OMG! Is This Actually My Life? Hattie Moore's Unbelievable Year!

by Rae Earl

  8.03 p.m.

  Mum says everyone knows that women on make-up counters are orange.

  WEDNESDAY 16TH SEPTEMBER

  4.32 p.m.

  I asked Dimple today if my foundation was too dark. She pulled a really weird face and said, “Yes … a bit.”

  I said, “Dimple – why didn’t you tell me?!! I have been looking ORANGE for months and probably now everyone is laughing at me and I will NEVER get a decent boyfriend and WILL PROBABLY DIE YOUNG IN A FLAT ON MY OWN AND NO ONE WILL FIND ME FOR 6 MONTHS!!!”

  Dimple reckons that she didn’t want to upset me, and that sometimes I can overreact!

  I hardly ever ****ing overreact!

  THURSDAY 17TH SEPTEMBER

  6.12 p.m.

  Asked Goose if he had ever heard boys talking about me being orange. He said no – I was still just “Hattie see-through tit top”. This is a good thing.

  My foundation can’t be that bad.

  7.01 p.m.

  Just put my make-up on. It IS that bad. Why didn’t I see it?! What else can’t I see that’s actually RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?!!

  I am getting rid of all my make-up.

  FRIDAY 18TH SEPTEMBER

  4.57 p.m.

  Goose came round and saw all my make-up in the bin. He says he needs to look tanned for Joseph so he will use my old foundation as he will look practically brown.

  I’ve had enough of school already.

  SATURDAY 19TH SEPTEMBER

  8.34 p.m.

  Went round Gran’s. She was watching Coronation Street with a HUGE packet of crisps. She seemed very calm and said, “Hattie – it’s important to get inner peace. I have never felt more relaxed with life. Every day is like a gift.”

  She puts her new-found inner peace down to the special healthy, happy muffins that her friend Denise has been baking. Apparently they have a special mix of herbs and seeds in them that will help her arthritis.

  I so admire Gran. She is still thinking about diet and her figure even when most of her friends have just given up. One of her friends actually has a tub of Häagen-Dazs Baileys ice cream with a whisky for breakfast as she’s going to die soon anyway.

  SUNDAY 20TH SEPTEMBER

  8.43 p.m.

  Went round Gran’s again just as her friend Denise was bringing round some muffins. I smelt them and, OMG, THEY WERE FULL OF DRUGS.

  I said, “Gran, smell them – I think there might be dope in them!” (I know because my brother smokes it sometimes.) Gran kept saying, “Hattie, don’t be silly – I lived through the ’60s – I do know what drugs smell like. We invented drugs!”

  She didn’t believe me so I shoved a muffin under her nose and yelled, “ERRR, GRAN – WELL, SMELL THAT THEN!” Gran said, “OH MY LORD – IT IS MARIJUANA. I’m an illegal! I’m full of illegal. If I was at the Olympics now I’d be stripped of every medal!”

  She then ran to the kitchen and threw all 4 muffins to the birds.

  If my mum knew, she would explode with mentalness.

  11.02 p.m.

  “My gran is on skunk” sounds like the best Jeremy Kyle Show EVER.

  MONDAY 21ST SEPTEMBER

  6.32 p.m.

  Told Dimple and Jen about Gran but have sworn them to secrecy.

  I am tempted to try drugs but I am not going to. Jen said sometimes you start imagining the worst things on Earth and you see terrible visions. What if my breasts looked even smaller when I was stoned? Or if my zit farm actually started to grow or something? Or MGK moved into my actual house?! It’s not worth it.

  TUESDAY 22ND SEPTEMBER

  8.13 p.m.

  Gran is worried that her usual birds have not come back this morning. She is concerned that they might be confused somewhere after eating her drug muffins. She thinks the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds would HATE her if they knew that she had fed robins and blackbirds skunk. They would launch a full investigation and she’d totally be front page of the Daily Mail. She says she can see the headline now: “Evil Pensioner Drugs Wildlife For Her Own Evil Kicks”.

  9.34 p.m.

  Gran has found 4 stoned birds in the garden! They are too drugged-up to fly but they’re eating everything in sight. Gran is worried because they are SO chilled out it’ll be really easy for cats to kill them. She then tried to give ME a lecture on using drugs!!! “See what dope does to you, Hattie?” I said, “Gran, it’s your fault that they’re like that – and I’m not a chaffinch!”

  WEDNESDAY 23RD SEPTEMBER

  7.46 p.m.

  Gran has set up a direct debit for the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. It’s out of guilt.

  THURSDAY 24TH SEPTEMBER

  4.36 p.m.

  Just when you thought school actually couldn’t get any more BORING we found out that our trip is to the Science Museum to see … wait for this … “100 Years of Plastics”. I cannot believe someone has actually thought it would be a good idea to fill a room full of washing-up bowls and pens and make people look at it!

  FRIDAY 25TH SEPTEMBER

  10.32 p.m.

  OMG – SERIOUSLY think I may have come up with the best plan ever. They always give us an hour at the end of the day to do what we want at the museum. I reckon we can EASILY get across London on the Underground and visit Topshop on Oxford Street. It’ll be a Wednesday so there will be hardly anyone around at 3 o’clock! Texting Dimps and Jen NOW.

  SATURDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER

  1.12 a.m.

  Dimple and Jen are ON for the TOPSHOP TRIP (TST). And it gets even better – Jen thinks we can also make it to Camden Market and get some vintage emo stuff. She has wanted a full-length velvet cape for AGES! I think I’d go more for a HOT black leather pencil skirt. OFFICIALLY even hotter than ANYTHING MGK owns.

  SUNDAY 27TH SEPTEMBER

  6.34 p.m.

  Spent all day planning the TST. Feel guilty because Mum came up with a coffee for me without me even asking and said, “Hattie, I am really proud of you for concentrating so hard on your homework.”

  8.12 p.m.

  The Science Museum is in South Kensington. We can get to Oxford Street in about 20 minutes. Then round Topshop in record time and back – no one will even notice we are gone!

  Just realized there is no way we can do Camden Market too. I will have to break it to Jen.

  9.01 p.m.

  Jen is gutted as she thinks a cape would strengthen her Wiccan abilities – but she understands that Topshop MUST come first.

  MONDAY 28TH SEPTEMBER

  4.57 p.m.

  A load of other girls have heard what we are planning to do – now they all want to come. Here is the problem – if the whole class ends up going shopping we will be in the worst trouble ever. We have had to officially ban Dibbo Hannah from being involved at ALL. We went on a school trip last year and she got her arm stuck in a postbox.

  TUESDAY 29TH SEPTEMBER

  7.02 p.m.

  MGK threatened to tell Matfield about the TST until she realized that it is NOT COOL to tell teachers about anything. She has now promised not to tell anyone unless she is tortured.

  7.55 p.m.

  Who would torture MGK?!

  8.25 p.m.

  Dimple says torture for MGK is not wearing lip gloss. LOL. FACT.

  9.13 p.m.

  They have given us a quiz about plastics to fill in as we go round the exhibition tomorrow. We are paying Dibbo Hannah with a zebra bangle from Topshop to fill ours in.

  9.26 p.m.

  TOPSHOP HERE WE COME!!!

  WEDNESDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER

  8.45 p.m.

  I am currently in my bedroom after the worst day of my life.

  Mum just brought me up a bowl of soup. I only get soup if I’m ill or in trouble. I’m in trouble. The biggest trouble ever. I haven’t been in this much trouble since I drew a poo factory in primary school.

  I think I may have ruined my life – for a skirt.

  10.53 p.m.

  TOTAL disaster.

  We left the Science Museum
at 3 and the bus was due to pick us up at 4.30. Dimple had brought her rucksack so we could hide all of our Topshop bags in there. We gave ourselves 20 minutes to get to Topshop, 20 minutes to get back, and half an hour there.

  First of all we got on the wrong train, headed towards Heathrow – not Cockfosters (HA!!! COCKfosters – who thought that was a good name?!). Then there was a suspect package at Green Park, which meant we couldn’t change there so we had to go to some other station and then there was a naked protest by an animal rights group so we couldn’t stop there! I know rabbits and guinea pigs matter but why today?!!

  We didn’t get to Topshop till 3.45. We only had time to buy one thing each, and Dimple ended up being searched twice because of her rucksack.

  Then Weirdo Jen thought she had spotted Kate Moss going into the changing rooms so we all followed her in – and it just turned out to be another skinny woman with blonde hair.

  Back on the Tube and it was EVIL – people tutting and pushing us out of the way. No one cared. Jen said we should wait for a less crowded train but every train that came was so packed you couldn’t get on it. Then a man in a bobble hat carrying 6 empty plastic bags approached Dimple and asked her if she was related to Jesus. So we just got on any train we could, in 3 separate carriages.

  Dimple and me managed to find each other and made it back to the Science Museum at 5 p.m. Matfield was waiting for us, and just roared, “WHERE IS JENNIFER?!” And when we said we didn’t know SHE TURNED INTO A MENTAL. Did we know how much trouble we had caused? Did we know how much trouble we were in? Did we know we could have been killed? When I said we had only nipped to Topshop – not France – Bitchface Matfield SCREAMED, “GET ON THE BUS NOW!”

  Just at that moment Weirdo Jen turned up – she said she was late because she was “soaking up the urban madness”, and “trying to find peace in chaos”. She also said it was a well-known fact that those “stuck between 2 worlds often use the Tube system”, and that the “Underground is closed at night because no one wants to work on it as it’s actually too scary”. At that point Matfield nearly exploded.

  When we got on the bus it all went TOTALLY silent. Miss Gorgeous Knickers did one of her super-smug smiles but FLORENCE (ultimate rebel) nodded her approval. She said we were beyond amazing and she would have LOVED to have come.

  When we got back to the school the headteacher was waiting for us. We are not to come into school tomorrow, and she would like to see us all on Friday – to talk about “our futures”.

  THURSDAY 1ST OCTOBER

  10.01 a.m.

  Mum has been up. LISTEN TO THIS:

  MUM: What the HELL did you think you were doing? You are only 14!

  ME: All I did was nip to Topshop! We had seen everything else in the craptacular stinking Science Museum. I can even tell you what happens when you fart in a spacesuit!

  MUM: That is not the issue – YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!

  ME: But I could be killed here!

  MUM: There is more chance of dying in London because it is full of mad people. It was supposed to be an educational trip and you squandered it. If you don’t start taking your education seriously you won’t be able to go to university.

  ME: MUM, I WANT to be a fashion designer or a chef and I don’t need to go to university for either of those. Gordon Ramsay didn’t. Jamie Oliver didn’t. Chanel didn’t!!!

  MUM: They were incredibly talented!

  ME: OH THANKS, MUM. Are you saying that I am not?!!

  MUM: Yes, I am. You’ve got a lot to learn.

  ME: WELL, THANKS, MUM. THANKS A LOT.

  And then I started crying and she said, “Don’t turn on the waterworks, Hattie!” so I shouted, “I want to go and live with Gran!”

  But I can’t. I’m not allowed to live in sheltered accommodation.

  FRIDAY 2ND OCTOBER

  6.12 p.m.

  Mrs Cob had us all in today. Dimple looked like she had been crying a lot as she’s never really been in trouble before.

  Mrs Cob said she was very disappointed with all of us, as she saw us as intelligent young ladies who were destined for really quite good things, but we put the superficial world of retail before satisfying an enquiring mind.

  This from the woman who clearly last went shopping in the last century!

  Anyway we are suspended till next Wednesday. And in that time we have to do a whole project on the formation of plastics to make up for what we missed at the crapping stinking rubbish SCIENCE MUSEUM, which should be closed permanently as it is the most BORING PLACE ON EARTH.

  7.46 p.m.

  Just remembered that the Science Museum had a pair of Roman tweezers – which means that even 2,000 years ago bushy eyebrows were a problem!

  8.12 p.m.

  And there was a reusable condom – URGH!!!

  Actually perhaps it’s an all right place.

  I’ve messed up big time, haven’t I?

  SATURDAY 3RD OCTOBER

  2.12 p.m.

  Nylon, which is a plastic, was first used for stockings and tights.

  OK, perhaps plastic is useful.

  4.32 p.m.

  Gran has heard what has happened – she wants to see me tomorrow.

  SUNDAY 4TH OCTOBER

  12.01 p.m.

  Gran just went MENTAL at me. Is there anyone that isn’t cross with me?

  1.14 p.m.

  Answer? No. Dimple’s parents have rung my mum to say that I am leading their daughter into bad behaviour – and my mum agreed!

  2.01 p.m.

  Dimple just texted to apologize for her parents.

  They are making her bath her gran every day. That’s a terrible punishment. Even her ears are hairy.

  7.54 p.m.

  My brother just came in and said, “Hats – all this will be forgotten in a week … until I remind them FOR EVER!!!”

  I’d like to see my brother in a museum. Dead and stuffed and behind glass.

  MONDAY 5TH OCTOBER

  5.23 p.m.

  My life just gets better… Goose came round and gave me a lecture, and said I should stop being such a pain in the arse.

  When I went to say, “But I don’t know my dad”, Goose interrupted and said, “Hattie, that’s no excuse – and it’s tedious. Loads of people love you – including me. London is dangerous. Even Kate Moss wears a stab-proof Prada bra.”

  I think the Kate Moss bit is crap but he might be right on the rest of it.

  TUESDAY 6TH OCTOBER

  4.32 p.m.

  Back to school tomorrow. Dreading it. Wonder if we will be seen as cool or stupid?

  WEDNESDAY 7TH OCTOBER

  6.12 p.m.

  The answer is: stupid.

  MGK has told everyone that we are really naïve as we don’t understand the “true wild nature of the capital”. Apparently when she goes to London she leaves a whole day for Topshop. Everyone does. “Except chavs from the Midlands who don’t understand fashion.”

  Handed in my plastic project and the worst thing is Matfield, the evil cow, didn’t even read it. She just ripped it up in front of our eyes saying, “If you waste my time, I am going to waste yours.” I could have written anything or just repeated the word “pants” for 12 pages!!! Do teachers actually do what they are paid to do?!

  THURSDAY 8TH OCTOBER

  7.53 a.m.

  Topshop disaster was over a week ago yet I am having to tell Mum EVERY TIME I do ANYTHING. I cannot even go to the toilet without a full description of what’s going on. She even watches me brush my teeth.

  8.34 p.m.

  Miss Gorgeous Knickers has bought herself a small dog. She is carrying it around everywhere and has called it Princess. It’s like this skinny thing with big eyes and a pink bow on.

  Well, they say that dogs look like their owners.

  AND SHE HAD THE NERVE TO CALL ME A CHAV!

  FRIDAY 9TH OCTOBER

  5.34 p.m.

  LOL!

  Like a complete DOUGHNUT, MGK brought Princess into school! She got free du
ring assembly and went mental. Mrs Bitchface Matfield was screaming, “Who brought that dog in here? Bringing pets into school is strictly against school rules!”

  Princess ran around for ages until someone managed to catch her by offering her a HobNob from the staffroom. MGK was furious: “Don’t feed my darling human snacks – she’ll get fat!” TOTALLY RIDICULOUS!

  I bet if Princess did get fat, MGK would get rid quick.

  We were all pissing – till Matfield said “TOPSHOP IDIOTS, STOP LAUGHING.”

  WHEN can we ALL MOVE ON?!

  SATURDAY 10TH OCTOBER

  4.23 p.m.

  Just spoke to Dimple, who follows MGK on Twitter (Dimple follows everyone – even the prime minister.) Apparently MGK is unhappy with Princess as she ate the bow on her head, and refuses to wear fashion accessories – including her fake diamanté Gucci collar (REALLY classy).