The Wonder Weeks

by D van de Rijt

  Around 75 weeks, or 17 months and more than a week, you usually notice that your little one starts trying new things. However, she already felt the leap into the world of systems coming at an earlier age. From week 71, or just over 16 months onwards, your toddler has noticed that her world is changing. A maze of new impressions turns reality on its head. She cannot process the novelty all at once. First she will have to create order out of chaos. She returns to a familiar and safe base. She gets clingy. She needs a “mommy refill.”

  In this last chapter we no longer describe in detail the clues that your baby is about to make a developmental leap. By now these will be familiar to you. For this reason we include just the “My Diary” section below for you to remember. A useful memory aid is the three C’s: CRYING, CLINGINESS and CRANKINESS. Remember that your toddler is only after two things – being near you and having your undivided attention. She is also bigger and smarter now and more capable of finding new ways to these same goals.

  How You Know It’s Time to Grow

  Which one or all of these signs did you notice as your baby started with this leap?

  My Diary

  Signs My Baby Is Growing Again

  Cries more often and is more often cranky or fretful

  Is cheerful one moment and cries the next

  Wants to be entertained, or does so more often

  Clings to your clothes or wants to be closer to you

  Acts unusually sweet

  Is mischievous

  Throws temper tantrums, or throws them more often

  Is jealous

  Is more obviously shy with strangers

  Wants physical contact to be tighter or closer

  Sleeps poorly

  Has nightmares, or has them more often

  Loses appetite

  Sometimes just sits there, quietly daydreaming

  Reaches for a cuddly toy, or does so more often

  Is more babyish

  * * *

  OTHER CHANGES YOU NOTICE

  How This Leap May Affect You

  Initially you were solely concerned that something was wrong with your baby when she became clingy, cranky and cried more often. By the time she was 6 months old, you began to become increasingly annoyed when it became clear that nothing was wrong, but generally you let it pass. After all she was so tiny then. After her first birthday, you started to take action if annoyed and that resulted sometimes in an altercation. You were able to enjoy the true pleasures of parenthood! All parents report that they quarrel with their “teenaging” toddler. Teens have been known to be able to make life rotten for their parents. Toddlers can do it, too. It gives one a preview of what is to come ten years later. It’s part of the bargain.

  You May Become Really Frustrated

  “If she asks me with a whiny voice if I want to do something, I say very friendly: ‘Yes, mommy do you want. ..’ Then she repeats very sweetly: ‘Mommy, do you want. ..’”

  Anna’s mom, 71st week, or a good 16 months

  “I was really annoyed this week. He didn’t want to take his nap. If he doesn’t want to, then he doesn’t have to. It’s easier and it saves me a lot of trouble. Nor does he want to wear a diaper, so I often let him go without.”

  Taylor’s mom, 73rd week, or approaching 17 months

  “It was difficult for me when she completely dominated my time. She was driving me nuts. I thought, ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I try to relax and not to make plans and take things as they come, but it’s not easy.”

  Ashley’s mom, 73rd week, or approaching 17 months

  “Once in a while this week I put him in his playpen, although he was whining and what-not. He was constantly being pushy and impatient. He wanted to get his way all the time.”

  Frankie’s mom, 74th week, or 17 months

  “I was afraid again that I had created a terribly spoiled monster.”

  Elisabeth’s mom, 74th week, or 17 months

  “I tried time and again not to give in, but she always ended up back on my lap.”

  Josie’s mom, 74th week, or 17 months

  You May Argue

  “We regularly get into it. When she sees candy, she wants some but doesn’t always get it. She gives up when she sees that she is not getting any. I don’t get the feeling that this upsets her.”

  Julia’s mom, 72nd- 74th week, or 16-17 months

  “On several occasions, we have had big spats. He’s not allowed to rearrange the kitchen in the vacation house as he does at home. It went fairly well last week, but now he’s stopped listening, so I put him outside with the door open so that he could come back inside, but he didn’t like it one bit.”

  Luke’s mom, 74th week, or 17 months

  How Your Baby’s New Skills Emerge

  Around 75 weeks, or 17 months and a good week, you will notice that a large part of the clinginess disappears. The temper tantrums and quarreling with your “teenaging” toddler subside. She’s back to her enterprising self. You may notice that she has changed, that her behavior is different, that she is becoming very aware of herself as a person, that she thinks differently, and that she has a better sense of time. She plays with her toys differently and her use of fantasy takes off. Her humor has changed. This change in toddlers is evident because at this age your toddler’s ability to perceive systems and to apply the concept of system is emerging. This new ability is the equivalent to a new world opening up. Your toddler, with her talents, preferences and temperament, chooses where she will begin to explore. Try to see what she is doing and help her. But watch out! She wants to do it all by herself.

  “His father claims that he has more patience.”

  Gregory’s mom, 74th week, or 17 months

  “Things went much easier with her, although she is very pig-headed and needs a lot of attention.”

  Juliette’s mom, 75th week, or a good 17 months

  When your toddler enters into the world of systems, he is now able to see clearly over the world of principles. He no longer applies principles as rigidly as before. He is able to adjust his principles to changing circumstances. For instance, he is now able to choose to apply a moral principle, or not. From off this age you can see him develop the earliest beginnings of a conscience, by systematically upholding his norms and values.

  “She jumps when we catch her doing something she’s not allowed. Then she blurts out ‘no.’”

  Jenny’s mom, 73rd week, or approaching 17 months

  The system your toddler lives with day in and day out is the one he knows the best – himself. He is his own person. When the world of systems opens up to him, he starts to develop his notion of self. This has several consequences. Your toddler now discovers that he owns and controls his own body. He also discovers that he can orchestrate things, that he can do things himself, that he can control things, and that he can make decisions, all things that stem from his growing concept of self.

  “Now he expressly does things differently than is expected or is asked of him. For instance if you ask him: ‘Give mom a kiss?’ he gives everyone a kiss, walks to me and says: ‘Hahahahaha’ and doesn’t give me a kiss. It seems to me that he wants to show that he is his own person. That he is no longer one with me, but a separate person. That’s all.”

  Thomas’ mom, 80th week, or a good 18 months

  Your toddler begins to understand that mom and dad are separate people. He starts using terms as “you” and “me” and is also very interested in both mom’s and dad’s physique. He discovers that he has a penis just like his father, and that mom doesn’t. He sizes up all the similarities and differences to a tee. For the first time in his life, your toddler can put himself in someone else’s place, now that he realizes that not all people are alike. For the first time he sees that not everyone likes the same things as he does. That would have never occurred to him when he was younger. We can sum this up with one elegant word, he has become less egocentric. That has all sorts of consequences. He is now able to comfort someone. He is at his
high point in mimicry. He copies anything and everything around him. His imagination comes to life.

  Your explorer is also fascinated by other living creatures: ants, dogs and so forth. They are all systems, too.

  Your “teenaging” toddler starts realizing that he is part of a family, that his family is different from his little friend’s family, whom he visits twice a week. After all, his family is the first human organization he gets to know from the inside, and he makes no mistake about noticing that his little friend’s family doesn’t necessarily have a salad with dinner like his own family. In his family they have a different set of rules.

  Just as your toddler recognizes his family as a system, he begins to distinguish his family from others. He already does the same with his friends, house and neighborhood. He is getting better at finding his way around in the familiar surroundings outside of his house.

  He starts paying great attention to his clothes. He can be quite vain and is very possessive of his toys.

  Your little artist starts to create art with a capital A. He no longer scribbles, now he draws “horses,” “boats” and “himself.” He also begins to appreciate music – that, too, is a system.

  Your toddler starts to develop a sense of time. He is now better able to recall past experiences and to understand better what the future will bring.

  He will now begin forming his first sentences. Not every toddler does this, though. Just as with other skills, children differ greatly in the age at which they start. All toddlers now understand much of what you say to them, but some are not ready to start speaking. Others use several words and constantly mime, but do not yet produce sentences. A few, though, do speak in sentences. Whether or not your toddler does depends on how you interact with him.

  Some examples from the adult world will help to clarify what we mean by a system. Take, for instance, practicing mathematics. On the level of programs, we think, use logic and handle mathematical symbols. On the level of principles, we think about thinking and therefore we think about how we make use of mathematics. On a system level, we look at mathematics as a whole, as an intellectual system.

  In a similar way, the science of physics is a large system consisting of carefully discovered principles. This also applies to the science of biology and the theory of evolution and the accompanying principles of natural selection. This applies to other sciences as well.

  World views or outlooks on life are also systems. Our everyday lives also offer examples of systems. Our approach to diet leads us to formulate principles regarding food, which in turn determines our eating programs. Another example of a system is democracy. Just as with other human organizations, some aspects are tangible and demonstrable, while others are very cursory. By the time someone else is able to see something the same way you do, the situation could have changed completely. We can point to government, the annual budget, or employee hiring practices. What we are unable to do is point to authority, cooperation, back-room politics, compromises or organization in general. You can point to what you think is evidence of its existence, but you can not demonstrate it as easily as you can something simple and tangible, like a rock.

  Other examples of human organizations as systems are family, school, church, the bank, a factory, the army, the government, the soccer club and the bridge club. Such social institutions have the important task of encouraging their members to familiarize themselves with their goals, norms and values. Some institutions insist on it. In the family, it is called socialization. There the learning of values, norms and other principles is practically automatic because toddlers imitate anything and everything they see. There are also countless learning opportunities, where such things are often not emphasized, but acted out as a matter of course.

  It may seem different from a system like physics or mathematics. “That’s way too advanced for such a little fellow,” most people will say. “He won’t learn that until high school.” But if you observe him playing, if you see how he holds a ball under water again and again to see it fly up out of the water, if you watch him endlessly rolling things down an incline or running up and down an incline himself again and again, you cannot ignore that he is experimenting with the fundamental principles of physics to establish systems of his own in his mind, which puts him in good company. It was Newton himself who once experimented with something as simple as a falling apple. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea for physics teachers to seek advice from toddlers at play to come up with a few nice demonstrations for their classes.

  This applies to other systems as well as those of math and physics. A toddler is also interested in basic architecture. He can watch builders for hours or imitate his father making cement. He mixes water and sand the whole day long and then he starts “plastering walls.” His Lego buildings have also become more complex. For instance, he can lay down train tracks and run his trains on them.

  Brain Changes

  Between 16 and 24 months, the number of synapses in the cerebrum vastly increases, both within the various subareas of the cerebrum and in between those subareas. In the second half of the second year, a part of the cerebrum behind the forehead matures (the orbitofrontal lobe), and a cascade of new skills emerge. The right half of the brain develops in leaps and bounds in the first year and a half. Then development in the left half of the brain, where the language centers reside, takes over. As far as the comprehension of single words is concerned, at 20 months, a confinement takes place from the whole cerebrum to a few small areas in the left half.

  Your Toddler’s Choices: A Key to Her Personality

  All toddlers have been given the ability to perceive and control systems. They need years in order to completely familiarize themselves with the wide range of new skills to play with, but as toddlers they take their first tender steps in the world of systems. For instance, at this age, a toddler chooses to work on getting the hang of using her body and leaves speaking for later, using just a few words and no sentences. Or, she may be very busy with her family, friends, house and neighborhood. Or she might prefer the arts, drawing endlessly and listening to music. Just like every toddler, she chooses what best suits her talents, mobility, preferences and circumstances. The very first choices become apparent when she is 75 weeks, or 17 months and a good week. Don’t compare your child with others. Each child is unique and will choose accordingly.

  Take a good look at your toddler. Establish what her interests are. Already you can readily see which talents and preferences she has, as well as her strong points. If your toddler has a high musical intelligence, that will now become clear. Use the list in “My Diary” on pages 384-389 to mark or highlight what your child selects. You may also have a look for yourself to see if there are some systems that you think your child could use or learn. Stop marking when your child begins with the next leap. That is usually when she is approximately 20-21 months old.

  Toddlers are like this

  Anything new to her, your toddler likes the most. Therefore, always react especially to new skills and interests your toddler shows. In that way she learns more pleasantly, easier, quicker and more.

  My Diary

  How My Baby Explores the New World of Systems

  THE CONSCIENCE

  Jumps and blurts out a loud “no” when cau

  Tests you by doing what’s not allowed

  Imitates behavior from TV

  Is hurt and confused by unjust sanctions

  Is able to “lie”

  What I have noticed otherwise:__________

  * * *

  THE NOTION OF SELF

  Me and my body

  I control my body

  I can do things on my own

  I have my own will

  I can decide for myself

  I want power

  What I have noticed otherwise:__________

  * * *

  OUT OF SIGHT BUT NOT OUT OF MIND

  Hides and wants to be found

  Looks for people without just going back to where th
ey were

  What I have noticed otherwise:__________

  * * *

  ME AND YOU

  Grasps that mom and dad are not the same person

  Sizes up similarities and differences to a tee

  Wants to be recognized as his own person

  Can put himself in the place of others

  Can realize that another child wants something different

  Can console another

  Is at his high point in mimicry

  Imagination takes off

  Starts treating toys as autonomous agents

  What I have noticed otherwise:________

  * * *

  OTHER LIVING CREATURES

  Waves at birds and planes

  Smells the plants

  Likes feeding the chickens

  Is interested in bees, ants, ladybugs and the like

  Laughs at nature films with animals doing unusual things

  Wants to water the plants

  What I have noticed otherwise:__________

  * * *

  THE NUCLEAR FAMILY

  Grasps that members of his nuclear family are separate people but still belong together

  Plays the whole day long with stuffed animals, feeds them and puts them to bed

  Grasps that there are other nuclear families with other moms and dads, brothers and sisters

  What I have noticed otherwise:_________

  * * *