A Baby of His Own

by Jennifer Taylor

  ‘It’s quite a simple procedure. I’ll administer a brief electric shock to Sophie’s heart. It’s done by placing two special metal paddles on the chest wall, one below her right clavicle—her collar-bone—and the other just about here…’ he pointed to his own chest ‘…over the cardiac apex. The sudden burst of electricity should restore her heart’s natural rhythm.’

  ‘And you’re sure it will work?’ Mrs Fisher asked desperately. ‘Sophie will be all right, won’t she?’

  ‘I’m very hopeful about the outcome,’ Connor said gently, wishing he could give the poor woman a cast-iron guarantee. It simply wasn’t possible to do that so he smiled at the couple as he stood up. ‘I’ll come back to see you as soon as it’s over, so try not to worry too much.’

  It was the same advice he’d given to hundreds of parents over the years but as he made his way back to the high-dependency unit, he found himself wondering how he would react if Izzy was about to undergo the procedure. It didn’t bear thinking about, and it made him see that his life as he’d known it had changed for ever. Now that he had a child of his own, he would find it far more difficult to keep a rein on his emotions.

  Just for a moment, he found himself wondering if he’d been right to come back to Dalverston to claim his daughter. What if he couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a parent, as Lucy had said? He didn’t want to hurt Izzy—it was the last thing he wanted to do! But how could he be sure that he would be a good father to Izzy when he had no real experience of what a parent was supposed to do? What if all his good intentions weren’t enough, and he ended up making a mess of things?

  Connor took a deep breath. This was neither the time nor the place to worry about that. Right now he had to concentrate on what he did best—and save a child’s life.

  It was well past seven before Lucy managed to get Izzy to sleep. Normally she had no problem settling the little girl down for the night but the change to her daily routine had obviously unsettled her.

  She tiptoed from the bedroom, sighing when she saw all the toys that were strewn around the sitting-room. It had been a mad dash to get ready that morning for work. She had been intending to clear up as soon as she’d got home but she’d not had a chance because Izzy had been so fretful. However, she certainly didn’t want Connor to see the flat in this state or he really would think that she couldn’t cope!

  She had just started to clear up the toys when the doorbell rang and she groaned. It was typical bad luck that he should be early when she’d wanted to be all prepared before he arrived. She went to let him in, trying to ignore the jolt her heart gave when he brushed against her as he stepped into the hall. Allowing herself to think of Connor as anything more than a threat would be a big mistake.

  ‘You’re early,’ she said sharply, leading the way into the sitting-room.

  ‘Am I?’ He checked his watch and shrugged. ‘What’s five minutes between friends?’

  Lucy forbore to say anything but if he’d been trying to goad her by that comment, he’d succeeded. They weren’t friends and never would be now! Her heart suddenly lurched and she quickly battened it down. It wouldn’t help to start remembering what they had been once upon a time.

  ‘It looks like a tornado has hit this place.’ He smiled as he looked around the room. ‘You were always such a neat freak, too, Lucy. You used to get all uptight if I left anything out of place when I stayed overnight.’

  ‘Did I? I’m afraid I don’t remember.’

  She bent down and quickly gathered up a handful of building blocks, refusing to be drawn into a discussion about the past. It didn’t matter what had happened then because it was all over and done with. She and Connor no longer shared their lives. The only link between them now was Izzy and if she had her way, it was a link that would be severed as soon as possible.

  ‘Don’t you? How strange.’ He crouched down beside her and picked up a stuffed rabbit which had one eye missing. He tossed it into the toy box then glanced at her. ‘I remember it all, Lucy, all the fun we had, all the laughter…everything.’

  ‘Then your memory must be better than mine obviously is.’

  She stood up abruptly, unsure why he was going down this route. Did he think that he could soften her up by telling her that he remembered the time they’d spent together? They had gone out together for six months and it had been a happy time, too, probably the best time in her entire life. But if it had really meant anything to him then he would never have left her, would he?

  The thought brought a rush of emotions with it and she turned away, terrified that he would see how vulnerable she felt. She’d tried her best to get over him so she could make a life for herself and Izzy, but there was no point pretending that he didn’t still have the power to affect her.

  ‘I’ll make some coffee,’ she said, heading towards the tiny kitchen.

  ‘That would be great. Thanks.’

  Lucy went into the kitchen and filled the kettle then stood there while the water boiled. She couldn’t face going back until she had herself under control again. Connor might be making an effort to appear friendly but she mustn’t be fooled into thinking that it meant he would give up his quest to play a part in Izzy’s life. Once he made up his mind, he rarely changed it, so all she could do now was to protect her daughter the best way she could. He wasn’t going to break Izzy’s heart as he had broken hers.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  ‘THANKS.’

  Connor took the mug of coffee that Lucy offered him and sat down. Now that the time had come to talk, he wasn’t sure how to begin. He didn’t want to antagonise her, but he needed to make it clear that he was determined to play an active part in Izzy’s life—with or without her consent. Her main objection seemed to stem from the fear that he would grow tired of the responsibility of being a father, so maybe he should try to reassure that he had given the situation a lot of careful thought.

  ‘I know it must have been a shock for you when I turned up today,’ he said, easing himself into the conversation. ‘With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I should have got in touch with you before I left Boston.’

  ‘It would have been less stressful for both of us if you had done,’ she said coolly, sitting down.

  Connor might have believed that she was completely in control of herself if he hadn’t noticed the way her hands trembled as she lifted the cup of coffee to her lips. His heart contracted when he realised that her composure was merely a façade. Inside, Lucy was terrified about what was happening and he hated having to put her through such an ordeal. But he didn’t have a choice. He intended to be there for Izzy, no matter what it cost him or Lucy to achieve his objective.

  ‘It would. And I can only apologise that I didn’t realise it sooner.’ He shrugged. It wouldn’t help his case if he let her see how nervous he felt, too. ‘However, what’s done is done and there’s no point sitting here bewailing the fact. What we have to decide now is which way we’re going to handle this. I suppose it’s a case of sorting out the logistics.’

  ‘Logistics?’ Lucy put her cup on the table and stared at him. ‘I’m not sure what you mean by that.’

  ‘Obviously, we need to work out a rota for when I can see Izzy. And when she gets a bit older then we’ll have to decide how often she can stay with me—’

  ‘Stay with you!’ She leapt to her feet and he saw all the colour drain from her face. ‘You really think that I’m just going to hand her over to you?’

  ‘Of course not. But there is no reason why she can’t stay with me, is there?’ Connor deliberately moderated his tone. They would get nowhere if they kept arguing and he had to do all he could to keep things calm. However, it seemed that Lucy had other ideas as she rounded on him.

  ‘There is no way that I am allowing Izzy to stay with you! Quite apart from the fact that she doesn’t even know you, I don’t trust you to take proper care of her!’

  ‘I’m her father. And I think that gives me certain rights, including the right to look afte
r her,’ he snapped, stung by the comment. ‘Izzy won’t come to any harm when she’s with me and I resent you suggesting that she will.’

  ‘And what happens if there’s some sort of emergency at work while you’re looking after her? What do you propose to do then? Phone up the hospital and say that you’re very sorry but you can’t respond? I don’t think so, do you?’

  She laughed scornfully, the colour rushing back to her face as quickly as it had left it. Connor felt his pulse leap as it struck him how beautiful she looked with her eyes ablaze and her cheeks all rosy like that. She had always possessed a delicate beauty which had never failed to stir him, but this new, feisty Lucy was even more beguiling. It was an effort to drive the thought from his mind but he needed to focus on more important issues now.

  ‘If I was taking care of Izzy then obviously I would have to make provision if I was called out. I wouldn’t just abandon her, if that’s what you’re suggesting.’

  ‘And I’m supposed to be happy with that, am I? You would, quote, make provision for her? Well, I’m sorry, Connor, but that’s just not good enough. Izzy isn’t a parcel that you can hand over to someone else whenever you choose. She needs people who will always be there for her, and not just when it’s convenient. Looking after a child means putting them first and everything else second, and I just don’t think you’re capable of doing that.’

  ‘You have no idea what I’m capable of!’ He stood up as well, incensed by her refusal to believe him. Maybe he hadn’t explained things very well but there was no question of him treating Izzy like a parcel!

  ‘That’s where you’re wrong. I know exactly what you’re like. We were together for six months, don’t forget, and not once during that time did you let anything come before your job.’

  She didn’t back down and it was the fact that she wasn’t prepared to meet him halfway that hurt most of all. Lucy must have a really poor opinion of him if she wouldn’t accept that he truly cared about his own daughter.

  ‘Maybe I didn’t, but that was then and this is now.’ His tone was harsh but it was the only way he knew how to hide this pain he was feeling. The fact that Lucy didn’t consider him fit to take care of their child hurt unbearably.

  ‘Meaning that I would always have come second to your job?’

  The hurt in her voice was almost his undoing. Connor longed to tell her that it wasn’t true, but it would have been a lie. His job had always come first and there was no point wishing that he’d done things differently now. However, Lucy had no idea how hard it had been to stick to the decision he’d made to concentrate exclusively on his career while they had been together.

  ‘If you want to put it that way then, yes, I suppose you could say that. I never made any secret of the fact that I was ambitious, did I, Lucy?’

  ‘No, you certainly didn’t.’ She gave a brittle laugh as she sat down. ‘I have to give you full marks for honesty, Connor. I was never in any doubt that our relationship had an expiry date stamped on it.’

  He wasn’t sure if he liked that assessment of his actions but it seemed pointless to argue about it. He sat down and picked up his cup, giving himself a breathing space while he tried to decide what to do. He needed to convince Lucy that he could be trusted to look after Izzy and it wasn’t going to be an easy task from the look of it.

  ‘Look, Connor, we can argue about this all night but you aren’t going to change my mind. I am prepared to let you see Izzy but that’s all. There is no way that I will allow her to stay with you. For heaven’s sake, I don’t even know where you live!’

  ‘I’ve rented a flat in that new complex near the business park. It wouldn’t have been my first choice because it’s too far from the hospital, but it was the best I could find at short notice.’

  ‘I know where you mean. I looked at one of those flats myself but it was too expensive for me. Mum and Dad offered to help me with the rent but it wouldn’t have been fair to expect them to subsidise me. Dad’s hoping to retire this year and they’ll need every penny.’

  ‘Why did you decide to move out of your old flat?’ he asked, feeling the same ambivalence he’d always felt whenever she’d spoken about her family. He knew how close Lucy was to her parents and her two older sisters, although he had never met them. He had deliberately kept his distance and had refused whenever she’d invited him to any family functions. Getting to know her family would have made it that much harder for her when they’d parted, and he’d wanted to protect her as much as he could. Or that had been what he’d told himself.

  Now he found himself wondering if he’d really been protecting himself. Lucy had always had a hold over him, and he’d realised at the start of their relationship how dangerous it would be to get too deeply involved with her.

  ‘It all came down to money again. The rent was just too much for me once I left work. Added to that, the lift kept breaking down all the time. It would have been a nightmare trying to drag a pram up all those stairs.’

  ‘I never thought about that,’ he said softly, trying not to dwell on the thought of his own vulnerability. He’d made a vow many years ago that he would live his life the way he chose to live it, but now he could see that a lot of the decisions he’d made in the last year had been influenced by Lucy. It was an effort to focus on what she had said and he frowned because it was the second time she’d mentioned that she hadn’t been able to afford the rent. He couldn’t help feeling guilty at the thought of her struggling to pay her way while she’d been expecting their child.

  ‘You don’t think about it until you find yourself six months pregnant and standing at the bottom of four flights of stairs.’ She suddenly laughed. ‘It’s a good job I moved out before I got any bigger. It would have needed a crane to get me up all those stairs by the time I was due to have Izzy. I was absolutely huge!’

  ‘I don’t believe you were that big,’ Connor protested.

  ‘Believe me, I was. There wasn’t much to choose between me and a baby elephant. You should have seen me!’

  ‘I wish I had.’

  Connor felt the blood rush to his head when he realised what he’d said. It was the last thing he should have admitted in the circumstances. He needed to maintain a certain distance between them if this was to work, yet now that he’d come this far, he couldn’t seem to stop.

  ‘I would have loved to watch our baby growing inside you, Lucy,’ he said, his voice grating with the sheer force of his feelings. ‘It would have been the most wonderful experience of my life.’

  Lucy felt her heart catch. There was something in Connor’s voice that made her want to believe that he really meant that. Just for a moment she allowed herself to imagine what might have happened if he’d stayed in England while she’d been having Isabel.

  He would have been with her when she’d had her first scan, and been there, too, when she’d felt the baby start to move. He would have been with her when she’d gone to the antenatal classes and helped her with her breathing exercises.

  Then there would have been the birth—the long, pain-filled hours when she’d laboured to bring their child into the world. It would have been so much easier if he’d been there, encouraging her and soothing her.

  After Izzy was born, everything would have been different, too. He could have shared the night-time feeds with her, taken Izzy out in her pram, done all the things a proud new father was supposed to do. He had missed out on such a lot—she had missed out on such a lot—but it had been his decision to leave. She hadn’t sent him away—he had chosen to go because he hadn’t cared enough about her to stay. She must never let herself forget that, and definitely mustn’t allow herself to be seduced by the thought of what might have been.

  ‘I’m sure the reality would have been a lot less appealing. Anyway, I doubt you came here tonight to hear about my pregnancy, Connor. The only thing we need to decide is how much input you are to have in Izzy’s life.’

  She tossed back her hair, refusing to let him see how difficult it was for
her to behave so coldly towards him. Connor had always aroused her very strongest emotions and it was hard to treat him with indifference but she couldn’t afford to weaken. She had to stay strong for Izzy’s sake.

  ‘Obviously, I want to see her as often as I can.’

  His tone was clipped and Lucy shot him a wary glance but it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. She bit back a sigh. He had always been a master at hiding his feelings, as she knew from experience.

  ‘Then maybe you could come round on Sunday and see her for an hour or so then. I’m working set days at the moment and I have every weekend off so Sunday would be the best day for me.’

  ‘I’m afraid that isn’t good enough, Lucy. I want to spend some real time with Izzy, not just an hour or so every weekend. She’s never going to get to know me properly at that rate.’

  ‘Well, I’m afraid it’s all I’m prepared to offer you. I have no intention of allowing you to disrupt Izzy’s life. She needs stability more than anything else and I certainly don’t want her getting attached to you when, in a couple of months’ time, you’ll probably be sick and tired of playing the doting father.’

  ‘How many more times do I have to tell you that it isn’t going to happen? I am not going to disappear from Izzy’s life. I intend to stick around until she’s grown up, whether you like it or not.’

  ‘I hear what you’re saying, Connor, but I don’t believe you. Nothing has ever come before your precious career and nothing ever will. I will not allow you to hurt Izzy the way you hurt—’

  She broke off when she realised what she’d been about to say. Letting Connor know how vulnerable she was would be a mistake when it could have repercussions for her daughter.

  ‘I didn’t come here to fight with you, Lucy.’ He stood up and his green eyes were hooded when he looked at her. ‘I also didn’t come here to upset you and I apologise if that’s what I’ve done. This situation is difficult enough without us falling out all the time.’