Wrong Kind of Love

by Amanda Heath

  “Oh my god. I’m sorry, let me wake him up.” I hear her shuffle around and then I hear Justin grunt. They talk in low voices before Carly comes back on the line. “Here he is, Doll.”

  More shuffles and then, “Kayla, God tell me where you are. Tell me you’re okay. I have been so fucking scared.” I hear tears in his voice and my eyes get blurry. Don’t cry you big baby.

  “It’s so good to hear your voice. I miss you so much, Justin.” I hold back the tears my eyes want to spill. I refuse to cry on the phone with him.

  “I miss you too, Kayla. God things aren’t the same around here without you. You have to come see me. Where are you? I’ll come get you.” His voice washes over me, filling me with old memories and happy times. Times I can never return to.

  “I’m too far away for that. I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to know if you were okay. I figure Daniel would have come to harass you.” I shift in my seat looking around at the dark parking lot. I parked my car in at a Wal-Mart in the middle of nowhere but my paranoia is starting to mess with my head.

  “He did. Threatened me with in an inch of my life if I didn’t tell him where you were. I finally went down to the police station and took a lie detector test. When I passed he left me alone.” He pauses and I imagine him running his hand down his face. That’s a sure sign that he is getting frustrated with me. “Tell me where you are. I will come where ever and get you. I can protect you Kayla. I swear it.”

  “I have Aiden for that. Don’t worry about me.” I hate to let him go but I have been talking to him too long. If I stay on much longer they can trace the call. “Look I have to go. Don’t call this number because it’s a throw away. Just know I miss you and I’m safe.”

  I hang up before I can hear what he says. The phone starts ringing a moment later and the tears start over flowing in my eyes. He was never a good listener. I quickly shut the thing off and get out of the car. I place it right in front of my tire and get back in the car. I run over it until I hear it crunch under the tire. I get back out and stare down at the little pieces that are left. We didn’t talk about the girl who answered his phone but I’m glad he moved on. Because I’m pretty sure no matter who I date or end up with, Caden Harper will be the one I never get over.

  I don’t know the guy, but what I do know is enough to make me start to fall. The way he protects Teagan, while overbearing, he means well and that’s something I share with Aiden. He has amazing talent when it comes to his art. Those paintings are wonderful and beautiful. You can tell they mean something to him and it makes a girl want that kind of attention. But most of all the way he wouldn’t do anything to hurt his brother. Jaden means enough to him that he wouldn’t date me, wouldn’t give us a chance. Yeah it sucks, but you have to swoon a little at it. I wouldn’t give up amazing sex because Aiden liked the guy. Besides the guy probably wouldn’t bat for his team.

  I sigh and get back into my car. Aiden is going to kill me if he ever finds out I called Justin. I just hope it wasn’t the biggest mistake I ever made.

  It’s damn near eight o’clock when I make it back. I took my time driving, just enjoying being alone. When I pull into the parking lot of my dorm my eyes wonder to the front doors. I gasp at seeing Jaden standing there. At first I think he is just waiting on Teagan but his eyes are staring at me through the windshield.

  I swallow hard before getting out of the car. I make my way slowly over to him and stop about a foot away. “Hey.” I say softly not meeting his eyes.

  Before I know it Jaden grabs me by the upper arms and slams his lips down on mine. I’m still for a second in shock before I find myself kissing him back. It’s nice and sweet nothing like Caden’s kisses. There I go comparing. I break away after a minute and look into Jaden’s eyes. “What was that?”

  His whole face lights up as he smiles. He reminds me of an angel, which makes me think of Caden. Damn I need to stop that crap. “I have been thinking of kissing you since I left you last night. It was driving me crazy, so I drove over here before class. Glad I found out.” He pecks my lips once before letting me go.

  “Wait, what did you find out?” I ask while rubbing my index finger over my bottom lip.

  “You taste like Heaven.” Jaden winks before walking away.

  I knew those damn Harper twins where trouble.

  There is this pretty little thing standing near the bar eyeing me over. Her eyes are full of lust and want, but my dick doesn’t even twitch at the low cut top and short skirt she’s wearing. Nor the way she winks at me and licks her lips. She doesn’t have the features of an angel or blonde hair. God when did I become such a girl? Pining away for my brother’s girl. Not that they are official or anything.

  When he came home that night, he and I got into it. He grilled me on what happened. I told him that I didn’t want her. It was a passing fling. I’m seriously glad we don’t have that weird twin trait where we know what the other is thinking. I don’t think I have ever lied to Jaden before. It almost killed me to tell him I don’t want Grace. I just want Jaden to be happy. He takes life to seriously and is married to football. He needs to get laid.

  Though I think about punching him in the face if he fucks Grace. I need help.

  “Hey there sexy, what’s your name?” purrs the chick from the bar. Her dark hair hangs off her head in silky waves but I’m just not feeling it. I really wish I were though. I haven’t gotten laid in forever. Two weeks to be exact, since Grace and I hooked up behind the refreshment stand at Jaden’s game.

  “Not interested.” I say and walk around her. I don’t want to come off as an asshole, but some of these chicks don’t know how to get a clue.

  “What a shame.” She says with a pout in her voice. No really it’s not honey.

  I’m at some stupid bar right off campus that lets in minors, but they are strict on alcohol. They have a pretty decent dance floor and that’s why I come here. I like a girl who can dance. Though none of them are doing it for me tonight.

  When I exit the bar I freeze right there on the sidewalk. My angel is standing across the street with her arms around a blond haired guy. Ever feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest? No? Well that’s how I feel right now. How could she? I feel like I’ve been the bunt of someone’s horrible joke.

  Grace laughs at something the guy says and they break apart. The guy reaches up and cups her cheek and she looks at him with adoring eyes. I’m so fucking mad I don’t even think before I cross the street with my fist balled.

  “What, fucking with my head and my brother’s isn’t enough? You have to have another guy on the side?” I practically scream at them when I get to their side of the street.

  Grace looks startled for a second before anger clouds her features. “Excuse me? Who are you to talk about someone messing with someone’s head?” she clenches her teeth and glares at me.

  The random guy looks amused until I turn my hate filled gaze his way. “Something funny? Did you know she has a freaking boyfriend?”

  Grace gasps and the dude lets out a chuckle. “Look macho man, I think you have the wrong idea.” He reaches his hand out towards me, “My name is David and I’m happily gay.”

  I’m so stunned that I reach out and shake his hand. “Caden Harper.” I say softly.

  “I know who you are. Grace has told me about you and Jaden. It’s nice to finally meet you.” He smirks down at Grace whose cheeks are flushed. Whether from embarrassment or anger I don’t know.

  “I’m sorry that I came over here…all pissed off and shit.” I state meekly.

  David nods before looking down at Grace. “I got to go babe. Call me later.” He gives me the same wave before he starts walking down the street.

  The air around Grace and I gets thick with tension. Now I feel really dumb for running over here acting like a jealous boyfriend. “I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

  “You’re damn right you’re sorry. I can’t believe you just did that! What the hell is your fucking problem?”
she screeches shoving my chest hard with her tiny palms.

  Shocked by her show of violence I blurt out, “I saw you with your hands all over that guy and I got crazy. Okay? You make me fucking crazy!”

  Then my angel gives me a shrug. “The feeling is mutual buddy. Now if you’ll excuse me I have better places to be.”

  I grab her wrist before she can get away. “Grace, I really am sorry. I know you think I’m an asshole and most of the time I am, but I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you.”

  Her eyes go wide and she whips around until that damn index finger is poking me in the chest. Hard. “You did hurt me you son of a bitch. I laid everything out at your damn feet and you didn’t want anything to do with it. I’m done being your little plaything. I don’t want anything to do with you.” She extracts her finger. “Get a fucking life.”

  I run after her before I can stop myself and spin her around. I place my forehead on hers and breathe in her heavenly scent. “You were never a plaything, Grace. You were always something special to me. If I can’t have you, then I’m happy to let my brother have his chance. You are something to be cherished and revered. He will do that.”

  Her blue eyes stare into mine with something I can’t name. It’s amazing though. I wish I could have her everyday looking at me like that. I feel as if my life would be complete. “I don’t want him as much as I want you. He can’t hold a flame to how much I want you. Don’t throw me away for him. He would understand.”

  My hands land on her hips bringing her closer. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t be touching her at all but I can’t help myself. “No he wouldn’t. I would give up a shot with you just so I don’t hurt him.”

  Her hand comes up and slaps me and I feel my head whip back. What is it with this girl and violence? “Shut up! Every word out of your mouth hurts me. Just stop hurting me! I can’t take it anymore! I’ve had enough pain in my life, I don’t want anymore from you.”

  This time when she storms off I let her. Standing alone in the street I wonder if it was all worth it. Grace and I could have had something. It would have been brilliant and beautiful. I let it all go for the love of my brother. As far as I’m concerned blood is thicker than water.

  When I wake up the next morning I hear Jaden banging around in the kitchen. I came straight home last night, but I couldn’t fall asleep for hours. All I could do was picture Grace in my mind and it only made me feel worse.

  I climb out of my bed and head out to get some coffee. Jaden is sitting at the little table with a full cup of coffee sitting in front of him. I give him a nod before reaching up in the cabinet for a cup. When I finish I join him at the table. “You look happy this morning.” I state grumpily. I don’t think I will be happy ever again.

  He smirks before taking a sip of his coffee. “I heard you met David.” Jaden laughs when I cringe.

  “Did she tell you everything?” I question softly.

  “Yeah. I love how you ran over there defending my honor.” He chuckles when I cringe again. Then his face turns serious. “I’m surprised you didn’t freak out. I’m actually really happy you didn’t freak out.”

  “I didn’t have time to freak out. I was so surprised he was gay. It really threw me off.” I shake my head. I have nothing against gay people. Gay guys just make me uneasy. And it’s not because of what you think. They can trigger bad memories that make me do stupid shit.

  “I’m really proud of you. You even shook his hand. Maybe you are finally getting over what happened. I know mom would sleep better if you could move on with your life.” He looks at me encouragingly.

  “I will never be over what that bastard did to me. I might be able to shove it to the back of my head, but I will always have scars whether they are on the surface or on the inside.” I look down at my coffee. I don’t want to remember. I really wish he would stop talking about it.

  “I’m not asking you to get over it. You should be pissed about it. I’m just saying stop letting it rule your life, okay? Nothing like that will ever happen to you again.” I refuse to look at him and I hear him huff.

  “It may never happen to me again, but it will happen to other little boys, Jaden. I feel helpless because I can’t change that fact. It literally makes me sick.” I haven’t cried about what happened to me in years, but I feel tears start to fill up my eyes.

  Jaden clears his throat and I finally look up at him. “There is nothing you can do about that. There are sick bastards in this world. You’re lucky yours got put behind bars. And will never coach football again.”

  “Yeah well, thank God for that.” I tell him before getting up off the chair and heading towards my bedroom.

  When I was twelve years old, I was much like Jaden. Football was my life. I was going to play on the Philadelphia Eagles when I grew up and be a millionaire. That was until one day I was slow getting ready after practice and I somehow ended up being the only boy left over. Coach Mansfield came into the locker room. He didn’t look surprised to see me still there. I was only in my boxer briefs and that was the first time I ever saw anyone with lust in their eyes. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do now.

  I can remember him holding me down and taking off my underpants. I remember the sound of his zipper going down. And I remember the pain. It hurt for days. Then I had to walk out to my mom’s car. To this day she says I haven’t been the same.

  I’m inclined to agree.

  It wasn’t the only time that it happened. I tried to get out of football but my parents wouldn’t let me. I refused to tell them why and I refused to tell anyone what was happening to me. And to this day only Jaden and Mom know. Mom figured it out when the coach was arrested for molesting another kid, for which he got caught in the act. I told Jaden one night after a bad dream about it.

  This is the reason I won’t let anyone touch me while I’m having sex. It brings back memories of him touching me. Holding me down. It’s also why I’m weird around gay guys. I don’t really think they are doing anything wrong, but it makes me think about what happened to me regardless.

  I’m a messed up person.

  I won’t ever understand the male brain. I really want to, but I’m not even going to try. I want Caden and I mean I WANT Caden. My mind was made up but now I don’t know what I want. Ever since the night he came up to my brother and me, he has ignored me. I’m not vain at all, but I am a woman. And I’m not naïve. I know he wants me. I see it in his eyes and the way he always looks at me. It makes me hot and bothered. But I’m not going to approach him.

  Why you ask? Because Jaden has become something I want. He’s freaking normal for crying out loud. He calls when he says he will, and he is the proper gentleman. He opens my doors and pulls out my chairs. It was annoying at first but I have grown to love it. I didn’t even have this with Justin and I’m honestly in love with it.

  The day after Jaden kissed me, he came to cheerleading practice. Claire thought he was there for her, but afterwards he grabbed my hand and walked me to my car. There he asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with him. I wanted to say no but I know that I had to move on. I refuse to be one of those girls who pines after someone. My pride is too high for that.

  Jaden took me to Medranos, which is a Mexican place right off of campus. I kind of think he wanted us to be seen together. Everyone eats there, it’s cheap and close at hand. I didn’t fret on it though. He didn’t seem to care that everyone was looking at us. He was concentrated on me the entire time and I’m kind of sad to say that I ate it up. Even after sleeping with Caden twice, I don’t know much about him. I know that his art is his life but that’s about it.

  Oh and the fact he likes to tie his women up. Don’t want to leave that out.

  Jaden actually wants to get to know me. He doesn’t pressure me to have sex. In fact he hasn’t done much besides kiss me. I’m not complaining though because the guy can kiss. Every time our lips meet, my freaking toes curl. My nipples get hard and I find myself breathless. The slut in me just wants to take him up a
gainst his freaking car. It’s one big game of foreplay.

  I feel guilty though. So fucking guilty. When Teagan is gone from the room, and I get the urge to get off, I think of Caden. Jaden never even crosses my mind. Who thinks about their boyfriend’s twin brother while masturbating? This slut right here. There has to be something wrong with me. Jaden is damn near prefect and Caden…isn’t.

  Teagan couldn’t be happier. I don’t know if it’s because she is seeing Declan behind her brother’s back or if she’s just happy I’m taking the heat off of her by distracting Jaden. I told her Caden and I met in the cafeteria. The lie came off my lips easy enough but then again my new life is all lies. It’s getting harder and harder. Plus more depressing. While I wouldn’t have dumped food on Caden’s lap like I said I did, it was still funny. I hate lying to her but there’s no way around it.

  I told her on the first day we moved into the dorm that I came from a small town in southern Arkansas and that I wanted a fresh start because my ex-boyfriend ruined my life. Which is far from the truth. I don’t know if I had much of a life to ruin. I gave up everything to protect my secret. And what for? To leave and never look back. I refuse to be the girl that I was. I might have resented Grace in the beginning but now I think I love her. She let me become someone I’m proud of.

  Grace is beautiful, poised, kind and loveable. I am none of those things. I wish I was but I never will be. She’s not real and never will be. I find that thought sad because the world should know Grace. She’s just that great.

  “You look deep in thought.” Teagan says as she comes into the room.

  I nod and smile a little. “I am.” She probably thinks I’m thinking about her brother but really he’s the furthest thing from my mind.

  “Well I know you said you weren’t going to go home for Thanksgiving…” she trails off. “Okay I’m just going to spit this out. Would you like to come to my house for Thanksgiving?” she smiles sheepishly at me.