose HAS landed the big role in the school play – he is Joseph. ACTUAL Joseph. The man with the amazing coat. Surely this can’t be right?!

  5.43 p.m.

  It IS TRUE!!! Just caught Goose in the back yard doing exercises. He is trying to “muscle up” as some scenes require him to be bare-chested. Perhaps because I have known him for years I am missing something, but I can’t see Goose as a big star.

  6.12 p.m.

  Dimple says Goose is buff – and Dimple doesn’t fancy anyone!

  TUESDAY 8TH SEPTEMBER

  4.01 p.m.

  Everyone at school is talking about Goose.

  Weirdo Jen says that Goose has a “deepness” that is really rare for a teenage boy (???). Apparently people who saw him audition said it was better than anyone who has ever been on The X Factor.

  If Goose gets rich and famous it will be brilliant.

  7.54 p.m.

  I am trying to write a story on terrorism for English homework. It’s very difficult to write about anything when all I can hear is Goose singing “Any Dream Will Do” at full blast.

  WEDNESDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER

  9.36 p.m.

  I think today I may have written the most brilliant story in the history of English.

  I have pretended to be a suicide bomber and instead of the craptacular “And then I was dead”, I ended it with a news report about how many people I injure.

  THURSDAY 10TH SEPTEMBER

  3.45 p.m.

  OMG – what if my dad is a suicide bomber or a terrorist? Perhaps the government have banned my mum from telling me who my dad is?!

  4.01 p.m.

  Jen says it all sounds very unlikely but if my dad is a suicide bomber he is probably dead anyway.

  6.54 p.m.

  Goose just came round. He says I am a mental and it’s much more likely my dad is just a bit of a git than working for a major world terrorist group.

  Then he let me feel his biceps. They are VERY FIRM these days.

  FRIDAY 11TH SEPTEMBER

  4.11 p.m.

  Got my terrorism story back! I got a C+! Dr Richards called it “unrealistic”?!!

  He said there is no way that a suicide bomber would have a Maccy D Filet-o-Fish as a last meal, and he wouldn’t spend 10 minutes agonizing over whether he should wear Gucci or Topman.

  Dr Richards lives in a village with his wife and a thick dog – what would he know?

  SATURDAY 12TH SEPTEMBER

  12.12 p.m.

  Gran was round really early this morning because she wants Rob to teach her how to drive. She wants a car and a disabled badge. This would mean she could basically park in Asda’s front foyer.

  Rob looked very worried but he has a strict all-age policy, and doesn’t think it’s too late for anybody to learn. However, Gran is an official mental – and since she has had her cataracts done she thinks she can do anything. She keeps saying, “How hard can it be? Chavs have cars!” (I taught Gran the word “chavs” – now she uses it in every sentence.)

  Rob is taking Gran out later this afternoon.

  5.13 p.m.

  OMG – Rob says Gran was quite good! Gran looked happy – Rob looked a bit pale. Apparently Gran nearly stalled on a level crossing but apart from that it went OK.

  Isn’t nearly getting killed by a very big train actually not very OK at all?

  SUNDAY 13TH SEPTEMBER

  7.22 p.m.

  DAY OF TOTAL DRAMA.

  After her last lesson Gran was feeling really confident so she decided to back out of the drive herself and wait for Rob on the road. Unfortunately Rob had left the car in first gear and Gran lurched forward straight into the shed. There was one hell of a crash and Rob rushed out and went MENTAL. He started yelling at Gran that his livelihood was on the line, and the car was his bread and butter, and what the hell did she think she was doing – was she SENILE? Then Mum started shouting at Rob, “Sod the car, what about MUM?!!”

  Next thing we know, Goose rushes round and says he knows first aid and on no account should Gran move as she could have severe spinal injuries. He was brilliantly in control, even when Gran tried to get out of the car to shout at Rob for leaving it in first gear – “like a trap”.

  Then Gran started saying all sorts of mentalness, like: “Goose, you are lovely – you are like a grandson to me”, and “Think about marrying close to home when you’re older. Close to home. Really close”.

  Luckily the ambulance came then and they put Gran on a special board and took her to hospital. She just has a bit of bruising and whiplash.

  Goose was just so brilliant today – in control like a really cool teacher. Even Gran did what she was told, and she is usually uncontrollable.

  9.43 p.m.

  Just want to say I do NOT fancy Goose. I just admire him in a crisis.

  MONDAY 14TH SEPTEMBER

  7.45 p.m.

  I have asked Rob to give me a driving lesson.

  He has totally refused on the basis that a) I am only 14, and b) he will never teach another family member ever again. He says his dual controls have only just recovered from Gran.

  Why are ancient people allowed to drive, and under-17s not? We have better eyesight, better brains and we really WANT to drive to see our friends.

  We NEED to drive.

  9.20 p.m.

  Goose popped in. I told him how great I thought he was. He said it was just his first aid training and then let me feel his calves. They are like rock! He is going to be a very muscly Joseph.

  TUESDAY 15TH SEPTEMBER

  6.12 p.m.

  Did an amazing thing at school today. Clare said her sister and her friends had this thing called “The Anonymous Honesty Note”. Basically you get a piece of A4 paper, everyone writes down a comment about you, folds the paper hiding the comment, then passes it on to the next person until you have a whole range of very honest comments about you.

  We did it.

  Here are mine:

  Funny in PE – though I think you are sensitive on the quiet.

  Moans about her brother all of the time.

  Has her foundation one shade too dark. You are not “sand beige”. You are “ivory bisque”.

  Has a fit brother
.

  Has a photo of herself as a crazed podge-monster trying to eat an actual fork (obviously this is Dimple).

  I have never been funny in PE deliberately. That’s a worry. Do I look stupid when I run?

  I am not over-sensitive AT ALL.

  My brother is not attractive.

  I had my foundation picked by one of the women behind the counter at Debenhams – and if anyone knows about make-up it should be them!

  7.35 p.m.

  Just practised running up and down in front of my mirror. It’s only about 5 steps but I think I look totally fine. Nothing bounces. Unfortunately.