The Wonder Weeks
Page 24
Steven’s mom, 51st week
The Virtue of Patience
It’s important to keep your patience with your baby as he tries to learn new skills. When you see he is not interested, stop. He will be occupied enough with other things that are more interesting to him at that moment.
“I’m very busy practicing saying ‘daddy’ with my boy and playing games like ‘Where’s your nose?’ But so far, we’ve had little result. He just laughs, jumps around, and would rather bite my nose or pull my hair. But I’m happy enough that he’s become such a lively little fellow.”
Frankie’s mom, 49th week
“I try to sing songs with my son, but I don’t feel as if they are doing much good. He doesn’t seem particularly interested. He seems to be preoccupied by his surroundings.”
John’s mom, 47th week
Between 47 and 52 weeks, another period of comparative ease sets in. For 1 to 3 weeks, you may be amazed by your baby’s cheerfulness and independence. She may pay much better attention when you talk. She may seem calmer and more controlled when she is at play, and she may play well on her own again. She may want to be put back in her playpen—she may not even want to be taken out. And finally, she may look remarkably older and wiser. She is growing into a real toddler now.
Top Toys for This Wonder Week
Here are toys and things that most babies like best now
Wooden trains with stations, bridges, and sidings
Toy cars
Dolls with toy bottles
Drum, pots, and pans to beat on
Books with pictures of animals
Sandboxes with bucket and spade
Balls of all sizes, from Ping-Pong balls to large beach balls
Giant plastic beads
Stuffed animals, especially the ones that make music when you squeeze them
Bicycles, cars, or tractors that he can sit on himself and move around
Primo blocks
Small plastic figures of people or animals
Mirrors
Remember to put away or take safety precautions with electrical outlets, stairs, stereo equipment, televisions, vacuum cleaners, washing machines, pets, and small objects such as knickknacks, pins, or little pieces of colored glass.
“My daughter is getting lovelier by the day. She keeps getting better at entertaining herself. She can really keep herself occupied with something now. I got the playpen out again this week. But the thing I found most striking was that she doesn’t at all seem to mind spending an hour or so in it anymore, whereas a few weeks ago she’d scream hysterically if I took her anywhere near it. It’s as if she’s discovering her toys all over again and enjoying the peace and quiet in the playpen.”
Ashley’s mom, 52nd week
“My daughter has become a real playmate for her older sister. She responds exactly like you’d expect her to. They do a lot more things together. They take their bath together as well. Both of them enjoy each other tremendously.”
Hannah’s mom, 47th week
“These were lovely weeks. My son is more of a buddy again. The day care center is working out fine. He always enjoys seeing the other children and comes home in a good mood. He sleeps better at night. He understands a lot more and seems fascinated by the toys he plays with. He crawls into another room on his own again, too, and laughs a lot. I’m enjoying every minute with him.”
Bob’s mom, 51st week
Chapter 10
Wonder Week 55:
The World of Programs
Note: The first phase (fussy period) of this leap into the perceptual world of "programs" is age-linked and predictable, emerging between 49 and 53 weeks. Most babies start the second phase (see box "Quality Time: An Unnatural Whim" on page 17) of this leap 55 weeks after full-term birth. The first perception of the world of programs sets in motion the development of a whole range of skills and activities. However, the age at which these skills and activities appear for the first time varies greatly and depends on your baby's preferences, experimentation and physical development. For example, the ability to perceive programs is a necessary precondition for "washing dishes" or "vacuum cleaning," but these skills normally appear anywhere from 55 weeks to many months later. Skills and activities are mentioned in this chapter at the earliest possible age they might appear so you can watch for and recognize them. (They may be rudimentary at first.) This way you can respond to and facilitate your baby's development.
Every child’s first birthday is a significant occasion. The end of the first year means for many parents the beginning of the end of babyhood. Your little cherub is about to become a toddler. In many ways, of course, she is still a baby. She still has so much to learn about her world—which has become such an interesting place to explore. She can get around so much better now, though, and she has become adept at getting into everything that interests her.
Shortly after the first birthday, at around 55 weeks, your little one will have gone through another big change in her mental development and will be ready to explore the world of programs. This will make her seem even more like a little person with her own way of approaching the world. A watchful parent will begin to see the blossoming of a new understanding in the toddler’s way of thinking.
The word “programs” is very abstract. Here’s what it means in this context. In the past leap in development, your baby learned to deal with the notion of sequences—the fact that events follow one after another or objects fit together in a particular way. A program is a degree more complicated than a sequence since it allows the end result to be reached in any number of ways. Once your child becomes capable of perceiving programs, she can begin to understand what it means to do the laundry, set the table, eat lunch, tidy up, get dressed, build a tower, make a phone call, and the millions of other things that make up everyday life. These are all programs.
The main characteristic of a program is that it has a goal but that the steps taken to accomplish it are flexible. This is how it differs from a sequence, which is the same every time. An example of a sequence is counting from 1 to 10. You do it the same way each and every time. Dusting is an example of a program. You do not necessarily have to dust an object in the same way each time—you can dust the legs of a table first and then the top, or the other way around. Every time that you dust, you can choose the sequence that you feel is best for that day, that room, that chair, and your mood. However you choose to do it, the program you are working with remains “dusting.” So a program can be seen as a network of possible sequences that you can carry out in a variety of ways. The options may be limited in dusting, but if you think of examples such as “going on vacation” or “changing jobs,” the programs become very complex.
Your child can now think of a goal, such as “going shopping,” and know that this may mean putting on hats, coats, and boots and getting in the car. Or she may be eager to “help” you—doing the cleaning, taking the dog for a walk, and putting away the groceries. She may insist on doing things herself—washing her hands, feeding herself, even undressing herself.
As your child changes, you may feel that she is more unpredictable than ever. Interpreting her actions used to be easy when they were part of simple sequences, because one thing always led to the next in a familiar pattern. Now her world is much more flexible and any action can form part of any program. This is confusing for you both. Until you get used to the way she is operating, some of her actions may be hard to understand because you can’t guess what she’s trying to achieve any more. This leap will also be apparent in her play. She will begin to be interested in some of her toys all over again, and you may notice for the first time a budding imagination and more complex play.
Between 49 and 53 weeks, your child begins to perceive that her world is changing again. While she is sorting out this new complexity, she will need some extra comfort and support, and this makes her appear fussy and demanding for a while. This fussy period will often last for 4 or 5 weeks, but it can be as short as 3 weeks
or as long as 6. If your baby is cranky, watch her closely. There’s a good chance that she’s attempting to master new skills.
Your child may cry more easily than he did during the past weeks. Children are usually quicker to cry now than their mothers have been used to. They want to be near their mothers, preferably all day long. Some children are much more insistent about this than others are, of course. They may also seem cranky, unmanageable, and temperamental.
“My son could be pretty bad-tempered at times. Not all the time—he would play on his own for a while, but then suddenly it was all over and he would be terribly weepy for quite some time. Then he would want me to hold him. And all of this commotion would take place in just one morning.”
Bob’s mom, 52nd week
“My daughter was very quick to cry. All I had to do was say ‘no,’ and she’d have an immediate crying fit. It was not like her at all.”
Eve’s mom, 52nd week
Children usually cry less when they are with their mothers or when their mothers are somehow occupied with them, playing with them, or watching them.
“While my little girl is doing things, I’m supposed to stay sitting on the sofa, preferably not doing anything myself. I long for the day when I’ll be able to knit something quietly while I’m sitting there.”
Emily’s mom, 53rd week
“Whenever I’m busy doing something, my son wants to be picked up. But once he’s on my lap, he wants to get off quickly again, and he expects me to follow him around. He’s absolutely impossible.”
Frankie’s mom, 52nd week
How You Know It’s Time to Grow
It’s still too early for your little one to tell you in words how he’s feeling. But still, he is able to express the turmoil he feels inside. Here’s how.
He May Cling to Your Clothes
Your little one may start clinging more to you again—many children do at this age. He may want to be carried around or cling to your legs to prevent you from walking away and leaving him behind. Others do not necessarily need physical contact, but they may keep coming back to be near their mothers for only brief moments or to touch them. Every child comes back for his own brand of “mommy refill.”
“My daughter stays around me more again, plays for a moment, and then comes back to me.”
Hannah’s mom, 54th week
“I can’t do a thing as long as my son is awake. When he’s out of his playpen, he is constantly underfoot, and when he’s in the playpen, I have to stay near him. Otherwise, he’ll throw a screaming fit.”
Frankie’s mom, 55th week
“When I stand up and walk into the kitchen, right away my daughter will come after me and want to be carried. She’ll really make a scene. It’s all terribly dramatic. You’d think something awful was happening.”
Emily’s mom, 53rd week
He May Be Shyer with Strangers
When there are strangers near, your little one may cling to you even more fanatically than he often already did. Once more, many children suddenly want to have less to do with strangers now. Sometimes, this even includes their own family members.
“This week, my daughter would suddenly become extremely upset, and she’d want only to be with me. If I put her down or gave her to my husband, she’d panic.”
Jenny’s mom, 56th week
“My little girl won’t accept anything to eat from strangers, not even a slice of bread or a cookie.”
Nina’s mom, 54th week
But there are also children who want only to be with their fathers.
“My daughter was completely crazy about her father for 2 days. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me then, even though I hadn’t done her any wrong. If he didn’t pick her up right away, she’d start crying.”
Juliette’s mom, 53rd week
He May Want Physical Contact to Be as Close as Possible
Some children hold on as tightly as they can, even when they are being carried. They do not want to be put down—and very likely yours doesn’t either. There are also little ones who do not mind being put down, as long as their mothers don’t walk away. If anyone leaves, it is allowed only to be the little tyrant himself.
“One evening I had to go away. When I set my son down to put on my coat, he started crying, grabbed me, and tugged at my hand, as if he didn’t want me to leave.”
Paul’s mom, 52nd week
“I really have to keep a close eye on my daughter. If I want to set her down to go into the kitchen for a second to get something, she’ll go for the dog, pretend to pet him, while at the same time she pulls out whiskers and tufts of fur.”
Emily’s mom, 53rd week
He May Want to Be Entertained
Your little one may start asking for more attention. Most children do. Demanding ones do this all day long. But even easy, even-tempered children prefer doing things together with their mothers.
“My daughter keeps coming to get me, pulls me along by my hand so we can play together, with her blocks or dolls or to look at a book together.”
Jenny’s mom, 53rd week
He May Be Jealous
Some more possessive children seem to put on an act when their mothers pay attention to someone or something else. They pretend to be cranky, mischievous, or determined to hurt themselves. Others act sweetly and cuddly in an exaggerated way in order to get their mothers’ attention.
“My son gets jealous when I give something to the tiny baby I look after.”
Matt’s mom, 53rd week
“My friend came over with her baby. Every time I said something to her baby, mine would step in between us with this big grin on her face.”
Jenny’s mom, 54th week
He May Be Moody
Your little one may be happily occupied one moment, then become sad, angry, or infuriated the next, for no apparent reason. You may not be able to pinpoint a particular cause.
“Sometimes, my son will sit and play with his blocks like a little angel, but then suddenly he’ll become furious. He shrieks and slams his blocks together or throws them across the room.”
Steven’s mom, 52nd week
He May Sleep Poorly
Your child may sleep less well. Most children resist going to bed, have difficulty falling asleep, and wake up sooner. Some sleep less well during the day, others are restless at night, and still others simply refuse to go to bed quietly at any time.
“This week, I noticed for the first time that my toddler often lies awake for a while at night. Sometimes, she’ll cry a little. If I pick her up, she goes back to sleep in seconds.”
Ashley’s mom, 54th week
“We’d really like our daughter to make less of a fuss about going to sleep. Right now, it involves a lot of screaming and crying, sometimes almost hysterics, even when she’s exhausted.”
Jenny’s mom, 52nd week
“My son is awake a lot during the night, terribly distressed. He really panics. Sometimes, it’s hard to get him to calm down again.”
Bob’s mom, 52nd week
He May “Daydream”
Occasionally, some children can just sit, staring out into nothingness, as if they are in their own little worlds. Mothers do not like this dreaming one bit. Because of this, they will often try to break into these reveries.
“Sometimes, my daughter will sit, slouching and rocking back and forth, gazing into thin air. I always drop whatever I’m doing to shake her and wake her up again. I’m terrified there might be something wrong with her.”
Juliette’s mom, 54th week
He May Lose His Appetite
Many little ones are fussy eaters. Their mothers almost always find this troubling and irritating. A child who is still being breastfed usually wants the breast more often, not because he really wants to nurse, but so he can stay close to his mother.
“My daughter is suddenly less interested in food. Previously, she would finish everything within 15 minutes. She was like a bottomless pit. Now it sometimes takes me half
an hour to feed her.”
Ashley’s mom, 53rd week
“My son sprays his lunch around with his mouth. He dirties everything. The first few days, I thought it was quite funny. Not anymore, I should add.”
Bob’s mom, 53rd week
He May Be More Babyish
Sometimes, a supposedly vanished babyish behavior will resurface. Mothers do not like to see this happen—they expect steady progress. Still, during fussy phases, relapses such as these are perfectly normal. It tells you that progress, in the shape of a new world, is on its way.
“My daughter crawled again a couple of times, but she probably just did it to get attention.”
Jenny’s mom, 55th week
“My daughter is putting things in her mouth a little more often again, just like she used to.”
Hannah’s mom, 51st week
“My son wants me to feed him again. When I don’t do this, he pushes his food away.”
Kevin’s mom, 53rd week
He May Act Unusually Sweet
Some little clingers suddenly come up to their mothers for a few moments just to cuddle with them. Then they are off again.
“Sometimes, my son comes crawling up to me just to be a real sweetie for a moment. He’ll lay his little head very softly on my knees, for instance, very affectionately.”
Bob’s mom, 51st week
“My daughter often comes up for a quick cuddle. She says ‘kiss,’ and then I get one, too.”
Ashley’s mom, 53rd week
He May Reach for a Cuddly Object More Often