OMG! Is This Actually My Life? Hattie Moore's Unbelievable Year!

by Rae Earl

  That’ll be because she’s a dog – not a Barbie doll.

  7.34 p.m.

  Dimple just told me that MGK tweeted about “stupid Topshop chavs who are cruel to her dog”. I’ve told Dimple we are suing. We cannot be seen as people who are chavs.

  7.39 p.m.

  Or people who are cruel to animals.

  8.14 p.m.

  Mum says no way can we afford to sue. And perhaps we are Topshop chavs as we put clothes before school. Which she thinks is really chav. No, Mum, it’s NORMAL.

  SUNDAY 11TH OCTOBER

  2.12 p.m.

  Princess has chewed the sofa and peed all over the carpet. The vet says that Princess is showing classic stress symptoms and may have small dog syndrome.

  MGK is apparently regretting her decision to get a dog. Not as much as her mum’s carpet is! LOL!

  5.32 p.m.

  I think I love Princess. She chewed one of MGK’s stilettos and crapped in her wardrobe. Weirdo Jen says animals often have a very keen sense of a person’s true heart. I think Princess is psychic and has picked up that MGK is pure evil.

  MONDAY 12TH OCTOBER

  12.34 p.m.

  It’s official! MGK is getting rid of Princess. Her mum cannot take it any more and she doesn’t have the right Dyson to pick up dog hair.

  MGK is fine with it because she has failed to bond with Princess and thinks she may be a mental anyway.

  5.23 p.m.

  Told Gran about Princess. She likes a dog with attitude and would be quite happy to take her on. She wants me to ask MGK how much she is selling her for. Gran says she wants MGK to realize that we are “a family with a bit of disposable income”. That means tomorrow I will have to have a conversation about a dog, with a dog! LOL!!!

  TUESDAY 13TH OCTOBER

  4.16 p.m.

  MGK LOVED the fact that my gran wants Princess and couldn’t wait to ask, “But is she sure she can afford it?!”

  MGK wanted £200 as she is Kennel Club registered. The thought of my gran giving that cow money so she can buy yet more gorgeous outfits makes me sick.

  WEDNESDAY 14TH OCTOBER

  7.34 p.m.

  This is SUPERB! MGK’s parents say she has to GIVE Gran Princess for FREE as well as all the bowls and everything, as it’s only fair if she is taking the responsibility.

  My gran is a TOTAL HERO. TEAM GRAN AND PRINCESS EPIC WIN!

  8.16 p.m.

  MGK’s parents actually seem to be quite nice. Perhaps she’s adopted!

  THURSDAY 15TH OCTOBER

  1.34 p.m.

  Gran just texted. Princess has arrived! MGK’s parents dropped her off about half an hour ago.

  2.10 p.m.

  Princess has been rolling in her own poo in Gran’s back garden.

  3.23 p.m.

  Princess ripped up one of Gran’s scarves and has eaten half a box of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

  3.55 p.m.

  Princess has puked up a quarter of a box of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

  Princess is the ultimate rebel. She’s her own woman – even though she’s actually a dog.

  FRIDAY 16TH OCTOBER

  6.49 p.m.

  Gran has taken Princess to bingo. Gran put her in a special harness and wore dark glasses pretending to be blind. It’s all because people with visual impairments get an extra-large bingo card, a free dabber, and 10% off chicken and chips in the early-bird bingo sessions. Gran and Princess are like partners in crime.

  I think they are a bad influence on each other – if they were at school they would be split up.

  9.34 p.m.

  Jen thinks Princess and Gran knew each other in a past life. Her theory is that they were soldiers who died in a war. When I asked Jen why Princess had been reincarnated as a dog, Jen said it’s probably because it’s the last thing the soldier saw before he died.

  10.32 p.m.

  OMG – please don’t let the last thing I see be a worker ant.

  10.35 p.m.

  Or a massive pair of Gran’s knickers.

  SATURDAY 17TH OCTOBER

  5.13 p.m.

  I had to take Princess for a walk today. She refused point-blank to leave Gran – I had to PULL her all the way to the mini-mart, and when I tied her up outside she made such a fuss it was unbelievable. She started whining and moaning at the top of her voice, and I came back out to find there was a whole crowd round her saying, “Ohhh – are they cruel to you?” When I tried to explain to them that Princess was the most spoilt dog in the history of the universe and Gran cooked her a sirloin steak every other day and even let her choose her own TV programmes, they just tutted and said I shouldn’t leave her outside in the rain. Then as soon as I untied her she ran home and wouldn’t stop running till she was at Gran’s front door. Gran couldn’t wait to get her dry while I was just left there to get pneumonia.

  8.12 p.m.

  Gran has asked me to dog-sit Princess tomorrow while she has an emergency appointment at the chiropodist. When I said, “But it’s Sunday,” Gran said, “Corns as bad as mine don’t observe the Sabbath, Hattie.”

  SUNDAY 18TH OCTOBER

  7.12 p.m.

  I think today there may have been a complete miracle, but I have got a MAJOR dilemma on my hands.

  Princess went MENTAL the moment Gran left the house. While she was crying I googled baby cries when parent leaves the room and basically Princess has something called “separation anxiety”. It said “try to comfort and rock the baby” so I put Princess in my arms. She was fine for 30 seconds – THEN SHE BIT ME and ran upstairs straight under Gran’s bed. I tried to get her out with a Mars bar but she was having none of it, so I had to get under the bed with her.

  That’s when I saw it: LOADS of stuff that belonged to Mum. ALL in her handwriting. Her name scribbled all over everything. Old CDs, school certificates (she was good at DRAMA!) and a box labelled:

  Memories

  OMG – inside the box were 3 books dated 1994, 1995 and 1996. I HAVE FOUND MUM’S ACTUAL DIARIES. I was NEARLY SICK.

  Princess tried to eat them but I barked at her and she ran off. And then – AND THIS IS TYPICAL – I was just about to read them when Gran opened the front door. I cacked it, ran downstairs and pretended I’d been to the toilet. Gran was too busy patting Princess to care.

  1996. That’s the year I was born.

  That diary MUST have my real dad in it.

  Thank you, Princess. You shall now be known as Princess the Wonder Dog.

  I have to work out a way to spend time in Gran’s house. There MUST be a way.

  It’s half-term. I’ve got a week to find out the truth.

  9.03 p.m.

  I’ve called an emergency meeting of the NFPG. Jen and Dimple will have some ideas. They know how important this is to me.

  10.45 p.m.

  I know I sound like a mental barking at Princess – but it was an emergency.

  10.52 p.m.

  Why are diaries belonging to Mum at Gran’s house? It MUST be because there’s stuff in them she doesn’t want me to see. She used to hide my Christmas presents around Gran’s house in EXACTLY the same way.

  MONDAY 19TH OCTOBER

  2.34 p.m.

  Jen and Dimple have just been round. They thought I wanted to discuss whether it was fair or not that I read my mum’s diaries! OF COURSE IT’S FAIR. SHE READ MINE!

  Dimple says 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Jen warned me I could be encouraging bad karma. I think this is my mum’s karma for invading MY privacy! Anyway it’s not about revenge – it’s about finding out about my dad.

  When they saw me getting pissy they started talking about ways to read the diaries. Jen suggested pretending to faint by Gran’s bed and while I am “unconscious”, flicking through. That would never work. Dimple, however, is a total genius as she said, “Offer to clean your gran’s house. You will get to read them and she will think you are magnificent!”

  That’s EXACTLY what I am going to do tomorrow.

  9.34 p.m.

&nbs
p; Told Goose about the plan. He said he understood that I wanted to read the diaries but I might not like what I read.

  What does THAT mean?!!

  TUESDAY 20TH OCTOBER

  9.28 a.m.

  Gran just got massively offended at me offering to clean her house.

  She snapped: “I am quite capable of cleaning my own place, Hattie. Are you suggesting I am dirty?” When I said no, she said, “I’m not ready to go into a home YET, young lady!”

  Texted Dimple. She said she’d forgotten my gran was a bit eccentric.

  12.01 p.m.

  Perhaps I can just go round Gran’s every day and pretend to go to the toilet lots.

  That’s gross, but what choice have I got?

  1.23 p.m.

  Just googled going to the toilet lots . Might pretend I am diabetic. Diabetics go to the loo every 5 minutes.

  2.45 p.m.

  Jen suggested that I just take the books. Gran will probably NEVER check – it’s under the bed. All I need to do is sneak in there and get them.

  6.04 p.m.

  Just rang Gran and asked her if I could come and see her tomorrow. She said, “Sorry, Hattie – Princess and I are going to a special line dance for pets and their owners.”

  7.01 p.m.

  Mum has heard that I offered to clean Gran’s house. She’s now offering to let me clean our house.

  My brother thinks this is hilarious. It’s not.

  WEDNESDAY 21ST OCTOBER

  5.32 p.m.

  Mum came in today and asked me why I like spending so much time with Gran. She wondered if it was because I didn’t feel like I could talk to my own mum. I couldn’t say, “No, Mum, it’s because I want to read your diaries”, so I just pretended that it was because Gran had nicer biscuits at her house.

  Mum didn’t believe it but she couldn’t argue as it is actual fact that Gran has M&S chocolate digestives and we have Asda rich tea at most.

  THURSDAY 22ND OCTOBER

  8.23 a.m.

  YES!!!

  Gran has to go to a funeral this afternoon of one of her bingo friends.

  She had bought Princess a black waterproof dog coat and everything but apparently the crematorium doesn’t allow any pets at all. So I have to dog-sit…

  WHICH MEANS I GET TO TAKE THE DIARIES!!!

  6.21 p.m.

  I HAVE THEM!!!

  I sneaked them out in my school bag. Gran didn’t even care – she was too busy giving Princess 12 mini sausage rolls and the remains of a gala prawn ring. My gran always brings some of the buffet home. She went to a wedding once and put half a hog roast in her clutch bag.

  I am going on about Gran because I am so nervous about what I’m about to read.

  7.02 p.m.

  I’ll start with 1994. I need to know everything.

  8.23 p.m.

  OMG – my mum’s life was so boring in 1994.

  The diary is only half filled in and it’s full of craptacular facts like “Nathan said ‘cat’ for the first time today” or “Nathan ate his first sausage today!” WHO CARES? I cannot believe my brother was annoying me years before I was born!

  If it’s not about Nathan it’s about how much she loves Take That! It’s pathetic.

  There doesn’t seem to be anything about men or love or anything. IT’S DULLSTER BEYOND BELIEF.

  And she was 21 at the time – OLD!!! And she calls me immature.

  9.04 p.m.

  Dimple and Jen have both texted tonight asking about the diaries. I have told them the truth:

  They are MORE BORING THAN RS.

  I’m moving on to 1995 tomorrow.

  FRIDAY 23RD OCTOBER

  2.35 p.m.

  I’ve had to get Goose round. 1995 is unbelievable. I take it all back. Listen to this:

  27/4/95

  I know it’s wrong but all I can think of is C. I know he’s moved on and I accept that. No, I don’t. He’s the love of my life. I have to pretend every day that I’m fine with everything but I can’t – I love him. He’s great with Nathan – a brilliant dad. We must be able to make it work – we were young when it all happened, but … I have to see him every day with her. Yes, she’s beautiful but she’s a bit … up herself. I pretend to be fine. But I’m not. I’m not. I’m dying inside.

  Goose agrees “C” must be Carlo. I’m a bit gutted because it seems like he was nice to Nathan when HE was a baby. So what was MY problem? Goose says I need to read more before I think of things like that.

  The trouble is I keep getting disturbed – Mum keeps coming in my room, Nathan keeps coming in being STUPID, and Rob keeps coming in and starting conversations that go nowhere. It’s because they think I seem a bit sad.

  It’s not – it’s because I AM TRYING TO CONCENTRATE! LEAVE ME ALONE.

  SATURDAY 24TH OCTOBER

  8.12 p.m.

  My mum’s life in 1995 was like something you see on TV.

  21/5/95

  C came round to see Nathan. He talked about her and how excited he is about the baby. I asked him if he was happy and he just said, “I miss you so, so much” and we kissed there and then. I said, “Stay the night”, and he said, “I can’t… I can’t… She needs me!” I shouted, “I’ve GOT your baby!” And then “Back for Good” came on the radio and C started to cry and just left.

  So confused. I know he wants me. He MUST do.

  AND!!!

  7/6/95

  C stayed last night. It was amazing. How can I do this? I work with her!

  I see her all the time. I know it’s dreadful but I accepted it and so should she. He said, “In a way she was just borrowing me – wasn’t she?” I feel awful. She’s having his baby. She’s vulnerable. But love is love – you can’t deny it!

  If I said anything like that Mum would go mental!!

  The FACTS SO FAR: my mum is having an affair with a colleague’s partner who used to be her partner and Mum and this other woman have to see each other every day at work. And her friend is pregnant.

  Seriously it’s like Coronation Street!!!

  10.39 p.m.

  OMG – suddenly realized that somewhere out there I have a half-sister or brother!

  Please NOT another Nathan. PLEASE.

  SUNDAY 25TH OCTOBER

  4.12 p.m.

  How can I go back to school tomorrow and concentrate? I am in the middle of finding out everything about my life!

  Dimple thinks I should throw myself into my school work to forget about the diaries, but EVERY DAY there’s a new revelation. Today it was:

  14/6/95

  Mum came round. She warned me about him. She says I know what he’s like and I should keep well away. It will come to no good – like last time. I told her she stayed with MY dad despite the fact he went to prison for stealing letters when he was a postman. She was angry at that but she can’t deny he’s a great dad to Nathan. And Nathan needs a father. You can tell already he has attitude!

  My GRANDAD WENT TO PRISON. The way Gran talks about him you would think he’d been a saint!

  MONDAY 26TH OCTOBER

  4.09 p.m.

  Who cares about ANYTHING they can teach me at school – want to get home to read!

  8.23 p.m.

  Mum kept talking to me tonight. Then Dimple wanted some advice on lipstick (!), then Jen texted me to say she had had a worrying sense that my aura was unsettled.

  ARGGGHH!!!!!

  Everyone, just leave me alone.

  11.02 p.m.

  Mum still sleeping with C. Nathan won’t sleep at night and Robbie Williams has left Take That. Mum cried and is worried that she feels over-sensitive about it all.

  No mention of ME yet.

  11.10 p.m.

  That was all 1995, by the way. Though Nathan is still annoying now.

  TUESDAY 27TH OCTOBER

  4.56 p.m.

  FINALLY!!!

  2/7/1995

  I must be. It feels just like it did with Nathan. I am crying at everything – Yellow Pages adverts, poor Robbie leaving Ta
ke That. I daren’t go to the doctor. I just know though. And I know this will make him come back to me. I’m carrying his baby now. It’s a mess but I’m not sorry. He’ll come back.

  I hope it’s a girl. I’ve always wanted a girl.