Brush Strokes

by Janelle Stalder

  “Why? You’re actually making some headway with Olivia, dude. You can’t back off now.”

  I sat on the edge of my bed, my eyes taking in the destruction in my room. I should probably put on some shoes before I cut myself, but I couldn’t bring myself to care at that point. This was who I was, I realized. Just some kid in a messed up family, with a dad who didn’t care about us, and a mother who cared so much that she was working herself to death. And then here I was, a nineteen year old with anger issues and a penchant for trouble. Lousy grades and absolutely zero prospects for the future.

  Olivia was not the girl for me. No, scratch that. She was most definitely the girl for me. She was everything I’d ever dreamed of for the girl that I would give my entire heart to. The problem was I wasn’t the boy for her, and even though I had kept pushing that aside for the past week, I couldn’t anymore. There was no way I could bring her into the mess that was my life. Right now I needed to concentrate on what was important, and that was getting some extra cash so I could help my mom out. Rannon and I had a plan and I needed to keep focused on that.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Rannon said, breaking the silence that had descended on our conversation. “You never give yourself enough credit, Colt. Any girl would be lucky to have you as her boyfriend. And I’m pretty sure Olivia would agree with me.”

  Would she? I wasn’t sure. I could definitely tell there was an attraction between us. I could practically feel it whenever we were near each other. The air would sizzle with whatever it was that passed between us, but I wasn’t so sure she’d agree with me being an ideal boyfriend. She probably just saw me like all the other girls did; a quick and fun ride.

  That realization sobered me up, solidifying my decision. I didn’t want to be some summer fling with Olivia, I wanted to be so much more. It was clear to me that this thing with us just wasn’t meant to be. And now that I was going to start my job at the shop, I could just dedicate all my time to that and forget about her. I just hoped that was possible.

  “Pretty boy, you got that Caravan ready?” Jerry, Rannon’s uncle, called out. I rolled my eyes at the nickname that still hadn’t gone away in the six weeks we’d been working at the shop.

  “Yeah it’s ready,” I said back, grabbing the keys and walking them to the front counter. I handed them over to Jerry and turned to head back into the garage when I recognized someone out of the corner of my eyes. “Hey, Mr. Banks,” I greeted.

  My heart started to pound as I took a quick look around the waiting room for any sign of his daughter. It was an instantaneous reaction for my body to break out into a cold sweat. It had been doing it for weeks now, ever since I decided to go back to ignoring Olivia. The whole thing had been killing me, but I stuck to it. With my luck, she’d be here with him and I’d have to come face to face with her. So far I’d only caught glimpses of her, her head down and shoulders hunched just like she used to be.

  A sickening, guilty feeling filled my stomach, spreading up into my chest. I’d been fighting with this every night as I’d lie in bed and picture how Olivia looked again. She’d gone right back to her introverted self, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for it.

  Luckily I’d been so busy with work I hadn’t been out anywhere where I might run into her or Ella Page. That was all going to end though with school starting next week. I swallowed, focusing on Mr. Banks again as he approached the counter with an easy smile. Obviously he didn’t know what an asshole I’d been to his daughter. Or maybe he did, and he was just happy that I’d realized I wasn’t good enough for her before he had to be the one to tell me.

  “Hi there, Colt,” he said, resting his hands on the counter. “I didn’t know you were working here.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I just started this summer. Something wrong with your car?”

  Mr. Banks rubbed the back of his neck. “I think so, unfortunately,” he answered. “It’s been making a weird sound and I was hoping Jerry here could take a look at it.”

  “Why don’t you go,” Jerry said to me. “I’ll come out when I’m finished here.”

  “Sure.” I walked around the counter and followed my neighbour out to where his car was parked.

  “I guess this explains why I haven’t seen you around the house lately,” he said as we walked. “Usually you’re out there working on your car at all hours of the day.”

  There was nothing accusatory about the way he said it so I didn’t think he knew anything about Olivia and I. A bit of relief swept over me. And yet part of me wished he’d just lay into me for hurting her, because I knew I deserved it. Maybe you didn’t hurt her, a little voice inside my head argued. Maybe she could care less. After all, you’re Colt Morgan. Leaving girls high and dry is what you do. Just like your father. I gave myself a firm mental shake, ignoring the rising anger and panic inside.

  “I wish I could be,” I said finally, “but I need to help out more around the house, so I’ve been working as much as I can.”

  We stopped in front of his hood. Mr. Banks walked around and reached into his window to pull the latch. The hood popped, and I reached out to open it while he came back and joined me.

  “That’s real good of you, son,” he said, catching me off-guard. Not just from the endearment, but from the genuine approval in his voice. “Your mama works way too hard. It’s nice to see you’re trying to help her out. It’s what a real man would do.” He slapped my back, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

  All I could do was look at him in shock. I didn’t do any of this to win some award, or have people look at me differently and see how much I loved my mom. But having Mr. Banks basically tell me I was a real man and doing what I should be doing filled me with a sense of triumphant I didn’t know I needed. Was it just because it was him? Would he look at me differently for his own daughter if he could see that I knew how to own up to my responsibilities?

  I looked down at the grease covering my hands and knew that wouldn’t be the case. Sure, I could earn some money to help out my mom, but I still wasn’t in any position to offer someone like Olivia a decent life.

  “Thanks Mr. Banks,” I said, truly meaning it. “Let’s have a look at the problem.”

  “Wake-up sunshine.”

  I groaned into my pillow, burrowing deeper. Jerry had made me stay until past midnight the night before, and it had taken me hours to fall asleep after that knowing what day it was today. My mind wasn’t ready to wake up. A hand pushed at my back, shaking my body.

  “Come on, Colt,” my mom urged. “It’s time to get up. You don’t want to be late for the first day of your senior year.”

  Actually, I couldn’t have cared less. Groaning again, I rolled over, slowly prying my eyes open. My mom sat on the edge of my bed with a huge grin stretching her face. She’d obviously just gotten home, still wearing her hospital scrubs. In her hands was a tray with a plate of food on it and a tall glass of milk. She knew I loved coffee, but for some reason she thought it was her motherly duty to not feed into my caffeine addiction.

  “You made me breakfast?” I said, not able to contain the smile spreading across my face. It was so rare that she did motherly things like this. Not because she was a bad mom, she’s the best, but because we hardly even saw each other with her hectic schedule and my teenage social life. This was a novelty but made me feel happier than I had in weeks.

  My mom looked slightly embarrassed as I sat up and took the tray from her. “I don’t know how good they are,” she said. I looked down and my grin widened further at the misshapen pancakes and burnt eggs on the plate. “It’s been a while since I’ve cooked breakfast like this,” she said apologetically.

  I looked up at her and leaned over to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Looks awesome, Mom. Thanks.”

  Her smile looked relieved. “Well eat up then. We don’t want you going hungry while you’re trying to learn.”

  I chuckled before taking a bite of the pancake. The inside was still a bit gooey but I didn’t say anything. My
mom walked around my bedroom, picking up clothes I’d just dropped on the floor and putting them in the hamper. She hardly ever came into my room, but every time she did she’d start cleaning as if she couldn’t help doing so.

  Her comment still had me chuckling to myself. I didn’t think going hungry would get in the way of my education. My lack of attention and ambition was more likely the real reason.

  “Are you going to drive Olivia from next door today?” she asked suddenly. The fork froze midway to my mouth. Why would she ask that, of all things? She stopped cleaning and looked over expectantly.

  “Why would I drive her?” I said, the word her coming out in a way that made it sound like I would never have a thing to do with Olivia. My own falsehood made me want to set the food aside now that my appetite had completely gone. I forced myself though to take the bite that hadn’t quite made it to my mouth. It was all about appearances. Stay calm, act calm, and everyone will believe you.

  My mom tilted her head to the side, her eyes narrowed. I didn’t like that look. It always felt like she was trying to see into my soul when she did that. I sometimes wondered if my mom had some sort of x-ray vision that allowed her to see inside my brain and thoughts.

  After a moment of silence, she shrugged. It seemed a bit forced to me, only increasing my unease. “I just thought maybe you would since you two live next door and you go to the same school. But I guess you’re not really friends, so that wouldn’t make sense.”

  I watched her carefully wondering what she was up to. “I’m not driving anyway,” I said, not acknowledging her ‘you’re not really friends’ comment. “Rannon is picking me up.” My car was likely to die on the way to school so there was no way I was taking it this morning.

  “Okay then,” she said with a slight smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “I have to go take a shower before I head to bed, but I just wanted to wish you good luck on your first day back.” She walked over to me and kissed me on the forehead. For some reason I felt like I had disappointed her and I didn’t like the feeling one bit.

  “It’s still the same ol’ school as always, mom,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. She took a step back and this time the smile on her face was more genuine.

  “It’s your first day of your last year of high school, coco,” she said, using the nickname she used to call me when I was really little. I rolled my eyes and started in on the overcooked scrambled eggs. “Aren’t you the least bit excited?”

  I thought about all the people I was going to see, specifically Olivia, and my answer was simple. “Nope.”

  “You’re such a Debbie downer,” she teased. “Have a good day, baby.” She stopped just inside the doorway, looking back at me. “Please stay out of trouble.”

  I smiled the smile I knew she couldn’t resist and had gotten me out of more trouble than I could remember. “Don’t I always?”

  She snorted on her way out. I finished up and quickly got dressed, throwing on some jeans and a plain black t-shirt. Pulling on my shoes, I heard a loud honk outside. Glancing at the clock, I realized how late it had gotten. Figures I’d be running late on the first day. Grabbing my wallet, I ran through the house and out into the garage. Rannon was parked at the end of my driveway in his mom’s beat-up pick-up truck.

  “Hola mi amigo!” Rannon yelled out as I approached.

  Throwing myself into the passenger side, I let my head fall onto the back of the seat and closed my eyes in silent preparation for another year of school.

  “Dude, are you even going to bring a backpack?”

  I looked over at him in confusion. “Since when do I bring a backpack?” My eyes caught sight of one on the floor between us. Both eyebrows shot up in surprised.

  “I’m going to be a proper student this year,” Rannon said to my silent question.

  “A proper student, huh?” I chuckled. “I can’t wait to see that.”

  Rannon pulled out and headed toward Bloomfield high, the physical embodiment of hell…or at least my own personal one. Rannon kept going on about how different he was going to be, but the closer we got to school the less I heard. A loud rushing sound had started to fill my ears, intensifying when we pulled into the school parking lot.

  Students stood everywhere, in small groups, big groups, some walking by themselves. We saw our group of friends standing by the side fence like we always did. Then my eye caught the white Yaris that was achingly familiar. Just seeing it had me breaking out into a sweat. I was about to look away when the passenger side door opened and out stepped Olivia Banks, looking like a million bucks.

  She wore a long, casual looking dress. Her hair flowed down her back in waves, shining in the morning sun. I couldn’t see her face, but from the way her shoulders were shaking, I could tell she was laughing at something Ella was saying from the other side of the car. I hardly noticed her friend, my gaze focused on the girl that wouldn’t stop haunting me.

  Seeing her made me question all my stupid reasons for not talking to her for the rest of the summer. Every part of me wanted to walk across the parking lot and walk beside her, simply bask in her presence. Then Ella said something, and Olivia’s head turned to look in our direction. Our eyes met through Rannon’s open window. My breath got stuck as I let my gaze soak in all her features.

  I was about to smile when I realized that the look in her eyes was anything but friendly. In fact, it was downright cold. None of the warmth I had become so fond of was there anymore. That little connection that had built that day by the lake had been destroyed by my idiotic behaviour. And looking at her now, there was no question that I was a complete and utter moron.

  Her head turned back around as though we hadn’t just looked at one another. She and Ella started walking toward the school. I watched as Reagan and the other girls called out greetings, my gaze going right to Olivia. Her shoulders hunched a bit at the attention. The two of them kept walking as Ella waved back. When they disappeared into the school I let out the breath I was holding in one big rush.

  “I hate to say this, Colt,” Rannon said, reminding me that he was still in the truck with me, “but I’m pretty sure that girl hates you now.”

  I sighed again, rubbing a hand down my face. “I know,” I said, and damn it, now I was going to have to figure out a way to change that.

  Eleven

  If you hear a voice within say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced – Vincent Van Gogh

  Olivia

  Stay calm, Olivia. I repeated this mantra as I walked inside the school, the doors slamming behind me, cutting off any vision of Colt Morgan. My body was vibrating with anger at seeing him. Not just seeing him, but seeing him looking at me! How dare he! After being all smooth and suave, and spewing that crap about me having nothing to worry about, he goes and disappears like Casper the friendly-effing ghost.

  “Breathe, baby girl,” Ella muttered beside me. We walked through the hall, heading toward her locker. I was going to share with her until I got my own assigned. Just being back in these halls was making my skin crawl. It felt like I was minutes away from breaking out into hives. Having Colt just stare at me like nothing had happened – well, nothing did happen, but that’s not the point! – was simply icing on the proverbial cake of this god awful day.

  My steps were a little more forceful than was probably necessary as I practically stomped down the hall.

  “Seriously, she - woman, ease up,” Ella said.

  I tried to soften my movements, but I think I just made myself look even dumber than before. We stopped beside a locker that I assumed was Ella’s, considering she was going away at the lock. It popped open and inside was your typical mirror that all girls have in their lockers that was really crappy and made you all distorted, so essentially defeated the purpose of even having one. That wasn’t what made me want to smile though.

  Being held up by the magnetic mirror was a picture of her and I when we were twelve. We were both standing in front of my house, a sp
rinkler on in the background. We wore one-piece bathing suits and had orange popsicles in our hands. I remembered that day vividly. I also remembered that was the day before Colt’s dad had come home with that car.

  My sour mood came back with a vengeance at the renewed thoughts of him. Stupid Colt Morgan.

  “You look like you want to body slam someone,” Ella said. I looked up to see she was watching me warily.

  “The thought has crossed my mind,” I replied.

  Her eyebrows wiggled suggestively. “I bet that would be some body slam.”

  I pushed her shoulder, sending her crashing into the locker door. It hadn’t been a hard push so I knew Ella had purposely let herself fall. Her face was set in mock outrage that had me biting back a smile.

  “Wrong person, sweetheart,” she teased. “I’m pretty sure the person you’re looking to release all that anger on is a dark, handsome, bad-boy extraordinaire. Who also happens to be walking down the hall right as we speak.”

  I stiffened, turning so my back was better facing the rest of the hall. “I hate you more than I hate green Skittles,” I said in a hushed voice.

  Her hand gripped her chest as those damn puppy eyes came out. “Ouch,” she said. “That hurts. Them’s strong words, Ollie. Strong words.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Can we please move? I really don’t want to have to deal with him walking by me like some sort of stranger.”

  Because that’s exactly how he’d gone back to treating me. And truthfully, it hurt. I had thought we’d established some sort of, I don’t know, connection or something that day at the lake. It had really seemed like he liked me. Then there was nothing. Rannon had texted Ella to say they couldn’t make it anymore, and that was the last we’d heard from them.

  Ella had mentioned seeing Rannon a couple of times over the summer, but she’d ignored him with the expertise and flourish only Ella could perfect when it came to giving someone the cold shoulder. I, on the other hand, hadn’t seen tail nor hide of Colt. It was like he was purposely avoiding me, which stung even more.